A/N: Well, I▓ve gone through my other favorite fandoms and wrote a SUEvivor for them, so I figured hey, Eragon rocks, lets parody it▓s Sues! There aren▓t enough Eragon Sue parodies out there, you know? So anyway, please review!
CHALLENGE 1: SUE SITUATIONS
//dramatic music starts. Pictures of the Sues start coming on the screen//
Akia, NewRider!Sue Zadia Greentree, Elf!Sue Juliya Garjzla, Princess!Sue Melody Deathshade, Varden!Sue Jade S., Author!Sue Adrielle, Ayra▓sSister!Sue Raine, Galbatorix▓sSlaveGirl!Sue Danni California, I-Fell-Into-Alagesia!Sue Sabrina Baen, Wanderer!Sue Ebony, Galbatorix▓sDaughter!Sue
Ten Eragon Sues stood in front of a big castle, waiting for the host to show up.
Akia stood in front of the rest, flipping her long, bleach blond hair and adjusting her armor (she was a NewRider!Sue after all). It was perfect for a Sue because it left her stomach, arms, and legs bear.
Zadia was combing her ebony hair and Adrielle was giving her death glares. She was supposed to be the elf Sue around here!
Sabrina and Raine, who were both very angst-y, were passing the time by seeing who could cry the longest.
Finally, Juliya pointed to the hill the castle was sitting on. ⌠It appears our host has arrived,■ she said regally.
Raine and Sabrina stopped crying long enough to look up and see Jade H. coming towards them. Danni only briefly looked up from her little mirror and then went back to putting on mascara.
⌠Welcome to the third season of SUEvivor!■ Jade H. cried when she reached them.
⌠As you know, your all here to compete for title of Ultimate Eragon Mary Sue! Whoever wins will go down in history as the most Sueish Sue to ever spring up from hell and sink her talons into the earth! Now, lets go see where you▓ll be staying these next nine weeks!■ Jade H. turned and led them to their castle.
Once there, Jade H. stepped back and opened the doors to reveal a very well furnished castle.
There were ten thrones sitting there with the name of each Sue on them. Not only that, put there was a fuzzy pink carpet on the floor, bean bags, a sparkling chandelier, and an awesome stereo.
Jade S. squealed and threw herself onto the first purple bean bag she came to. ⌠This is way better then last season▓s place! We all had to sleep in a ship!■
⌠That▓s right, Jade S. You▓ve been on the past two seasons of SUEvivor. Do you think you▓ll win this one?■ Jade H. asked her.
⌠Probably not. I▓m just here because Author inserts are such a problem in every fandom. And also cause it▓s fun to be a Sue,■ Jade S. explained.
⌠OK. Danni, this is your first time on SUEvivor. Do you feel good about your chances of winning?■ Jade H. asked Danni, who was still putting on mascara.
Danni looked around the room. ⌠Like, yeah!■ She said, sounding annoyed.
⌠Uh huh. Melody, you▓re a Varden!Sue. This place must be much better then your used to living, since you have to travel and fight all the time,■ Jade H. said to her. Melody gave her a cold look.
⌠I hate pink. And I would much rather be fighting Urgals then getting fat sitting around here all day!■ She snarled.
⌠Oh, you won▓t get fat. Everyone knows Mary Sues can gain no wait,■ said Akia, most unhelpfully.
⌠Right, well, I▓ll leave you ladies to get settled it, but I▓ll be back tonight for your challenge,■ said their host as she left the castle.
⌠I don▓t care if it▓s pink, I like it!■ Sabrina said, sitting on her throne. ⌠It▓s so much nicer to have a home then to be wandering constantly┘never knowing what▓s going to happen to you┘■ she trailed off, tears forming in her huge dark blue eyes. She also had long brown hair which she kept in a lose braid. She carried her bow and arrows with her at all times, even now that she was in Castle Sue. She wore a long grey cloak over her brown clothes and boots.
⌠Well, this isn▓t much different then my castle. Way more pink and fluffy, but still┘.I have a castle,■ Zadia said, making rose petals fall from the ceiling, such was the power of an Elf!Sue.
⌠Yeah, well my father▓s castle is MUCH better then this dump! At least we had slaves there!■ Ebony said. She had long (you guessed it) ebony hair and was wearing a red strapless dress with black fishnet over the skirt.
Raine gave her a dirty look, but was too nice to say anything.
⌠Hey, Danni? Can I barrow your lip stick?■ Adrielle asked, not that she REALLY needed it. She just wanted to look more stunning.
Danni gave her a contemptuous look and went back to putting on mascara (no, she wasn▓t even near finished).
Raine came running back into the main room. ⌠Guys! Guys! You should come see the bed room!!■ she cried.
She lead the Sues, who were dragging their suitcases, to the Sue▓s new bed room.
They all gasped at the same time.
The room before them was HUGE. There were ten giant canopy beds lining the room. Beside each of them was a night stand and opposite the beds were big wardrobes for their clothes.
⌠I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!■ Jade S. screamed, jumping back words onto her bed.
XOXOXOXOXO
A few hours later, Jade H. came up to bring them to their first challenge.
She led them to an empty little village and into a small house.
Inside, three guys were sitting there waiting for them.
⌠Ladies, these are your judges. Eragon, Murtagh, and Roran,■ Jade H. announced. ⌠Crap, Jade S. just fainted┘Someone throw some water on her, will you?!■
A few minutes later Jade S. was all better (all though her head was dripping wet) and she was now sitting across from Murtagh, staring at him.
⌠Anyway Sues, your challenge for today is one where you▓ll be given a Mary Sue situation and you will be judged on how Sueishly you respond. Akia, you go first,■ Jade H. told her.
Akia stepped up in front of the judges, winking at Eragon who screamed and jumped under a table.
⌠Ahem, Akia,■ Roran said, looking through his notes. ⌠You▓re a NewRider!Sue. You have just defeated Galbatorix and the green dragon has hatched for you. What do you do now?■
Akia blew a kiss to Eragon and said, ⌠well, I would be crowned queen of Alagesia, of course! And my beloved Eragon would rule right beside me!■
The judges nodded and made a mark on their papers. ⌠OK, creepy-I mean, Sueish enough. Zadia? Since you are the Elf!Sue, what would a day in your life be like?■
Zadia straightened the elaborate green leaf broach holding her cape in place and said, ⌠a day in my life is quite simple, really. I get up at dawn, rule over all the elves, teach birds to sing, let the commoners worship at my feet, and turn down Eragon in his attempts to date me. Then at night I put the stars in the sky and go to bed.■
The judges looked at each other. Eragon was looking thoroughly terrified now. ⌠Right┘.anyway, Juliya, your next. Oh, no! You▓re about to be forced into an arranged marriage! Whatever shall you do?■ Roran read the question dramatically.
⌠Well, I would let my evil father lock me up in a tower and await my beloved (she mouthed ⌠you■ at Eragon) to storm the castle and save me so we could ride away into the sunset,■ Juliya answered without hesitation.
The guys gagged, but made a note about it anyway. ⌠Alright, Melody. Since you▓re the new leader of the Varden for no reason at all, Galbatorix really wants you dead. He captures you and locks you away in his castle. What do you do?■
Melody snorted at the easiness of that situation. She tossed her long, dark hair smugly. ⌠I would simply kill him with my super Sue powers, then take the next egg and restore peace throughout Alagesia!■
⌠OK,■ said Murtagh. ⌠Jade S.: Being the author insert you are, it▓s your duty to exaggerate every tiny aspect of your author. How do you do this without your author seeming to self absorbed?■
⌠I guess I would just add that I have a huge flaw, like I▓m too gorgeous, or something. Also, I would say that everyone hates me because I▓m beautiful. Another problem: You love me too much!■ Jade S. finished, doing the ▓call me▓ sign at Murtagh, who shuddered and joined Eragon under the table.
⌠Uhhh, OK┘ Adrielle, how can you be any different from your sister, Arya?■ Roran asked.
Adrielle glared at him. ⌠I am nothing like my stupid sister! Mom actually likes me and I let Eragon do me within the first couple of chapters!■
⌠Right┘. Raine, your Galbatorix▓s slave. Then Eragon and Murtagh come and free you and you fall for both of them! The shock! How do you decided which one to sleep with?■ Roran asked.
⌠That▓s easy! It all depends on which one my author likes! In the end I▓ll get rid of the other boy by having him sacrifice himself for me!■ Raine said, adjusting her dirty white bikini. Hey, she was a slave! It▓s not like Glaby would let her wear CLOTHES!
⌠Kay, Danni?■ Murtagh asked.
Danni looked up in annoyance again. ⌠Yeah?■
⌠How did you get to Alagesia?■ He asked the rude little Earth girl.
Danni rolled her eyes. ⌠Duh.■
⌠┘.What?■
⌠The book like, transported me there and stuff!■
⌠How?■
⌠Duh.■
⌠WHAT?!■
⌠Magic book!■
⌠Whatever. Sabrina, you▓re a Wanderer!Sue, therefore Murtagh and I don▓t really trust you. How do you prove your loyalties to us?■ Eragon asked.
⌠Oh, I▓d do something subtle, like┘sacrificing my life for one of you?■ Sabrina said.
⌠That▓s subtle?■ Eragon cried.
Sabrina gave him a pitying look. ⌠You clearly don▓t know Mary Sues. NOTHING about us is subtle!■
⌠OK, then, Ebony. You▓re Galbatorix▓s daughter. Somehow you have managed to sneak into the Varden without detection. How do you keep getting information?■ Roran asked.
⌠It▓s a simple matter of sleeping with everything that moves. I seduce men into telling what I need to know,■ Ebony said as if everyone did that.
⌠Great┘OK, we▓ve determined this weeks winner!■ Eragon announced. ⌠The person who gave the most Sueish answer tonight wins immunity! The winner is┘.■
TWENTY MINUTES LATER.
⌠┘.Adrielle!■
Adrielle looked surprised. ⌠This is wonderful!■ she cried.
⌠Yep, and since we▓re here, lets just do the voting ceremony now!■ Jade H. said, taking a helmet out from behind her back. ⌠Adrielle, since you won, you▓ll come up first and write the name of someone you want voted out on a piece of paper, then put it in the helmet.■
Of course, Adrielle voted for Zadia.
After all the Sues were done, Jade H. picked up the hat.
⌠First vote, Zadia. Next vote, Raine. Ebony. Danni. Juliya. Melody. Danni. Melody. Melody. And the first person voted out of SUEvivor: Alagesia is┘.■
YEP, TWENTY MINUTES LATER.
⌠┘.Melody.■
⌠WHAT?!■
⌠Sorry, you just weren▓t cool enough,■ said Akia apologetically.
⌠Well,■ Jade H. said after Melody stormed off. ⌠I▓ll see you ladies next week for your second challenge.■
END OF CHALLENGE 1.
NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: Alliances are made and the Sues have a pretty fun challenge.
A/N: If you▓ve seen Saturday Night Live▓s ▒Tow A-holes▓ thing, then Danni talks like that annoying girl. Please review:D