Bella's point of view
I saw him every where.
I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I dreamt of him every night, and woke up crying, clutching the empty air where I could have sworn he had been laying.
I couldn't talk, because if I did, I would say his name.
Did I have it in my to hear his name?
No body must have thought so, because his name was a curse to everyone around me.
They knew not to say it.
They knew not to talk to me.
They knew not to look at me.
Because if they did, they would see my world.
Pain.
Sadness.
Grief.
Suffering.
Torment.
Rage.
And not one ounce of joy.
I saw my love behind my eyes, but if I reached for where I saw his beautiful face
He was gone.
He vanished, taking my soul with him.
Taking my heart with him.
I couldn't take this pain.
I had thought of killing myself.
I had gotten close once.
I had a bottle of pain pills, ironically, left over from what Carlisle gave me for the pain in my arm from my birthday.
I had locked myself in the bathroom with them.
I willed myself to take them.
Maybe in Heaven, I would see Edward.
He would be waiting for me, and I coudl ump in his cold yet warm arms.
I tried to take them.
But I thought of what would happen to my dad if he came home and found me dead.
I couldn't do that to him.
Even though I hated my life, I did not hate his.
I told myself there was still a chance I would see Edward again, and we would be together once more.
I didn't believe myself, I felt like I had when my mother tried to get me to believe in Santa one year
When I was far too old to trust in him.
I was kidding myself to make my life bearable.
Throwing my pain under a rug, trying to forget about it.
Once, there was seven straight seconds when I did not think of Edward.
Of what he was doing.
What he was thinking.
What he was feeling.
Did he miss me too?
Was he glad to be rid of me?
Was he as sad as I?
Impossible - if he was in as much pain as I was, he would come back to me.
He knew I would always forgive him and love him.
Did I mean any thing to him all that time?
Did he lie to me?
Did I lie to myself?
Was the devil wearing a clever mask?
Making me as happy as I could be,
only to drop me as hard as he could?
It was not Edward's fault if he did.
It was mine for believing him.
And now, I was numb.
I no longer felt pain, yet I lived it every day.
I no longer felt sadness, although it was my keeper.
I no longer thought, although thinking was all I did.
I turned a switch.
One that pulled the plug on my emotions.
It hid them.
Banished them to the bottom of a deep lake.
But some horrible moments, they showed a fin.
A tail.
They splashed above the water.
I cried.
I screamed.
I begged God to kill me and get it over with.
I begged Edward to come back.
I called to empty air,
To a lover who would never come.
A puff of smoke.
I curled on the ground.
I let my tears carve a canyon in my heart.
I couldn't heal.
I couldn't move on.
Edward!
You betrayed me!
You went back on me!
Coward!
I wanted to mean these words I thought,
when I was pulled into the black water
where I hid my demons.
I wanted to trust myself in them and know I spoke the truth.
But I could not.
I loved him still.
I would forever.
I cried for him.
I broke and hurt and crippled for him.
I needed him more than air.
I wanted him more than I wanted to live to see tomorrow.
I would gladly die tonight,
If it meant I could spend my last day with him.
One more minute.
One more word.
I would trade my pathetic excuse for a life.
To tell him I loved him one more time.
Too feel his lips against mine.
To feel him pull away too soon.
Always too soon.
I scared Charlie.
He knew I was dying inside.
I didn't care if I caused him hurt.
But because I was hurting more.
I stayed alive for him
but I would not be happy for him.
Happiness was over.
Gone.
Like Edward.
Oh, Edward.
My only hope.
My only prayer.
I had none
for any one else.
Only him.
And he was gone.
And I was broken.
He didn't care.
If he did
He would be here.
With me.
Forever.
Goodbye Edward Cullen.
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.
I want you.
I'll die for you.
Would you die for me?
Be happy Edward
Because you got what you want.
Fine love again some day
Edward
Maybe I'll do the same.
But Edward,
remember,
there will always be
a place in my heart
The biggest place
just for you.
If you ever come back to me
I'll never let you go.
Remember that Edward,
Because it's all I have
to say to you today.
I could say a million things.
Cry a million tears.
But that would not make you come back to me.
Never enough.
Always too much.
Is that the game we're doomed to play?
The devil's game?
In this war
Of angels and demons.
Gifts from God.
And curses from Satan.
You are both to me.
And I am both to you.
My blood sings to you.
My heart bleeds for you.
I love you.
You used to love me.
You did this for me.
And it's the last thing I want.
I'm dying Edward.
Slowly every day.
Little pieces of me
are broken more and more
my soul is battered
my heart is weary.
The only thing
That can bring me back to life
is you
and only you
Edward
please
come back to me
I'm waiting for you.
I'll wait
right where you left me
and one day
I will see you once again.
And I can say:
Edward.
I love you.
I died for you.
I'm not mad at you.
Never.
Love me too.
Your love is all I have
to bring me every day
forever in my heart
forever in my soul.
Edward.
Oh, Edward.