Disclaimer: I have no delusions of grandeur.
AN: I haven't specified which character these thoughts are coming from; nor do I intend to. However, if someone guesses and finds themselves really needing to confirm their guess, I will tell them. As per norm with my one shot fics, there is a poem at the end. Enjoy!
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Seek the Shadows Looking for the Light
By: Nimerin
I'm alone.
I am surrounded by people; but I am more alone then anyone could possibly fathom.
I've been alone for awhile now. I think it is my fault though. They just don't know me.
It is mostly my fault that they don't really. I did it, I'm the one that erected this impossible barrier.
They haven't noticed yet. Am I really that good an actor? Maybe I should take up a career; if they believe I'm okay then I must be pretty damn convincing.
Well, maybe they don't think I am okay. Some things are bound to leave scars. But they don't see how really lost I am.
I can't tell them about myself. I just don't know. I don't know who I am. How could I explain it to them?
"Oh, tell you something about myself? Okay… well, for starters I have no clue what I want out of anything or why I even bother to care that I don't know."
Why do I care? What difference does it make if I'm confused. Aren't most people?
But most people really want something out of life; they know what it is or at least have an idea. I don't. I just don't know enough about myself to know what it is I could possibly want.
That's it I guess. That's what I want out of life; the ability to understand myself, or at least to accept who I am without any questions.
It's not fair. I know it's not supposed to be; but STILL. Why can I figure most people out but I am stumped when it comes to myself? Shouldn't I know myself better than anyone else?
But really, in the end what do any of us know? It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of me. It doesn't even really matter what I think of me. Truth is, whether I figure myself out or not, this is still going to be who I am. Not like I can change it. I don't even know where I would begin.
Where do I begin and where do I end? I have my limits I know I do, simply because everyone does; but I don't even know what they are.
I'm not scared of my ending. Though, I don't really know why. Have I even really begun? You can't fear the ending of something you haven't started. Can you? Do I?
I don't know! I pity the person that attempts to understand me. Its not like I could ever offer them any insight.
Ask me about anything else but myself and I think I could come up with a clear argument one way or another.
Why do I have I have to conflict with myself so equally? I feel as though I am in exact balance with each and of every possible personality trait; so why am I so conflicted?
I should be happy that I am a little bit of everything. I think most people are.
Equal blessing, equal curse. Light and dark. Day and night.
So, why is it so hard late at night when everyone else is sleeping? Why do I feel like I seek the shadows looking for the light?
I'm lonely. I know I am. But it isn't in the traditional sense.
I miss myself.
I knew who I was at one point in my life. When I was younger and everything was so simple. Why did that part of me have to leave?
I can't figure this out alone.
It is too big for me. I need help. I need someone to help me.
But, I'm not ready. I can't let down my barrier yet. I am afraid. I probably always will be.
The world can be so harsh. So cold. I think that is how I ended up in this confused state to begin with.
How can I open myself up to it again?
I don't want to get hurt. That would be worse than not knowing. Worse then being lonely.
Wouldn't it?
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I tell no one
I have closed myself off
No one knows all of me
They only see pieces
Enough to think
I am a whole person
But not enough
To show them I am broken
I know I will never
Lead the life I really want
I know I could never
Be the person I want to be
Because I just don't know
Anything about me
I know I still cling to hope
Strong hope
False hope
Or so my rational side tells me
I do not fear death
Nor do I welcome it
I will cling to life
Not out of fear
But hope that someday
I'll wake up to something better
That I'll just wake up
I am broken
And you will never see
Because it was you
Who helped to shatter me.
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AN: Okay, for starters I realize this isn't exactly a very upbeat little thing. Actually I find it kind of depressing, but then its three thirty a.m. and I am operating off of four hours sleep; right now I find everything that is part of the waking world depressing. I tend to get borderline insightful and angst filled when I get off of my caffeine highs on days like this. Writing this is helping ease me into sleep. I hope you enjoyed it; but with the tone of it, I would be very pleased if you didn't harbor any loathing towards it. Please review and let me know what you think.