He wanted to follow her.
Once, he was going to follow her to England. Now he just wants to follow her into the ground. He's transfixed on the polished mahogany box as they begin lowering it.
She's inside it.
There's no more blood on her face, her neck had been moved into a more natural position, and she was wearing a pink dress.
She hated pink.
Briefly he wonders what she would have looked like in her wedding dress. His hands on top of fitted white lace as they dance, and she looks up at him smiling, making her seem even more like an angel. Her mother sobs on his left. Holding onto her oldest son to keep from cracking and falling apart under the grief of loosing her baby girl. She would have smiled wide enough to break open her face when Gwen told her she was going to be a grandmother. Every single would have cried happy tears and hugged them both, finally making him feel like he was a part of the family.
And then he thinks of her younger brother.
He only has three years of high school left, he shouldn't be spending part of them burying his sister. Gwen would have been so proud of him. She would have smiled and cheered louder than anyone in the whole gymnasium when he graduates. Afterwords she would have hugged him like a proud parent, then teased him about being a man when it was all over. It sends a new wave of pain running through him so he closes his eyes and tries to block it out. M.J. notices and grips his right hand gently to keep him therewith them even though he just wants to go so badly. To just take off and run.
He thinks he might if his legs would work.
M.J.'s not crying, but she's not smiling either. That's how you know how torn up she is inside because Mary Jane always smiles. She smiled when she got her gallbladder out. But she'll move on eventually, just like half the people here crying. M.J.'s stronger than him, she'll bounce back. She'll make new friends, She'll travel and see the world, she'll model, she'll grow old, and she'll do all the things that Gwen will never get to do.
He is slowly realizing that Gwen is never going to get grey haired or have laugh lines and it makes this all even more real, more crushing.
Gwen is never going to go to Oxford, (Jack the Ripper will never be caught). They're never going to get married, (he'll never look at someone the same way he looked at her). They're never going to start a family, (there will never be anyone who is half of him and half of her that clings to his leg). Gwen will never see her brothers graduate and lives of their own. Gwen will never cure cancer or win a noble prize. She'll never go to Italy or see Paris, she'll never lay in the sun again, she'll never drink coffee again, she'll never watch a horrible movie again, she'll never get winkles or watch her hair turn grey.
She'll never do any of these things. Because she's gone now. He squeezes his eyes shut even tighter.
He wants to follow her.