Disclaimer:

I do not own Evangelion.

Info:

This is my quick take on what I believe our favorite Eva pilot feels when he thinks of his world, when he isn't running from the truth. Timing is after the death of the 12 Angel.

To Feel Alone Amongst Others.

Shinji Ikari lay in his hospital bed recovering from his brush with death. As he gazes upon the, now too familiar ceiling of the pale room, he wonders about he life. Some would say that he had the coolest life ever or that he was a great person to do all that he had done, however he would never agree to that. In his mind there was far too much pain involved in what he did for it to be a good thing and whatever seemed good was clouded over by the lonelyness that followed him like a shadow.

"I have friends... right? and there are those who care for me ... ... right? Then why do I still feel empty wherever I go and Whatever I do', The pilot ponders to himself. 'Misato cares for me and Toji and Kensuke are my friends"

However tonight his mind will no allow it to end on that note, it forces reality to rear it's ugly head and prove the truth once again.

"Misato does care, but she is just usin me to fill a void. What caused it I don't know, but I think she doesn't care who is in her family as long as there is one.", the first truth is shown. That truth is followed quickly by the second and third truths, "Toji is my friend because he still feels guilty for hitting me and because Kensuke isn't leaving me alone. Kensuke obviously is sticking around for whatever scraps of information that he can get on Eva. I use that to keep him around to stem even a little of my lonelyness."

Suddenly his body begins to shake as he realizes that he is alone amongst those who are leeching off him and his life. This brings him to the next portion of his self destruction session, the part that he dreads the most. The views of his fellow pilots.

"Ayanami is simple enough, she doesn't care without orders. Her heart may not be ice, but it is locked down far enough that till someone finds a key or has enough skill with picking those locks, she will never acnowledge others. However I certainly wasn't unhappy when she gave me that smile. Yet, since then she has closed off mostly and it is as if she barely exists. I might as well stick around for her sake though atherwise she would be as lonly as me."

"Auska, oh how I admire her, if only she would treat me as if I were a human being I could believe that she, at the very least, thought of me as a coworker. Seeing as it is thoughshe looks down on me and I see no point in trying to get closer to her. It would be easier to ram my head though a brick wall."

'I want to find love and be loved, but I don't think it would be fair if I died that next day and left that person alone. I'll have to resign myself to the fact that since I can be normal I will always be alone no matter where I am and maybe the pain will go away."

With that the young pilot passed out from the exhausting period of truth and selrf induced pain caused by his exaggerated take on those truths. Never did he notice the red eyes in the door way showing concern for the one person who did the same for their owner. Rei Ayanami had wanted to comfort the boy as she heard the obvious torture that Ikari had put himself through, but she didn't know how and no one would teach her. She was surprised to note that tears had begun to flow down her face as she entered the room and gazed upon the sleeping occupant. She felt and odd tug upon her soul as she watched him toss and turn in the hospital bed.

Suddenly she did something that she didn't understand, it was as if the human portion of her genetics told her that if she was concerned physical contact would help. So her hand, against her will, reached out and carresed the face of the Third Child, immediately calming his movements and bringing a gentle simle to his tormented face.

Watching herself continue this action she says to no one in particular, "Maybe I can help you to no longer feel alone Shinji, if time allows for it.", and with that she left the room to ponder how to protect the one that never gave up on her and remove the lonliness from his heart.

The End

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