A/N: Well, here we are again! That was a much shorter hiatus than I planned on, but I was working on this chapter for like 2 weeks trying to find something really dramatic and finally this evening when I was driving home from class, it hit me. I am ever thankful and have so much gratitude for those of you who continue to read and review on my humble fanfiction and I accept your praise and criticism with the utmost respect. You readers make all my efforts worthwhile. Please, please keep reading and commenting because it only helps me develop as a writer and if you have any friends who are Harley/Joker or even Batman fans, recommend my fic. I am spamming tumblr and twitter with my updates. Enjoy the new part of Mad Love, entitled Light this Fuse. Love, Kelztastic.
Mad Love Series, Part V: Light This Fuse
And then I saw you
And suddenly everything became so clear
You can't be everything I need, I know that
But deep down I always knew
That you were going to be the one
The one that brought out the me I wanted to be
I was living in a dream before
Believing I could change my destiny
You are the man I never saw
But in a half-crazed fantasy
Perhaps I was blinded by what could have been
And didn't see what was in front of me
You are my world now, the only friend
The only family, the only lover I know
We steal the night, we bring down justice
We break all the rules and burn the city down
Their screams are our music
The shots drumbeats in our ears
Some will say I have no heart
Some will say I'm insane to stand by you
But they will be silenced by my gun
We will drink to our infamy
And light the fuse on anarchy
This is the world we will create
The streets will be filled with flames
Oh this union may be deranged
People will say where did the girl go wrong?
Fuck them.
But this is what I've become
No longer afraid of my sins
Only now a joker and his harlequin
Chapter 1: Light this Fuse
Where have all the riots gone
As the city's motto gets pulverized?
What's in love is now in debt
On your birth certificate
So strike the fucking match to light this fuse
"Letterbomb", Green Day
"Mayhem last night in Gotham: continuing their string of terror and violence, the Joker and his presumed girlfriend and partner in crime, Harley Quinn, broke into the Central Park Zoo around 2:30 AM and released some of the world's most dangerous animals. At this point, they have located almost every animal from the zoo with the exception of two male hyena cubs. Please call the number located at the bottom of your screen if you have any information on…"
The Joker turned off the TV and glared daggers at me, "I told you they would notice."
I grinned sheepishly as one of the aforementioned 9-week-old hyenas laid his head in my lap and the other dozed peacefully on the rug beneath our feet, "They're just so damn cute! And I've already named them. We're bonded now."
"Ah, so after 4 hours of tiring deliberation, we've reached a verdict on the naming of the beasts."
I covered the ears of the one in my lap, "They are not beasts. Be nice to Bud and Lou."
"…Bud and Lou? That sounds like 2 aging alcoholics who sit at the bar night after night regaling tales of their fraternity days."
"That's an extremely elaborate simile and I applaud you for that but there's meaning to them, thanks." I stuck my tongue out at him in a very mature fashion, "Lou-" I pointed to the one on the floor "-was my grandfather's name and Bud-" I gestured to the one on my lap, whose ears twitched as I scratched them "-was what my dad used to call Maggie. You know, until you caused all of them to die in increasingly brutal ways."
"You will hold that over me, forever, won't you?" he said, face dead-pan.
"You bet your ass I will." I smiled sweetly, "Now I have a question…um…what do I feed them?"
He scowled, "Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you STOLE THEM!"
"Do you think they eat hamburger meat?" I mused aloud, ignoring his comment.
"I think they'll eat you." He said.
"Oh the lies you tell." I ruffled Bud's ears, and his tail wagged happily, "They're my babies."
"I find it disturbing that you think of your wild beasts as children."
"Well, it's the closest I'll ever have to being a mom, so I might as well take it." I shrugged.
"What do you mean by that?"
"What do you mean, what do I mean?" I raised my eyebrow quizzically.
"No children…none at all?"
"Um, no…" I said awkwardly, "Does that bother you or something?"
"Well, yes, it does actually." He frowned as Lou, who he had accidentally bumped with his foot, growled at him, "Do you think I'm not a suitable father figure?"
"Are you seriously fucking with me right now? Every single fiber of my womanly being tells me that you are biologically and psychologically not father material. I can't even believe you even considered that that would happen between us considering the life we lead. That would be the most fucked-up child ever put on earth."
"I don't know how you can expect me to not be offended by that."
"How are you offended by biological and psychological facts?"
"You emphasize your background in psychology entirely too much." He put on a simpering face and said in a high-pitched, mocking voice, "My name is Harley and because I have a bullshit doctor title, I think I know everything!"
"Hey now, I earned that doctorate!" I snapped, standing up, and Bud yelped as he jumped to the ground. I cried, "Oh pookie, I'm sorry!" I scooped him up and hugged him close to me, "No more yelling. You're scaring the babies."
"How about you stop yelling?" he exclaimed, "You're completely missing the point that I am angry at the fact that you don't want to have children with me!"
"I don't know why you're pissed off about it! It's not like you planned on having kids with me!"
He fell disturbingly silent at that.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" my jaw dropped as far as it would allow me to, "Seriously? What indication have I ever given you that I want to have children? Um…let me think…how about NONE."
"So you'd rather keep hyenas and treat them like children than have a human baby with me?"
"Well, obviously!" I held up Bud, who stared at the Joker skeptically, "Look at his eyes, so brown and liquid-y. How can you be mad at this face?"
"I'm not mad at the hyenas. I'm mad at you for taking the hyenas without asking me."
"Well, I'm taking care of them, not you. You haven't offered to help." I said curtly.
"For Chrissakes, Harley, you are driving me crazy! Will you actually address what I am asking you to address?"
"I told you a long time ago. I don't want children. I've never wanted children. Babies just freak me out. They have soft heads and require way too much care. And even if I wanted them, it wouldn't be with you. You are an unfit wannabe father. You are a criminal who wears make-up and yells at me at the slightest provocation. I am a criminal who follows you around and dresses in latex. I can't exactly see us moving to the suburbs and having a golden retriever with a white picket fence and leather couches and a Dodge Grand Caravan parked in the garage! It makes no sense. I'd rather it would be just us and we can live our lives out the way we want, and then retire to like Hawaii and not give a shit, ok? Can't you just honor my request?" I sighed, sitting on the couch, legs curled up under me.
"I don't know what to think." He said quietly, "I know you've brought up the fact that you didn't want children before, but I guess I wasn't listening because I thought it would pass."
"It's been like 3 years. I haven't changed my mind and I'm not going to. Just let it go."
"I might have to, I guess." He sighed so deeply and so sadly that I put Bud down next to Lou. They very sweetly curled up together and started dozing off again. I then put my arms around Mr. J, and squeezed him tightly. He relaxed a little, and put his arms around me; I knew then that he wasn't too mad at me.
I kissed his cheek, "Come on, wouldn't you rather have me forever? I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't know if I believe that."
"Look, I know I was so flighty in the past, but Bruce and I are kaput. I'm never going back. I chose you, and we'll leave it at that. I'm just happy being here and vandalizing and terrorizing the greater Gotham area." I grinned, "It's pretty fun."
He chuckled, "Yes, yes it is, and I have to admit that I am content with our situation…finally. We can put this aside for another time. It's really not that important right now."
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and the Joker jumped a little. I looked at it, "Pam."
"That's my cue to go eat breakfast." He said, standing up. He kissed me on the top of my head and exited.
I picked up the phone and Pam exclaimed into it, "Harley, I have big news!"
"You're already married so that rules that out. Are you guys getting a cat or something?" I teased.
"Come on, you know Mr. Winkles would freak if we got another cat." Pam said dismissively, "He loves Lina entirely too much. I digress…Lina and I decided to have a baby!"
"Whoa, you mean like…" my voice trailed off. I couldn't even finish my thought I was so speechless.
"Like a baby." She said.
"Why in the world are you two planning to have a baby? You're fucking super-villains!" I was tweaking out only a little a lot right now.
"Debbie Downer much," Pam snorted derisively, "I thought you were my best friend…"
"Don't pull that crap on me." I snapped, "You always try to guilt me into apologizing and you know it doesn't work."
"I'll make you godmother." She thought that was enticing somehow.
"That literally solves nothing that I'm referring to," I was exasperated, "You're being rather cavalier about all of this. Haven't you guys only been married for less than a year? Don't you want to be alone for a while? Take vacations, buy furniture, I don't know…stuff married people do…just not having a baby. Good God."
"You hate babies; that's why you're mad."
"I just had this conversation with him, too. Does everyone think my uterus is a ticking time bomb or something?"
"Stop being dramatic, Harley; you're negative attention-seeking."
"I happen to know what that is! I don't have a PhD for nothing!"
"Well neither do I! DUR!" Pam shouted into the phone, "You always conveniently forget about that!"
I made some frustrated noise, and fell silent for a moment.
"Are you there, Harley?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm here." I acknowledged, "I just have a question."
"Ok, I'll answer whatever questions you may have." Pam said as patiently as she could muster.
"Why do you guys want to have a baby so fast? I mean, you guys have done everything so quickly in this relationship. You got married after 2 months, for God's sake! You don't know a person after only 2 months!"
"Oh, so now we're getting somewhere. Let it all out, hon, let it all out." Pam encouraged, "I want to hear this."
"I mean, did you really fall in love after 2 months? I couldn't even I admit that I loved him after like 3 years!" I said exasperatedly.
"TRUTH!" yelled the Joker from the kitchen.
"Look, with Lina and me, we just knew, ok? It's not like we were in any rush to get married, we just wanted to. Is that so hard to accept, oh cynical best friend of mine?"
"Yes, that is hard to accept, thank you very much. You don't even tell me that you guys were dating! I mean, how long were you guys even exclusive, like a minute?"
"We were exclusive for a month and a half, if you have to know. The first couple weeks were a trial period. You have to know that we are really happy being married, if you even give a shit." Pam said indignantly.
"Now who's being dramatic?" I retorted.
"Look, Harley, I…"
"Pam, all I am saying is that I just can't see any reason for someone to rush into a marriage other than – HOLY SHIT SELINA IS PREGNANT, ISN'T SHE?" I was basically knocked in the face by the light-bulb of realization.
"No, no…" Pam said all too unconvincingly.
"Oh my god, that's totally it! Selina is pregnant! You're not even thinking about having a baby. You're already having one!" I glanced up as the Joker peered out of the kitchen, spoon of cereal still in his mouth, 'Go away' I mouthed.
"I'm not missing this for anything!" he said, grabbing his bowl of cereal and sitting down next to me, leaning in to hear Pam's endless excuses.
"Well, Selina just wanted to make sure the child had parents and we loved each other anyway so we just decided to get married and…"
I cut her off, "Who's the father?"
"Oh come on, Harley…"
"Well, I think we can rule out you unless you've managed to grow a penis in the last 5 months. Who is the father?" I repeated.
"You don't want to know." Pam said uncomfortably.
"Do you even know me at all? I watch E! News 24/7 and am addicted to reality television. This is as about as good as it gets for me right now. Can I guess? Was it some random drunk hippie?" I was literally hiccupping this was so utterly exciting.
"Where in God's name does your mind go? No, it was not a drunk hippie."
"Was it…the mayor? Some local celebrity? Was it that really weird but strangely attractive guy who does the sports segment on Channel 9? Was it someone embarrassing? TELL ME PLEASE. I'm dying over here!" I may have been bouncing on the balls of my feet at this point while the Joker and my hyenas were staring at me like I was out of my damn mind.
"I told you already. You are not going to like it."
I stopped dead, "No, you're fucking with me."
"I'm afraid I'm not."
"It can't be his. There's no way."
"Yes, there is. You guys were broken up when it happened. I'm really sorry, Harley."
"There is literally nothing you can say to me right now to make it better. I'll call you later." I said curtly and promptly hung up.
The Joker stared at me quizzically, "What's going on, babe?"
I balled up my fists, knuckles turning white from the pressure, "Selina is having Bruce's baby."