despite every last letter, a fairy tail fanfic

Despite Every Last Letter

you said i burned you

but darling,

you were too preoccupied

by the curvature of my lips

to see the salt taken by the grain

or to realize that it wasn't i who was burning

but the house in which we called home

— alexis ma —

March 21, X792

You looked different today.

It was the sage-old tradition, wasn't it? One morning you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You comb your hair, pack your bags, and head to class. And next thing you know, bam, it's like you're seeing the stars for the first time. That's what Mama used to tell me; that's what falling in love feels like.

And I'd be lying if I said that wasn't what happened. Because today, on a fine Tuesday morning, I saw you, and you were radiant like the sun.

Without saying a word, I sat next to you, tossing a loose blonde lock over my shoulder and unloaded my notebook and pen. The lecture today was supposedly about the cosmos—a topic I adored; a topic you found boring—but I wouldn't be able to confirm that statement; it was damn near impossible to concentrate, let alone keep my eyes from straining to catch a glimpse of your cheeky grin, your wild, salmon hair, and your onyx eyes. Mavis, you were drawing me in like gravity, falling out of orbit—I wanted you right then and there. I wanted you after class, to lean into your shoulder and inhale your smokey campfire smell, to kiss your spicy, cinnamon lips. I wanted—no, I needed all of you.

I guess that's what Mama meant, seeing the stars for the first time. But she died before she could tell me the rest—I don't know what to expect now. All I can tell you is that I love you Natsu, so please, let me love you.

April 28, X792

Spring Break is over.

And with the end of vacation comes school; I can see you again, Natsu.

Mavis, it's been so long since I've seen you. I miss your signature smile, your calloused hands tugging at mine as we race through the school corridors, and your fiery personality when the world seems cold and dark. I don't think the break could end fast enough because I've been without you, my best friend.

During the break, you'd traveled with Gray across Fiore, picking fights with random bozos at bars, searching for extreme adventures that'd leave you with stories surpassing the expectations of the student body. Only on the last day, the last night, before school started, did you return to Magnolia and stop at my house on Strawberry Street. I was writing my novel, as per usual, when you rudely interrupted me with a loud knock on my window. Of course I let you in. Of course I pretended to be pissed that you halted my train of thought (I'd been having writer's block for weeks). Of course I chastised you for raiding my refrigerator. But I can't say that I regretted any of it because I really did miss you, Natsu, I really did.

So that night, I let you stay. You were falling asleep on my plush comforter anyways, eyelids drooping as the sun fell behind the trees, dimming the room. When it was clear that you were out cold, your snores becoming obnoxious and noisy, I deftly tugged my shirt over my head and shrugged my bra off to change into my pajamas. I was blushing, let me just say, but not because of being exposed. I wanted you to see me like this. I wanted you to want me.

This was evidently not the case, as you rolled over onto your stomach and peeped through half-lidded eyes while I was half-dressed. My face had flushed beet-red; you didn't even react, just simply murmured:

"Lucy, why are ya naked?"

I didn't answer. Throwing on a scanty top, I crawled into bed beside you. Mavis, you were so hot, and I mainly mean temperature-wise, but also attractive-wise. Through the flap of your vest, I could physically feel heat waves emanating from your skin, drawing me even closer to you. But I refrained, knowing that your breath would feel hot on my face, knowing that I'd want to kiss your cheek, your lips, your neck, you in general. Your hair flopped over your forehead, rouge staining your cheeks, eyes glinting in exhaustion but also tenderness—you looked so beautiful then. So so beautiful.

"Good night, Luce."

And you drifted off into sleep. But Natsu, I was up for hours, watching the rise and fall of your chest, the way you occasionally raked your hand through your hair; you were restless in your slumber, and it was daunting to think that after all this time, you still suffered from nightmares; the dreams that kept you up all night; the thoughts that your brain conjured up, leaving you boneless and spent in the morning. I remember once, many years ago when we were young, that I comforted you, pulling your head into my lap as I coaxed you to relax. Those were the days wherein we were bound by friendship, and nothing else. To you, that was all we were: best friends. And while I loved you like that, defending you until my very last breath, I loved you like a song, wanting to hear it play over and over and over again.

June 21, X792

School has drawn to a close. The first thing you do after we're dismissed, at exactly 3:02 in the afternoon, is pull me aside in the hall, asking if I wanted to go out and celebrate. I swear to Mavis, Natsu, my heart was going a mile a minute. Because in the mix of kids now flooding the corridor, you were asking me to go out with you… on a date.

Or so I thought.

"Well, I mean… Erza and Jellal invited us to go for drinks… and Gajeel mentioned his club being open tonight…"

And just like that, my heart stalled, breaking in the slightest. But I mean, did I agree to go with you, yes, and it's because some time with you was better than none. We only had one year left at Fairy Tail High, one more year. I wasn't about to let that limited amount of time go to waste.

So after five shots of tequila and two glasses of wine, you hauled my drunken ass to the subway. By then, it was past midnight, the station platforms empty apart from the few beggars, apart from the one man vomiting in the corner. I was too wasted to really, honestly care about any of that, all I could focus on was the way you held me, keeping me upright on my two feet. In the absence of the train, I could hear your breath, hear your pulse beneath your cotton shirt. Mavis, the way you embraced me, my face pushed flush to your chest, your hands stroking my straw-like, greasy hair, I didn't want you to stop. It felt good to be held, to be protected—you would never let me go home alone in my state, but above all, you wouldn't let me fall, or pass out, or walk into a wall. Heaven forbid I stub my toe. These were the little things that made me lean into you more, inhaling the scent of smoke and cinnamon, imagining, wishing, that I'd be smothered in it. With so much alcohol coursing through my veins, my need to kiss you was irresistible, the urge to feel your body pressed against mine unprecedented.

But you didn't notice.

All you did was hold me tightly, caressing my cheek in comfort. My stomach lurched in protest to the alcohol, but I held my ground, swallowing the bile. You seemed to notice my discomfort and put a reassuring hand on my neck, cupping my face and tilting it upward. The moment I was held captive by your eyes, I felt stone-cold sober.

And Mavis, the hungover without you to hold my hair, to give me aspirin, to simply be with me, was far worse. Being drunk meant being able to believe that you were mine, even if that wasn't the case.

August 11, X792

I want to tell you.

I want to tell you how I feel.

But I can't—won't, not with school starting. Not now, and probably, not ever.

Because I can't lose you too, not after Mama, not after Papa.

I don't want you to hate me.

And…

I don't want to hurt you.

Because falling in love with you was essentially betraying what we had.

And I can't do that to you.

September 19, X792

It's been a month since school started. Senior year: our last year.

Mavis, I miss you, Natsu.

I miss you, I miss Mama; her birthday is coming up soon—it's the first year I've been without Papa to get through the day. She died so long ago, the cancer came and infested her lungs, killing her from the inside out. But Papa, he died just last year, remember? In a car accident. He'd been drinking on her birthday to forget the pain, to null his memories of her. I don't really understand why he'd try to forget though; it hurts to remember, but it's better to endure the pain than to not think of her at all. Because if he doesn't think about her, who does? She deserved better than that, she deserved better than him, she deserved more time than she was given.

Maybe that's just me. But I just miss her so much.

And Natsu, I miss you too.

I miss having lunch together, walking through the halls on our way to class. I miss laughing at your juvenile jokes. I miss the way your lip curls when you smile. I miss your endless bouts of joy, the way you spring with every step. I miss revolving around your light, around my sun. Like a beacon, you kept me grounded, and now, it's getting darker without you. I don't know where you went, I don't know what happened between us that made the distance grow.

Was it something I said?

Was I getting too boring?

Was I not enough for you?

Did you find a new best friend?

Mavis, I wish you'd tell me. But whenever I glance at you from across the room in Astrology, you are avoiding my eyes, gazing out the window instead.

I miss having you stare back.

So now, my room in which every wall was once covered in photographs of us dating back from the age of seven, is defaced in stark white paint. Blank. An empty canvas. The novel I'd been working on is stuffed, crammed into the bottom of my desk drawer, buried beneath all of the letters I'd written to Mama. The friendship bracelet you'd given me for my fourteenth birthday, each golden charm the key of a zodiac, is shoved into my jewelry box, far from my reach. I don't want to be reminded of the things we used to have. In some ways, I don't want to remember that once, many weeks ago, we had been best friends, we had been talking, we had been happy.

I guess I'm more like Papa than I thought. Only, I don't need alcohol to forget what has hurt me.

October 5, X792

I wish I had never fallen in love with you.

November 25, X792

Natsu.

I'm thankful for that day all those years ago in which you hugged me close, letting me mourn for Mama.

I'm thankful for that day all those years ago in which I kissed your head in comfort, your hands shaking as you watched them lower your father's coffin into the ground. He was too young to die, too young to leave you behind. You were only seven back then.

I'm thankful for that day all those years ago in which you slept beside me for the first time, hushing my cries and whimpers with a steady heartbeat, telling me the nightmares would be put to sleep when I became brave. You made me brave, Natsu, you made me so brave. I remember falling asleep that night dreaming about a princess slaying a dragon.

I'm thankful for that day all those years ago in which you broke through my bedroom window, eyes swollen and lips bloodied. A gang had caught you red-handed in the streets, yanked your salmon-colored hair, and left you for dead; the second the world came back into focus, you limped to the only place you knew was safe. And you, Natsu, cried, for the first time, and in your dreams. The nightmares hadn't gotten to only me, but also to you. I held your trembling form in my arms, whispering for you to be brave, hoping my voice would leak into your dreams, wield a sword, allowing you to fight your inner demons.

I'm thankful for that day in which you defended me against my bullies who called me ugly.

I'm thankful for the day after, in which you leaned over in class, passing me a note saying that you liked the way I looked. That I was beautiful.

I'm thankful for that day in which you let me hold you, running my fingers along your arms, letting me touch your scars that adorned your body. Your foster parents were not the nicest folks.

I'm thankful for that day in which you told me it was okay to cry; crying did not mean that I was weak.

I'm thankful for that day in which you confessed to me that I was your best friend.

I'm thankful for all of those days, the good and the bad, because every day spent with you made me love you.

I'm thankful for you, Natsu. I truly am.

I'd be thankful if we could do it all over again.

December 10, X792

I don't know why I did it.

Natsu, I really don't know why.

It all happened so fast. One minute, I was on the bus coming home from school. The next, I was running, my legs carrying me to my apartment. The rain was coming down hard, I suppose, but honestly, even after barricading myself inside, the fact that I was drenched didn't occur to me—I hadn't even bothered to remove my hulking, soaked boots before trudging through the house.

Mavis, I was crying. No, that's an understatement. I was sobbing. And I really don't know why. Nothing was making sense. My mind was spinning, the room dizzying. If I had collapsed to the ground, I wouldn't have known it. But there I was, in the bathroom, palms cupped and splashing even more water on my face. This usually worked whenever I was panicked, whenever I thought about Mama, or the night of the car accident. But it didn't work today. Despite the water scorching my skin, the trails of water slipping down my neck and leaving visible burns, my breath was shaky, my eyes bloodshot.

I think I tried to call you. Even after months of dead silence between us, you were still filed under my emergency contacts. I think I let it ring ten times before giving in (usually you answered after two); you hadn't picked up. So I hung up, clutching the phone in my shaking hand.

But now that I think about it, why would you answer?

I mean, it wouldn't make sense to talk to me when you had her by your side. When you had Lisanna.

Mavis, writing her name hurts. Everything physically hurts when I think about her.

Maybe that's why I did it.

Maybe that's why I reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out the sterile razor blade, drawing the metal across my wrist, letting the welt bloom red, blood pouring out of me like a waterfall. The floodgates had been opened, and seeing me, the blood, pool into my hand, reminded me of how I'm in control, that I am still here, still fighting, even if you aren't at my side anymore. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day; I could do this, get back to where I was. But then I remembered: Rome was practically conquered in less than twelve hours. So where does that leave me?

With a cut that burns like hell, a reminder that it was me who severed the vein, not you. And that, even though I could tie off the blood flow with a bandage at any time, I would be the only one who could slice myself open again. Essentially, while I had the control to stop whatever this was, I also had the power to keep doing it. Fighting my demons, running from my demons—whatever it was, I was alone now to deal with it. And you, Natsu, with a girlfriend at your waistband, were one of the demons that had fallen prey to my fear.

I was dangerous, a flight risk, a predator.

December 11, X792

Natsu, I want to call you.

I want to call you and say I miss you.

My fingertip is over the call button.

But then I think about Lisanna and how much you love holding her, your arm naturally falling around her waist.

And I turn off my phone. I don't call you.

I won't call you ever again.

Even if I need you like I do now…

When I can't even pick myself up off the floor, my arm slung over the rim of the bathtub, a bottle of vodka in my hand, my mind hazy from the sleeping pills.

No, Natsu, I don't have a death wish.

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

December 13, X792

To think that after all this time, I still love you.

But I also hate you.

Well, I don't hate you, but I hate that you don't love me.

I hate that we aren't friends anymore.

And by this point, I just need you to save me.

I need you to return what you stole.

I need you to return my heart even though it's yours.

Because I can't feel anything without it.

Because when you took it from me, I was expecting to get yours in return.

So please, Natsu, just come back to me and make me feel.

Make me remember what it was like to love, to laugh, to live.

December 15, X792

Natsu, don't bother being my knight in shining armor anymore.

I see you in the halls, your eyes occasionally finding mine. You've cast me out, I can tell by the way you hide your smile from me. But then again, I sometimes catch a glimpse of the you from before. I know you want to walk over, to hold me like you used to.

I see it, but I don't believe it. So don't bother scaling my newly-constructed walls. Don't bother breaking and entering. I've built a fortress and now, you'd need a damn army to get inside. Don't bother tackling this castle—you're going to lose.

Because even if you find a hole in my security, if you get inside, I'll shoot you with arrows, burn you with fire, and make you bleed. I don't want to, believe me for once, but Natsu, I will hurt you the way you hurt me.

December 20, X792

I guess this is it: my last journal entry.

I wish it hadn't come to this, but it has. I have come to this.

Natsu, you lit a match all those months ago, way back when, but you've let the light go out, in me, in you, in us.

Mavis, I may as well douse myself in gasoline, then light the match myself, remembering all the days in which I loved you completely. I mean, I still do, but most of the time, I can't remember what it feels like to love someone, to love myself. And when I do remember, it hurts, it burns, like the permanent scars that once bled, like the tears I once shed. I don't remember the last time I've cried for you, but I'm crying now. And only because it has come to this.

It has come to goodbye.

And here I lay down my life for yours, wishing you well, praying that you keep your life well lit. I know you will. I mean, you were already the sun, this ball of hot air a million miles from me. Like Mama, you were my everything, just don't burn out like she did.

After all, you shook my world from the inside out, took what was mine, was ours, and made it yours with hers. So please, just spend my love given to you sparingly, save it for when the days are darker, when the nights get long.

December 21, X792

I miss you. I fucking miss you.

How did it come to this? I mean, I loved you, I loved you so much.

And I just let you, I mean, I let you slip through my fucking fingers.

One minute we were sleeping side by side, chest to chest, face to face—Mavis, you looked so beautiful then, you know? I'd watched you grow, fuck, I'd helped you grow into this archetype for beauty; I'd helped you beam, lighting up my world. I never expected to be blinded by your light, but honest to Mavis, it was the best feeling, being blinded. It left everything unexpected, risqué, and exciting, a thrill I've been missing since we buried Pops. You gave me that, all of it.

But then you started to back away, as if you were afraid of this ride. That night on the subway, we'd gotten on board a train and in your half-drunken stupor, you begged me to let you go. Of course, I didn't at first, because your eyes were uncharacteristically large, the way they got when you were nervous or on the brink of a mental breakdown—whenever that happened, you needed me to catch you. But then, I had to let you go, as you tore away from me, running off the train before the doors closed, separating us. And when I followed your panicked gaze from inside the train, frantic to get back to you, I could see that you had suddenly become sober. And that you were scared. Scared of what, I'm not sure. But the way you looked at me was so new and slightly unnerving. I could've sworn you loved me then, and that you didn't want me to see this side of you. Of course I wanted to, but at the same time, you couldn't, you just could not fall in love with someone like me.

Because underneath these scales, I harbor secrets that could hurt you.

And that's the last thing I want.

If you knew what I thought most of the time, you'd be even more terrified than you were then.

If you knew that I spent most nights jerking in my sleep, surrendering myself to nightmares that revolve around Pops or you, watching as you die in my arms.

If you knew what I was truly capable of, for instance, like that night I got beaten up in an alley, you'd never trust me again. I had to fight off ten fucking bastards, the lot of them closing in around me, grabbing me from all sides. Of course they got a few punches in, but for the most part, they were grazed with a brush of death, and all because I owed them money for gambling. You see, I needed the money to pay off what Pops owed, and gambling was fast, quick, easy money. But easy didn't mean safe, and this is what I dealt with.

If you knew that I loved you, you'd want to stay with me, and I couldn't let that happen, not with these sick jokers around.

And to top it off, if you knew that I loved you, you'd be able to read me like a book and see that I'm not as strong as I seem. I mean, you've been able to read some of my pages, but you're just scraping the surface, reading just the prologue. I've kept you safe from my demons, and I'm not about to let you in, not when I love you more than I love myself.

I guess that's why I started dating her. Because I wanted you to stay away. You were like a moth, and I didn't want you to get burned.

But Lucy, my Luce, I need you to know that I do love you. And that I'm sorry for leaving you. That I miss you. That I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head. Pops and you were all I had, and when you started getting close, I couldn't afford to lose you too. But without you, I had nothing.

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry Luce. Mavis, I just love you so much, and fuck I'm crying now because I wish it didn't have to come to this.

But I can't stay here. Without you, I am nothing.

And I know that if you were here, right now, at my side, you'd say I'm everything. Because that's what you used to say when I couldn't breathe, when I couldn't see my own hands shaking in front of my eyes. Igneel used to say that too, now that I think about it. But without either of you, I can't see and everything has been reduced to nothing.

But Lucy, really, I love you. I love you now and I'll love you when I close my eyes. You taught me how to breathe in a world that's suffocating. You gave me your heart and I'm sorry I couldn't give mine in return, but there was nothing in it for me to give. I'm sorry. Please stay golden.

March 21, X817

I visited you today.

It still surprises me to say the least, to see you sleeping beneath my feet, holding the flowers I give you. You're cold despite the arrival of Spring, flowers blossoming in every corner of the cemetery.

If there's anything I've learned in the past twenty-five years, it's that with the end of summers, comes the end of winters. But as a consequence, Spring will never bloom again.

Mavis, I still miss you after all this time.

You know, I still have your note, you know, the one you wrote me on the Winter Solstice. I know I shouldn't hold onto such trivial things, knowing that I need to bury it alongside everything else, but I just can't.

Why did you never tell me?

But I guess, seeing you, sleeping peacefully beside him, beside Igneel, I understand why, and I understand that this is what you wanted.

And for that reason, I have forgiven you, praying to Mavis that you are sleeping better now that you're in the safest place in the cosmos, far, far away from anyone's reach.