Dearest Matoro.
A/N~ Where…the absolute f** have I been? Uh…hmmm…well, a few of you know, but others, well, not so much. Heh, I actually got inspired to do this from a letters-to-the-dad themed fic, as wel as my new hobby of writing letters to my internet friends. It's such a lovely, lost art. I often wish I could send letters to all my awesome reviewers and fellow writers.
But anyways, have some angst!
~M
Takes place after Jaller and co leave for Voya-nui.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Day 3.
Dearest Matoro,
It's been three days since you left, and I can only hope you can imagine how furious I am at you for leaving me like this. What? This letter? Well, technically it won't be sent to you. Vakama got the stupid idea in his head that writing to you would help relieve stress and my anxieties.
How odd. I am absolutely furious at you for up and leaving without so much as saying goodbye, and yet I still worry for you, dove. Heh, I can see your face now. You absolutely loathe when I call you dove. But that's what you are, Matoro. A pure little dove.
I expect you to come back soon. But until then, I shall write to you whenever I can.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 5.
Dearest Matoro,
I cannot begin to tell you how dull things are around here without you. Well, no, that's not entirely true. Matau is still as much a nuisance, though entertaining when the occasion calls for it. He actually caught me writing this letter to you during a lull in our meeting, and he made a very rude comment about it. It's fine though, the healers can fix his nose.
Ah, I can just imagine the disapproving scowl you would give me for that stunt. He deserved it though. Dume even complimented my impeccable aim…though it is Dume.
I have to wonder how it is you are doing. Are you hurt? Are you eating enough? Sleeping enough?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 10.
Dearest Matoro,
Things are getting hectic over here. Thanks to Jaller's example, uprisings and rebellions are rising against us, demanding answers. It is taking a toll on all of us, though none more so than Dume. I think he feels like he let everyone down, that his absence from the Matoran's lives was nothing more than an excuse for him to run away.
I honestly cannot blame him for any of this. Who would see such a thing coming? Well, I sort of did, but that's beside the point.
Just come home soon, dove. It's not the same here without you.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 18.
Dearest Matoro,
It is getting worse. Rebellions are outright attacking those who still hold faith in us – sad to say those numbers are few. It wasn't until a Matoran – one of my own Ko-Matroan – was killed in a fight that Dume put his foot down.
He told them everything. How Mata-nui was dying, how you and Jaller had gone off to rescue the Toa Nuva, everything. I…had honestly never seen someone look so defeated. But somehow, this wave of devastation had calmed the rebels. It was as if someone had turned on the lights of a dark room. It was such an odd rainbow of reactions from the Matoran; sadness, anger, disbelief.
I know you wouldn't react as such. You were always such a strong, willful thing. I know you probably would have been scared, but not for yourself; but for others.
I miss that kind warmth Matoro. So come back soon, alright?
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 25.
Dearest Matoro,
You know, it's not only me that misses you. The other Turaga and Kopeke miss you. I think even that brat Ehrye misses you.
The others are becoming listless, exhausted by events and just the overall sense of impending doom. It is so strange, sitting in on meetings without your warm presence at my side. Meetings seem so dull now without you.
You not only ran off and took your presence with you, but you also took my voice with you. I cannot bear the thought of speaking in your place, it is your right and your right alone to do so for me. Though I have to wonder if you even deserve it anymore.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 32.
Dearest Matoro,
I am so sorry. I never meant to say those things to you in my last letter. I am just so frustrated and angry, and I took it out on you. I feel awful about it…
The others still miss you. Matau even approached me and asked how I was feeling, if I felt you were still alive and well somewhere out there. I honestly did not know how to answer him, but my heart did, and so I said yes. He did not smile though, only nodded and shuffled off.
Kopeke came over today as well, and hesitantly asked me if I had heard word from you or the others at all. He's been doing this for the past week, as if he actually expected you to send word. Though if I were honest with myself, I sometimes wonder if you could somehow reply to my letters. Sadly, I had to break Kopeke's heart and say no.
You once told me, during your times of despair and grief, you would write all your pain down and put it in a glass bottle, of which you would throw into the sea. You told me that, should the bottle break in the sea, the water will wash away the sorrow inside of it, and therefore from you. I recall I said it was a ridiculous notion. But you only smiled at me, and told me that you would write my troubles down for me and throw them into the sea.
Do you still write of your pain? Do you throw letters of sorrow into the sea, and hope they will reach me?
I wish you would.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 40.
Dearest Matoro,
We still have no word of you and the others. I will not admit it out loud, but I am getting scared for you, Matoro.
This is not your fight. Please, won't you just come back?
~Nuju
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 45.
Dearest Matoro,
I meant what I said – this is not your fight. If anything, it is mine. You are not supposed to fight. I'm supposed to fight for you. I'm your Turaga, your guardian, your protector! You do not fight, you let me fight for you!
…and yet, I have failed to protect you.
Do I disappoint you? Am I a failure in your eyes? Ah…your eyes…I still remember what they look like.
Blue as the summer sky reflected on a tropical sea. They are depthless, and yet no matter how deep your eyes are, darkness does not touch them. Darkness cannot survive in your eyes, in your heart. They are so expressive, so unlike other Ko-Matoran eyes. When I look into them, I can tell if you are happy, sad, upset, or content. And yet, should you wish it, those eyes can freeze over. And with a simple gaze, you could down a Manas with those eyes.
I recall the first day I looked into those eyes – it was the same day I fell under your spell.
I wish to see those eyes again.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 52.
Dearest Matoro,
Nokama and Dume got into a fight today. It's just not right, Nokama does not fight like she did with Dume. The red Turaga I can understand, it's no surprise. Ta-people start fights, it is simple fact. And yet, it was not he, but Nokama who had started the fight.
At first, it was only just a cold remark on how Dume should have told everyone sooner. Then Dume shot back a comment on how she was to blame for yours and the other's disappearance. It escalated from there. I had never seen such a heated argument, not even from my days as a rookie Toa. And we were all quite quick to temper.
But the worst part is…I had silently agreed with Dume. When he told her it was her fault you ran off, I felt a sense of cold satisfaction. I think a part of me resents her; if she had not told Jaller of what was going on, he would not have gone to you for help, and you would not have left us – left me.
Am I a terrible person, dove? Is it wrong that I hold this sudden contempt for Nokama? My friend, my sister, the one who understood me more than the others – but not as much as you.
Please come home, please tell me I'm not a terrible person…
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 65.
Dearest Matoro,
My hands are shaking as I write this letter. Can you tell? My hands never shake. I'm not supposed to. I am as steady and solid as the mighty glaciers. But still, I tremble.
I had a nightmare last night. Of you. I dreamed that the others came home – but you did not. They told me in the dream that you had died. Jaller approached me then, and took my hand. He placed in it the blood stained body of a dove. And I awoke with a scream in my throat.
Take these dreams away from me, Matoro. Please.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 70.
Dearest Matoro,
I've forgotten what your eyes looked like. I've forgotten how soft your long hair was. I'm even starting to forget what your face looks like.
I know your eyes are blue, but I cannot place the shade or depth. I tried looking at a photo of you but…I just couldn't. It hurt so much.
I don't need a photo, I just need you.
Please come home to me.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 84.
Dearest Matoro,
The nightmares continue. Each one more gruesome than the last. You may notice this letter has water stains on it, the ink slightly diluted.
Just know dove, it's not from water.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 96.
Dearest Matoro,
Kopeke has stopped coming by and asking for you. The Turaga have stopped asking about you too. I think they're too scared to mention you around me.
Whenua came to me, shockingly, after one of our meetings. He had never looked so old, so tired. At any other time, I might have mocked him for it. But I had not the energy – I imagine I looked just as old and tired as he did.
He didn't say anything for a long time. But when he did, it was two simple words, "I'm sorry."
I dare not think about what he is sorry for. But for some reason, I accepted it.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 105.
Dearest Matoro,
I think what I miss about you the most is your voice. You have always had such a lovely, expressive voice. I counted myself lucky to have hired one as brilliant as you with such a voice. To speak in my place, so that I, greedy, may soak in every tone and melodic tune you spoke.
I remember when I first heard you sing. It was at the Mid-Winter festival, and you heard the instrumental composition of one of your favorite songs. You stopped, looked at the band, and started to sing. Oh how you sang. You could put even the most well-versed Le-Matoran to shame. Your voice, so soft, yet it held so much power. It was like hearing the song of a long forgotten deity, like the melodious croon of an ancient bird.
Do you still sing, dove? If I listened hard enough, would I be able to hear you over the distance that has taken you?
Will you sing for me again?
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 116.
Dearest Matoro,
I cannot take it anymore. Matoro, please come home. I don't care what I must do – if I must scream my desire for you to come home on the Towers themselves, I'll do it. Just please, please, come home…
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 123.
Dearest Matoro,
I cried all night last night. I miss you so much; your presence, your smell, your eyes, your voice – everything. I do not know why I had spontaneously burst into tears – I just woke up and I could not stop. Perhaps it was from a nightmare so volatile, I forgot it in that instant. But the pain remained.
Do you dream, dove? Do you suffer from nightmares full of loss like I do? If you do, tell me, and come home. I'll hold you through the pain of those nightmares; we can hold each other.
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 134.
Dearest Matoro…
The others came back today.
But you did not…
Why?
~Nuju.
~x~x~x~x~x~
Day 135.
My Dearest Matoro…
Your funeral was today. But I did not attend it.
No, I would not go to your funeral – because I wanted to be alone with you.
I…must confess something to you. Alone. Where no one else could hear me.
You are, and will forever be, my everything. My world, my sky, my sea, my very meaning for existence. You, a mere boy, had stolen what little there was left of my frozen heart. And I can only hope that meager treasure is enough for you.
From my window, I can see the two new statues of you erected in the Ko-Metru square. Even now, after staring at them for so long, I cannot help but gaze in awe of you.
Your Inika form – Matoro, let no one else say otherwise. You are beautiful. You grew, yet you kept your lovely, small frame. You are no longer a boy, but a man. I can just imagine it, your form in motion, sword at the ready and composure calm. You must have been so graceful, so swift and cunning. You would do any ice Toa proud.
Your Mahri form – surprising, if not shocking, to gaze upon. It is eerie in a way. This clawed, cold skinned, almost skeleton resembling frame, it gives no indication whatsoever of the dove I knew. It is an image of death, while your Inika form resembles life…but you are still beautiful to me. The sea is a wondrous, dangerous place, and I can only think how strange it must have been for you to be some place so dark. You do not belong in the dark, and yet, you somehow conquered it.
But still, I think my favorite form is the one I knew you in best. Kopeke outdid himself, carving this tiny, yet precious statue of you as a Matoran. It sits upon my desk now, but does not stay long. I take it home every night, and place it upon my nightstand. It smiles at me, just like you used to.
I always preached on how the past did not matter, but it was the future one must look towards. But now, as I write this letter, I cannot help but think I was wrong.
The past is precious, a slowly growing gem we keep buried in our hearts and minds. And you, your memories – they are more precious than any gem, any coin, or any heartfelt gift one could receive. You, in all your forms, are precious to me.
And because you are so precious to me, I ask that you wait for me, just as I have waited for you.
Because one day, I will come home to you.
I love you, Matoro.
~Nuju.