HellfireSupremacy: Something new for fans of Matthew's antics in my last humor fic. Enjoy!

Hector: I love it.

Eliwood: Eat shit and die Hellfire! I'm completely OOC, and you made me look like a total ass!

HellFireSupremacy: Quit your bitching and read the disclaimer.

Eliwood: Fine. HellfireSupremacy does not own Fire Emblem. If he did, I would follow the ancestral teachings of my true creators and commit Seppuku.

Hector: It wouldn't be that bad. If you owned Fire Emblem I could get a BJ from Lyn any time I want, right?

HellfireSupremacy: For you Hector, yes. You're just cool like that.

Eliwood: What about me? What do I get?

HellfireSupremacy: You don't get shit. You can go watch interspecies erotica and jack-off, because you suck and you bone ice dragons and no one likes you.

Eliwood: Aw man. You guys suck.

Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector

"Lord Eliwood! How are you fairing on this fine day."

"Fine Marcus," said the Pheraen lord. It was a halfhearted response. He really didn't feel like being bothered by his retainer. Still, he tried his best to be polite. He always tried his best to be polite.

"I trust you're getting used to the rigors of the battlefield milord. Don't forget, the knights of Pherae are here to serve. You need not overexert yourself; if there is a task you would have us perform simply give the order. I await your command."

"Yeah, I'll get back to you on that," Eliwood yawned. "I'm just heading over to Hector's place for a bit. I'll let you know if I need anything."

"Milord, are you sure there is nothing you need at the moment. A personal escort to your destination? A fresh coat of polish for your rapier?"

"Thank you for your concern Marcus, but I assure you I'm fine. Carry on with your normal duties. Oh, and never ask if you can "polish my rapier" again. Only Isadora is allowed to do that."

"Yes milord!" replied the orange paladin. Marcus rode off and spent the rest of the day performing his "normal duties." In other words, he spent the rest of the day abusing Lowen.

Eliwood walked over to Hector's tent. The fact that Hector had his own private tent proved that he was a Lycian noble, even if the man himself currently looked like a common peasant. In between battles, Hector ditched his ornate armor and preferred to lounge around in shorts and a wife-beater. Not exactly garb befitting of his rank, but Hector was never one to be picky about appearances. He went with whatever worked.

Eliwood entered the roomy tent. Hector knew his friend too well and sensed that he was upset. "Rough day?" he asked.

"Nah, Marcus is just pissing me off. He follows me everywhere I go. And he's always so uptight, like he's got a stick up his ass or something. Just once I'd like to tell him off."

"Do it then," said Hector. "It's easy. Whenever Oswin tries to follow me around, I tell him to go fuck himself. Then I walk away."

"Come on Hector, you know I can't do that," said Eliwood. "I'm the heir to House Pherae. I have to act all nice and polite and shit."

"See, that's what I don't get about you Eliwood. With me, you're a total badass, but everyone else has to think you're all sweet and perfect. What's up with that?"

Eliwood shrugged. "I don't know man, it's just something I gotta do."

"You know what your problem is?" said Hector. "You care too much about what other people think. I don't play that game. With me what you see is what you get. I smoke, I drink, I swear, I belch, I scratch my balls, and I don't care who knows it. You do the same crazy shit, but you think you have to hide it from everybody. Heaven forbid the peasants find out that nobles enjoy a good beer and an Ilian backrub."

"Acting innocent and pure isn't all bad," Eliwood grinned. "It keeps the ladies interested. You know that pegasus knight who joined our group back on Valor. Florina's older, hotter sister?"

"Fiora? What about her?"

"Well," said Eliwood. She flew over to me the other day, and we started talking about social justice, and how everyone should be treated the same regardless of nationality, gender, or financial status."

"Hah, that's a good one!" Hector laughed. "You actually believe any of that shit?"

"Hell no, but it got me to second base!" Eliwood cheered.

"Nice." Hector High-fived his buddy. "Of course, I could have done better. I have a much more practical way of impressing the ladies."

"Oh really," taunted Eliwood. "And what would that be?"

"I'm massively well-endowed," said Hector

"…come again?"

"You heard me. I have an enormous dinger. Thirty strength, fifteen constitution, and half of it is in my pants. The ladies love it."

"Yeah, somehow I just don't see something like that impressing Fiora," said Eliwood.

"That's funny, cause both her sisters loved it!"

"…bullshit."

"That's right," said Hector "I scored with both of them, Florina and Farina. And Lyn."

"Hah, like THAT'S hard," Eliwood scoffed. "Lyn's a bisexual slut who sleeps around with every man, woman, and he-she in the camp. In the past week she's been with you, Kent, Sain, Rath, Wil, Florina, and me."

"No fucking way," said Hector. "You hooked up with Lyn too?"

"Hector you idiot, you were there! It was a threesome, remember?"

"…Oh yeah. Damn, we were wasted that night."

"Good times," Eliwood chuckled. "Speaking of which, I need you to fill in for me at Mark's retarded intelligence briefing tonight. I'm doing something special with Ninian tonight."

"She finally gonna let you do her from behind?"

"Even better," said Eliwood. "I'm taking her skinny dipping down by the river. We're going to dry each other off with our tongues, then she's going to teach me how to do it dragon-style."

"…What the fuck is dragon-style?"

"No idea," said Eliwood. "But it sounds fucking awesome."

"Alright man, you got it," said Hector. "I'll tell Mark you couldn't make it to his meeting, but you better give me details! If this dragon-style shit is any good, I wanna try it with Lyn."

"You and me both brother. You and me both."

Originally this was supposed to be part of chapter 3 in "Matthew Corrupts your Favorite Activities." I planned on having Matthew walk in on Eliwood and Hector during one of these conversations and doing his routine. Once I actually started writing, I realized just how far I could go with this and had to give it its own FanFic. R&R, tell me what you think.