Homelands

…

Adventure Time!

So, here comes the third in the series. Why is there a third? Because I have too much fun being mean to these characters.

Also, this chapter is mostly fun-time talk, with more world-building than Mashima's ever even tried to do.

And finally, if you haven't read Beneath the Surface or Re:Edoras, then I'll wrap up things and say that Zuri is a succubus that met the Fairy Tail guild and hung around. They're heading for her village as of the end of Re:Edoras.

-FAIRY TAIL-

Erza, Lucy, and Zuri walked through a set of thick forest, slowly making their way past trees, bushes, and hanging vines. Erza and Lucy wore basic jogging outfits to deal with the strain. Zuri wore a bathing suit to better deal with the heat, as dirt and bugs hadn't bothered since she was under fifty.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Silence for a moment.

"Are we there yet?"

"Zuri. You would sure as hell know it before we do," Erza finally snapped.

"Yeah… we're nowhere near it," Zuri said, "We still haven't gotten to the first shore."

"First shore?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah."

"…Elaboration?"

"Oh. Um. Well, see, the succubus village is in the middle of the ruins of the old kingdom or whatever."

"Old kingdoms?" Erza asked, concern evident in her voice.

Zuri nodded, "Ah-huh! It's really old and filthy. Also, it's made of terror most of the time. So, we need to go the most direct route that avoids as much horror terrain as possible."

"M-made of terror…?" Lucy asked, clinging onto Erza.

"Yeah, there's lots of ruins and demons. Big, human-eating ones. Also, generally terrifying magic residue. Some big-time mage threw down there a long time ago. Zexelplexel or something…"

"Zexel- what?" Lucy asked.

"Zeref," Erza said, darkly, "The worst mage in all of history… He utterly annihilated the Pergrande Kingdom, which I presume is what Zuri is talking about."

"Oh yeah, that guy. Yeah, he was kind of a dick."

"Eh? You met him!" Lucy asked.

Zuri stared at the Stellar Spirit Summoner for a moment, "…Yes. I met Zeref. And lived. Me, the weakest thing in the history of ever. That's possible within the bounds of reality."

"Okay, okay!" Lucy shouted, throwing her hands in the air as she increased her pace to get ahead of Zuri, "I get it!"

"I did see some of what he did, firsthand," Zuri said, crossing her arms as she sat down, "My legs are killing me. Let's chill for a second…"

Erza and Lucy stopped and sat down next to the succubus. Lucy gently massaged her legs, sighing in slight relief. Erza put her hands behind her head and laid back. Zuri, meanwhile, decided to conserve energy in a different way by losing her human guise. Her skin regained its pink color, and her basic shape shifted in places, giving her a taller, lankier look.

Lucy leaned forward, resting her head on the palm of her hand, "So, uh, you saw some of what Zeref did?"

Zuri nodded, sighing, "Yeah. It was pretty easy. He was a flashy guy. Loud, massive explosions. Huge, roaring demons. Do you know what it would take to take such a man down?"

"Dragons?" Lucy suggested, questioningly.

"Lots of them. Dragons by the metric assload. Know what's scarier than a megalomaniacal asshat who doesn't know your village exists? Fifty million dragons who don't know your village exists. Try worrying every day that some asshole dragon is gonna sit on the village, and that's the end of everything…"

Lucy and Erza stared, eyes wide, as the succubus ranted. She waved her hands about as she spoke, clapping them together at the word "sit".

"So yeah, Zeref is the ultimate dick. And my childhood was fraught with awful. Imagine that!"

"…childhood?" Erza asked, doing a double-take.

Zuri stretched, rolling her shoulders for a moment. She froze and slowly looked at Erza.

"What, you thought I didn't have a childhood?"

"I… just sorta thought you popped into existence. Or, maybe, I dunno, got created."

Erza sort of shifted her gaze off to the side, trying not to look directly at Zuri. Lucy patted Erza on the back, smiling in amusement at her lover's discomfort.

"No, no, I was made in the natural way."

"That's probably not our natural way, so you'll have to explain," Lucy said, getting out her notepad.

"Why are you taking notes?" Erza whispered.

"Levy wanted to know as much about succubae as possible. Also, this could be good material…"

"Ah. I see."

"Well, uh, I'm not sure just how much you want to know. The last person I told ran away, screaming," Zuri said, nervously touching her index fingers together.

"Aw, come on, it can't be that bad," Lucy said, smiling encouragingly at the succubus.

Erza looked between the temporarily quiet Zuri and her smiling girlfriend. She watched the succubus' nervousness, and noted that she was being uncomfortable around the topic of sex. This had to be bad.

"Well, uh, when a succubus and a succubus think having tinier versions of themselves running around is a good idea, which they usually don't, they have sex. It's mostly like straight sex, except the dong is temporary."

"…And?" Lucy asked, "Is that it? That doesn't sound so bad."

"Oh yeah, I forget that's pretty much sex for you guys, now," Zuri said.

Erza and Lucy both turned scarlet for a moment, staring at Zuri.

"Um. Well, anyways, is there anything else about the succubus sex?" Lucy asked, trying desperately to push the conversation elsewhere.

Zuri got to her feet, dusting off her back, and setting off again. Erza and Lucy followed her after a moment, and the succubus started off again.

"Well, it tends to be in massive orgies. And by tends to be, I mean that they happen every Thursday and Saturday. There's some other stuff to succubus sex, which I really, really don't wanna get into, okay?"

"What day is today?" Erza asked.

"Sunday."

"Then we have three days and then we are getting the hell out," Erza said, firmly.

"I haven't been in one of those in forever, though…"

"Getting. The hell. Out."

"Well… I'm sure I would've just ended up with Fu the whole time, so I guess it's okay to miss it."

"So, um, who's this Fu person?"

"Hey, look, I think we're almost at Porlyusica's house!" Zuri shouted.

"Porlyusica?" Erza asked.

"Yep! Have you heard of her?" Zuri asked.

"Yeah, she kinda made my fake eye. And, seriously now, how do you know Porlyusica and why are we going there?"

"Cuz she's an old friend?" Zuri asked, "Also, she's good at teleport spells?"

"Old friend!" Erza demanded, surprised.

"Yeah, I've kinda wandered around for fifty years in this general non-ruined area. I like Porlyusica. She was a silly girl."

"…you met Porlyusica?" Erza asked, "Why would you go back to her if you've met her!"

"Eh?"

"Given what I know of Porlyusica? She could not have been nice to you!"

Zuri stopped and put both hands on her hips, smirking, "Really?"

Erza paused, before weakly saying, "Well, yeah… she's not that nice to people."

"Really? Is she that bad?" Lucy asked.

"She's… kind of mean, generally. Or at least I've heard. She was nice to me…"

Zuri leaned forward, grinning from ear to ear, "You think Porlyusica is mean to people. That's adorable!"

"I'm not mean to all people. Just humans," Porlyusica said, "They piss me off."

Erza and Lucy whirled around to see the familiar pink-haired hermit, her broom in hand and an aggravated expression plastered on her face.

"…oh, um, sh-should we go?" Lucy stammered.

"Oh, Porly, be nice to them! They're my friends!" Zuri said.

Porlyusica grumbled something unintelligible and full of vitriol. Lucy and Erza nervously took a few steps back, while Zuri nearly tackled the old hermit.

"Awwww it's been forever since I came by here!" Zuri shouted.

"You're not referring to yourself in third person, I see."

"Yeah, I phased that out pretty quick… How goes life out here? Why'd you move out here again?"

"I'm more comfortable here," Porlyusica replied, walking closer to her house, "Well, I suppose you all want to come in."

"That'd be lovely! I want to see how much it's changed! Is the bed still under that hole in the roof?"

Erza and Lucy followed the two old friends, slowly.

"…wait. She… she remembered where Porlyusica's bed was," Erza said.

"That… that means…"

"No," Erza whispered, horrified.

Lucy clapped her hands over her mouth to muffle the scream of terror. Zuri glanced back and grinned.

"You comin' or what? Hurry up! You're being all weird, today…"

"Bah!" Porlyusica grumbled as she opened the door.

-FAIRY TAIL-

Erza smiled at the familiar sights and smells- the wooden table and the wafting potions and herbs, which she affiliated with the wonderful moment that she received her false eye.

Lucy looked at it all, taking it in. She jotted down a few interesting details, such as the burbling cauldron or the odd, glowing crystals.

Zuri, meanwhile, immediately launched into Porlyusica's bed, giggling to herself. The hermit glanced at the succubus, annoyance flickering across her face.

"Always the busybody, dodging into other people's things," Porlyusica grumbled as she approached her cauldron.

"Well, it's kind of in my nature," Zuri said, laughing.

Porlyusica rolled her eyes as she dropped a few herbs into the cauldron and began stirring.

"So, what brings you my way? I assume you need something?"

"What! You think I only visit you when it conveniences me? That I never just stop by to say hi? All those years of friendship and- okay, yeah, I need a teleport spell…"

Porlyusica glared at the succubus, "Mm, alright, Rachel."

"Rachel?" Lucy asked.

"She calls me Rachel," Zuri said, grinning, "She hates Zuri. Or Paizuri."

"The less you say that in my presence, the better off you'll be," Porlyusica snapped.

She leaned over the cauldron and whispered a low chant for a few seconds. The cauldron swirled and gave off a dim light.

"Mm," Porlyusica grumbled, "Very well. I can have a teleport spell for you, soon. Within the hour."

"Usual fee?" Zuri asked, sticking out her tongue, playfully.

"Should… should we go?" Erza asked, her eyes wide.

"I want to bleach out all of the horrible imagery," Lucy said, darkly, clutching at the sides of her head.

Porlyusica waved her broom threateningly at Erza and Lucy, "Bahhh! I'll have you know that Rachel here is a good cook. Her RLR Stew is the best food I've tasted in years."

"RLR?" Lucy asked.

Porlyusica shrugged.

"It doesn't mean anything," Zuri said, grabbing a pillow and hugging it close to her chest, "Just some random letters a friend thought sounded good at the time."

"A friend?"

"I won't suffer any Fu talk in my house," Porlyusica snapped, immediately.

"You've become such a prude," Zuri teased, giving a mock pout.

Porlyusica's eyebrow twitched and she waved her broom at Zuri, "You better get up here with that RLR Stew soon, understood?"

Zuri raised up two fingers, "Swear my virginity on it!"

Porlyusica allowed a small smile at their in-joke for a moment, before she turned back to her cauldron. Erza and Lucy marveled at the brief exchange, turned to one another questioningly, then shrugged, and looked towards Zuri once more.

"Well, there's a few ingredients for RLR Stew here," Zuri said, "So, let's go ahead and gather them. As soon as I get back from the village, I'll come back and make it for you, Porly."

The hermit waved them away dismissively, "Yeah, yeah, I'll have the teleportation spell done up soon enough."

"Thank you, Porly!"

-FAIRY TAIL-

Zuri walked into the forest with a small, tin bucket and a grin on her face. Erza and Lucy followed the succubus, confused.

"So, what's this RLR Stew?" Lucy asked.

"Can't tell you the full recipe. A friend swore me to secrecy, but I can tell you that it involves blackberries. Come along. A full bucket should be plenty!"

"What friend? Is it that Fu we keep hearing about?" Erza asked, crossing her arms.

Zuri bent over right in front of Erza, causing Titania to bump into her. The S-Class Mage, surprised, stumbled back.

"Ah, not a blackberry bush, my bad," Zuri said, standing back up, "So, have either of you known Porlyusica for very long?"

"Well, I met her twice. Once for my eye, once for an errand for the master," Erza said, shrugging.

"Never," Lucy answer, putting her index fingers together, nervously, "She's kind of scary."

"Nah, she's just a little ball of adorable. You should've known her in her younger days. She was a riot. Parties all the time! And her potions of stamina were killer. Hoo…"

"Really? Master Makarov always talked about her with reverence, more than anything…," Erza muttered, shocked.

"I heard about Makarov, actually. Not much. Just that he was a wild child. So, I guess Porly might seem kind of a good kid compared to him. Did he ever tell you about the time he lead a mass panty raid? Oh, Porlyusica didn't take kindly to her 'underthings', as she called them, being displayed in-town. It was not a good year for Makarov, that…"

Erza stared, with wide eyes, "M-Master d-did such a thing…!"

"Doesn't surprise me, the old pervert," Lucy grumbled.

Zuri laughed, quietly, as she dove deeper in the woods. The trio were silent for a few moments, chuckling to themselves at the thought of such a ridiculous adventure. Finally, Zuri let out an exclamation of surprise as she found a nice blackberry bush and set upon it.

The girls began picking, smiling to themselves as they set to throwing blackberries into the bucket, making satisfactory 'plinking' noises for a while.

When it was full, they leisurely walked back to the hermit's cabin, Zuri telling the others of her antics with Porlyusica- such as exploring the woods and finding a vicious bear, or the time Zuri finally dragged Porlyusica into the city with terrible results, until they finally got back to the hermit's cabin.

The pink-haired witch held out the teleportation device, taking the form of a wand, to the trio, glaring at them all.

"That RLR Stew better be soon," she warned.

"It will be, don't worry," Zuri said, grinning.

"Hold onto the wand or someone holding the wand. Think of where you're going, and you'll be there. It can take the three of you there and then back. Then it's spent. Also, be warned that it may not work as desired. There were a couple of ingredients that I had to use substitutes for, as the original ingredients are nearly impossible to acquire without a month's preparation."

"Thanks, Porly! See ya soon, sweetie!" Zuri said, grinning.

"Bah!"

The succubus held up the wand, "Grab on to my waist, girls!"

Erza and Lucy tentatively did as told, staring in concern at the wand. Zuri twirled it for purely theatrical purposes, then held it up higher.

"To my village!"

There was a fizzle and then a pop, and then they were gone. Porlyusica glanced down at the floor, before slapping her hand to her face.

"Ugh. Oh well… they'll manage," Porlyusica grumbled.

-FAIRY TAIL-

Deep within the ruins of the Pergrande Kingdom, a horrifying place that is largely consumed by storms and eruptions of destructive magical energy, stand only a few places that are immune to the magical distortions.

The succubus village is one of them.

Here, on the outskirts of it, did three women appear. Lucy stared ahead for a moment, looking at the village itself, in mild awe. Erza blinked and patted her leg, instinctively searching for her sword, only to find something wrong.

"…why's it suddenly cold?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, Porlyusica, you joker," Zuri said, "Teleporting us into a field of the ultimate horndogs with no clothing to shield us. You're so witty."

"This is NOT FUNNY!" Lucy shrieked.

"PAIZURI!"

"Oh, dear sweet fuck," Zuri whispered, absolute horror conveyed in her words.

Erza and Lucy watched as a mostly pink blur shot out of the village and tackled Zuri. Within seconds, they came to believe this was some sort of mating ritual.

"…ew," Lucy said.

"HELP ME," Zuri shrieked.

"OHMYGODZURIIMISSEDYOUSOMUCH."

"MY ASS CAN TELL. HELLO, FU."

"It's like a train wreck," Erza said, "I want to look away. But I can't."

Lucy could only slowly nod in agreement.

End of Chapter One