What would happen if our favorite Harry Potter characters were to read some of the Fanfictions we wrote about them? I was talking to my friends at school when this decided to present itself. I'm used to writing in First Person so I apologize in advance though I think it's all cool. Warning: My humor may not be humorous, but it is to me.

Third Person POV

"We're here," Hermione rushed into Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, dragging Ron behind her. "Are you there, Ginny?"

"In here!" Ginny's voice floated into the room. Hermione and Ron moved to meet it, their alarm growing. They'd received a frantic Patronus from Ginny earlier (quite a shock, a horse in the living room!) that had told them she needed them over as soon as possible. They'd left immediately, well, just after Ron had swallowed the last few pieces of bacon.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked. She walked into the room. Ginny was at the entrance, greeting them, her long fiery red hair perfectly straight and her brown eyes sad.

"I'm not sure," Ginny said. "It's Harry. This morning he was on his portable Muggle machine – a laptop, I think he calls it – and the next thing I knew… this!" she motioned with her right hand.

Harry was in the corner of the room, sitting on the floor and hugging his knees. His black hair was messier than usual, his glasses tilted on his face. He was wearing pajamas; a t-shirt advertising Weasley & Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and boxers. Ron and Hermione watched him uncomfortably; both inwardly wishing Ginny had thought to clothe her husband before inviting them over. They'd seen enough for a life time on the journey to find the Horcruxes back in 1998…

His laptop was a few feet away from his curled body, open and shining a bright white light. Harry was trembling, looking from it to his wife and guests and back again.

Careful not to look at his laptop (for that would be rude, wouldn't it?) Hermione cautiously approached him. "Harry," she said in a soft voice. "What's wrong?"

Harry shakily pointed his index finger accusingly at the laptop. "It… it… it was horrible…" was all he said before he buried his face in his arms.

Ron was concerned. He knew Harry Potter – head Auror and survivor of two death curses, not to mention numerous battles. But he'd never seen him in such a distressed position. Maybe it's all catching up to him… he thought. That kind of stuff can have a toll on a man, right?

"What was horrible?" asked Hermione pryingly.

Harry glanced back at the screen in fear. "F-f-first it was innocent…" he whispered. "J-jus' me an' G-G-Ginny. And… and then it became worse… It was you." His pupils dilated as he looked at Hermione. "A-and then you…" he looked at Ron. "And then… then… Draco." He said the last words like a curse under his breath, a whispered hiss that made a chill run down Hermione's spine.

"What is it, Harry?" Ron asked. "What did this to you?"

Harry glanced back at the screen with a mad look in his eyes. And then he whispered what sounded like a bad omen. "Fanfiction."

Hermione blinked curiously and turned to look from Harry to Ron and then Ginny. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's look!"

In one fluid movement, all three of them moved to look at the laptop. They inspected the small print; the name said The Basilisk. It was rated M which Hermione immediately figured wasn't good. She saw it said Harry P. – Draco M. Something about 88 Favorites and so many Follows and Reviews. Ignoring all of that, they continued to read.

After five minutes, they'd all read it. "That was…" Ron shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He'd just read about his best friend… and his arch enemy… and stuff that he had never thought about doing to another guy.

"Yeah," Hermione shuddered. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Harry and Draco? She never wanted to read about either of their basilisks again… she would very well stick to Ron's.

Ginny knelt beside Harry and hugged him. Harry didn't seem to notice her.

"Let's give him a few days," Hermione suggested. "Maybe he'll feel better."

Ron and Ginny agreed. Hermione saw the way her husband was eyeing the laptop. She quickly closed it, knowing Ron had no idea of how to work Muggle technology. "No," she said like he was a dog. "You're not going to get sucked into this… whatever it is."

Ron grumbled something about being a mature Auror for the Ministry of Magic as Hermione lead him away.

Once at home, she said, "I know this is your day off and you want to enjoy it, but before you sit down and try to figure out how to use the TV again I'd like you to clean up the kitchen. Can you do that, please? Thank you." she kissed him on the cheek and Disapparated.

When Hermione got home that night, everything was clean and tidy, which shocked her. She hadn't expected Ron to do anything more than what she had asked. Well, she thought, maybe he was just feeling generous today.

Hermione walked into the bedroom she shared with Ron and found him already there, laying on the bed in his boxers. There was a present on the bed, resting beside his hip. "Ron…?" she asked. "What's this all about?"

He chuckled. "I just got an idea from a story I read."

"Ron, I swear if you mention Harry or Draco's-"

"No," he said, clearly not wanting to think about that either. "But I stopped by a Muggle shop… what was it called? Oh, it doesn't matter. Anyway, I picked us up something for tonight." He smirked.

Hermione rolled her eyes. Well, maybe this fanfiction thing wasn't all that bad.

But the next day, as Hermione worked, one of her assistants ran into her office. "Mrs. Weasley," she panted. "We've received owl from your husband Mr. Weasley. He says there's been an emergency and you need to go home immediately!"

"Really?" Hermione asked. Last time he'd sent her such a letter it'd been because there was a spider in the shower. "What's it this time?"

"He didn't say, but here's the note."

It was a sticky note. Ron nearly never used sticky notes, especially for letters. His scrawl was scribbled and fast, just a few words. Harry's over. There's another problem. Come quick!

"I swear if this isn't really important…" I mumbled under my breath as I started packing my papers. But he'd mentioned Harry… so it couldn't be good.

She rushed home to find Harry and Ron both huddled on the couch. They were sitting in similar positions; Harry the same as yesterday and Ron identical to Harry. "Oh no," Hermione said. "No, no, no, no. Ron, please say you didn't…"

Ron shook his head. "It… it… it was horrible."

The laptop was on the coffee table. Hermione snatched it up and read the screen. "You and Ginny?" she squealed. "Who would even… in their right mind…" she slammed it shut. "What else did you read, Ron?" This was worse than a wildfire…

"I swear…" he mumbled, staring straight past Hermione, "It was jus' you and me to start. And then… then… Lavender. And if those weren't bad… Ginny… poor little Ginny! What've I done to her?" he hid his head as if trying to become invisible.

"That wasn't you, Ron," Hermione insisted. "Come on, both of you! It's just words on a page. I mean… if Ginny read that, you know what she would've done? She would have laughed. And Harry, you know what Draco would do? He wouldn't let it get the best of him! No, he'd-"

There was a frantic knock on the door. Hermione answered it, irritated. "What now?" she sighed. She was surprised to find Draco on the other side, kneeling over with a distraught expression. "Malfoy?" she asked. "What the-" Oh no, she recognized that expression. Her usual annoyance at him faded into begrudging sympathy. "Come on in," she offered. "We're taking patients on the couch."

Draco stumbled in. He stared apprehensively at the couch. "Sit…" he said in a far-off voice. "With… him? No… not after…" he was looking at Harry.

"Then sit by Ron. Go on, SIT!"

He sat like his life depended on it. Great, Hermione sighed. Now I have to deal with three wide-eyed children on my couch. What do you do for the mentally scarred?

She gave them all blankets, making them all look even more vulnerable. "I'll get you all some tea," she told them. "And can I get you anything to eat? We've got lemons and limes and apples-"

All three of them groaned in complaint. Draco looked particularly queasy. "No apples," he moaned. "Anything but apples!"

Hermione frowned. What now? Well, she figured, they'll just wait it off. Until then… one little fanfiction couldn't hurt.

With one more hesitant glance at the three boys, Hermione opened the laptop and searched M fanfictions for her and Ron. Twenty minutes and several fanfictions later, she'd figured out why the boys were hooked in the first place.

After a particularly hot fic, Hermione clicked on the author's name and found a list of several other involving her and… was that Ginny? How would that work? She wondered. I should look… there's nothing wrong with that.

But just before she could click the link, there was a crack. Ginny was in the living room with that look on her face. "Ginny," she complained. "I thought you knew better than that!"

Ginny shook her head silently.

"Sit with the boys. I'll get your blanket and tea."

Ten minutes later, and Hermione found herself getting nowhere. "So what did you read?" she began.

"Drinny."

"Harmony."

"Romione."

"Weasleycest."

"Snanger."

"Drarry."

"Snarry."

"Pottermort."

"Herminny."

"Trio."

"Trio?" Hermione stopped them and asked Ginny.

Ginny and Draco exchanged an understanding look. "You know," Draco said. "The Golden Three? The Trio? Harry, Hermione, and Ron."

Hermione shuddered. "Continue, then."

"Snily."

"Snaco."

"Twincest."

"Jily."

"Dramione."

"Hinny."

"Honks."

"Ninny."

"Huna."

"Candyshipping."

"Larcissa."

"That's enough, I get it," Hermione was still trying to figure out what half the names meant. "I think the only way to put this right is to read a fanfiction about all of us." At their horrified looks she continued quickly. "As friends. A friendly friendship fanfiction. Got it?"

They nodded stiffly.

She pulled up Fanfiction and clicked the first one she saw. "How about this one? A sweet story called My Immortal. I'll read out loud."

** 44 Wonderful Chapters Later **

Silence settled upon the group. Friends and enemies were suddenly forgotten as all of them, even Hermione, stared at the laptop with horrified revulsion.

"A bisexual vampire… or was that my name?" asked Harry.

"My you-know-what?" whimpered Draco.

"B'loody Mary Smith?!" Hermione cried.

"Diablo?" asked Ron.

"And don't really mention me at all!" Ginny hissed. "Where is this Ebony prep? Oh Gods… I just called her a prep… we need help."

"Yes," Hermione said in a quivering voice. She pulled out a Muggle device she'd only used rarely. "We need help."

** One Phone Call and an Hour Later **

The therapist walked into the house. It had looked like a normal house on the outside, but now it seemed a little strange. Random objects were moving and there was a clock on the mantle… it wasn't a clock. It was full of faces that were all pointing at 'Lost'. Peculiar…

And then there were the people. Five grown adults all huddling on a small couch in blankets with cups of tea. They looked horrible.

The therapist took a seat in the chair across from them. "So why don't you introduce yourselves? I'm Dr. Wood," – which issued a collected groan from all around the room – "and I'm here to help you…"

"Well," said Hermione who seemed the most stable. "I'm Hermione Weasley. And this is my husband Ronald Weasley and our best friend Harry Potter, then his wife and Ron's sister Ginny Potter and that in the middle our arch nemesis Draco Malfoy."

Dr. Wood blinked then scribbled a note on the pad of paper he'd brought. "Okay. You all appear to be quiet shaken… what's happened?" he pushed his professional-looking glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

In sync, they all glanced at the laptop and said in quiet, ominous voices, "Fanfiction."

"Ah, fanfiction," Dr. Wood nodded. "I see. Give me a moment please." He flipped open his phone and dialed a number. "Yes, I need to cancel the rest of my appointments until – no, longer than that. Not quite that long… now that's just ridiculous. Add 20 seconds… yes. That'll do. Cause? Fanfiction. You don't understand, see… ah, never mind. This will take a while. Um-hum. Yup. Until then. Oh, and tell my wife…. Thanks." He clicked it shut. "Now, where were we?"

"So you're a Muggle therapist, right?" asked Ron.

Dr. Wood wrote something. "And how long has the use of this word been going on? I think if we trace back this behavior-"

"That's not the problem," Hermione interrupted. "Muggle… it's an inside joke. Right guys? Ha, ha." She laughed dryly.

They joined in humorlessly.

"Er… so you read fanfictions. How did they make you feel?"

"Creepy," said Harry.

"Here, here," agreed Ron.

"Death," Draco whimpered, "is all around us."

"Strange," Ginny shuddered.

"Grateful for my name," Hermione sighed.

Dr. Wood had no idea what to do. There had only been stories about Fanfiction cases… and they'd been so rare! Now he was faced with one. "Well, how about you show me what you read?"

** 44 Wonderful Chapters later **

Dr. Wood shook his head. "There is simply nothing I can do here. You are far beyond repair. Good-bye, keep your money. You're probably going to need it." And he left.

Hermione stared after him. "Stupid, simpleminded Muggle," she muttered. "I know what we need to do."

"Not read My Immortal again?" pleaded Draco.

"That's one thing, but here's what we're going to do." She pointed at Ginny and Harry. "You two, look up Hinny and nothing, I repeat, nothing else." She turned to glare at Draco. "You, Malfoy, look up only you and Astoria… sorry, I don't know your couple name. And Ron," she looked at Ron, "we're going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through Romione. Got it? Good! Okay everyone, we can do this!"

By the end of the evening, everyone was back to normal, though Draco would spend the rest of his days avoiding apples like the plague. Hermione offered to cook dinner for everyone and Draco declared he would rather read a Drarry then let the filthy Mudblood cook for him, which is why Ron nearly hexed him out of the house. Ron and Ginny got into a fight over which hex would've looked better on Malfoy all through dinner and by the end of the evening they weren't speaking.

Hermione smiled as she watched Harry and Ginny leaving. Yep, everything was back to normal.

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