Superlative Attraction
By Angela's Ashes
Hi everyone! I'm a newbie to ff.net. There's so much talent out here, I'll try not to suck too much. This is my first fic, and it came to me whilst eating Ben 'n' Jerry's Phish Food (yum!) So, this is all a bit of a frozen sugar-induced. The song I've used is War of Nerves, by All Saints. They're not my favourite band (far from it in fact) but this song is really cool, and love it. It's loaded with subtle depression (if that can happen), and it's one of those mellow out songs I'm really into. But enough of that! This fic is quite flashback heavy too, but it's pretty easy to tell what's what. Flashbacks are written in 3rd, past.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Whoa. That was depressing.
Warning: Contains a lime(ish) description between two guys. YES. Two GUYS. Yuh-huh! My fave digi-pairing! Taito! strikes very Sailor Moon pose ...Sorry.... Don't like? Then, by all means, ignore it, and go read something else. I'm not forcing you to stay. So without further ado, let's get on with this! pumps air
~Monday on the line~
Such a lazy summer day.. Way too hot to move, let alone breathe.... Lazy, but beautiful... All one could do was sit in the park and reflect.. But for me, that's the last thing I want to do...
~When you know that now's the time~
What's that saying? "Memories are designed to fade"? ..Well, it's officially a load of bollocks, by my standards. Memories don't fade. They stay there, in some part of your brain that science hasn't managed to find. Parts of me wish they had, so that I could have it surgically removed.
~To leave and be free~
You're asking what my problem is? I'll tell you what my problem is. My problem is aged twenty-eight years old. It has almost Swedish blond hair, and salient blue eyes. It's of an impressively feminine stature... Incredibly beauteous. It's bewitching, kind of. If you believe in the supernatural, that's what it is. That's what he is.
~Aware of your destiny~
As I lie back to regard the fountain that is trickling quietly ahead of me, I realise that walking out of that kissaten was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Recalling it brings a sharp pang of guilt to my already aching cerebrum, as well as a new coating of moisture over my eyes.
~When that moment arrives~
A young man, at the tender age of eighteen, was zealously waiting for his best friend to drop by his apartment and pick him up. They were going to see a movie together, with a group of their other friends, and his sister had already left, not wanting to hang about for her brother.
"God, I hope I don't act like a dick in front of him..." The young man mumbled to himself as he painstakingly arranged his hair. It was coming down tonight. Using mega amounts of wax, Yagami Taichi managed to scrap everything round his head, framing his face into a picture of innocence.
"Aw, crap. I look about twelve!" He sighed, as he snapped the lip-lid shut. "Ah well. He's gonna be here soon. I don't really have time to do anything else.." Just as the words left his lips, the doorbell conveniently rang.
"Aw, shit! I'm not even dressed!" Taichi swore, gathering the skimpy towel round his waist, and hopping to the door to let his friend in.
~Wild visions through the night~
Sometimes I wish I hadn't let him in.. Sometimes I wish I hadn't ever agreed to go to the stupid movie... Although we never went, that's true... Then again, I wouldn't have had that experience, either...
~And all I see~
Ishida Yamato just stood there. His expression unreadable; no signs of life detectable. Taichi began to worry about his friend.
"Yamato? Matt? YAMATO ISHIDA!" He called, waving his hand in front his zoned-out companion.
"Whu?" Said boy replied, as he came to. Taichi's troubled countenance eased, and a rather wide grin replaced it.
"You spaced out there, buddy! Come on inside. I'm sorry I'm not ready. Hikari was taking ages in the bathroom, and you know what happens with girls in the bathroom.." He bantered, guiding his stylishly clothed friend into the lounging area.
"Y-yeah.." The blond replied weakly. "Um, Taichi, could I have a glass of water? My throat feels a little dry.."
"'Course man!" Taichi shot the other boy another high-energy smile, before hopping off to the kitchenette to fetch the requested beverage.
~Is what used to be~
I could feel his gaze on me. And it was strong. I always knew he had piercing eyes, but, man, that was like someone had put a glass lens in front of them! ..I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the attention.. Well, I didn't realise then, of course...
~My life could soon~
"So, um, you're, errr.. You're not dressed. Um, we.. We might be a little.. Late for the movie...." Yamato stuttered. Quickly swigging the rest of the water, he set the glass down on a coffee table.
"Damn.. Stupid Hikari... Oh well. Is there anything you want to do instead?" Taichi asked, rubbing his arms a bit. It was chilly in the apartment, and he wasn't wearing much.
"Actually..." The blond began quietly, "actually, I was hoping to talk to you.. We don't speak a lot nowadays, because of my band, and your soccer..."
"Okay! But can I just get a shirt on please? I won't be long."
~Be a memory~
I wasn't long. In fact, I don't recall ever getting changed so quickly in my life. I don't know why I hurried. Maybe it was just because I had a guest round and didn't want to keep them waiting. But, I can't help thinking a part of me knew what he was going to say..... And wanted to hear it....
~I don't ever want to feel pain~
Skidding round the corner of the apartment, and crashing into the sofa's arm, Taichi flopped down next to his friend, slightly out of breath.
"So," He managed to sigh out between shallow pants. "what did you want to say?" Taichi saw the blond redden, as his paler, but well-defined face turned southwards. Quickly, he caught the other boy's chin, stopping his head from slipping further. "Hey," He began softly, a gentle smile gracing his lips. "if you dip your head any lower, it's gonna sink into the couch! Now.. Tell me what's wrong."
"There's nothing wrong..." Yamato squeaked out.
"Yes, there is, or you wouldn't be dipping your head so." Taichi smiled at his logic. Ever so faintly, Yamato soughed.
~Wanna be ready when you call my name~
He was so meek. Like a little boy... I'd always known him to be as strong-willed and as stubborn as me, but that night... My whole opinion on him shifted back and forth too many times for me to count. I lost track after five.... But he was so positive; so....sure. There were no insecurities then. Every impediment was washed over by tides of sentiment...
~I don't ever wanna feel fear~
Slicked, blond bangs pressed against the, now covered, chest.
"Oh Tai, I'm so bloody sorry! I couldn't stop it! You...You were..just....there...." Yamato sniffed through his shame-ridden sobs.
"Shush.. What? What are you sorry about? I don't think you've done anything wrong..." The brunet said, rocking his precious, light-framed intimate back and forth, in a motion more gentle and supporting than his voice.
"But I have!" Yamato wailed. "I've been such a lousy friend! You've always been there for me, and what....I have to ruin it by being selfish!"
"Calm down Matt, and tell me what you're talking about."
~Cuz every night~
At first I thought he was hysterical. Or mad. Maybe even both. Then I realised he was serious. I didn't want to laugh- that would be cruel, but for a fleeting second, sheer incredulousness was pounding my head to the point of near-breaking. After the unseen humour had left, I felt pity. I don't why. This boy had just told me he loved me, and I pitied him? Where was my prideful arrogance to tell him what good taste he had? Where was my high-octane laugh to lift the mood out the dank pit of depression? I don't know either. All I felt was pity.
~Feels all right~
"Tai? Taichi, please say something. Even if you think I'm scum, and never want to see me again, just tell me. That blank look is scaring..."
"You. Love. Me." The dark-haired one said, interuptting Yamato babble. It was more of a statement than a question. After all, the fact had already been shared. Taichi's tone of voice was indistinct. More border-lining shock than disgust. More surprise than anger. More...happiness than hate. But still, it was unreadable.
"Yes..." Yamato answered quietly.
"How long for?" Taichi asked, his own head facing his lap.
"The past few years...I'm sorry.." Yamato answered, desperately trying to stop any tears from squeezing past. He didn't want Taichi to think he was a baby. Finally, Taichi lifted his head, a slight smile curving his mouth.
"Why do you keep apologising? It's something you had no control over. And... I'm flattered that you've chosen to give your heart to me." A fair head shot up.
"Y-you are?!"
"Mm-hm. And...." The brunet boy slid closer to his shaking companion, taking his youthfully soft face into his own tanned hands "I...want to make you happy...."
"T-Taichi...."
"Nope. I'm not hearing any arguments Yamato. I want.... I want to learn to love you. I think I can. If you'd be willing to give me a chance." A pair of sparkling brown eyes connected with reconditely blue ones, closely followed by pairs of lips...
~When you're near~
I don't know why the hell I kissed him. But how the hell was I supposed to know that it would lead to us getting into my parents' bed together? I'm not denying the fact it was a wonderful experience. It was earth-shattering. I've never got that from any of my other partners- male or female. A kiss. A simple kiss. That's what got us, to put it bluntly, fucking like rabbits in the middle of Springtime. But it wasn't just hormonal. There was something deeper in there. Somewhere, deep inside, I did love him, though it only came out in a fit of passion.
~Battle through this war of nerves~
"Matt? Are you awake?" Taichi prodded his, obviously, sleeping friend in his bare ribs.
"Uhn.... Well thanks to you, yes, I am now.." Yamato replied rather crankily.
"Sorry. It's just....... I think we should talk..." The mussed blond sat up a bit more.
"About?"
"What do you think, dumbass? ..About...us." Taichi replied, the volume dropping at the 'us' "I mean, we're not even dating!" Yamato chuckled a little.
"So the hard-ass leader does have morals!"
"Yeah, and a conscience too. I'd hate to go back on all of that stuff I said. I'd hate for you to feel... Well, used."
"Yeah," Yamato said, taking one of Taichi's hands and planting a small kiss on its upside. "I know. Thanks for caring. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for making me feel like a millionaire, Taichi. I owe you a lot."
"Think nothing of it. Now, let's get some sleep!"
~When your life, it takes a turn~
The next few months were great. It was really exciting, because our parents didn't know about us, and I don't think they would have approved, but we didn't care. Because we had each other. We had each other. Every time I say that phrase over in my head, it makes me want to cry like a big, fat baby. It's so sweetly cliched; so sickeningly true, that it makes me want to scream.
~And what I have is what I fear~
Taichi was bored. Yamato wasn't due to come round to his apartment for another half hour or so, and there wasn't much he could do in such a relatively short space of time. He settled down to watch the television, contemplating what had taken place over the past few months. Taichi smiled as he recollected. Stuff the fast cars, and good food. Just skip to the mind-blowing sex. Taichi had been with girls- and even one or two guys- but no-one could compare to Yamato. He was the perfect lover. He made the right noises at exactly the right time, he touched Taichi in just the right places, making him literally beg for more. But was that all it was? Was there any real romance? The mushy crap that you see in films and read in books? Taichi sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. Yamato had told him he loved him- and he showed it too. All of the little gifts, 'just because' Yamato wanted to buy them... The flowers, the quiet evenings in together, just sharing each other's company...Yamato had even said than one of his favourite hobbies was listening to Taichi's heartbeat while he slept. Disgustingly sappy as it sounded, it was Yamato's way of showing he cared for the other young man. But what was Taichi doing in return, that wasn't physical? The answer was not much. Sure, they went out to dinner together, and then went to see a movie or something, but they could do that as friends. Taichi was seriously starting to doubt the progressiveness of their supposed relationship.
~While in my mind~
I was seriously considering breaking up with him over the next couple of weeks. But every time I called him, or saw his face, I just couldn't do it. It'd be like seeing a child playing with their favourite pet, then going up to it, with a big fat gun, and shooting it square between the eyeballs. I would have been a right, cold hearted little bastard if I did that... So I let it fester. Which made the situation about a hundred times worse. And a million times harder.
~You're lying here~
Yamato was sitting in the local kissaten, thinking about his boyfriend. Taichi.. After so long, Taichi was finally his. He knew that he was just sitting there, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and the other patrons were, no doubt, giving him odd looks. But he didn't give a damn. All he gave a damn about was Taichi, and how important he was to him. He was supposed to be meeting that overt beauty for some reason in about five minutes. He'd been sitting there for the past half hour preparing. Preparing for what he wanted to say. Taichi, had been a little more withdrawn lately. The loudmouth, energetic side, had dimmed to become rather sullen and lethargic. But Yamato was about to fix that, and put the ever-ready smile back where it belonged.
~Fear that unholy dread~
Never had I been more nervous in my life. It was the time to tell Yamato my thoughts. They'd been pissing with my head for the past week, and I couldn't stand it any more. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again, or if he tipped scalding hot coffee over my groin. All I was focusing on was getting rid of the little demon bastards inside of my head, which were driving me fucking crazy. I steeled myself as I entered the kissaten. I could see him in the corner. His favourite spot- it was closest to the jukebox. He was bobbing his head to the music that was playing, and smiling. I almost turned around and ran away. I really couldn't face destroying him like that. Pfft. Crest of bloody Courage, my arse.
~There'a piece of me in all he said~
"Tai-chan!" Yamato called happily, as he embraced his solemn lover. Inside Tai winced at the pet name. It was yet another sign of Yamato's undying affection for him. An affection that he couldn't return on a grand enough scale to call it quits.
"Hello Yamato." Taichi said as he sat down. Yamato's smile quickly disappeared when his partner used his full name. Taichi was looking so grave. It was an expression that unnerved him greatly. One that he used to use himself. One that he abandoned because it brought no good. "Please, sit Yamato. I wish to speak with you about a rather important matter that has been on my mind for a long time now, and I am wondering why I did not share it with you prior to this meeting."
"Okay." Yamato said meekly. Taichi was using his full name again. He'd never called him Yama-chan. Not ever. And 'Matt' came more often when they were friends, than when they were more ardently involved. And the language. That formal tone of voice, teeming with gentle authority. More like he was talking to a business client, than an admirer.
~All kinds of weird stuff~
I could tell he thought I was going to say something bad. The formality of my speech was bad enough... I hated doing this. I hated every goddamn second of it. I hated me for being such a prick for letting it get this far, and this bad. But most of all I hated Yamato. For being so loving and trusting. So innocent and naive. Couldn't he see the nasty gaps in our "relationship"? The fucking great big potholes that were swallowing us up in great, big chunks? No, he couldn't. And what he had planned made me feel almost suicidal...
~Inside my head~
"Go ahead..I'm listening. You know I'll listen to whatever you say Tai, because I love you." Yamato said gently, taking his beloved's right hand in his and placing it against his face, rubbing his head against it affectionately.
"Yeah. I know. That's what I want to talk to you about. Our love. I'm... I'm..starting to....have...doubts...." At the word 'doubts', Yamato stopped his affectionate rubbing and froze. His eyes remained open and almost bulged out of his head. Slowly he lifted them to regard the handsome man sitting beside him, then dropped them again.
"Y-y-you said w-w-what?" His voice trembling and swaying. It sounded small and distant even in Yamato's own head.
"I mean, it's not you. It is actually me. This isn't just a lame cop out excuse! You're so affectionate and loving..." Taichi reached out to stroke Yamato's face, but the blond whipped his head away. "..And I don't think I'm what you need. I'm too fast Yama-chan." There was the pet name he'd been waiting so long to hear. Too bad it had to be under the ending circumstances, and not the more intimate ones.
~The stage fright in my own bed~
Ouch. Yowser. The head thing? That hurt. Even though I was expecting that kind of stubborn reaction from him, it still felt like a royal kick-in-the-crown-jewels. Then again, that's what I deserved. I was such an ass, leading him on like that. I should have told him I was fast....
~I don't ever wanna feel pain~
"WHAT?!" Yamato shouted, rising up from the chair so fast, it toppled over, making the most horrendous noise on the marbled floor.
"I'm sorry!" Taichi cried, trying to stem the blond's apparent rage.
"Do you think I'm some kind of toy?!"
"N-n-no.."
"BUT YOU SAID YOU GOT BORED OF ME!!! YOU ONLY GET BORED OF FUCKING TOYS, TAICHI!!!" Yamato shouted, attracting the attention of the other patrons.
"Matt.. Yama-chan... Listen to me.."
"No Tai. I've done enough listening for today. I've done enough listening. It's my turn to talk. Before you told me this shit, I was ready to propose to you." Cue one startled gasp from a rather guilty Taichi. "That's right everyone, I wanted to ask this asshole to marry me, because I thought I meant something to him!" Yamato said, addressing the rest of the patrons. He paused to take out a silver plated ring box, with the words 'Dum spiro; spero' engraved on its lid. He opened it with tears in his eyes, and took out the exquisite white gold ring. "Here, you motherfucker. Read it." Yamato handed the box to Taichi, who was still startled by the whole charade.
"Um...." Taichi muttered, struggling to find his tongue. He felt hopelessly out of control. This wasn't going according to plan at all. "It says 'To my darling Taichi. Where there is life; There is hope. You are my life, and give me reason to hope. Love eternally strong, Yamato.'.... Matt..... I don't know what to say..." Taichi said, lifting his eyes towards the dejected blond.
"Don't..Say. Anything..... Just... Go. Take the ring and get out of my sight...." Matt whispered hoarsely. Although his face was buried amongst his arms, Taichi could see the man was crying.
~Wanna be ready when you call my name~
God. I've never been so disgusted with myself. Is it possible to think you have a part of Satan in you? Seriously? Cuz I think I do. I felt like the most evil little shit in the universe. The ring box.. Dear Jesus. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Funny how they can do that. Words brought tears to Yamato's eyes, but for a totally different reason than my own. I can remember him throwing the ring at me with so little care...It hit me flat in the chest and I cradled it.... Then it hit me... That was single-handedly the most stupid thing I'd ever done. I admit, I've done some bad shit in my time. The time when I forced Agumon to digivolve. Man, that went wrong. But I'd rather sit through that three hundred times over than be haunted by that picture of purest despondency. His face... Oh god. I can't think anymore.....
~I don't ever wanna feel fear~
I obeyed his wish. I turned round and left, not daring to look back, for fear of breaking down on the floor and sobbing until I died of dehydration. Proudly, I strode out of that kissaten, taking with me, memories of a soul that had been given freely, and which I had thrown back in the owner's face like a spoiled little bitch.
~Cuz every night
Feels all right
When you're near~
I don't live in Japan any more. I couldn't face the possibility of seeing him again. It's true, I miss family; friends. I heard Hikari had a baby. I don't know who the father is, but I hope to god it's not Takeru. I couldn't cope with a constant reminder of Yamato. It'd probably make me related to him.
~Don't wanna be like a voice without words
Cuz I need you here with me~
The thing is, even though I'm probably a thousand miles away from him, I feel like he's sitting right next to me. Lying there, looking at me, with all the love one could possible hope to receive. Only I won't be the one receiving it.... I never will be again.despite what I did, I do love him. Only him. Too bad I only realise it now. "Never know what you've got till it's gone" I mutter to myself. And the horribly ironic thing, is that it's so far away from a lie.
~Don't wanna be alone in this world
Now that I suppress my fear~
America wasn't far enough, so I moved to a place called Somerset, in England. It's about as far away from Japan as I'm going to get, so it'll have to do. My only luck will be that Yamato decides to take a break here.
~Don't wanna be
This war of nerves~
Hmm.... There's the bell. I'd better get back to class. Won't be setting a very good example for my students if I'm late. I'm the tutor, after all. I know girls have crushes on me. Some of my colleagues even say that a few of the boys stare at me in the practical P.E. Lessons, but I don't care. I'd never get involved. I don't want to love anything anymore......
~I don't ever wanna feel pain
Wanna be ready when you call my name~
Aw, damn. I've been crying. I've gotta clean up before people start asking questions. I've got a meeting with the Vice as well. I've never seen him. Apparently, he's a very bitter man. Oh well. Maybe I'll get the sack. This is a dead-end job anyway.
~I don't ever wanna feel fear
Cuz every night~
I'm standing outside of the Vice's office. Even tutors have to wait in line with the posh 'red light, green light' system. Oop. It's my turn. Wish me luck.
~Feels all right
When you're near~
I step into the fresh smelling office with my head down, as it so often is these days. Don't have much of a reason to keep it up anymore. I have no hope. Not even the, now tarnished, ring and box. The office. White. Newly decorated, I sense. Well, it is a new establishment.....
~I don't ever wanna feel pain
I'm feeling hurt, but I feel no shame~
......But I look up as I hear the weighed, bass line voice.
~I don't ever wanna feel fear
Do I deserve~
"Hello Taichi....."
~These cruel words
We have here?~
Corpus Christi! Crap or WHAT?! Even I wasn't expecting it to be that crap! Talk about cliché overdose! And I bet you didn't see that ending coming! Oh yeah, you did!! Har har!! That was rubbish... Yick. I hate it. Oh well. I'm gonna get flamed for this one. Worse than that, no reviews at all, it's that crap. Oh well. First fic. I make mistakes, I learn from them..... sighs in depression ...Suddenly, my sugar rush has gone....
@---- Angela's Ashes ----@
By Angela's Ashes
Hi everyone! I'm a newbie to ff.net. There's so much talent out here, I'll try not to suck too much. This is my first fic, and it came to me whilst eating Ben 'n' Jerry's Phish Food (yum!) So, this is all a bit of a frozen sugar-induced. The song I've used is War of Nerves, by All Saints. They're not my favourite band (far from it in fact) but this song is really cool, and love it. It's loaded with subtle depression (if that can happen), and it's one of those mellow out songs I'm really into. But enough of that! This fic is quite flashback heavy too, but it's pretty easy to tell what's what. Flashbacks are written in 3rd, past.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Whoa. That was depressing.
Warning: Contains a lime(ish) description between two guys. YES. Two GUYS. Yuh-huh! My fave digi-pairing! Taito! strikes very Sailor Moon pose ...Sorry.... Don't like? Then, by all means, ignore it, and go read something else. I'm not forcing you to stay. So without further ado, let's get on with this! pumps air
~Monday on the line~
Such a lazy summer day.. Way too hot to move, let alone breathe.... Lazy, but beautiful... All one could do was sit in the park and reflect.. But for me, that's the last thing I want to do...
~When you know that now's the time~
What's that saying? "Memories are designed to fade"? ..Well, it's officially a load of bollocks, by my standards. Memories don't fade. They stay there, in some part of your brain that science hasn't managed to find. Parts of me wish they had, so that I could have it surgically removed.
~To leave and be free~
You're asking what my problem is? I'll tell you what my problem is. My problem is aged twenty-eight years old. It has almost Swedish blond hair, and salient blue eyes. It's of an impressively feminine stature... Incredibly beauteous. It's bewitching, kind of. If you believe in the supernatural, that's what it is. That's what he is.
~Aware of your destiny~
As I lie back to regard the fountain that is trickling quietly ahead of me, I realise that walking out of that kissaten was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Recalling it brings a sharp pang of guilt to my already aching cerebrum, as well as a new coating of moisture over my eyes.
~When that moment arrives~
A young man, at the tender age of eighteen, was zealously waiting for his best friend to drop by his apartment and pick him up. They were going to see a movie together, with a group of their other friends, and his sister had already left, not wanting to hang about for her brother.
"God, I hope I don't act like a dick in front of him..." The young man mumbled to himself as he painstakingly arranged his hair. It was coming down tonight. Using mega amounts of wax, Yagami Taichi managed to scrap everything round his head, framing his face into a picture of innocence.
"Aw, crap. I look about twelve!" He sighed, as he snapped the lip-lid shut. "Ah well. He's gonna be here soon. I don't really have time to do anything else.." Just as the words left his lips, the doorbell conveniently rang.
"Aw, shit! I'm not even dressed!" Taichi swore, gathering the skimpy towel round his waist, and hopping to the door to let his friend in.
~Wild visions through the night~
Sometimes I wish I hadn't let him in.. Sometimes I wish I hadn't ever agreed to go to the stupid movie... Although we never went, that's true... Then again, I wouldn't have had that experience, either...
~And all I see~
Ishida Yamato just stood there. His expression unreadable; no signs of life detectable. Taichi began to worry about his friend.
"Yamato? Matt? YAMATO ISHIDA!" He called, waving his hand in front his zoned-out companion.
"Whu?" Said boy replied, as he came to. Taichi's troubled countenance eased, and a rather wide grin replaced it.
"You spaced out there, buddy! Come on inside. I'm sorry I'm not ready. Hikari was taking ages in the bathroom, and you know what happens with girls in the bathroom.." He bantered, guiding his stylishly clothed friend into the lounging area.
"Y-yeah.." The blond replied weakly. "Um, Taichi, could I have a glass of water? My throat feels a little dry.."
"'Course man!" Taichi shot the other boy another high-energy smile, before hopping off to the kitchenette to fetch the requested beverage.
~Is what used to be~
I could feel his gaze on me. And it was strong. I always knew he had piercing eyes, but, man, that was like someone had put a glass lens in front of them! ..I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the attention.. Well, I didn't realise then, of course...
~My life could soon~
"So, um, you're, errr.. You're not dressed. Um, we.. We might be a little.. Late for the movie...." Yamato stuttered. Quickly swigging the rest of the water, he set the glass down on a coffee table.
"Damn.. Stupid Hikari... Oh well. Is there anything you want to do instead?" Taichi asked, rubbing his arms a bit. It was chilly in the apartment, and he wasn't wearing much.
"Actually..." The blond began quietly, "actually, I was hoping to talk to you.. We don't speak a lot nowadays, because of my band, and your soccer..."
"Okay! But can I just get a shirt on please? I won't be long."
~Be a memory~
I wasn't long. In fact, I don't recall ever getting changed so quickly in my life. I don't know why I hurried. Maybe it was just because I had a guest round and didn't want to keep them waiting. But, I can't help thinking a part of me knew what he was going to say..... And wanted to hear it....
~I don't ever want to feel pain~
Skidding round the corner of the apartment, and crashing into the sofa's arm, Taichi flopped down next to his friend, slightly out of breath.
"So," He managed to sigh out between shallow pants. "what did you want to say?" Taichi saw the blond redden, as his paler, but well-defined face turned southwards. Quickly, he caught the other boy's chin, stopping his head from slipping further. "Hey," He began softly, a gentle smile gracing his lips. "if you dip your head any lower, it's gonna sink into the couch! Now.. Tell me what's wrong."
"There's nothing wrong..." Yamato squeaked out.
"Yes, there is, or you wouldn't be dipping your head so." Taichi smiled at his logic. Ever so faintly, Yamato soughed.
~Wanna be ready when you call my name~
He was so meek. Like a little boy... I'd always known him to be as strong-willed and as stubborn as me, but that night... My whole opinion on him shifted back and forth too many times for me to count. I lost track after five.... But he was so positive; so....sure. There were no insecurities then. Every impediment was washed over by tides of sentiment...
~I don't ever wanna feel fear~
Slicked, blond bangs pressed against the, now covered, chest.
"Oh Tai, I'm so bloody sorry! I couldn't stop it! You...You were..just....there...." Yamato sniffed through his shame-ridden sobs.
"Shush.. What? What are you sorry about? I don't think you've done anything wrong..." The brunet said, rocking his precious, light-framed intimate back and forth, in a motion more gentle and supporting than his voice.
"But I have!" Yamato wailed. "I've been such a lousy friend! You've always been there for me, and what....I have to ruin it by being selfish!"
"Calm down Matt, and tell me what you're talking about."
~Cuz every night~
At first I thought he was hysterical. Or mad. Maybe even both. Then I realised he was serious. I didn't want to laugh- that would be cruel, but for a fleeting second, sheer incredulousness was pounding my head to the point of near-breaking. After the unseen humour had left, I felt pity. I don't why. This boy had just told me he loved me, and I pitied him? Where was my prideful arrogance to tell him what good taste he had? Where was my high-octane laugh to lift the mood out the dank pit of depression? I don't know either. All I felt was pity.
~Feels all right~
"Tai? Taichi, please say something. Even if you think I'm scum, and never want to see me again, just tell me. That blank look is scaring..."
"You. Love. Me." The dark-haired one said, interuptting Yamato babble. It was more of a statement than a question. After all, the fact had already been shared. Taichi's tone of voice was indistinct. More border-lining shock than disgust. More surprise than anger. More...happiness than hate. But still, it was unreadable.
"Yes..." Yamato answered quietly.
"How long for?" Taichi asked, his own head facing his lap.
"The past few years...I'm sorry.." Yamato answered, desperately trying to stop any tears from squeezing past. He didn't want Taichi to think he was a baby. Finally, Taichi lifted his head, a slight smile curving his mouth.
"Why do you keep apologising? It's something you had no control over. And... I'm flattered that you've chosen to give your heart to me." A fair head shot up.
"Y-you are?!"
"Mm-hm. And...." The brunet boy slid closer to his shaking companion, taking his youthfully soft face into his own tanned hands "I...want to make you happy...."
"T-Taichi...."
"Nope. I'm not hearing any arguments Yamato. I want.... I want to learn to love you. I think I can. If you'd be willing to give me a chance." A pair of sparkling brown eyes connected with reconditely blue ones, closely followed by pairs of lips...
~When you're near~
I don't know why the hell I kissed him. But how the hell was I supposed to know that it would lead to us getting into my parents' bed together? I'm not denying the fact it was a wonderful experience. It was earth-shattering. I've never got that from any of my other partners- male or female. A kiss. A simple kiss. That's what got us, to put it bluntly, fucking like rabbits in the middle of Springtime. But it wasn't just hormonal. There was something deeper in there. Somewhere, deep inside, I did love him, though it only came out in a fit of passion.
~Battle through this war of nerves~
"Matt? Are you awake?" Taichi prodded his, obviously, sleeping friend in his bare ribs.
"Uhn.... Well thanks to you, yes, I am now.." Yamato replied rather crankily.
"Sorry. It's just....... I think we should talk..." The mussed blond sat up a bit more.
"About?"
"What do you think, dumbass? ..About...us." Taichi replied, the volume dropping at the 'us' "I mean, we're not even dating!" Yamato chuckled a little.
"So the hard-ass leader does have morals!"
"Yeah, and a conscience too. I'd hate to go back on all of that stuff I said. I'd hate for you to feel... Well, used."
"Yeah," Yamato said, taking one of Taichi's hands and planting a small kiss on its upside. "I know. Thanks for caring. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for making me feel like a millionaire, Taichi. I owe you a lot."
"Think nothing of it. Now, let's get some sleep!"
~When your life, it takes a turn~
The next few months were great. It was really exciting, because our parents didn't know about us, and I don't think they would have approved, but we didn't care. Because we had each other. We had each other. Every time I say that phrase over in my head, it makes me want to cry like a big, fat baby. It's so sweetly cliched; so sickeningly true, that it makes me want to scream.
~And what I have is what I fear~
Taichi was bored. Yamato wasn't due to come round to his apartment for another half hour or so, and there wasn't much he could do in such a relatively short space of time. He settled down to watch the television, contemplating what had taken place over the past few months. Taichi smiled as he recollected. Stuff the fast cars, and good food. Just skip to the mind-blowing sex. Taichi had been with girls- and even one or two guys- but no-one could compare to Yamato. He was the perfect lover. He made the right noises at exactly the right time, he touched Taichi in just the right places, making him literally beg for more. But was that all it was? Was there any real romance? The mushy crap that you see in films and read in books? Taichi sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. Yamato had told him he loved him- and he showed it too. All of the little gifts, 'just because' Yamato wanted to buy them... The flowers, the quiet evenings in together, just sharing each other's company...Yamato had even said than one of his favourite hobbies was listening to Taichi's heartbeat while he slept. Disgustingly sappy as it sounded, it was Yamato's way of showing he cared for the other young man. But what was Taichi doing in return, that wasn't physical? The answer was not much. Sure, they went out to dinner together, and then went to see a movie or something, but they could do that as friends. Taichi was seriously starting to doubt the progressiveness of their supposed relationship.
~While in my mind~
I was seriously considering breaking up with him over the next couple of weeks. But every time I called him, or saw his face, I just couldn't do it. It'd be like seeing a child playing with their favourite pet, then going up to it, with a big fat gun, and shooting it square between the eyeballs. I would have been a right, cold hearted little bastard if I did that... So I let it fester. Which made the situation about a hundred times worse. And a million times harder.
~You're lying here~
Yamato was sitting in the local kissaten, thinking about his boyfriend. Taichi.. After so long, Taichi was finally his. He knew that he was just sitting there, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and the other patrons were, no doubt, giving him odd looks. But he didn't give a damn. All he gave a damn about was Taichi, and how important he was to him. He was supposed to be meeting that overt beauty for some reason in about five minutes. He'd been sitting there for the past half hour preparing. Preparing for what he wanted to say. Taichi, had been a little more withdrawn lately. The loudmouth, energetic side, had dimmed to become rather sullen and lethargic. But Yamato was about to fix that, and put the ever-ready smile back where it belonged.
~Fear that unholy dread~
Never had I been more nervous in my life. It was the time to tell Yamato my thoughts. They'd been pissing with my head for the past week, and I couldn't stand it any more. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again, or if he tipped scalding hot coffee over my groin. All I was focusing on was getting rid of the little demon bastards inside of my head, which were driving me fucking crazy. I steeled myself as I entered the kissaten. I could see him in the corner. His favourite spot- it was closest to the jukebox. He was bobbing his head to the music that was playing, and smiling. I almost turned around and ran away. I really couldn't face destroying him like that. Pfft. Crest of bloody Courage, my arse.
~There'a piece of me in all he said~
"Tai-chan!" Yamato called happily, as he embraced his solemn lover. Inside Tai winced at the pet name. It was yet another sign of Yamato's undying affection for him. An affection that he couldn't return on a grand enough scale to call it quits.
"Hello Yamato." Taichi said as he sat down. Yamato's smile quickly disappeared when his partner used his full name. Taichi was looking so grave. It was an expression that unnerved him greatly. One that he used to use himself. One that he abandoned because it brought no good. "Please, sit Yamato. I wish to speak with you about a rather important matter that has been on my mind for a long time now, and I am wondering why I did not share it with you prior to this meeting."
"Okay." Yamato said meekly. Taichi was using his full name again. He'd never called him Yama-chan. Not ever. And 'Matt' came more often when they were friends, than when they were more ardently involved. And the language. That formal tone of voice, teeming with gentle authority. More like he was talking to a business client, than an admirer.
~All kinds of weird stuff~
I could tell he thought I was going to say something bad. The formality of my speech was bad enough... I hated doing this. I hated every goddamn second of it. I hated me for being such a prick for letting it get this far, and this bad. But most of all I hated Yamato. For being so loving and trusting. So innocent and naive. Couldn't he see the nasty gaps in our "relationship"? The fucking great big potholes that were swallowing us up in great, big chunks? No, he couldn't. And what he had planned made me feel almost suicidal...
~Inside my head~
"Go ahead..I'm listening. You know I'll listen to whatever you say Tai, because I love you." Yamato said gently, taking his beloved's right hand in his and placing it against his face, rubbing his head against it affectionately.
"Yeah. I know. That's what I want to talk to you about. Our love. I'm... I'm..starting to....have...doubts...." At the word 'doubts', Yamato stopped his affectionate rubbing and froze. His eyes remained open and almost bulged out of his head. Slowly he lifted them to regard the handsome man sitting beside him, then dropped them again.
"Y-y-you said w-w-what?" His voice trembling and swaying. It sounded small and distant even in Yamato's own head.
"I mean, it's not you. It is actually me. This isn't just a lame cop out excuse! You're so affectionate and loving..." Taichi reached out to stroke Yamato's face, but the blond whipped his head away. "..And I don't think I'm what you need. I'm too fast Yama-chan." There was the pet name he'd been waiting so long to hear. Too bad it had to be under the ending circumstances, and not the more intimate ones.
~The stage fright in my own bed~
Ouch. Yowser. The head thing? That hurt. Even though I was expecting that kind of stubborn reaction from him, it still felt like a royal kick-in-the-crown-jewels. Then again, that's what I deserved. I was such an ass, leading him on like that. I should have told him I was fast....
~I don't ever wanna feel pain~
"WHAT?!" Yamato shouted, rising up from the chair so fast, it toppled over, making the most horrendous noise on the marbled floor.
"I'm sorry!" Taichi cried, trying to stem the blond's apparent rage.
"Do you think I'm some kind of toy?!"
"N-n-no.."
"BUT YOU SAID YOU GOT BORED OF ME!!! YOU ONLY GET BORED OF FUCKING TOYS, TAICHI!!!" Yamato shouted, attracting the attention of the other patrons.
"Matt.. Yama-chan... Listen to me.."
"No Tai. I've done enough listening for today. I've done enough listening. It's my turn to talk. Before you told me this shit, I was ready to propose to you." Cue one startled gasp from a rather guilty Taichi. "That's right everyone, I wanted to ask this asshole to marry me, because I thought I meant something to him!" Yamato said, addressing the rest of the patrons. He paused to take out a silver plated ring box, with the words 'Dum spiro; spero' engraved on its lid. He opened it with tears in his eyes, and took out the exquisite white gold ring. "Here, you motherfucker. Read it." Yamato handed the box to Taichi, who was still startled by the whole charade.
"Um...." Taichi muttered, struggling to find his tongue. He felt hopelessly out of control. This wasn't going according to plan at all. "It says 'To my darling Taichi. Where there is life; There is hope. You are my life, and give me reason to hope. Love eternally strong, Yamato.'.... Matt..... I don't know what to say..." Taichi said, lifting his eyes towards the dejected blond.
"Don't..Say. Anything..... Just... Go. Take the ring and get out of my sight...." Matt whispered hoarsely. Although his face was buried amongst his arms, Taichi could see the man was crying.
~Wanna be ready when you call my name~
God. I've never been so disgusted with myself. Is it possible to think you have a part of Satan in you? Seriously? Cuz I think I do. I felt like the most evil little shit in the universe. The ring box.. Dear Jesus. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Funny how they can do that. Words brought tears to Yamato's eyes, but for a totally different reason than my own. I can remember him throwing the ring at me with so little care...It hit me flat in the chest and I cradled it.... Then it hit me... That was single-handedly the most stupid thing I'd ever done. I admit, I've done some bad shit in my time. The time when I forced Agumon to digivolve. Man, that went wrong. But I'd rather sit through that three hundred times over than be haunted by that picture of purest despondency. His face... Oh god. I can't think anymore.....
~I don't ever wanna feel fear~
I obeyed his wish. I turned round and left, not daring to look back, for fear of breaking down on the floor and sobbing until I died of dehydration. Proudly, I strode out of that kissaten, taking with me, memories of a soul that had been given freely, and which I had thrown back in the owner's face like a spoiled little bitch.
~Cuz every night
Feels all right
When you're near~
I don't live in Japan any more. I couldn't face the possibility of seeing him again. It's true, I miss family; friends. I heard Hikari had a baby. I don't know who the father is, but I hope to god it's not Takeru. I couldn't cope with a constant reminder of Yamato. It'd probably make me related to him.
~Don't wanna be like a voice without words
Cuz I need you here with me~
The thing is, even though I'm probably a thousand miles away from him, I feel like he's sitting right next to me. Lying there, looking at me, with all the love one could possible hope to receive. Only I won't be the one receiving it.... I never will be again.despite what I did, I do love him. Only him. Too bad I only realise it now. "Never know what you've got till it's gone" I mutter to myself. And the horribly ironic thing, is that it's so far away from a lie.
~Don't wanna be alone in this world
Now that I suppress my fear~
America wasn't far enough, so I moved to a place called Somerset, in England. It's about as far away from Japan as I'm going to get, so it'll have to do. My only luck will be that Yamato decides to take a break here.
~Don't wanna be
This war of nerves~
Hmm.... There's the bell. I'd better get back to class. Won't be setting a very good example for my students if I'm late. I'm the tutor, after all. I know girls have crushes on me. Some of my colleagues even say that a few of the boys stare at me in the practical P.E. Lessons, but I don't care. I'd never get involved. I don't want to love anything anymore......
~I don't ever wanna feel pain
Wanna be ready when you call my name~
Aw, damn. I've been crying. I've gotta clean up before people start asking questions. I've got a meeting with the Vice as well. I've never seen him. Apparently, he's a very bitter man. Oh well. Maybe I'll get the sack. This is a dead-end job anyway.
~I don't ever wanna feel fear
Cuz every night~
I'm standing outside of the Vice's office. Even tutors have to wait in line with the posh 'red light, green light' system. Oop. It's my turn. Wish me luck.
~Feels all right
When you're near~
I step into the fresh smelling office with my head down, as it so often is these days. Don't have much of a reason to keep it up anymore. I have no hope. Not even the, now tarnished, ring and box. The office. White. Newly decorated, I sense. Well, it is a new establishment.....
~I don't ever wanna feel pain
I'm feeling hurt, but I feel no shame~
......But I look up as I hear the weighed, bass line voice.
~I don't ever wanna feel fear
Do I deserve~
"Hello Taichi....."
~These cruel words
We have here?~
Corpus Christi! Crap or WHAT?! Even I wasn't expecting it to be that crap! Talk about cliché overdose! And I bet you didn't see that ending coming! Oh yeah, you did!! Har har!! That was rubbish... Yick. I hate it. Oh well. I'm gonna get flamed for this one. Worse than that, no reviews at all, it's that crap. Oh well. First fic. I make mistakes, I learn from them..... sighs in depression ...Suddenly, my sugar rush has gone....
@---- Angela's Ashes ----@