Author's Note:
So, here it is: My first own attempt to write something Klaine-related.
I wrote this at 3 in the morning and it really is kind of depressing and cheesy.
Anyways, it takes place after Kurt transferred to Dalton Academy and he and Blaine are just friends. Also (but you might notice that while reading) it is written from Kurt's point of view.
As English isn't my first language I hope I didn't make too many mistakes and you enjoy it though!
Oh, and I don't own Glee because if I did it'd obviously be pretty messed up.
I also don't own Kurt or Blaine. Sadly.
I'm crying. Every day.
I feel so lost in this world. While everybody seems to have a place to go to, I am the one stumbling around awkwardly, not able to find anything to hold on to. All I feel anymore is disappointment, sadness and anger.
But what makes life worth living when you can only the see the bad things? When you're scared of the past, scared of the present, scared of the future. What do you do when you're simply not good enough, not strong enough.
I used to be a fighter. Now I am giving up on things before they even started. Sometimes, in life, there's a point when you say: I can't do this anymore. You simply lose control over things and become a total mess. Painfully shy, insecure, suffering. That's how I look right now.
All these words, these pushes, these looks- they finally destroyed me. After all these years I am now on the ground, broken. But no, it's not about my sexuality, nor about the bullying. I never found myself in a situation where I was ashamed of who I am.
The thing that brought me down is the pity. I see it when I look at my family, when I look at my friends. These looks that say: "Oh, look at him. He must feel so horrible in his situation." More and more they made me feel like a stranger to myself, not like the person I used to be.
When somebody would be asked to describe me right at this moment, they'd probably say just one word to sum it all up. Weakness. I feel like my life is already over, because seriously, what could a person like me achieve after all? Because apparently no one believes in me. I don't even believe in myself anymore.
Right at this moment, with all these things going through my head, I find myself looking at him again. Blaine. When I see his face, I have to smile. Not one of the fake smiles to keep people from asking, but one that's coming from my heart.
He's perfect. He has perfect eyes, perfect lips, a perfect voice, a perfect soul. He might be small but he has the greatest smile in the world. When you're around him, you can't help but see things from a different angle. And I know that he's one of the very few people who still believe in me, no matter what.
But when I look at him, I also see what I don't have. I have always dreamt of having a family one day. Ever since I started thinking about it, I was afraid that I'd end up alone. The situation I am in now makes me realize that this probably is exactly how it'll be. Luck has never been on my side, especially when it comes to love. I haven't even been kissed, not that way. Not from someone I loved.
He had me at hello, literally. That day back then, that was when I realized that I'd never be able to forget that boy. Because he made me feel alive. But now, now everything is different.
We're friends. Best friends. I spend the majority of my day with him. Still, he doesn't see it's not enough. My heart aches when I have to let him go in the evening. Because all I really want to do is to fall asleep in his arms with a smile on my lips.
I'd never have the courage to tell him. He gave me so much and I can't risk losing him, not in any way. I know, if it wasn't for him, I'd lose it all.
But no matter how much pain I feel, there's still hope. That small glimmer of light. I see it in his eyes. He IS my hope, the only I have left. And he has absolutely no idea.
A part of me knows that nothing will ever change if I don't do anything about it. I know that I have to tell him because if I don't, it'll kill me.
He turns to look at me and it feels like the world stops moving. I slowly raise my hand to wave at him, and he returns the gesture. Then he's gone. And even though there are more than twenty people in the room with me, I feel alone.
I find myself answering questions absentmindedly, talking to people without even knowing what I say. After a while I can't stand it anymore.
When I look up again I find myself in my room, head leaned against the closed door, tears running down my cheeks.
"Why can't you see ..", I whisper, "Why can't you see that I love you? I love you, Blaine. I love you."
These simple words say it all. There's nothing more to it. I feel for him, in a way that he won't return. One more time I open my mouth.
"But how could I tell you? How could I tell you if my world would end if you rejected me?"
The last words drown in my sobs.
Only seconds later I regret saying it out loud because I suddenly feel like someone's listening. I feel the presence of someone else, I even hear him breathe. Only centimeters away. Someone's in front of my door and that someone possibly heard what I'd never tell anyone.
My breath is shaky and I start shivering, shrinking backwards till my legs hit the bed.
The next thing I hear is my cellphone and the sound leaves me in total horror. Slowly I reach over to grab it. It takes only a few seconds for the message to load but it feels like hours to me until the words finally appear on the screen.
„Courage." - Blaine
Just one word. For the second time. And yet again, it means so much.
My view starts to get blurry again while I walk towards the door, just in time to hear a shy knock. I can only manage to open it when I suddenly feel two strong arms wrapped around me. I don't even have to look up to know who it is because I would recognize his smell everywhere. For a few minutes both of us don't move. We're just standing there, holding onto each other tightly. Time passes and still I don't dare to back off because I never want this moment to end. I don't even care that I probably ruin his sweater with my tears.
"I am so sorry, Kurt.", I hear him whisper and his voice tells me that I am not the only one who's crying.
"Don't be.", I manage to say and I mean it. Never did I mean to hurt him, even if it meant that I hurt myself.
"Listen to me, please?", he slowly moves away, "I made a huge mistake and I wish I could turn back time to fix it, but I can't.."
I'm not saying anything but my heart is breaking at his words.
"Kurt, look at me."
His hand brushes my cheek when he forces me to look up. Once again I get lost in his eyes.
They're slightly reddened from crying but that doesn't make him less beautiful. No, quite the opposite happens. He looks even more gorgeous and I am not able to look away as he continues to speak.
"I made so many mistakes in my life but there's principally one thing I regret."
He means every word he's saying, I can see it in his eyes while he's speaking. There's nothing but truth in them.
I am so out of my mind that I don't notice him leaning in and I can barely react when all of the sudden I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face and then, finally, his lips on mine.
This is the moment when everything changes. Nothing is the same anymore. Even though I don't know what will happen next, I don't feel fear anymore. I'm just right there, in this moment, and it feels like suddenly everything is how it should be.
In a weak attempt to stop the tears from running down my cheeks I close my eyes and the feeling gets even more intense. He tastes like strawberries and mint and never in my life I have tasted something more delicious.
The kiss is sweet and gentle and when we finally part I want nothing more than just have his lips on mine again.
"I regret that I didn't do this earlier.", he says with a mild smile.
I look at him and simply don't know what to answer but I also know that he doesn't expect me to. Instead of saying something I take his hand like I've always wanted to.
After a few more moments of silence I decide that I should at least ask him what we are, after all.
"S-...So.. you like me?", I manage to stutter because that's the only thing I can think of.
"I do. And I'd like to have a new start with you."
Suddenly I see a spark of excitement in his eyes.
"So, I heard about that Italian restaurant that opened a few weeks ago. Would you like to go there this evening?"
I can't help but smile at his words.
"I'd love to."
"Then it's a date.", he grins while he's still holding my hand, "I'll pick you up at 8!"
With that he leaves me alone with all my confusion and emotions.
Only minutes later I find my voice again.
"I'll be waiting."