It was funny how people remember things. Logan had a great memory, often recalling things to the most minute of details that his friends didn't even recall happening until reminded by their smart friend. However, it was oftentimes the bad things that Logan remembered most clearly, and he hated that.
They were in their freshman year of high school at the time. Logan remembered because when Kendall got called to the principal's office, he had been trying to spell chlorophyll correctly while still keeping up with his teacher's lecture on Photosynthesis. Logan remembered sharing a knowing glance with a grinning James and a laughing Carlos. They knew why Kendall was being sent to the principal's office.
After Sam Hartey insulted James' long hair and pushed Carlos at hockey practice yesterday, Kendall decided to get some revenge and got some unflattering childhood pictures from Sam's older sister, who was also tired of her little brother's bullying ways, and posted them in the boys' bathroom.
Undoubtedly someone must have told Principal Davis about the pictures and she was about to give Kendall his punishment. Right before leaving the classroom Kendall looked back at his best friends, smiled and mouth "Worth it," before leaving the room.
The time period for science ended and Kendall had yet to return to class, but James and Carlos didn't seem to be worried so Logan didn't worry either. At least not on the outside. Inside, at the bit of Logan's stomach and at the bottom of his heart, he knew something was wrong. A part of him wanted to leave class and wander the hallways until he found Kendall, but he knew he couldn't do that. Where was Kendall?
The end of the day came and Logan was confused and nervous. Kendall had been gone for more than half of the day, but he never came back to collect his things. Upon voicing his concern, Logan saw when he looked into James' eyes that he was nervous too. However, Carlos shrugged and said "He'll tell us tomorrow. It's Kendall, he's fine." Logan and James nodded at their friend's optimistic words, but the three of them knew something more was going on here.
"I'll take his stuff with me," James said as he pulled Kendall's coat and backpack out of the classroom closet, where their science teacher had stored it when Kendall didn't come back right away. James lived less than a block down the street from Kendall and was thus the closest to their friend's house, so it was only logical that James bring home his things.
The three remaining friends parted ways and set off for their respective homes. It was days like this that Logan was thankful he walked to school instead of took the bus. The roads had been icy that morning but that was Minnesota for you and school wasn't canceled. The roads were still icy now but Logan didn't have to depend on a bus to take him home, but could rather get home on his own accord.
James and Carlos waved to him as their bus passed by and Logan suddenly wished that he did have to depend on a bus to get to school. Well, one particular bus- the bus with his best friends. Logan had always had trouble making friends, but when he moved to Minnesota from Texas when he was five, his mother signed him up for the pee-wee ice hockey league because "that's what boys here do and you need to make friends." There he met James, Kendall, and Carlos and almost immediately they became his best friends. They understood him better than even he understood himself. He didn't live that far away from them, but if only he lived closer to his friends, then maybe he wouldn't feel so lonely in his own house anymore.
Before he knew it, Logan was home. He sighed, dreading the seconds it would take him to enter in through the front doors to his lonely empty hous—
"Mom, Dad!" Logan was shocked to see his parents both home now. It was a feat to have one of them home this early let alone both.
What could have happened? Logan thought to himself. Maybe one of them lost their job. Maybe we are having money problems and have to move to a smaller house. Maybe we are going to move into the house next to Carlos' house. Maybe I can take the bus with my best friends now. Maybe—his excited musings were cut off when he saw the look on his parents' faces.
"What happened?" Logan asked, dread filling his stomach like a flood. His parents wore matching masks of sadness and confusion, and feigned strength that Logan knew was nonexistent in both of his parents.
"Logan, sweetie," his mother started, and shared a look with his husband before continuing. "Logan, your friend Kendall…" Logan felt as if all of the air had been forcibly pushed out of his lungs. Did something happen to Kendall? Is Kendall okay? Why didn't he come back to class?
Logan's mother started to cry and his father took over. Mr. Mitchell gently asked his pale son "Logan, do you remember your friend Kendall's father? Mr. Knight?"
Logan nodded. Of course he knew Kendall's dad. Sure he wasn't home that often but he has been friends with Kendall for almost ten years now. Oh course he knew who Mr. Knight was. What did this have to do with Kendall's dad, anyway?
"Well, sweetie," his mother started up again. "Mr. Knight was driving to work today and his car slipped on ice and he got into an accident. He…he…he has passed away, Logan."
Logan felt as if all of the muscles in his arms had been taken away, and his leg bones had been replaced with jelly. Mr. Knight was dead? No, no, only old people die. Only people who have lived their lives are supposed to die. Not daddies. Daddies aren't supposed to die.
Before he knew it he was sitting at the kitchen table with his parents. "Logan, are you all right?" his mother asked worriedly. Logan couldn't remember sitting down but he was fine. Well, as fine as he could be now that he knew one of his best friends lost someone so close to him today. Then he knew what he had to do.
Logan got up quickly. "Logan, sweetie, sit down, we should talk about this—" "Mom, I need to use the phone," he said hurriedly, racing over to phone. Before he could pick it up though, it rang.
"Hello?" Logan asked, breathlessly and impatiently. "Logan, it's James, did you hear about Mr. Knight? I can't believe it, this can't be, oh wait, Carlos is calling. Hold on I'll put us all on three-way."
And Logan listened. He listened as two of his best friends whose families were still intact talk about how they couldn't believe Mr. Knight was gone. "We should go to the hospital," Logan heard a quiet voice say, not realizing immediately that that voice was his own. "Yeah, yeah," Carlos said, unsure what else to say. Kendall needed them. Mrs. Knight needed them. Baby Katie, baby, fatherless, Katie needed them.
"Papi!" Carlos called loudly, forgetting that his mouth was still next to the phone and causing James and Logan to flinch at the loud unexpected volume. "Can you drive me, Logan, and James to the hospital? Papi, please, Kendall needs us." Logan heard a voice on the other line but couldn't make out what Mr. Garcia was saying. He soon found out though when Carlos said, "Guys, my dad is driving us to the hospital. We're leaving as soon as I find my shoes and get on my coat so be ready." Then he hung up. James said a quiet "See you soon" before hanging up as well.
Logan stood with the phone in his hand, still in shock from all that was occurring. Then he forced himself out of Logan panic mode and reminded himself that he had work to do. "Mom, Dad, Mr. Garcia is coming to pick me up. He is driving James, Carlos, and me to the hospital. We need to help Kendall."
Logan still had his coat on and went to walk outside when suddenly there was a hand on his shoulders. "Logan, buddy," his father said, trying to be endearing. "Your mother and I don't think it is a good idea to go to the hospital right now. Kendall will be really sad and—" "But that's why we need to go!" Logan interrupted.
"Logan, don't interrupt your father!" his mother said sternly, and with those words, Logan couldn't believe that this man and woman in front of him were his parents. Kendall's father had just died. He was Kendall's best friend and he needed to be there for him. And at a time like this they were teaching him manners, instructing him on how to be polite? Logan couldn't believe it.
"No, NO!" Logan yelled, jerking himself away from his father. "I need to go, I want to go, I AM GOING!"
"Logan Mitchell, you can go right to your room and think about your tone. Your friend lost his father today and you have the nerve to talk to your parents this way. Go to your room."
Logan ran up the stairs and slammed his door shut. The force of the slam made his door just bounce off the door frame instead of close so Logan slammed it over and over until finally it shut completely. He knew he would get in trouble for that, but his parents couldn't be serious. They were being so unfair. They even used Mr. Knight's death as a lesson for Logan. How could they do that? And with this thought, Logan knew that no punishment that his parents could dish out would ever be more severe than the guilt he would feel if he didn't go to Kendall in his time of need. So Logan barricaded his bedroom door with a chair and opened the window. And that is how Logan, of course being mindful and careful about the ice, snuck out of his house for the first time.
Mr. Garcia didn't question him about the fact that he just snuck out of his own house via his bedroom window, and for that Logan was thankful. He knew that the police officer must have seen him, but refrained from saying anything.
They got to the hospital and Mr. Garcia immediately asked the right people about where they could find the Knight family, and before they knew it, there they were.
Katie was pale, and her usually mischievous eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears. The independent little girl clung uncharacteristically tight to her mother, as if afraid she would suddenly leave her too.
Mrs. Knight was talking to a doctor, nodded her head and blinking too much to even fake that she was all right. She held on to her children, her remaining family, as if she too thought they would be taken from her just as her husband had been.
Then Logan saw Kendall. Unlike his mother and sister, Kendall's eyes weren't red-rimmed and he didn't look as if he had been crying. Rather, he looked stoic as he listened to the doctor. It was then that Logan realized how tall Kendall was. Sure he wasn't as tall as James, and Carlos and he had always been small so being taller than them wasn't that big of an accomplishment. But seeing him standing there, Logan vaguely wondered if suddenly being thrust into the role of man of the house made people grow.
Then Logan was caught in a worm hole. Or at least something science fiction-y. That was the only explanation for how he went from wondering how tall Kendall had grown since 10:30 that morning to hugging Kendall and Katie with James and Carlos, crying and mumbling apologies through the tears.
They stayed in to hospital with the Knights, and then James' parents came and drove them all back to Kendall's house, with Mrs. Diamond driving Mrs. Knight's car.
Logan vaguely wondered if it made anyone feel better that they were going ten miles below the speed limit even though the roads weren't that icy anymore.
Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan didn't go to school the next day, and Logan couldn't stop wondering if this could be considered an excused absence. He kept doing that—thinking things that didn't necessarily fit into the situation. He also kept wondering if his parents had even realized that he had gone to the hospital. He snuck back in through his window and got into his pajamas and went downstairs and his parents didn't say anything to him. But who cared about his thoughtless parents right now. Shouldn't I be concerned about my friends? Shouldn't I go over to the Knight household with cake or dinner so that they don't have to do anything for awhile? What am I supposed to do?
He called James to see what he was doing that day, and James let him know that he and Carlos were thinking about heading over after dinner. So Logan sat around his house, doing homework and killing time, waiting for James to call him to say they were going over to Kendall's. Logan would be a little late since he lived so much farther away than the other boys, but they should only beat him by no more than ten minutes if Logan cut through lawns like he was planning on doing.
8:00 rolled around and the phone rang. Carlos let him know that they were leaving for Kendall's house. Logan walked out the door, having been dressed to leave for a little over an hour now and got to the Knight residence as quickly as he could. What he saw was completely unexpected.
Mrs. Knight and Katie were crying, and James and Carlos were trying to comfort them through their own shock at the scene before them.
"What happened?" Logan said, startling everyone in the foyer.
There was silence for a second when Carlos quietly said "We came in and Kendall just started yelling at us to leave, saying that he could handle it. We didn't know what he was talking about then he just went upstairs. I didn't know what was wrong, what caused him to freak out like that, but before we could ask, he just came back down with a bag in his hand and left. He's gone, Logan. We don't know where he is."
"Kendall, stop. Kendall, stop it! You're going to get hurt, just stop it!" Logan yelled at Kendall, once again unsuccessfully trying to stop his skating friend.
"Leave me alone, Logan!" Kendall yelled back as he passed Logan at full speed.
After hearing what happened and that Kendall was missing, Carlos, James, and Logan went looking for their friend, each taking a different direction to search. Without even thinking, Logan found himself at the lake by the park. Logan was convinced that Kendall was born on ice skates. Everything he did revolved around hockey. So, it only made sense that when Kendall wanted time alone, he would go to the lake to skate.
However, even though Logan knew where to find his friend, he did not expect to find Kendall skating back and forth across the lake at full speed, and dangerously not wearing a helmet. Upon seeing this Logan immediately got onto the ice covered lake and tried to get Kendall to stop. It was not an easy task to do, especially since Logan was wearing his tennis shoes rather than ice skates like Kendall.
"Kendall, this is dangerous, you're not even wearing a helmet, you could really hurt yourself!" Logan tried once again to stop his skating friend.
"Shut up, Logan! If it is so dangerous then why don't you just leave! Get out of my way and leave me alone!"
"Kendall, your mom is worried about you, Katie is worried about you, Carlos, James, and I are worried about you. You need to come home! Please Kendall, just—"
"Shut up, Logan!" Kendall said as he passed by again. Logan knew that Kendall needed to think, but he wasn't about to leave his hurting friend here while he recklessly skated as quickly as he could, just asking for an injury. The fact that Kendall wasn't even wearing a helmet worried Logan in particular.
"Kendall," Logan started off gently, but loudly so that Kendall could hear him over his rigorous skating. "I know it hurts. I know that you're hurt right now. But we're here for you. We're here to help you. Me, your mom, Katie, James, Carlos—we're all here for you. I know how you feel—"
"Shut up, Logan!" Kendall said, skating into Logan with enough force that Logan would have fallen had Kendall not grabbed a hold of his shoulders when he collided with him. "You have no idea how I feel."
Logan was ashamed to admit that at that moment he was afraid of one of his best friends. Kendall's usually lively green eyes were dark with anger and hate. His normally cheerful and laughing voice came out dark and gravelly. Logan wasn't even sure if Kendall had control of himself right now, and he was afraid.
Kendall kept a hold of Logan's shoulders, his hand gripping them so tightly that Logan would later discover finger bruises from the hold. Kendall glared at Logan for a few more seconds before shoving him away and getting back to skating. Logan stumbled but miraculously managed to stay upright.
"Kendall," Logan started again but before he could continue Kendall skated into him again, but this time without restraint. This time, both boys fell back on the ice.
"Shut up, Logan! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You don't know how I feel and you never will! You will never understand where I am right now! I need some time alone and all you do is just keep talking to me and talking to me and talking to me. Just shut up and leave me alone!"
"Kendall, I will not leave you now. You're my friend and I know you're hurting right now but that doesn't mean we stop being friends! I know it hurts, and even if I don't necessarily understand that hurt, I know that it does hurt. You lost your father, and you feel pain, but that doesn't mean you can just get up and leave, Kendall! Your mom and your sister are at your house crying because they think they lost you too! Come on, Kendall. I know you need this time alone and I know you want some time to be by yourself and think but being reckless and dangerous—what is that going to do, Kendall? If you got hurt here tonight, if you fell and hit your head and something bad happened, what would that do? Come on, Kendall, please. Just think, just for a second! Think about your family. I know you're hurting, and you have the right to deal with your pain in any way you want to. But as soon as you start dealing with…with…with what happened by being dangerous or doing something dangerous, then it is my problem. It is all of our problem. Please Kendall, I'm sorry. I really am! I really wish with every fiber of my being that I could take back this thing that happened to you, but I can't. And you can't either. Hurting yourself or being reckless isn't going to change anything. Please, Kendall, just talk to me. Don't hurt yourself because of this. Just talk to me!" Logan ranted desperately, hoping that something he said held the key to Kendall's perpetual pride.
There was silence for a few seconds, but they may have been like minutes for Logan. Pure silence, waiting to hear if his desperate pleas got Kendall to talk to him or to shut him out even more. Then he saw it—a minor crack in Kendall's façade. His hard eyes that minutes earlier had been glaring at Logan melted with the tears that took up residence in Kendall's tear ducts. And Kendall fell heavily to the ground as tears fell down his cheeks.
Logan crawled over to Kendall and put his arm around him. He had talked enough, said enough, and now he was just meant to be an ear, a shoulder, whatever it was Kendall wanted, whatever he needed, Logan needed to be that.
After a few minutes silence, sitting on the ice crying, Kendall spoke. "I never thought he would be gone."
Logan looked at his friend sadly and the lump that had been in his throat since he heard the news grew impossibly large.
"It wasn't like he was always there, you know. Like, he had business all of the time. His company made him fly all over the place. That wasn't his fault. It's not really anyone's fault. It's just the way it was."
Kendall stopped, and Logan nodded hesitantly, wanting Kendall to continue, to let his heart out, unsure if any actions on his part would cause Kendall to retreat into his shell.
"But he was there when he needed to be, I guess. That doesn't really make sense but to me it kind of does. I mean, he wasn't there whenever I needed him, and he didn't go to all of my hockey games or all of my school plays and stuff, but…but he was there when he needed to be."
Logan looked at Kendall and his heart fell. His friend was staring straight ahead, and was talking without the usual motions Kendall talked with. His eyes weren't lighting up like they used to, and his hands weren't flying around like they always did. He was still and sad.
"He was there when Katie was born, which I know my mom likes. And he was there for all Christmases and Thanksgivings. He was there when…when…when it was important for him to be there."
There was silence for a few moments, and Logan wondered if he was supposed to say something. Was he supposed to encourage Kendall to continue? Or maybe share a few of his own memories of Mr. Knight? But he couldn't think of any. And it wasn't that he didn't know Mr. Knight, because he did. Mr. Knight taught him to skate faster than anyone else when they were kids, but for the sake of him, Logan couldn't recall one memory of Mr. Knight. Funny how memory works. He could remember Kendall's sadness and the expressions on his parents' faces when they first told him Mr. Knight had died, but he couldn't remember one good memory. Why is it that the bad memories are the ones we remember first while the good memories are the first ones we forget?
"He taught me to skate." Kendall started up again. This time his voice was stronger, and even though it was only a shadow of what Kendall Knight before the sadness sounded like, it was still the first glimmer of his best friend since the accident.
"My dad loved the ice. He was always out here, teaching me new things. I used to think that I was the reason he came out here—because he wanted me to become a hockey player, he wanted to help me learn to skate. But really I think he liked it just as much as I did. My dad was born and raised by ice. Moved here to Minnesota so he could have it for more time. And now he died by ice. Is that irony?"
Logan was using all the strength that he had within him not to cry. He needed to be strong, he needed to be there for Kendall. He was so focused on maintaining his strength that he almost didn't realize Kendall had asked him a question.
Was it irony? Logan thought to himself. He didn't know what to say. By definition, he guessed it was but classifying Kendall's dad's death as a literary term seemed a little heartless. No, it couldn't be irony. It had to be something else.
Logan swallowed. "I think it's tragedy."
Immediately after he said this, he realized that that could have been the worst thing to say. Of course Mr. Knight's death was a tragedy! But, Logan didn't know what to say anymore. For what felt like the first time in his life, Logan didn't have an answer, or an excuse, to a question someone asked him. So he waited and watched as Kendall processed what he had said.
"Yeah," Kendall replied finally, nodding his head slowly. "Tragedy."
They sat in silence, and Logan hoped that Kendall wasn't mad. It was taking him a long time to say anything else, share any more memories, yell at him, whatever. Logan didn't know what to do.
"Can you tell my mom I'm okay?" Kendall said quietly, still looking at the trees surrounding the lake.
"I'll text James and Carlos to tell her, but I think I'm going to wait until you're done."
Logan held his breath, waiting to see what Kendall's reaction would be. Would he be all right with having him stay with him?
Kendall nodded. "Thanks, Logan. I think I just want to sit here for a little while."
Taking that as an invitation to stay with him, Logan mumbled something about letting James and Carlos know and after a few cell phone button clicks, there was silence once again. And Logan and Kendall sat there. Kendall began to cry again, and those cries became sobs and Logan soon found his arms wrapped around his friend, crying with him and comforting him all the same.
After some time, Kendall found that he no longer felt like crying with Logan on the frozen lake by the park, and instead felt like going home and crying while sharing stories with Katie and his mom.
"I'm ready to go, Logan," Kendall said, and with that Logan got up quickly and helped his ice skate-laden friend up as well. "Thanks for listening and for…for, you know, everything," Kendall said stiltedly and somewhat awkwardly.
"Anytime, buddy," Logan said, slight smile on his face not showing happiness, but rather understanding and acceptance.
As the boys walked back to Kendall's house together, Logan suddenly asked "Why were you skating like that, Kendall? Did you really want to hurt yourself?"
Kendall stayed quiet for a few moments, understanding that from Logan's point of view, Kendall's reckless skating may have seemed somewhat suicidal and dangerous. "I just needed to do it, Logan," he replied.
There was silence again, and more than anything Logan wanted to ask "Why" again, but didn't want to invade Kendall's privacy. But then his question was answered.
"My dad lived by the ice. He skated since he was a kid and kept that up until the day he…until the day he died. He lived by ice, then he died by ice. I just needed to show the ice, or God, or whatever or whoever that the ice wasn't going to get me too. I live by ice, and I will achieve by ice. I won't let it, or anything else, slow me down or stop me."
And with that, Logan knew everything would be okay. And although Kendall, Mrs. Knight, and Katie would always feel the pain of the loss of their father or husband, eventually everything would be all right.