The Light Inside Your Dreams - part 1
Her period was fifteen days late.
Frak.
She leaned her head against the viper, the cool metal warming her cold, clammy forehead. The constant bouts of nausea were getting worse and she was barely able to hide them. She imagined every look people threw her way was a knowing one. An accusatory one.
Just admit it already Thrace. You're pregnant.
Multiple times a day for the last two weeks the thought had occurred to her, and every time it made the nausea worse. Starbuck the great and powerful be damned; the thought of having a baby dropped her to her knees in a panic attack.
"You okay?" Lee's words were warm, like the hand he used to splay across her lower back protectively when something was wrong.
She turned back to face him, swallowing involuntarily several times as the bile rose in her throat. His arm jerked reflexively, as if wanting to touch her.
"Fine" she said lightly. The expression on his face darkened, telling her she hadn't quite accomplished it.
"You don't look fine." The impulse won; a hand reached out to touch her arm. The warmth penetrated her flightsuit and made her tremble.
"Just tired." She managed a lopsided grin though her stomach lurched. That funny, uncomfortable sensation in her lower belly took hold of her again and her mind began to chant. You can't ignore this forever. You have to find out the truth. This baby could be Lee's and he needs to know if it is. You can't live in denial and pretend this isn't happening just because you don't want it to happen. Every time you go out there - every time you live through those G forces you could be damaging the new life growing inside you. What happens if you kill it?
There was relief at the thought. Having a baby was nowhere to be found in the dance card of her life. It had happened accidentally and regardless of who the father was, ending it before it went any further was probably best.
"I haven't slept well lately," she offered by way of explanation. "I'll take a nap after CAP and then I'll be fine." She was able to smile for real as the nausea began to fade.
Lee took that explanation without question though she knew the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. He wasn't looking at them so often or intently anymore now that he'd made the decision to make his marriage work. There were a lot of things he didn't see.
One more day, she promised the voice in her mind, the nagging one that always told her things she didn't want to hear. I'll give it one more day. Maybe it's not a baby and whatever it is will go away on it's own. Deep in her heart she knew she was lying to herself but living in denial was something she'd done so long it had become second nature. She wasn't sure she even knew how to tell the truth anymore.
Even to herself.
oooooooooo
She broke her promise. As usual.
The nausea and strange feelings had disappeared during CAP and hadn't returned. Forty-eight hours had passed and there had been no sign of them. But your period is seventeen days late. She was never late. Every thirty days, you could set a calendar by it. It was, ironically enough, pretty much the only constant she could be sure of. Even her own heart, once firm in it's decisions, was now fickle, betraying her at every turn.
Of course the outside influences weren't exactly helping with that either - Lee's insistence that 'they' were over and he was happy with Dee was belied by his every look at her. Eyes couldn't lie - especially his, and they told her clearer and truer than words ever could that he still loved her.
Sam was still bent on making their marriage work, though she'd done everything from telling him it was over to just using him for sex and sending him away callously to let him know where she stood on that one. But though he seemed devoted she was beginning to hear rumblings about him and other women. No one told her to her face but the rumours were spreading far and wide and like poison ivy she couldn't help but be tainted by them once they'd touched her.
It was ironic. Almost worthy of a laugh. Two men in her life - as similar as could be in some ways, as different as night and day in others. One loved her - said so but didn't really mean it. One said he didn't love her, but couldn't hide the fact that it was a lie. One of them is the father of the child you're pretending doesn't exist.
She slapped the thought away. She wasn't pretending it didn't exist. It didn't. The nausea and funny feelings had gone away. That mean she'd been wrong. The gods knew it wouldn't be the first time. If anything she was the biggest frak-up history had ever known. And if she had managed to get pregnant despite the mandatory birth control shots then she was an even bigger frak-up than that.
Or an extremely unlucky one.
oooooooooo
Three days later she got her answer. She began to bleed. Well halle-bloody-luia, she thought, sticking her 'feminine protection' to her worn panties, conveniently covering up the growing holes.
This time the cramps were fierce. Several times she had to clench her teeth and force herself not to double over in pain. She debated canceling her CAP shift but decided against it. Sitting for three hours would be alright - it would help alleviate the pain. And since she was scheduled on with Hotdog and Jumper - two seasoned pilots, there wouldn't be much chatter and she could suffer in silence. She'd likely get more peace there than in her rack anyway.
Besides, she'd never missed flying because of a period. Her pride wasn't about to let her start now.
She gritted her teeth as she walked down to the hangar bay. The pain was intense and she knew she was scowling at everyone she passed. Couldn't help it. It was better than opening her mouth, trying to be pleasant and instead tearing a strip off some poor soul who didn't deserve it. Frak! And I thought PMS was bad! The pain had never been this bad before. She stopped to breathe and gripped the bulkhead.
"Are you okay?"
She hadn't noticed Lee coming towards her. He looked greyish ... dull ... devoid of colour. Her eyes swam - no, everything looked that way. The edges of her vision began to blacken. Haven't we been here before? She sank down to her knees, blood pouring down her legs and pooling on the deck as she slid down the wall. I'm having a miscarriage, was the last thought she had before succumbing to the darkness.
oooooooooo
She came to in Lifestation, some indeterminate amount of time later. There was a fair bit of noise and confusion, perhaps regarding her? The memory rushed back of her collapse. Her face flamed.
Lee had seen her this way.
She hated feeling like this around him. Emotional. Vulnerable. Not in control. Well it was hardly her fault if she were miscarrying. It's your fault for getting pregnant in the first place, a little voice reminded her.
The curtain swept open suddenly. Cottle came in, wearing a look of concern, and pulling an odd looking machine behind him, one of the nurses bringing up the rear.
"I'm pregnant aren't I?" she said quietly, blunt as always. "The blood, the pain ... it's a miscarriage."
Cottle looked her directly in the eye. "We're not sure what it is. Do you think you might be pregnant?"
She closed her eyes. "My period is almost three weeks late."
"I see," he said, managing to convey much more than he actually said with just those two words. "I've taken a blood sample but it'll be another hour before we have an analysis. We've done an internal," he added, managing to indicate without words that the nurse had actually performed it, "and discovered a lump in your uterus. It would be consistent with a pregnancy," he said, answering the question in her eyes. "But I'm going to do an ultrasound to get a better look and wait for the results of the blood test before making a diagnosis."
"How long was I out?" she cleared her throat, trying to make her voice sound stronger.
"Maybe ten minutes," he answered dismissively, attention fully on the diagnostic instrument before him.
She flushed deeply. Lee had carried her all the way here? Bleeding and unconscious? She closed her eyes again as Cottle began his test. She hated to have Lee see her vulnerable.
As if on cute she heard Lee's apologetic cough as he poked his head in. "Is she okay?"
"She'll be fine," Cottle said shortly. "We're busy. If you could give us some privacy?"
He nodded, a flush growing in his cheeks. His eyes met Kara's briefly before he disappeared. She closed her eyes again.
He still cared.
That one glance - one quick peek opened the door into his soul. He still cared for her. It was a sticky situation. Words had been said, things had happened between them ... and she'd once so truly stated there were no takebacks. There was no taking back the fact that they'd declared their love for one another, she'd run, he'd pursued eventually and tried to win her back but she'd spurned him. There was also no taking back the fact that once she'd thought it through and changed her mind she'd found he'd thought about it too and decided he was done with her. That had all seemed rather final. Painful, but final. They'd slowly been working their way back to just a working friendship, only a few steps having been taken on what was going to be a long, long journey.
The look they'd just shared told her one important thing though - he might say he was done with her and that he wanted to save his marriage but deep inside Apollo's shell,Lee Adama still loved her, still cared.
A familiar pain gripped her heart and squeezed her chest tightly. Much as she might tell herself she was okay with just being friends, that she wanted Lee and Dee to be happy together, she still loved him. Still cared more than she should.
What if the baby is his? What if you killed Lee's son or daughter?
The grief pounded through her, mixed with shame. Shame because there was a huge part of her that wanted it to miscarry. She didn't want to be a mother. Didn't want to be responsible for a child's life. Didn't want the worry that she'd turn out just like her mother and beat the shit out of her kid for her own good.
But there was an equal part of shame on another front - she wanted the baby to be Lee's. Not because she wanted to kill his child, Gods no, she'd caused him enough pain already. But somewhere deep inside she wanted to believe that their love - something special and different than anything she'd shared with anyone else, had been what had triumphed and created a new life. Not the 'sex for the sake of sex' that she'd had with Sam. He was a good man, a kind man and he made her laugh and enjoy herself in bed but she couldn't keep kidding herself. She didn't love him.
But that brought up another dilemma - how was it she could be relieved at miscarrying if the baby was Sam's but not if it was Lee's? Somehow it felt more special to her if Lee was the father. Not like you're ever going to know now ...
She sighed and covered her eyes.
"Are you okay?"
She was going to frakking kill the next person who asked her that. Kill - she didn't care if it was concern that prompted the question, she was sick of people asking her something she always had to lie about.
"Is it hurting?" Cottle asked of the ultrasound. "We're nearly done."
"I'm fine. Just have a headache."
He grunted. She was glad he didn't laugh out loud, given the absurdity of the situation. Starbuck, possibly pregnant, possibly miscarrying. Extrapolate a little and the possibilities were either hilariously funny or too damn scary to even think about.
"We're done," Cottle said a few moments later, surprising gentleness in his voice. "I'll have Ishay clean things up and then I'll send Apollo in to see you. Unless you'd rather not ..." The eyebrow arched in a suggestive fashion - in almost any other male it could have been mistaken as a sexual gesture. It asked questions she didn't really want to answer. Circumstances however, seemed to be forcing her hand.
She nodded. "It's okay, he can come in."
He gave a single nod then looked meaningfully at Ishay on his way out of the curtained cubicle.
Ten minutes later Kara was freshly attired in a hospital gown, the worst of the blood stains having been washed off. She'd just swallowed some painkillers and pulled the blanket up over her chest when the curtain wavered and Lee's face appeared.
"Knock, knock," he said tentatively, face creased with concern.
"Come in." The amusement in her voice dispelled some of the lines but there was still a definite tinge of worry.
He came in closer and stood by the bed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. She could tell he was nervous.
"Sit down. Here." She patted the bed. It was unnecessary; there was no place else to sit in the small cubicle unless he were to use the floor. "I have something I need to tell you."
Those eight words were some of the hardest she'd ever said.
Lee's face remained impassive though his eyes appeared to deepen. Had to be an optical illusion. Eyes were just eyes, they couldn't be as endless as his seemed.
"I think I'm pregnant."
A flash of something passed through his eyes then it was gone. "How long have you suspected?"
She closed her eyes, unwilling to see his condemnation as she answered. "A couple of weeks."
The silence hung heavy between them.
"You never said anything." There was no accusation in his voice. Surprising.
She opened her eyes. "I'm sorry. As my superior officer you should have been told ..."
"You could have confided in me as a friend." There was nothing but sorrow in those deep, blue eyes.
"Friends?" She wanted to laugh - the irony of it bubbled inside her. A wry smile was all she managed. "We've never been friends Lee."
His eyes closed halfway, perhaps to hide tears. "Funny, I always thought we were friends," he said softly.
"We've never been friends because we could never stop there," she replied just as softly. "There's always been more."
They shared a look of understanding that held a beat, then another ...
He rose. "I'll get Sam. He should be here with you." His discomfort was palpable as he turned to leave.
"I don't want him here."
He turned, evidently not sure he'd heard right. "He's your husband."
"In name only."
They shared another look. He broke it off and she wondered if he too was remembering their conversation in the Raptor when she'd refused to divorce Sam, even after admitting the marriage was meaningless to her.
"It's his child too Kara, he deserves to be here." There was more than a hint of reproof now. The Lee she knew only in those few moments of tenderness, connectedness, was gone and the man with the mask was back. He turned away again, shoulders held high and uptight.
"What if the baby's yours?"
The tension in him grew. She could almost see the shape of his back and shoulder muscles through his uniform as they tensed, ready to fight.
"What if the baby's mine?" he repeated in incredulity. He spun back to face her. "Why would you even think that?"
"Oh I don't know," she said, acerbity dripping from her words. "Maybe because we had sex. That is how babies are made you know."
"Twice." The word was harsh, like a knife slicing the air between them. "We only had sex twice and once was on New Caprica nearly a year ago."
"And once was recent - only a couple of months ago."
"Why would you think the baby's mine and not Sam's? You're married to him for frak's sake! We only had sex once recently!"
"Once is all it takes."
She could see the splay of emotions across his face as the mask broke. Love, desire, fear, anger, disgust ... it was a familiar sight. Rarely had she seen him look at her with unification of heart and mind. Only once she could recall - on New Caprica. It had been love then.
Now anger was winning.
"So what do you want me to do? Leave my wife and stay by your side because the baby might be mine? Even if I was willing, you're not willing to leave your husband. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend I don't care? Let another man raise my child?"
She was sure she saw a flash of relief in his eyes at the last words. She suspected being a parent was something that frightened him as much as it did her. Zak had told her something of their childhood; even if he hadn't, the relationship between Lee and his father would have given it away. It was obvious Zak's death wasn't the only thing that had split them as far apart as they were.
Normally she would have stung him with a fiery retort but the meds were kicking in and all she felt was a deep weariness. "I don't know," she said softly. "I don't know if we have to do anything." She paused. "I think it's miscarrying."
The words were barely more than a whisper but his reaction showed he'd heard her loud and clear. She could see her feelings reflected back at her as his eyes, normally clear and piercing, turned dark and stormy, a maelstrom of emotions vying with one another for superiority.
"There wouldn't be so much pain and blood if it weren't, right?" She could hear the desire in her voice - knew he could hear it too and for a moment felt shameful again until she saw the look on his face. He too looked relieved. It was a situation she was sure he wasn't going to like dealing with, whether the baby was his or not. It complicated things and he'd only just made the move to simplify his life. Lee Adama liked simplicity ... or thought he did. Kara knew better. No one who loved her could love simplicity. She was the most complex puzzle known to mankind. Even she couldn't figure herself out most of the time.
Sorrow and sympathy replaced the brief look of relief on his face. "I ... I don't know what to say," he said softly.
"Then don't say anything."
She saw his face soften as she uttered the words. She couldn't remember ever saying them but he looked as though he was remembering some other time he'd heard them.
"I have to go," he said awkwardly. "I need to rework the flight schedule now that you're off it."
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Her fingers gripped the blanket harshly, knuckles whitening so as to stop herself from reaching out to him for comfort. It was what she always did instinctively.
"Don't tell anyone," she begged softly.
He shook his head. "Not a word."
Their eyes met and the glance held. "I'll come back later."
She nodded again, closing her eyes. The lashes grew wet.
oooooooooo
She felt slightly more rested when she awoke some time later, one of the nurses wheeling a tray of instruments into her cubicle. There was no difference in the lighting inside the ship but something indefinable told her it was night, or at least late evening.
"What are you doing?" she asked the nurse, an unfamiliar woman with blonde hair like her own.
"Attaching an IV to your arm," she replied, gently picking up Kara's arm and fastening a rubber tube around it to make the veins stand out.
"Why?"
"Doctor's orders." Her placid manner told Kara there was no point in asking further - she either didn't know or wasn't willing to reveal what she did.
She didn't have long to wonder - Cottle was only a minute behind the nurse. He didn't waste time getting to the point. "The good news is it isn't a miscarriage. You're not even pregnant."
Kara's eyes widened. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't pregnant! She should feel happy right? She didn't want to have children and the thought of being pregnant had filled her with dread. Even if she survived pregnancy and giving birth (and she wasn't sure that was possible), having a child would change her life forever. She would be a mom first, everything else second. She'd never wanted that, from as long back as she could remember. It had been the one thing she and Zak had fought about and likely always would have.
She wasn't having a baby. She should feel relieved shouldn't she? The responsibility, the complications, the fallout it would have caused if Lee had been the father ... she'd been spared all of it. For once the Gods had been kind and given her what she wanted.
But the God's gifts were usually double-edged: one side might be blunt but the other always cut to the bone.
She braced herself. "And the bad news?" Her voice was hoarse.
Cottle breathed deeply. "Your uterus is a mess. Actually your whole reproductive system is. There are multiple tumours in your uterus and at least one we can see on your ovary." He paused a moment, eyes meeting hers. "I'm not sure if they're cancerous - I'd have to do a biopsy and sample the tissue to know for sure, but even if they're not, they need to be removed. They're compromising blood flow which is what's causing the bleeding."
Her eyes asked the question words couldn't.
"I'll have to do a hysterectomy and remove it all." He exhaled. "I'm sorry but it means you'll never be able to have children."
She felt as though an unseen force had punched her and knocked the wind right out of her lungs. She was never able to have children. Not ever. If she hadn't already be lying down she would have doubled over in pain.
Frak.
She should be happy now shouldn't she? No chance of ever having children? No worry that birth control might fail? Hell, no need for birth control ever again!
Her eyes closed.
"I've got surgery scheduled in three hours."
"That soon?" The words came out with no warning.
He gave her a look that held more sympathy than he'd ever shown her before. "I need to make sure the OR is sterilized and then we're ready. I don't want to put it off because you never know when things could get hairy all of a sudden around here."
She nodded in understanding but her heart felt as though the foundation it sat upon was crumbling away. She wasn't ready for this yet!
He stretched a hand out and awkwardly patted her arm a few times. "It'll be okay. We'll take good care of you."
TBC