A/N Music and Lyrics was a movie that came out in 2007 staring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore, and also costarred Matthew Morrison. It's a cheesy romantic comedy, but I always liked the music from it! I'll be posting this in three parts.
Cast List, in order of appearance;
Alex Fletcher – Blaine Anderson
Colin – Sebastian Smythe
TV Executive #1 – Nick
TV Executive #2 – Jeff
Chris – Cooper Anderson
Sophie Fisher – Kurt Hummel
Cora – Brittany
Ray – (Mr.) Schue
Greg – Santana
Rhonda – Rachel Berry
Rhonda's husband – Finn Hudson
Sloan – Adam Crawford
Kahn – Figgins
Reviews Always Welcome!
…
Music and Lyrics
"Do you remember the band the Warblers? Everyone remembers Sebastian Smythe, the lead singer, who ventured out as a solo artist, who sold over six million albums and sold out concert venues all over the world. But what about the other lead singer, Blaine Anderson? What ever became of him? Find out tonight on The Battle of The Has Beens!"
The announcer's voice was a bit too cheerful proclaiming the fact that his career had basically tanked before he'd really gotten the chance to begin, Blaine thought, but just smiled brightly at the two television executives sitting across from him.
"Well, what do you think?"
Utter nonsense, is what Blaine thought, but recalling Coop's advice from earlier, he decided to just grin and bare it. "It's brilliant!"
"I'm so glad you think so!" The executive, who's name if he recalled correctly was Nick, said, face falling slightly before continuing. "Some of the acts we've approached have taken offense at the term 'has beens.'"
"No, no. It's exactly what I am. A has been. I am a happy has been." Just shoot me now...
"Great! We've already signed on a few other retro personalities as well, Flock of Seagulls, Frankie goes to Hollywood, Debbie Gibson."
Blaine cringed inside. Everyone of those artists had been famous long before he'd been born. "Awesome. So, how many songs will I get to sing?"
The two executives looked at each other sheepishly. The blonde one, who he thought might be named Jeff, smiled. "We can't promise any act they will actually get to sing."
Blaine was confused now. "Then what will we be doing?"
"Boxing," Nick said. "That's why it's called Battle of The Has Beens!"
"Oh..."
…
An hour and twenty five minutes later, he let himself in to his tenth floor apartment, unsurprised to find his older brother and manager, Cooper waiting for him.
Coop raised his hands in a surrender gesture. "I had no idea they meant boxing."
"It's alright, Coop. Not a big deal. You know I did some boxing in high school. I can take Debbie Gibson with one hand tied behind my back."
"Funny. But I have great news."
"You found a rich sugar daddy to take you in and pay for your acting classes?"
"Even better," Cooper replied, not even batting an eyelash at his younger brother's remark. Instead he held up the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine, which featured a beautiful young blonde woman. The headline read; Britt Britt announces world tour!
"Brittany Pierce, AKA Britt Britt, is a Warblers fan! She wants to meet with you to discuss doing a duet with you on her next album!"
Before Blaine could respond, the intercom buzzed. "Hold that thought." He walked over to the panel and pressed the button. "Figgins, I've missed you. What's up?"
"Mr. Anderson, I have a Kurt Hummel here to see you."
"Wonderful, who might that be?"
"He says he is here to do your plants."
"But Tina does my plants."
"He says he can be in and out in five minutes, and that this is the best time he has available to do them."
"Very well, seems as if he won't be denied. Send him up."
He turned back to his brother. "Now, Britt Britt, you were saying?"
"Why do you have a plant person? Why do you have plants at all?"
"Because, now and then I invite people here to entertain, and one of them once told me that plants make people feel welcome. Plus they freshen the air and produce oxygen. Now, Brittany Pierce wants to do a duet with me?"
"Yes, her manager contacted me personally. He wants..."
He was interrupted by the doorbell. Blaine moved to answer it. A handsome, pale, auburn haired man with stunning blue-grey-green eyes smiled at him.
"Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel. Tina didn't call you? She was supposed to call you and let you know I'd be taking over her plant business for a couple of weeks. She eloped with a dancer she met at a bar a few nights ago."
"No, this is the first I've heard of it. Come in."
"Thank you. I hope you have your own watering can. Tina said everyone was supposed to have their own watering can, but this last lady didn't. Old French woman, who kept shouting at me, in French. 'Idiot! Continuez avec ça! Vous paresseux morceau de merde!' And I'm fluent enough in French to understand what she was saying. Trust me, you've never been cussed at until you've been cussed at in French."
Blaine briefly wondered how the man could say so much without stopping for breath. "I understand completely. I dated a mademoiselle briefly. Dating her is what made me realize I was gay, actually. And as it happens, I do have my own watering can. Under the sink in the kitchen."
"Well, Merci!" Kurt smiled.
Cooper cleared his throat, startling the pale skinned man, who hadn't noticed him until then.
"Oh, this is Cooper, my brother and manager."
"Kurt Hummel, pleased to meet you. So, kitchen?"
Blaine pointed him in the right direction, and once the other man was out of the room, he sat down at his desk, flipping through the magazine article on Brittany. "So, why does Britt Britt want to do a duet with me?"
"Her manager didn't say, but he wants to meet with us later this afternoon. Britt Britt is filming a new music video, and wants to speak to you after..."
"Ouch!" Neither man had noticed Kurt return to the room and begin watering the plants, including a large cactus in the corner.
"Are you alright?" Blaine asked.
Kurt was sucking a finger that he'd just pricked on the cactus. "Um, do you have a bandage and antibacterial cream?"
"No, sorry."
"Um, well, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna have this checked out at the ER. Sorry, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, at least that is what my sister in law, Rachel says, but you can never be too careful. You really should have antibacterial cream on hand."
The two Andersons watched the strange man collect his things and leave, still muttering to himself about infection and amputation.
"Don't give him a key," Cooper suggested in the silence that followed the closing of the door.
"No..."
…
From somewhere in a mist shrouded jungle, deep male voices began chanting what sounded like Buddhist prayers. A moment later they were joined by a drum, and then an upbeat pop tune.
From out of the fog strolled a scantily clad woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes, swaying seductively to the music as she began to sing.
I'm starting to believe, boy
That this was meant to be, boy
Cause I believe in karma
Boy, do you believe in karma?
So forget about your past life
Cause this could be our last life
We're gonna reach nirvana
Boy, we're gonna be reach nirvana
Each time you put your lips to mine
Its like a taste of Buddha's delight
I see the gates of paradise
You're a taste of Buddha's delight
Tell me all your fantasies tonight
And I will make them happen
Cause I'm not satisfied if I don't get my Buddha's delight
Om Shanti Shanti
Om Shanti Shanti
Like sitting meditation
You give me elevation
Can you take me higher?
I wonder, can you take me higher?
I want a revelation and sweet salvation
and the eternal fire
Show me the eternal fire
I've got to have my Buddha's delight
Om Shanti Shanti
I've got to have my Buddha's delight
Om Shanti Shanti
la la la
Blaine and Cooper watched the video shoot in almost stunned disbelief. As the music came to an end, Cooper was the first to speak.
"It's so nice to see young people exploring religion."
"Uh huh." Was all Blaine could muster, before a man approached them. He had dark brown, curly hair, and a distinctive cleft in his chin.
"Hey, You must be Blaine and Cooper. I'm Schue, Britt Britt's manager. She's dying to meet you. Come this way."
He lead them to a dressing room, where the blonde superstar was waiting for them. "Hi! I'm so excited to finally meet you! Your music has been so inspirational in my life! Your song, Dance With Me Tonight helped me get through my parent's divorce when I was seven."
"Wow," Blaine suddenly felt very old, especially since the woman in front of him couldn't be more than seventeen herself.. "That's great, considering I recorded that when I was nine." Okay, he'd been fifteen, and naive at the time, but still, that was over fifteen years ago!
"That's why I want to do a song with you on my new album, to inspire a new generation."
"Well, I'm honored! I actually do have several songs I'd love to update..."
"Oh, I don't live in the past, it's so long ago. I want you to write an entirely new song. You see, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I was heart broken. We'd dated for three whole weeks! But then I read a book called A Way Back Into Love, and that is what I want our duet to be called. And I want it to be my next single."
"Oh, but..."
Schue interrupted him. "Her new album drops at the end of the month, so we need to have the song by the end of the week. Plus we plan to debut it when Britt kicks off her world tour in three weeks at Madison Square Garden. But don't worry too much. We have twenty retro artist working on it just in case you don't get it finished."
"Never fear," Britt said. "I have complete faith you will complete the song in time. It's destiny. Or not."
…
Back on the street, Blaine was getting agitated. "I can't write a song in a week! I'd need a lyricist, and you know I've never worked with anyone but Sebastian, and it's not like I can ask him!"
"Don't worry about it, Squirt! I actually have someone in mind. She's relatively new, and a bit edgy. Relax, I'll give her a call. In the meantime, you still have the McGregor High School reunion tomorrow night, and the fair on Saturday."
"What about King's Island on Thursday?"
"They canceled."
"Canceled?"
"Look, people are starting to forget who you are. You haven't put out a new album in almost eight years. We need this gig with Britt Britt to get you back in the spotlight."
Blaine sighed and ran his hands through his curls. "Fine! I guess I'm writing a song."
…
The next morning he sat at his piano, staring at the hastily scrawled lyrics that had been handed to him by a very gruff Latina as she'd pushed her way through the door, stating that Cooper had sent her. The lyricist, Santana Lopez, now sat in a chair across the room glaring at him as he played a chord on the instrument.
"So, let's see," he said, and began to sing as he played.
Give it up, I'm a bad hot witch
I look real good, but I'm a nasty bitch
I can scream and claw And curdle your blood
But you'll die on your way, back into love
"No, no! You've got it all wrong! This part here is fine, but the second line should be angrier!"
"I'm not exactly sure this is what Britt Britt is looking for."
"Whatever, if you can't rhyme anything but June and moon..."
The sound of the doorbell interrupted the black haired woman's rant. "Hold that thinly veiled insult."
Blaine stood and moved to the door, opening it to find Kurt standing there. "Hi, Figgins said I should just come up to finish the plants."
Blaine smiled. "They were able to save the finger, I see."
Kurt blushed as he stepped into the apartment. "Yeah, I know I made a big deal out of nothing. Ever since my dad had a heart attack when I was in high school, I've been something of a worrier about health and injuries."
"Eh hmm!" Santana cleared her throat, looking over the new comer with obvious interest.
"Kurt Hummel, this is Santana Lopez. Kurt is just here to water the plants."
Kurt shook hands with the Latina, ignorant of the way she was ogling him. "Pleased to meet you. I'll just get out of your way. I know, kitchen!" He said, pointing towards the correct door before heading through it.
Santana watched him go. "He's H.O.T. Is he coming back?"
"Unless the mother ship beams him back up, I imagine so. Okay, let's try this..."
He played the chords again, and sang the lyrics, ratcheting up the tempo for the second half. Kurt did a double take at the words as he re entered the room. Shrugging, he moved to the plants.
"No! You still don't get it! Start again!"
Blaine began once more.
Give it up, I'm a bad hot witch
Across the room, Kurt sang under his breath.
But with some magic, I just might switch
The others turned to look at him as he continued to hum tunelessly.
"What did you say?" Blaine asked.
Kurt froze in what he was doing. "I don't remember?"
"No, no, I think it was, 'but with some magic, I just might switch!' That's actually really good!"
Santana huffed in frustration. "What comes next, 'Feelings, nothing more than feelings?'"
"Now hang on," Blaine was saying. "I think he might just be on to something."
"Okay, fine, why don't we let plant boy here finish it."
Kurt hastily returned to watering the plants. "I'm just here to take care of the plants."
"No, come on, finish it," Santana said, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. "'Give it up, I'm a bad hot witch, but with some magic, I just might switch.' What comes next?"
Kurt shrugged and turned to face her. "'Let's fly my broom to the stars above, and we'll...charm our way back into love.'"
Blaine was stunned. "That was great!"
Santana growled in frustration, and gathered up her papers and stuffed them in her bag. "You guys make me sick!" She shot as she stormed out of the apartment.
Kurt quickly began to gather up the plant food and watering can to take back into the kitchen. "I'm sorry, I should leave."
"No! Wait! Have you ever heard of the Warblers?" Blaine asked in desperation.
Kurt returned from the kitchen and shrugged. "Of course! Who hasn't? My friend Rachel loved them! They had those weird side step dance moves and those awkward blazers and that ridiculous gelled back hair and oh my Gaga you're one of them!" Kurt said, just noticing the poster hanging on the wall beside Blaine's head depicting Sebastian Smythe and Blaine Anderson, along with the other three members of the band.
"Yes, well, the gel was necessary to keep the curls out of my face. They had a tendency to get in my eyes when I danced. As for the dance moves, they were the only ones Seb could handle while singing."
"I really need to go," Kurt said, gathering up his coat and bag.
"Wait! Have you ever done any writing before?"
"Oh, well," Kurt said, quickly heading towards the door, but Blaine followed him out into the hall. "Who hasn't written something, really? I mean I wrote the jingle for the ad for my best friend's acting classes, but I'm not a writer."
"Please, don't run off, I really want to talk to you about this song..."
"I'm sorry, I can't. I have to babysit for my stepbrother tonight. I mean for his kids, not my stepbrother, he's a grown up. He's married to my best friend, Rachel."
"Well, if you change your mind, I'll be at the Starlight Ballroom most of the night. I really would love to talk to you more."
The elevator door opened, and Kurt rushed inside. "I don't think so, I'm sorry. Goodbye!"
Blaine slapped the wall in frustration as the elevator doors shut in his face.
…
"New high score!" a boy of about eight shouted, looking at the large screen TV.
"You're so good at this, Weirdo! You have to play the next level!" The boy's sister was a couple years older. Both of them had their mother's prominent nose, and their father's lanky build.
Kurt laughed and was about to start the next level of Dance Dance Revolution when the sound of a key scraping in the lock sent the three figures into a panic. Kurt rushed to shut off the TV while urging the two kids to quickly get into bed before their parents entered. He was only slightly winded when the door opened a few seconds later.
He smiled as his best friend and stepbrother entered the apartment. "So, how was dinner and the movie?"
"It was great," Finn said, hanging up his coat.
"How would you know, you fell asleep half an hour in," Rachel said.
"I like sleep."
"Whatever. How were the kids?"
"They were perfectly behaved. They went to bed right after their vegan tacos." Kurt's innocent remark was drowned out by the sound of giggling coming from down the hall. "Okay, yeah, they've been really bad."
Rachel just gave him a look, and shook her head. "Okay, settle down in there, or I'm sending your dad in!" She called out in a threatening manner.
"Oooh, we're really scared!" ten year old Barbra taunted, and the two continued to laugh.
"And then I'm coming in!" Rachel said. The two children suddenly went silent.
"I'll just go make sure they're still breathing and haven't wet the bed," Finn said, smirking at his wife.
Kurt grinned, and started cleaning the dishes from the table. "So, I really feel bad about something," he said as Rachel followed him into the kitchen.
"Really? That's new," Rachel said sarcastically. "What is it this time?"
"Well, you know I'm taking over Tina's plant service while she's off with that dancer on their honeymoon."
"Uh huh?" Rachel said, helping him wash the plates.
"Well, I met that guy, Blaine Anderson, from the band you used to like, The Warblers?"
"Oh my god!" Rachel exclaimed.
"Yeah, well, he invited me to this performance tonight and I..."
He didn't get to finish as Rachel squealed in his ear and began racing towards her bedroom, screaming at Finn. "I'm going out!"
Kurt just watched her go, mouth gaping, before sighing and turning back to finish the dishes. "That wasn't the end of the story..." He muttered.
…
Blaine smiled seductively out at the sea of middle aged women crowding around the stage as the music swelled for his last song.
I saw you across the dance floor
Out of the corner of my eye
I felt the connection
I don't know how, I don't know why
I shouldn't of stayed
When I saw you there with another man
But as we slipped away
I thought I heard you say
This wasn't part of the plan
Though he never showed it, Blaine always felt uncomfortable when women crowded around him like this, especially knowing these woman were actually older than him. And to make matters worse, they were pushing and shoving each other to get closer, reaching out to try and touch him. One woman, a petite brunette with a distinctive nose almost knocked several women over to get to the stage, and managed to grab him by the calf and tried to pull him closer.
From off stage, he could see Cooper make a gesture, to ask if he needed help, but he just shook him off and kept singing, and most of the women in attendance sang along with the chorus.
Just a meaningless kiss
It wasn't suppose to end up like this,
Just a meaningless kiss
Ohh Ohh
Just a meaningless kiss
We knew it was wrong
But we couldn't resist
Just a meaningless kiss
Til I fell in love
With you
He managed to extricate himself from the clinging woman by the time the song ended, and made his escape. Unfortunately he had to walk through the crowd to reach the exit, and several more women accosted him. Cooper managed to pull him free, telling the crowd about other upcoming concerts as he lead Blaine away, but the curly haired singer drew up short when he spotted Kurt walking towards him.
"You made it!" He said smiling at the taller man.
"Yes, well, I just wanted to say thank you for your generous offer..." He was cut off by an elbow to the ribs by the woman standing beside him. Blaine recognized her as the woman who had attempted to pull him off the stage. Kurt glared at her before continuing. "This is my sister in law, Rachel. Anyway, as much as I'd love to work with you..."
He was cut off again by Cooper. "Work?"
Blaine cleared his throat. "Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that while Satan the hormonal demon, thank you for that, by the way, was at my apartment today, Kurt stopped by to finish watering my plants and spouted some really good lyrics."
"Well, that's wonderful!" Cooper said, as Rachel inched closer to Blaine. "We could really use a talented lyricist!"
"Excuse me, could you just sign this for me?" Rachel asked, handing Blaine a CD. "Make it out to Rachel, please."
Blaine smiled politely at her and signed the CD as Kurt spoke up again. "Oh, well, I'm not a lyricist. I mean, why don't you just write the lyrics yourself?"
Cooper chuckled. "That's not really Blaine's gift."
Looking sheepish, the performer admitted. "I once rhymed 'you and me' with 'autopsy.'"
Kurt looked thoughtful. "That's not too bad. I mean, 'figuring out, you and me is like doing a love autopsy?'"
"There! See what I mean? You're a natural! What comes next?" Blaine asked excitedly, as Rachel kept trying to take a selfie with him.
"I don't know," Kurt said, looking on the verge of panic. "'They could operate all day long and never figure out what went wrong?'"
Cooper was looking ecstatic. "That's amazing! Please, say you'll work with Blaine?"
"I can't, I'm sorry, I have to go. We have to go!" He grabbed Rachel by the arm and dragged her away. She protested and kept taking pictures of Blaine as he rushed them out of the building.
Blaine frowned as he watched the auburn haired man flee in what seemed like fear. He wondered what caused the man to be so terrified of writing a few simple lyrics?