Flirting with Danger

(Overlapping sequel to Season Two: "The Professor"; written in order to recover from the shock of Roy's cavalier attitude towards his marriage. Some quotes verbatim from the episode. )Thanks to Kelmin for the technical fix.

It was immensely flattering for paramedic Roy DeSoto to have a very beautiful young woman calling him up several times a day at the fire station where he worked. She'd even tracked him down at the hospital at least once, and she really was pushing him to see her on his time off. She knew he was married and had children, but it didn't seem to daunt her at all. That gave his ego a big boost. Let his partner Johnny scoff as much as he wanted, he wasn't dead or over the hill as far as girls were concerned. In fact, since the other day, he couldn't remember when he felt so alive.

Roy didn't know how to say 'I'm not interested' to this girl when really, he was. He'd been with his wife Joanne since high school and there weren't a lot of opportunities for him to meet women socially except through his work, so meeting Susan St John at that accident was one of those events that had the potential to change his life. He knew the right thing to do, but the way Johnny was needling him got his blood stirred to the point where even if he had been inclined to tell Susan otherwise, he was not going to tell her "thanks, but no thanks."

In fact, Roy was so irritated by John's attitude that for the first time he could remember, he told a lie to his partner. All the men were in the kitchen when he took the call, and he knew well enough that they would be talking about it behind his back, so he told them part of the truth – that Susan was feeling guilty, and that she felt she didn't want to hurt his family…but he left off the part about her saying, "I've tried and tried, but I can't get you out of my mind. I really want to see you again. There's something between us, don't you feel it?"

Roy responded, "Seriously, I appreciate it, and I understand too."

"Can I see you tomorrow at that coffee shop we met at after the accident? Same time?"

"All right, yeah. You take care, b'bye." Could the others hear the involuntary softness in his voice as he said that to her? He forced his face into a smile and said "Well, my wife's gonna appreciate that. She's just apologetically brushed me off." There, the lie was out. Would anyone catch him in it?

Johnny made some ridiculous comment about it only being gratitude that needed time to sink in, and despite himself, Roy reacted: "What sunk in is a very deep remorse after giving some thought to the fact that she could create a problem for my family." He could say that, because they had talked about it – both of them – their guilt and remorse that they might end up hurting others if things, well, progressed to a new level…then he added, wistfully, part of him wishing that it was true, "I guess she cared, so much, that she didn't want to cause any unhappiness." In reality, they couldn't stop seeking each other out, even if there was a very real danger of deep unhappiness if they continued as they were going.

No one knew that he had met her on his first day off after the accident for a 'thank you' coffee at a little out of the way place she knew. There had been such a strong attraction from the very beginning, and she had set up the coffee date on one of her first phone calls to the station. He had rationalized that it was just a nice thing to do, that it didn't really mean anything….discounting the excitement he felt in seeing her again.

He didn't remember what they had talked about – everything and nothing – but he remembered how he had felt – so intensely aware, so connected. As they were leaving the shop, she had given him a hug and a kiss, and it was like…what he imagined a hit of heroin must be like for an addict. All his senses took off with a whoosh and he couldn't think straight anymore, but oh, man, it felt so very, very good.

Since then, she was all he could think about, and it was like his family didn't exist – the only thing that mattered was getting more of that incredible feeling. It was obvious she felt that way too. They had become like two junkies, seeking for that next fix. It didn't need much either, at least not yet; just hearing her voice when she called for him at the hospital had given him a rush that carried him for most of that day.

When he was home, he was distracted, but then so was his wife Joanne, with a toddler getting into things and toilet training not going as smoothly as she had hoped. Chris wasn't sleeping in his own bed most nights, and it seemed there were messes continuously being cleaned up. It was hardly a romantic atmosphere. If he got a peck on the cheek he was lucky, as Joanne seemed to be so tired all the time, and always had one child or another in her arms or at her side.

He offered to take the kids to the park again on his day off, since he knew that if he did, later he could arrange it so that at the right time he would go off and do some 'errands'….and meet with Susan. So, after dropping them off at the house after the park, he told his wife that he had to go out for a while and get some things, and she didn't think anything of it, but asked him to pick up a few groceries for her as well.

He went to the stores and got the items on his list right away, and then drove past the coffee shop several times, arguing with himself. He didn't have a lot of experience with women, and for the first time he envied Johnny his wide knowledge. ….There she was, looking for him from inside the shop. Like a moth drawn to a potentially deadly flame, he went into the shop and was again blown away by the effect this woman could have on him.

He wanted to explain his life to her, but more than that, more than anything, he wanted to touch her…and have her touch him. They ignored their coffee until it grew cold and then he said, "Would you like to go for a walk? I know a nice trail not too far away…" And she smiled, and touched his arm, sending sparks and another drug hit to his system.

They drove in silence and to Roy it felt like they had always known each other. He parked at the head of the trail, and opened her door. As she got out, she stood very close to him. "Roy…" she breathed, and suddenly he was scared and said, "Let's walk." So they walked and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to take her hand. A flash of warning lights went off in his mind, a quick vision of Joanne at home with the two kids came and went, but this feeling was so overpowering it overrode everything else.

"I can't do this," his conscience made him say out loud. She whispered, "I know..." and then kissed his mouth ever so softly. Fire ran through his body, lit by her mouth on his, and caused him to groan, even as he registered how strange her mouth felt with its different lips and movement when compared to his wife. He was lost, and part of him exulted and rejoiced, 'This is what it's supposed to feel like, remember?' and part of him cringed in horror, 'I am kissing a woman other than my wife – I am being unfaithful!' But that feeling! It was so amazing! He kissed her in response, and his arms pulled her tight to him without his willing them…again that exultation and horror warred within his mind.

Someone started to jog past them on the trail, and they broke apart. But some boundary had been passed, the guard had been taken away, and now…they looked at each other with wonder. "I'd better get back," he managed to say and she nodded. Neither of them mentioned seeing each other again, but they both knew they would.

When Roy got home again, Joanne wondered what had taken him so long but never questioned his explanation. It made him feel even more guilty – and relieved. That night, in his mind it wasn't Joanne he held in his arms, it was Susan.

He was oddly impressed with his hitherto latent powers of subterfuge. He was pretty sure no one at work noticed anything different about him next shift, but for him, it felt like everything had changed. Today, sometime, she would call, they would set up a meeting….and he would see her again.

Only once did his guard slip, when he and Johnny were coming back from a run. John was going on and on about some new nurse when he seemed to catch on that his partner wasn't really listening to him. "What's up, Roy?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about my days off."

"Did'ya do anything special?"

Roy almost guffawed at that, but just grinned and said, "No, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Huh. I just thought you looked kinda pleased about something."

"Really? That's interesting."

"Really? You don't sound like it."

Roy didn't rise to John's baiting and pretty soon John was back on his own tangent. Roy breathed a sigh of relief. If the one person who spent as much time with him as his wife couldn't tell, then he was safe. Then that twinge of conscience hit him again, and he almost told Johnny, before he remembered John saying things that implied he wouldn't be believed anyway. So, that was fine.

It was a regular run - a woman had fallen at a restaurant. She was an employee who had become nauseated and collapsed while working in a basement store room. The other employees went down to help her and sent someone to call 911. Since she was pregnant they thought they should leave her where she was rather than move her.

When Roy and Johnny arrived, the woman's helpers came upstairs to meet them and started to complain about feeling sick themselves. Based on their symptoms, Roy immediately hurried down the stairs to get the woman while John was still asking questions. "What the heck?..." exclaimed Johnny, and called for the engine company to join them for a possible CO leak. He then ran outside to grab his SCBA, while calling out to the people he'd been talking to, "Wait outside on the sidewalk. Thanks!"

Roy was in the basement checking the woman's vital signs, and was very concerned about her being so pregnant. He knew he couldn't get her up the stairs while unconscious without help, and started calling for Johnny. He looked around the basement. On the other side of the store room was a very old gas-powered incinerator that looked like it hadn't been maintained in years…and, he belatedly realized, was most likely disgorging CO at a very nice rate. His only concern was getting the woman out of this toxic environment immediately. "Johnny! NOW!" Where was he?

Johnny was struggling to get on his SCBA gear when the engine pulled up. He told Cap where Roy was and what he was doing. Cap was furious, and ordered John to get him out of there asap. When John showed up a minute later in the basement, Roy just said, "Let's get her out of here," and without any more conversation the two men carried the victim up the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Marco and Chet were suited up and Roy told them briefly about the incinerator as the probable source of CO. They headed in to take care of the leak.

After stabilizing the woman, Johnny checked Roy's pulse, blood pressure and breathing rate. He didn't appear have any symptoms but Johnny still insisted that Roy ride in the ambulance with him and their victim, and asked Cap if Chet could drive the squad to the hospital.

Once in the Emergency, John asked Dr Brackett to check Roy. Brackett asked Roy if he had any symptoms of headache or nausea, and took blood for testing. When the results came back that he was fine, Roy smiled at his partner, and said, "See, all that stressing out for nothing. I knew I was okay."

Johnny narrowed his eyes at his friend, but didn't say anything except, "Thanks, doc. Appreciate it."

"Yes, well, I want to see you in a few days just the same, Roy. If you experience any symptoms, you get back in here right away, got it?"

"Sure, no problem."

"No problem," Johnny muttered under his breath. "I'll show you no problem."

After they returned to the station, Captain Stanley asked to speak with Roy privately in his office. The other men knew what was coming, even if Roy seemed oblivious. Chet spoke to Johnny as they walked to the dorm together. "Hey, man, what's up with your partner? I mean that was a crazy stupid stunt he pulled back there – something you would do, but not him."

"What do you mean, something I would do?"

"You know, Gage, not taking the time to weigh the consequences and just stormin' in…"

"Listen, you can't compare what I do to what Roy did back there. I don't know what's up with him either. It's like he's just, I dunno, really reckless all of a sudden."

"Yeah, like I said, something you would do."

"I would not…."

"Ah, let it go, man. Just forget it."

"No, I won't. So you think I'm reckless, do you?" The two men continued arguing as they entered the dorm, but it was completely without rancour.

Once Roy was in the office, Cap told him to close the door. Roy was surprised and not a little apprehensive. Cap never closed his door. "Sit down, Roy. I have something to say to you." He considered his senior paramedic carefully. "You have no idea why I want to talk to you, do you?"

"No, Cap, sorry, I don't."

"That alone tells me that this is something I need to deal with right away. Roy, you've been taking unnecessary risks – and you don't seem to realize it." He paused, and then looked Roy in the eye. "You're not invulnerable." Roy felt a frisson of fear and thought, 'He knows.'

Cap continued, "Now, I don't know what's going on with you, but I know that you need to snap out of it right now. You went into a clear CO environment, with several people ill, without your air pack – what were you thinking?"

Roy's first reaction was relief that Cap wasn't telling him off for his relationship with Susan, and it barely registered with him that he was being told off for putting himself in danger. Lately he did feel invulnerable, and things worked out okay; actually better than okay when he thought about his last meeting with Susan…

Hank could tell that whatever was going on with Roy, he wasn't getting through to him. "For crying out loud, Roy, do you need me to spell it out for you? Even a minute's worth of CO at those concentrations could'a had serious consequences! One more stunt like that and I'm putting you on report!" He was so upset that he rose from his chair and started moving around his office. "You, of all people, should know better!" Cap continued, shocked that he had to treat this experienced firefighter like a first year. Roy just looked at him as if he was over-reacting. Cap said in disgust, "Go. Just…go. I'll talk to you later. But watch your step, DeSoto. I mean it."

That night at the station Roy had difficulty getting to sleep. He wasn't thinking about his near-miss and Cap's reaction, he was piqued that Susan hadn't called, at least when he was around, and there were no messages. He knew nonetheless he'd be back at the coffee shop on his day off. He got out of bed and went to the kitchen and tried to read a book.

Without other distractions, his conscience spoke up more forcefully. 'Do you realize what you are doing? What you're putting in danger? You could lose everything, your wife, your kids, your home, the respect of your friends and colleagues – and for what? Some girl you don't even really know who's got the hots for you and makes you feel like a hormonal teenager. What do you think is going to happen here? Anything good? You think of yourself as a decent man – is this what a decent man does? Kisses other women behind his wife's back? This is stupid and dangerous…you are going to get so burned, worse than any fire you've ever been in…'

He got angry at himself, but instead of it motivating him to tell Susan that he wouldn't see her anymore, he found himself arguing in another vein altogether. 'It wasn't like I didn't try to let other people know what was going on – I mean I told Johnny, the others saw all the phone calls I was getting, they heard me say that I was having a hard time saying no to her – someone should have stepped in! Someone should have told me off when I was saying I would try to get together with her and when I said I wanted my privacy…' but his conscience wouldn't let him get away with that one. He knew that it was his call, and it didn't matter what anyone else said or did.

When he had told Johnny that Susan was hung up on him, he didn't mention that it was mutual. Why had he told Johnny, anyway? What was he expecting? A pat on the back? Disgust? He certainly hadn't expected the derision he got, but you know what? That was just fine. It just made it that much easier…here his reasoning stalled, because the only thing that got easier was his ability to lie, and be unfaithful. He buried his head in his arms.

What a mess. He wouldn't go to the coffee shop again. He was stronger than this thing. He just had to stop thinking about how she looked, how she smelled and felt in his arms, how her mouth tasted…he groaned with desire and self disgust. It looked like he didn't even need to be physically in her presence now to get the high he craved. He was so screwed.

'I thought you were an honourable man!' Was it his wife's voice? His captain's? Johnny's? His own? He hadn't even realized that he had fallen asleep, but woke up still sitting at the station's kitchen table. He hadn't been asleep very long. Roy knuckled his eyes like a child would do. He recognized it was his own internal voice that was questioning his honour.

Suddenly, and for the first time, he had a real appreciation for all the addicts he and his partner had brought into Rampart, and the real suffering they experienced when they were trying to get clean. He wasn't a swearing man, but all kinds of foul language started going around in his head. It seemed that he really didn't know himself very well after all. Swearing, running around behind his wife's back….what else was he capable of doing? He went back to bed. Even if he didn't sleep, there wouldn't be the questions he wanted to avoid if he was there when everyone else got up.

The next day at home he did a lot of work around the house, checking off several outstanding tasks from Joanne's 'to do' list. She was very grateful, and wondered at his sudden energy. The truth was that he was trying to keep so occupied that he wouldn't think about Susan; meeting Susan, kissing Susan…it didn't really work since he noticed that he was checking the time frequently, and more and more often as it got closer to 'their' time to meet…he wasn't going to go. Not this time. He was going to stay home with his family.

Then…"Do you need anything at the store?" he called to Joanne after the clock hit 10 minutes past the hour. Damn. Well, he'd just drive by and see if she was there, tell her to go home if she was…

When he drove by, he saw that Susan wasn't in the shop; she was outside it, looking a bit lost. He had to stop. It wasn't fair to have her stand there like that. He pulled up and her face lit up like a theatre marquee. She leaned into the car, and said in a low voice, "I was so afraid you weren't coming." All his fragile resolve dissolved, and he said to her, "Get in."