When I was telling her that I didn't want her, I didn't expect her to buy it. I didn't expect that she wouldn't fight back, that she'd take my word as she wrapped her arms around herself, tears already leaking out of her eyes. I thought that she would remember the countless times that I told her that I loved her, the times that I held her and how scared and crazy I'd gotten when James tried to kill her. I thought that she would know better.
But she just let me walk away.
I was prepared for this to take hours, maybe even days before she would finally let me leave. I thought that she'd try to convince me to stay. I really thought that she would do whatever it took to keep me. I thought that I meant more to her than that. I thought I'd have to tie her up and run from her. I really thought that would be more to it than that.
She was my Bella. I was her Edward. The two weren't suppose to separate. In my mind, it was all perfect. She loved me, I loved her, it was really that easy. Except that in reality it wasn't. I was constantly putting her in danger. I was constantly jeopardizing her life and I couldn't let that happen anymore. I couldn't watch her die because of me.
I wouldn't have it.
So, yes, I lied to her. Yes, I told her that I didn't want her. I looked into her beautiful chocolate brown eyes and I lied straight into her soul. I took the pain that it brought me with a single-minded acceptance. Bella was safe now.
I wish there was something that I could do. I knew the voice in my head and I looked up at Rosalie who was looking over at me, her expression sad. "What?" She said, narrowing her eyes at me. "I'm not all bad."
"Yes, but you hated Bella."
"I did not. You know that better than anyone. I just thought it was dangerous and stupid to have her around."
"Well, I guess you got your way then, didn't you?" I snapped.
"But I saw how happy that she made you. I was getting used to her. Edward, I've known you for fifty odd years and I've never seen you even a sixteenth, hell a hundredth as happy as you were when you were with her. And if you want to know what I think -"
"I already know what you think Rosalie!"
"I think you were dumb to let it go. Happiness like that doesn't come around that often. You should know."
It was all that I heard anymore. What everyone thought about me leaving Bella.
Esme. The poor boy. He's so lost without her. I wonder how she's doing. Maybe I should pop over for a quick visit. No, Edward wouldn't like that. But I would.
Alice. Stupid, dumb bloodsucking Vampire. Going off and leaving the only girl he ever loved. The only girl he will ever love. I mean, I know these things. I see the future. Oh, hi, Edward.
Carlisle. Maybe I shouldn't have created him. Maybe I should have banned him from seeing her in the first place. No, but then Edward wouldn't know what it feels like to be in love. And love…is amazing. Then he'd smile at Esme.
Jasper. Try harder. Fix this for him. Fill the room with such peace that he doesn't hurt anymore. Come on!
Emmett. Damn kid. What the hell was he thinking? Trying to save her? Please. He should start worrying about himself. If he doesn't hunt soon, he's going to go crazy. Maybe I'll beat the shit out of him and then maybe he'll go back to her. God. What if I'd lost Rose? How does he do it?
"I don't know." I said out loud, surprising a guilty Emmett.
"What?"
"How I do it. I don't know. Sometimes I don't think that I do. Most of the time, I just sit here and try not to think. It's not an easy thing."
"I know. Trying not to think around you is impossible. Sorry about all the crazy shit that goes through my head, man. Especially when it's about you and Bella."
"It's all right, man. I try to block out your thoughts most of the time, anyway."
"So what are you going to do?" When I just looked at him, he said. "I mean, you obviously can't go on like this forever. One of us will kill you before we let that happen."
"I can't go back to her, man. I can't put her in danger that way again. I can't."
I stopped. I told Bella that I loved her, and I did. With every messed up thing that I was, I loved her. But this, now, by keeping myself away from her, I was showing her just how much. Because every minute that I lived without her was like fire in my heart, worse than any thirst that I'd ever felt in my life.
It was hell. Right here on earth.