Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Author's Note: This will be my first multi-chaptered story. It is complete and utter crack with a little romance and action thrown in just for kicks. Characters may be OOC at some points, because… strippers.
A glimpse into the future:
"You have got to be fucking kidding me."
"Have you gone mad, yeah?"
"You want us to what?"
"Tobi… take… shirt off?"
Present Time
It was raining.
It was always raining.
Pein absently watched the drops hit his office window with a vengeance, splattering against the glass before trickling down into other drops that became rivulets of water running down until those hit the sill and reformed back into fat drops that dripped down, down into the ever thirsty ground below. He had always liked the rain; its faint murmur was like a soothing balm to his soul and helped drown out the thumping beat of Dr. Dre and Kanye emanating from the rooms beyond. Sighing, he glanced up at the ceiling to find something ominous, something that spoke of a pending disaster.
A water stain.
With every storm, the nefarious stain had widened, spreading across the roof of his office like ink across paper, leaving a darkened splot to mar the once flawless flamingo brine shrimp of his paint job. To this day, he did not know how on earth Konan had found that particular color. She was fantastic at embroidery, origami, and assassinating prominent members of rival gangs, but selecting hues to adorn a room with was not her strong point. Kisame had greatly enjoyed the goldfish wallpaper she chose for his room, but his opinion was the exception and not the rule.
Eventually, the leaky roof would need to be fixed. 'Eventually' meaning 'really soon', because Pein really did not need black mold impeding the effectiveness of his criminal organization. Or his ceiling caving in.
Yeah. A ceiling NOT caving in would be nice.
So, Pein fully recognized the need for his roof to be fixed. Unfortunately, there was just one major problem: They had absolutely no money. In fact, Akatsuki was so pressed for funds it was in danger of being disbanded. While Pein knew that the failed investment in Sears was completely his fault, it was really the departure of the snake-freak Orochimaru that had fucked them over. When Orochimaru left to pursue his own agenda, he took all of contacts and all of his "research" with him. The group was generally glad to see the pedophile go, but his illegal, non-regulated experiments had made a pretty penny for the organization. Unscrupulous scientists contacted the self appointed 'researcher' with less than ethical ideas, and Orochimaru would see them through, making a wad of cash in the process.
How could he keep Akatsuki on its feet without funding? It just wasn't feasible.
A knock sounded on his door.
"Enter," he muttered, frowning at the blue-skinned man that had disturbed him. Pein attempted a fierce glare, but his current predicament and growing frustration made it come off as a pained look rather than an intimidating glower. These damn bills would be the ruin of his reputation!
"Sir? Permission to speak?" the man before him said at last.
"Permission granted. What do you need, Kisame?"
"I wanted to make sure that the aquaria owner had fully paid us back for smuggling those freshwater stingrays in for him."
"Kisame, you and I both know you just want an excuse to visit the pet store. But yes, he did pay us back. He's dead now."
"You killed him!?" Kisame exclaimed, looking upset.
"No, heart attack. The family is having a private flushing…I mean funeral. Fuck." I'm way too tired for this.
Kisame stood in the doorway, suddenly looking awkward. His men were hardened, elite criminals, but they decidedly lacked social skills.
"You can go now."
Kisame grinned (which would have been endearing if his smile didn't give you the impression he wanted to eat your feet) and nodded before turning away and disappearing round the bend in the hallway, feet making audible noise on the threadbare maroon carpet. It needed to be replaced. Badly.
Pein returned to his checkbook and pile of bills, muttering a curse when he realized he hadn't removed his reading glasses before seeing Kisame. They made him feel so…old.
He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance as another knock sounded on his door, then quickly took off the glasses and stowed them in his lap before answering.
"Yes?" the orange haired man snapped, wanting this mess to be over and done with.
Kakuzu entered this time, standing in front off Pein's oak paneled desk and crossing his arms. Those arms rippled with muscle and were covered in tattoos of stitches, whose purpose was to cover light, extensive scars that criss-crossed the green eyed man's body; they also amped up the man's terrifying factor, so Pein had no problem with Kakuzu flaunting them a bit. His treasurer was excellent for intimidating tight-lipped hostages.
"What is it, Kakuzu?"
"We need a cash infusion into the budget. Deidara just blew up the TV."
"That's the third time this month."
"…"
"We have no money."
"…"
"Look for yourself." Pein tossed his ledger and checkbook at Kakuzu, who deftly caught the items and proceeded to flip through them. The masked man pulled a calculator from… somewhere… and typed a few numbers in. There was a pause. A few more numbers typed in. Another pause.
"You're fucked." Kakuzu uttered at last.
"Any recommendations?"
"Raise money."
"No shit." Pein rubbed his eyes in exasperation. "I don't want to tell the other members, but we're in serious danger of having to disband. And that," here he pointed up at the lurking water stain "needs to be fixed ASAP. Ever since Orochimaru left us, we just haven't made ends meet. We need to come up with something that will make money regularly, and involves all members of the team."
"…"
"Fetch Konan. And not a word to the other members about this fiasco. We were on our way to finally taking over the entire criminal underground and I will not give this up."
Kakuzu left without a word, and as he opened the door the lyrics of Britney Spears's "Circus" echoed down the hallway. Tobi must've seized control of Pandora again.
Approximately 6 minutes and 34 seconds later:
Konan entered the room in her usual style, shining cobalt hair up in a flawless bun that was secured with a paper flower and a few bobby pins. Her amber eyes were expressive yet serious, and the delicate labret piercing adorning her lower lip sparkled in the fluorescent lighting. She smiled at him softly, before seating herself in one of the ratty chairs that sagged in front of his desk and crossing her long legs delicately.
"You asked for me, Pein?"
"I did. As you probably know, we are in trouble."
"My last raid with the boys went well. Hanzo was dispatched with little trouble."
"No, it's not that. Financial trouble. I need to close down headquarters for a while and revamp it, but we need money. I don't want them going off on their own…I highly doubt we'd see some of the men again if we did that… but I need to think of something that will keep them as a team while making money. I just don't know what."
Konan was silent for a few minutes, sculpted brows furrowed in concentration. "Since we need to keep them together, we need to think of something they all have in common. Considering we already use eco-friendly bulbs and Kakuzu installed timers for the shower long ago, cutting back on utilities isn't going to cut it, obviously. That," she said, pointing at the ceiling "really needs to be fixed."
"Don't I fucking know it," Pein muttered, than raised his voice again so his partner could hear. "What do all of our members have in common? Besides you and I, if we come up a solution we'll have to be here to supervise repairs."
"They are all male," the blue haired women remarked "so we need an assignment that is decidedly masculine. That will help with the transition anyway, to an actual job."
The two criminal masterminds sat in silent contemplation for a good five minutes.
"Pein, do I have permission to speak freely?"
"Certainly, Konan. You know you don't need to ask my permission. Ever." Pein told her, his tone soft and his ringed eyes almost…caring.
The only female member of the Akatsuki took a deep breath. "They are all attractive."
"What?" Pein was sure he'd misheard her.
"They are all good-looking. Seriously. We do have a gym here, even if the treadmill needs to be replaced, and they all use it regularly."
"Okay." The pierced man tilted his head. "But, what is your point?"
"Male entertainment."
"What?"
"I know you're not deaf, Pein. I said 'Male Entertainment.' It's very popular. And you know that woman owes us a favor. She can "loan" her business to us. House the boys. Advertise a ladies' night." Konan stated firmly. "It's really our only option at this point."
Pein stared at her for a few seconds, then sighed. "They won't like it."
"We have no choice. I'll call her. Go gather the men and tell them."
Pein excited his office silently, missing Konan's pleased smile at the turnout.
She reached out with slender fingers and picked up the phone. She punched in ten numbers.
"Yamanaka De-Flowering Shop. This is Ino. How can I help you?"
" It's Konan. We need a favor."
Meanwhile:
"House meeting!" Pein called out as he exited the office, carefully closing the door behind him. "Everyone in the common room, now!"
"Um, sir, we're all here, yeah." Deidara said, seemingly embarrassed. The blond gave his leader a quizzical look. "Why are you wearing glasses?"
Pein responded by snatching the devices off his face and stuffing his spectacles into his pants pocket. His face reddened almost imperceptibly. "Why did you blow up the TV?" he shot back.
"No need to get personal, yeah. It's what I do." The gang's respective demolition's expert crossed his arms and glared.
"Blondie's throwing a fucking tantrum! Hah!"
"Shut up Hidan, yeah!"
"You shut up, girlie. Like seriously, though, let's fucking get on with this shit. I've got a sermon to catch."
Kisame flopped down on the couch (which groaned in protest) and smirked at Hidan. "You're not watching sermons, Hidan. Everyone here knows you're streaming 'Breaking Bad.'"
"Am not, you fucking liar!"
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
"SILENCE!" Pein shouted at last. The command was followed instantly. Even Itachi, the stoic Uchiha, had to admit Leader could be pretty scary when he wanted to be.
Hidan, as usual, was the one to break the quiet. "So, what's up?"
Pein sighed. "As you all know, we have been having some budget problems ever since Orochimaru left us. And this has been affecting us all." Here he paused, deciding a spirit raising speech would be the way to garner support for his…er, Konan's… idea. "Kisame. You haven't been able restock your marine aquarium in months," the blue-skinned man nodded in assent and Pein continued. "Sasori. We haven't been able to supply you with wood for your puppets." Again, a nod of agreement was given, and a few murmurs drifted from couple pairs of lips.
"We, as an organization, need to fix the budget problem. But, all things considered, we are a team. And teams work together. So, this budget problem needs to be fixed together. Am I right?"
Murmurs of assent permeated the room, and Pein seized the moment to look at Konan, who had poked her head out from the door. She gave him a subtle thumbs-up. Plan "Turn a Criminal Organization into a bunch of Male Entertainers" was a go.
"So, I'm taking you all to a strip club where you will all learn to become male entertainers. Your earnings will go to the organization." It was now or never. The big ending. "Are you with me!?"
*crickets*
"You have got to be fucking kidding me."
"Have you gone mad, yeah?"
"You want us to what?"
"Tobi… take… shirt off?"
"SILENCE!" Pein almost smiled at the effect he still had on his little group, all members of which shut up instantly. "No, I am not kidding. I have not gone mad. I want you all to become strippers. And NO, there is no need to remove clothing at this very second." He directed the last sentence at Tobi, who had already begun to remove his shirt.
"I do not wish to do this nonsense. There must be another way." Itachi said at last. "I have no desire to remove my clothing."
Pein breathed deeply through his nose. Remember your breathing exercises. But before he could speak, Konan interrupted him.
"Frankly, we do not care about your personal feelings. This organization, keep in mind, is keeping you all in relative comfort. Our home is falling apart around us! We are on the brink of disbanding…no Tobi, don't cry… and unless you all make a collective group effort, it's over. You all really think that you all will be able to suddenly enter the general population? The only person here that hasn't committed homicide is Tobi!"
"Actually, he fucking tripped and shot that one dude…" Hidan interrupted.
"Whatever," the female cut him off. "Anyway, everyone here is guilty of drug-trafficking, among other things. You all will be staying Yamanka's De-Flowering Shop with the other dancers, you will learn their style, and you will make money. Kakuzu," Konan shot, directing her words at the stitched man "Wouldn't it be great to be on stage, surrounded by beautiful women who are literally throwing money at you!?" She continued, noting how the miser's green eyes started glittering. "Hidan. Free booze, women, and money. Yes, you have to dance, but being turned out on the streets at the mercy of Orochimaru and his gang would be much worse. Your cooperation will keep Sound from causing anymore trouble than it already has for us."
She at last fell silent, and murmurs of assent began to surface.
"You know, being surrounded by pretty ladies wouldn't be so bad, yeah. Not to mention hot strippers teaching us." Deidara muttered to Sasori, whose eyebrows were raised.
"It would be a good place to study the human body…I could incorporate my findings into my puppets," mused the red-headed artist.
"Chicks…" drooled Hidan.
"Money," murmured Kakuzu to his partner.
"Itachi! You can finally get laid!" Kisame exclaimed happily, pounding his friend on the back enthusiastically.
"Shut up or I'll kill you." The raven snapped, then proceeded to sit quietly, evidently displeased, but not actively rebutting the idea.
"So," Konan spoke forcefully enough that she could be heard over the group. "Do we have an agreement?"
One by one, heads began to nod, until even the Uchiha gave a slight inclination of his head, indicating his consent.
Pein gave a very rare smile. It was creepy as hell. "Excellent. Everyone, to the van. Konan and I will drop you off at the club. Send your earnings to us, and I can promise a fully remodeled base by the time you guys get back. I'm appointing Kakuzu as the one in charge of your profits."
"Indeed," Konan responded "it will give me great pleasure to select new wallpaper for everyone!"
All but Kisame looked horrified at this prospect.
Pein put his hand on the blue haired woman's petite shoulder. "Perhaps you can furnish the kitchen, instead."
Relief flitted across the faces in the room as Konan smiled and clasped her partner's hand. "I would be happy too."
"Sir?"
"Yes, Kisame?"
"You forgot the van's engine isn't working… The head gaskets need to be replaced."
"Fine. We'll take the bus."
Author's note: There will be pairings between the Konoha gals and the Akatsuki members in this fic, so any preferences will be taken into consideration. Let me know your favorite pairings! Next chapter will have a little Sasuke and Naruto stripping action and fun as the Akatsuki learn how to striptease.