Title: Puberty
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Emma, August, Neal, Amelia Booth, & Henry; Emma/August
Summary: Henry's going through puberty which freaks Emma out.
Warnings: Innuendos.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: IDEK what this is. This is borderline between being camp and being crack!fic. I saw that picture Jared tweeted and realized he's a teenager now and got inspired. This is super dumb but it's meant to be dumb so there you go. I dedicate this to all of The Babes, who will appreciate the bromance.
"He's getting chest hair."
"He is not getting chest-"
"He is and he smells bad all the time," Emma muttered as she stood with her arms crossed over her chest. She'd been standing there for the past thirty minutes, staring, or rather, glowering, at the bathroom door.
"I'll buy him more deodorant?"
Emma glanced over and gave him a 'shut up' look.
August sighed, unsure of what she wanted to him to do.
"It's puberty-"
"That's right! He's not my little baby anymore! He's all…tall and…hairy…and moody!"
"Do you want me to call Regin-"
"NO!"
Emma sent death glares his way as Neal entered the room. He took one look at Emma and moved back into the kitchen.
"I forgot someth-"
August grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into the room.
"Don't make me do this alone," he growled.
"She's your wife-"
"He's your son!"
"He's your son too-"
August felt Emma's eyes on the back of his neck and turned to find her shooting death glares at the both of them. Neal shoved half of his sandwich into his mouth and mumbled something about how Emma looked lovely today and had she lost weight.
"You're both morons. You know what he's doing in there, right?"
August and Neal exchanged glances. Neal gave him a small shrug and August frowned. He tried to think back to when he was a teenager but nothing sprang to mind.
"Shaving his non-beard?"
"I think that was the wrong answer, bro," Neal muttered as Emma's eyes went wide and all but came out of her head like a cartoon character.
"He's…" she tilted her head, as if they could read her thoughts. "You know."
"No…"Neal began before his eyes went wide. "Emma, don't be…leave him alone!"
"What?"
Emma motioned with her hand and August groaned. He didn't want to think about his son wanking in the shower or measuring his junk or taking 'selfies' or whatever the hell boys did nowadays. Being a teenage boy was gross and horrifying and In August's eyes Henry was still that ten-year-old baby he'd met on the street; he didn't need that image tarnished by Emma's neurosis.
"Emma…" August began before she cut him off.
"Do you know any boy who willingly spends an hour in the shower?"
"So what if he is?" August replied, thinking Henry deserved some privacy, not for his mom to be trolling about outside of the bathroom ready to shame him.
"So what if he-THAT IS OUR BABY!"
"Should I call Regina?" Neal said through a mouth full of sandwich, already done with this conversation.
"No! I am his mother, I don't need her to…why are you even here? Do you ever leave?"
"I was bored and-"
"Come on, Emma, we all know Neal doesn't buy groceries because he can just come here and raid our kitchen."
"It's true. I enjoy-" Emma glared. "I'll just go back into the kitchen now. Just be glad he's not out banging chicks like I wa-" This time it was August's turn to glare.
"Daddy, what does 'banging chicks' mean?"
August looked down in dismay to find his adorable, mini-Emma with pigtails, staring up at him curiously with her big blue eyes.
"Um…I…uh…well…it's a very bad…your Uncle Neal is just…Emma, help," he croaked.
Emma leaned down to scoop the baby up and smacked Neal on the back of the head on her way back up.
"You're both going to talk to him. I don't want to know what he's actually doing in there, but I want him to know all about being safe and respecting women and…you know what, Neal; you just sit there and let August do the talking. And if my child is traumatized or starts dancing on a pole at nineteen under the name 'Candy' I will hunt you down and make you a eunuch, do you understand?"
Neal gulped and nodded. Emma looked between the two of them angrily and stormed out of the room.
"What the hell, dude?" August growled. "She repeats everything she hears!"
"I forget! It's not my fault; she's so tiny and quiet!"
"She's a baby!"
Neal rolled his eyes.
"Once she can walk and talk and put herself to bed I don't think she's still a b-hey, buddy!"
August turned to find Henry standing in the doorway awkwardly with his tablet in his hand while drying his hair.
"Hi…dads…um…what's up?"
August exchanged a glance with Neal before clearing his throat.
"You okay, kid? You've been in there awhile? Are you sick?"
Neal crossed his arms and muffled a chuckle by coughing.
"What's on your tablet there?"
"I was playing Scrabble and um…"
"You were sexting some girl, weren't you?"
"Neal!"
Neal ignored August and threw his arm around Henry.
"It's okay, I get it, and I was a ladies' man too. Look, look at porn, talk sexy, do what you need to do, just use one of these. If you don't, like I didn't, you'll end up with a child and your mom will kill me because anytime you mess up she blames it on me." Neal shoved a condom from his pocket into Henry's hand.
"Why do you have one of-never mind," Henry muttered, embarrassed.
August crossed his arms and chuckled.
"Don't worry, Neal, he's not getting anyone pregnant."
Henry flushed as Neal processed August's words.
"Oh. So…you two have already…" Neal began.
"He's had the talk, don't worry," August said, giving Henry a wink. Henry rolled his eyes.
"Well, just because you use a condom, son…make sure she's on the pill and isn't lying-"
August snorted and Henry sighed.
"I'm not going to get anyone pregnant, dad," Henry insisted.
"You never know, I never thought I would and I mean, admittedly, it did take three hundred-"
"The only way Henry's getting anyone pregnant is with a turkey baster," August butted in, seeing the red look on Henry's face. Poor kid, he didn't need to image of vaginas in his head.
Neal stared at them for a long moment, confused.
"Why would he need a turkey-"
"OH MY GOD DAD, I'M GAY!" Henry said loudly and quickly. His entire face went red and he began grumbling under his breath about how stupid everyone was.
"You're…huh." Neal blinked and forgot about his food for a moment. "So you like…not vaginas?"
Henry groaned.
"Please don't make a big deal about it-"
"Emma doesn't-"
"NO! My moms don't need to know, okay."
Neal gave August a 'look'.
"He just…doesn't want Emma freaking out and then telling Regin-"
"Doesn't want Emma freaking out about what?"
Henry shook his head silently. It wasn't that Emma wouldn't accept him, it was more that Henry was still trying to figure out who he was and if Emma knew he'd have to tell Regina and she would be the problematic one.
"Well-"
"Henry's gay, he's not knocking anyone up, so you can stop freaking out about him jerking off in the shower. He's doing it to dudes, not chicks."
Emma gaped at the three of them for a long moment. She narrowed her eyes and looked between them, as if trying to sense one of them was lying. Once she was confident they weren't she opened her mouth and then closed it again. She frowned and then blinked.
"So….you're not going to make me a grandmother before I'm 40?" She asked finally.
Henry stared at his mother, completely mortified. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing but a small croak emerged. She shook his head furiously.
"Good," Emma replied. "And spend less time in the shower, you'll chafe. Neal, get him some lube or something, you're his father, make sure he does it properly if he's going to insist on doing it day and night."
Emma looked around and then grabbed Amelia's favorite stuffed toy before leaving them all.
"I'll…I'm going to…I hate my life," Henry mumbled before slowly making his way to his bedroom.
"What's his problem?" Neal asked with his mouth full of food again. August rolled his eyes and moved to the kitchen to clean up whatever mess Neal had made.
"Nothing, Neal, I'm just glad that kid has me around."