Written for comment_fic on livejournal

Prompt was for H/W watching soaps together

"They're totally doing it."

"House, you see homoerotic undertones everywhere."

"Because there are homoerotic undertones everywhere. Otherwise, I wouldn't be seeing them."

"Your logic suffers from being a little circular."

"The fact that I made a tautological argument for a true statement doesn't change the fact that the statement is true."

"HA! Drink!" Wilson grinned in triumph.

"Why does he have to drink?" Cameron asked, standing in the doorway, momentarily forgetting the stack of files in her arms.

"He mentioned tautologies."

"Right," said House before dutifully downing a swig of Scotch. "I drink for "tautology," "triglycerides," and "bosoms." Not breasts or tits or anything, it actually has to be the word bosoms."

"I don't like that word for some reason," confirmed Wilson. "It bothers me."

House continued, "And Wilson has to drink if he mentions "compassion," "maturity," or "human decency.""

Cameron wrinkled her forehead. "It sounds like Wilson has a lot more opportunities to drink."

"You'd be surprised," Wilson said casually.

"And of course we both down a shot if someone on my stories gets amnesia," House elaborated.

"Two shots if there's a long crane shot of the amnesiac screaming from his hospital bed," Wilson recalled.

"And three shots if said amnesiac has sex with someone who is normally his or her mortal enemy."

"That's a very sensitive game for _doctors_ to be playing," Cameron said, mostly to Wilson, since House was a bit drunk. And also since he was House.

But House mocked her anyway. "Unlike all those socially responsible drinking games."

She answered, "Grown-ups don't play drinking games."

"Oh really?" House said, with a lethal smirk. "So you've never ever written down rules like 'One drink if he says 'Interesting.' Two if he sexually harasses a woman. Four if he sexually harasses a man. Eight if threatens to hit someone with his cane if they suggest 'lupus' again."

Cameron blushed. "It was all in good fun. It was just a joke. And we no longer work for you, so it's not unprofessional. And you know what? It doesn't reflect our care - I mean not our care- our respect -"

"It's okay Cameron," House said, "I'm totally flattered that you guys went to the trouble. But we're busy with my program right now, so maybe you can handle those write-ups. If you don't mind."

Cameron sighed and walked back out into the hallway.

"You found their 'House drinking game' and you spill it for some paperwork?" Wilson asked. "Why not save it for something big?"

House smiled. "I didn't give up everything. They also have a 'House' version of 'I Never'."

"Oh!" said Wilson, looking excitedly at the screen. "Jessica's telling Preston that he's not the father!"

"Four drinks," House said, getting ready to pour, "Unless of course Cameron got to you, and you think this is too immature for you."

"Nah," Wilson said, distracted by the onscreen drama, "Maturity is overrated."

"Aaaand an extra one for you."

"Dammit, House!"