Thoughts of a Torchwood Member
General Torchwood Fanfic
POV: Ianto Jones
When you're in a relationship with Captain Jack Harkness, you never really know what you are to him.
Jack doesn't have an easy time showing his emotions, which I guess is maybe why it works out so well between us. I'm not really comfortable showing how I feel about him. But maybe that's because he's never really said how he feels about me.
But he shows it. He'll look into my eyes, when we're in bed together, when we're kissing, when we're talking, and I can see it. I can see there's so much more than he says out loud.
But I still wonder...
I see him looking at Gwen. I'm not blind, I know she's attractive. And I wonder if she hadn't been taken when Jack met her, if she'd be where I am now. Because I have a fairly good guess she would have tried if she didn't have a relationship.
When he ran away to the Doctor... I honestly thought he'd never be back. He left without a thought. From the few times he talked about the Doctor, I could tell he really admired him. Loved him, even. And I missed him more than I thought I would.... more than I thought I should. It hadn't even been a year since Lisa had died, and already, I was with a man. It didn't make sense. But that's the magic of Captain Jack Harkness.
Because nothing feels wrong when you're with Jack.
I was lost before I met him. I can't remember the last time a person made me feel that good. He's flirtatious, cheery, handsome, and indisputably in charge, but there's so much more to him, so much that people seldom see. He's loving, secretive, dark, insecure, and conflicted. Everyone sees him in the larger-than-life captain persona, but he has so many secrets, so many things that eat away at him day by day. I know they're there, even if he won't tell me about them.
He might be immortal, but he's just as human as any of the rest of us.
I can't believe where I am now. When I joined Torchwood for the first time, back in London, I never thought I would be out on the field, chasing aliens. I never thought I'd get in on that much of the action. I never thought my life could change so completely. I never thought I would fall in love with someone like Jack.
I never knew there was something so huge missing in my life until I found it.
I don't really like talking about myself – don't like talking that much at all, to be perfectly honest. But my childhood – was I wrong to alienate myself so completely from my family? Somehow I don't think so. Rhiannon was really the only one I ever got along with even slightly. Dad was always disappointed in me, made it quite clear I didn't live up to his expectations. And Mam... Mam. Well, she mostly just went along with Dad.
Meeting Lisa changed my life. It was the first time I really knew I was in love, and it was wonderful. Beyond anything I'd ever imagined. We were happy. I really thought I was going to marry her someday. But then came the battle at Canary Wharf. Then came the Cybermen. And I lost Lisa.
Dragging her out of the wreckage was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I was a mess, sobbing all over the place, trying to block out her screams, trying to ignore the fact that I could feel her blood on my hands, soaking my clothes. But she was alive. That was all that mattered. But I was lying to myself. I was too blind to see the truth: it wasn't Lisa. It was a Cyberman. Not even human. A monster.
But love sees only what it wants.
Caring for her. I didn't feel guilty that I was lying to the Torchwood team. I barely knew them, and they knew nothing of me. My only loyalty was to Lisa, to save her. For love.
I gave up everything to helping her. It was my life. It was what kept me going, what gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning, to drag myself into the shower and to work.
And then I lost her.
I hated Jack. It seems strange to me now that I ever could have hated him, but I hated him with every fiber of my being. Because before, every fiber of my being had gone into loving Lisa, and now that she was taken away from me, I needed something to fill it. I needed someone to blame. And the blame fell on Jack. At first it was so easy to hate him. He was so angry at me. So unbelievably pissed off. And then, something happened that made it so hard to hate him.
He forgave me.
And he helped me understand. Because after I saw that I couldn't blame him, I blamed myself. He helped me through so much. He helped me understand that Lisa's death wasn't my fault. He explained why he'd been so angry, and apologized, because although explainable, it still wasn't rational. He helped me believe I was a good person again. He showed me there was so much left to live for. And then another unfathomable thing happened.
I fell in love with him.
At first I was so conflicted, confused. I lived in a society that frowned upon same-sex relationships. What was I supposed to do? But Jack came through for me again. Without pressuring me at all, he helped me realize there was nothing wrong with any love. You love a person, not a gender. He opened my mind to so many things. He gave meaning to my life again.
But he left. He left Owen, he left Tosh, he left Gwen, he left Torchwood, and he left me. Just when I was thinking I might actually mean something to him, he tore all that away. Jack's impulsive, he does things without really thinking them through. And truly, I do love that. But at the time it hurt like hell, and I hated it.
When he came back, he seemed exactly the same. Which I think made me want to hate him even more. Which was stupid. I'd already fallen long before he left, and the time he was gone didn't change that. But I think the turning point was when I realized he wasn't the same. He'd been scarred beyond belief when he was gone. He was reluctant to tell the story, but what he told me was horrifying. And it explained so much about him.
Jack needs someone. He craves the company of other people, but hates getting too close. But overall, he needs someone who can listen, and who can understand, or at least sympathize. And I try my best.
I know that someday something will happen to me, whether it's the near future or the distant future, and that Jack will live on. But as long as I'm here, it's nice to know that, for the most part, he's mine. And for now, that will have to be enough.
A/N: So, this idea randomly popped into my head yesterday. I wrote Ianto first, because i've been in his head a lot lately with the Janto fanfic. So i just started writing, and yes, i've decided to at least attempt to do this for the entire Torchwood team, which means four more: one for Jack, one for Owen, one for Tosh and one for Gwen. who'll i do next??? probably Jack. NO but i kind of want to save him for last.... i wish i would have saved Ianto a bit longer, they're my 2 favorite characters, i think... oh well, i'm rambling XD hope you enjoy!