It's July 19th and I'm standing on an empty white beach facing the ocean. Today is uncharacteristically cold for California at this time of year. All this salty wind is going to fuck up my hair, which I got perfect this morning. The sky looks so gray, and so does the water, and why am I here again? Oh right. I have no fucking clue!
What the hell is with this song? I can't get it out of my head, and I don't even know what the hell it means anymore! I used to sing it to Matt when we couldn't sleep. Matt. I left him behind in England. He probably found himself a girl and is having a fucking grand time without me. I'm jealous. Why am I jealous? I'm not gay! Oh, wait, yea, I am. Seriously! If you expose anyone to this gorgeous, smexy, adorable red-head and they will fall head-over-heels for him within minutes!
You fucker! Why can't you stop thinking about him? And why won't this song leave me alone? You moron! Songs don't bother people. They can't. They're not alive. Idiot.
Wow, I'm starting to sound like Matt. God, I miss him! It's so weird to sit around and not have him there with me, or lie in bed and not hear that damn PSP music that I used to hate so much. No, I didn't hate it. I mean, sure it annoyed the hell outta me, but it was like his theme song. If he walked into a room, you'd know he was coming before he got through the door because of that music. I couldn't ever hate anything that was so completely and totally his. I guess it's like they say, "You never know what you have 'till it's gone."
I'm closing my eyes to listen to the waves and now my new favorite fantasy is playing in my head. Matt tilts his head onto my chest and sighs. I run my hands through his hair. He sighs again, this deep contented sigh, when I place my hand underneath his chin and tilt his head up to meet his eyes. His sigh becomes a half moan when I lean closer and capture his lips in a tender kiss.
I open my eyes, and now I'm realizing that my lips are moving, forming long forgotten words and now I'm singing. Singing Matt's lullaby. He's out there, I realize. He's probably having fun and he probably hardly knows that I'm gone. He won't ever know how I feel about him; he won't know how much I miss him, because he doesn't miss me, and he'll never know I sang for him.
The last time I sang this song for him, the last time I sang anything for him, was four years ago. Before the world had stolen all of his innocence and before he lost the last of his inner child and the last of his childhood to the cruelty and horror that our world consists of. Now he is 23 and he has no innocence left and he doesn't need anyone. Not even me, not even his best friend.
I'm still singing. Why? I have to get this song out of my head. And deep inside me, I know, I'm holding on to this tiny scrap of absurd hope that, even though we are hundreds of thousands of miles apart, he can hear me. And that he knows I love him.
I love him.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I never will. Sadly.
Author's Note: This is my first published fanfiction, please be nice. For anyone who would actually want to read more of this, there will be two more chapters in the future, not that I know when. Please review!