Backscrathers of the Inca King
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
Based loosely on the Ducktales Remastered (video game) "movie".
In case I actually OFFENDED somebody by saying that the REMASTED (not new!) Ducktales video game "doesn't count" as bringing back Ducktales since I, personally, don't like video games.
It was late evening in Duckburg and at McDuck mansion, everybody was sound asleep. Except for the Beagle Boys who were sneaking in.
"Big Time, why are we robbing the mansion? There's nothing here but overpriced stuff nobody but Scroogie can afford or wants!" Burger asked.
"Because Scroogie must have written down the combination of the Money Bin someplace. (1) Big Time replied." And I think I know where! I was spying on Scroogie and saw Scroogie hide something in a secret drawer in his desk! I bet it's the combination!"
So they snuck to Mr. McDuck's desk and soon found and broke into the locked hidden drawer. And found a photo in an antique picture frame.
"What's this? It's just a photo of some old lady duck!" Big Time screamed.
"I'll thank you to put down that photo of me Goldie, unharmed." Mr. McDuck thundered, pointing his shotgun at the intruders.
"So this photo means something to you, Scroogie? And it's signed, too!" Big Time sneered.
Mr. McDuck fired a warning shot to show he meant business. Big Time and the Beagles got scared, dropped the photo and ran. Mr. McDuck snatched up the photo and the Beagles got away. The picture frame broke but the photo itself was undamaged.
Later, Mr. McDuck removed the photo to fix the frame. In doing so, he found an old piece of paper that had gotten stuck in the backing ages ago. A piece of paper that was a treasure map. Giving the location of the backscratcher of an Inca King.
A backscratcher with magical properties. The ancient King always carried it, was never seen without it. Nobody knows what magic it had, but the King obviously treasured it greatly.
"There's one way to find out what magic that backscratcher can do- find that backscratcher and try it!" Mr. McDuck declared.
So Mr. McDuck called up Launchpad and they went on a treasure hunt for the backscratcher.
Launchpad flew his plane to the mountains and landed as close as he could to the "X" on the map. Mr. McDuck promptly screamed at my Launchpad because no backscratcher was in sight, yelling at Launchpad for crashing when Launchpad had done no such thing.
Launchpad was SO tempted to take out the overly large paperweight Dufus had made of old auto and plane parts and given Launchpad for his birthday. Call it a "fuel regulator" (2), and say that he needs it desperately to fix the plane. (3) Accidentally on purpose drop it so Mr. McDuck would insist on getting it back all by himself. But after a brief but pleasant daydream of doing so, Launchpad somehow didn't bother.
"Look, Mr. McDee, it's NOT my fault that this treasure map of yours is all messed up..." Launchpad began.
"Messed up? How?" Mr. McDuck inquired.
"The treasure is supposed to be on a mountain west of here..." Launchpad tried again.
"There's a GORGE west of here!" Mr. McDuck yelled.
"My point exactly. The map shows a mountain just west of here. Only there is a giant gorge west of here. I can't land on a mountain that isn't there." Launchpad explained.
And Launchpad frustrated, threw a rock into the gorge. Only the rock bounced off of NOTHING and ricocheted off.
"Mr. McDee! Did you see?" Launchpad sputtered.
"That rock! It just bounced off nothing!" Mr. McDuck said.
"Yeah, you saw it too. What's going on here?" Launchpad asked. "Stand back, Mr. McDee- I'm trying that again."
And Launchpad threw another rock into the gorge. Again, it seemed to bounce off nothing.
Mr. McDuck carefully walked to the very edge of the gorge and tapped out with his cane. Despite the fact that there was apparently nothing but air there, his cane tapped again something solid. Something that sounded like rock.
"Why there is a another mountain here! It's just invisible." Mr. McDuck said, as he reached out and felt the mountain, even if he could not see it.
"Gee, I've never seen an invisible mountain before." Launchpad joked.
" How are we supposed to climb a mountain we can't see?" Mr. McDuck asked.
They TRIED not to look down the very real looking chasm. The drop just looked too real to step out onto nothing.
"Close our eyes?" Launchpad suggested.
And he returned to the plane and came back with a large umbrella.
"You feel where you're going with your cane and I'll use this umbrella to do likewise." Launchpad said.
And Launchpad tied his scarf around his eyes to make a makeshift blindfold. Mr. McDuck shut his eyes tight. They both reached out, one with a cane, the other with an umbrella and tapped their way along up the invisible mountain. A few minutes later, Launchpad's scarf slipped a little. Launchpad couldn't help but peek in order to put it back in place.
"Hey, Mr. McDee- the mountain is visible now!" Launchpad called out "At least the one we are on- the other ones are gone, now."
Mr. McDuck looked and saw this was true. He could now see the mountain they were climbing but all the other mountains had disappeared. For all appearances there was one large mountain that they were on with a huge crater surrounding it.
"It's one way! Outside this mountain is invisible. Here, everything else is!" Mr. McDuck marveled "How is this possible?"
"Magic?" Launchpad asked "This backscratcher you're looking for is magic."
"Let's keep climbing." Mr. McDuck replied.
So they kept climbing until they reached a cave.
"The map says this cave leads to the treasure." Launchpad said, after consulting the map.
So Launchpad took out some rope and two flashlights out of his backpack and gave some rope and a flashlight to Mr. McDuck. They tied a rope around themselves so they couldn't get lost. Then they lit the flashlights and went down the cave.
And found themselves in a maze. A thousand or so "branches" of caverns were ahead. And there was nothing in the map to show which "branch" to take- or that the multi=numerous branches even existed.
"Great. NOW what do we do?" Launchpad asked. "Wait a minute. I have some chalk in my pocket. I was playing hopscotch with Webby and used the chalk to draw the hopscotch board."
"Give me a piece. You try one entrance and I'll try another. If you find anything, holler. If not, come back here. I'll do likewise." Mr. McDuck said.
And Mr. McDuck marked one entrance and entered it, Launchpad did likewise. And they kept going down until they ran into each other: the two caves met further down. This kept happening until they quit bothering to split up.
"We're running out of caves we haven't tried. I think this is more magic." Launchpad said.
"Maybe these caves aren't quite real...like the mountains didn't really disappear." Mr. McDuck replied.
"Hmm. Closing our eyes worked before."
And Mr. McDuck closed his eyes and felt ahead with his cane. Mr. McDuck headed towards a wall of the cave...and walked right thur it. Launchpad blunk in astonishment and followed him.
They found themselves in a large cavern. All the other caverns were apparently gone, nothing else could be seen but solid rock. They went down the cave and found the backscratcher, hanging high up from the roof.
"Now what?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"If you get up on my shoulders, I think you can reach it." Launchpad said.
Mr. McDuck clambered up on Launchpad's shoulders and reached up with his cane, knocking the backscrather down. Mr. McDuck tried to grab the backscratcher before it fell, but it was all cobwebby and dusty and instinctive disgust made him lose his grip.
Mr. McDuck jumped down and started screaming at Launchpad for not catching the backscratcher. However, hardly had the backscratcher touch the ground did the whole place start coming down around them. The place cracked open, revealing the sky.
"Ut-oh! Good thing I brought the panic button!" Launchpad said.
And Launchpad pressed a button that sent out an alarm signal. I soon came in my copter. Nervously, I flew above the newly created hole in the collapsing cavern. I tried to lower a rope ladder, but I couldn't get low enough because of all the falling rocks.
Launchpad threw a rope up to the rope ladder, and started climbing up the rope, pausing only long enough to make sure Mr. McDuck was directly behide him.
"That button I pressed activates an emergency alarm. Sharan came in response to it. Don't ask me how the alarm works, because I don't know." Launchpad said. (4)
"Take over, honey- PLEASE! I much rather take photos for the Duckburg News, anyway!" I said.
I don't like flying in such dangerous situations, I'd rather trust Launchpad.
Launchpad quickly got behide the wheel and got us OUT of there.
"The backscratcher!" Mr. McDuck screamed.
"Hey, Mr. McDee- look! An ancient city for you to explore!" Launchpad exclaimed, trying to cheer Mr. McDuck up.
And Launchpad pointed to an ancient city that stood revealed as the caves collapsed, leaving the city uncovered.
Launchpad landed his plane next to the ancient city. Mr. McDuck rushed out to examine the city, Launchpad followed. Hardly had they exited the plane did a whole lot of locals surround them. Rather large locals, carrying spears.
"Strangers! Long ago, it was prophesied that our ancient city will one day be returned to us! Long have we waited for that day! Now it has come!" the Chief said.
"You're not mad at us, then?" Mr. McDuck asked, a little nervous because of their size, their numbers, and their spears.
"Mad at you? You, who returned our ancient city to us? How can we reward you for that?!" the Chief asked.
"Well, there was this backscratcher I was looking for..." Mr. McDuck began.
"This?" asked the Chief showing the backscratcher "It fell here a moment ago. It is yours."
And the Chief presented the backscratcher to Mr. McDuck. (5)
"What about the plane you left up there?" Mr. McDuck demanded of Launchpad.
"If you drop me off up there, I'll fly it back. I have to get these photo to the Duckburg News anyway." I offered.
Launchpad did so while Mr. McDuck negotiated with the locals about turning their ancient city into a tourist attraction. By the time Launchpad came back, Mr. McDuck had made a deal with the locals and was ready to leave with the backscratcher.
"Take me home, Launchpad. First thing tomorrow, I'll start playing with this to see what it does." Mr. McDuck said.
"Be careful, Mr. McDee. Magic can be tricky." Launchpad cautioned.
After a little experimenting, Mr. McDuck discovered what the backscratcher could do. Mr. McDuck pointed it at Mrs. Beakly.
"What's the big deal of an old backscratcher, anyway? You risked your life on such nonsense!" Mrs. Beakly blurted.
"Mrs. Beakly! " Mr. McDuck said, blurted surprised by her rudeness.
"I'm sorry, Mr. McDuck, I have no idea why I said that...you pointed that thing at me, and all of the sudden, I HAD to tell the Truth. I couldn't stop myself."
"You couldn't, eh? Very Interesting. Very useful, too." Mr. McDuck muttered, already thinking of ways to use this new toy.
But first, he wanted to test it. Make sure it wasn't just a coincidence,so he pointed it a Duckworth.
"Must you walk on the floor right after I wash it? You're making my job twice as hard, and it's hard enough already what with 48 rooms to keep clean and only me and Mrs. Beakly to clean it..." Duckworth blurted. "Oh, dear me. Why ever did I actually SAY that? I terribly sorry, but as soon as you pointed that thing at me, I found myself speaking what I was really thinking without being able to stop myself. Most peculiar."
"It's alright, Duckworth. This backscratcher has the power to make people tell the Truth! I must best think of how to use it! " Mr. McDuck crowed.
Mr. McDuck didn't realize he only knew HALF of the backscratcher's power: the backscratcher has the ability to make people tell the truth, but there is a price. You point it at somebody, they have to tell you the truth. Only then YOU have to tell yourself the truth about them, if you have lied to yourself about them, it forces you to face the Truth.
The next morning, at breakfast, Mr. McDuck found himself saying; "Excellent job of cooking, as always, Mrs. Beakly."
"But you always say my cooking is awful!" Mrs. Beakly said, surprised by the compliment.
"I lied. It's easier for me to find fault than to pay compliments." Mr. McDuck said, without being able to stop himself.
Later, the Trins were playing carelessly and caused Duckworth to drop a vase Duckworth was trying to dust. The vase fell and broke to pieces. The boys evaporated, leaving Duckworth "holding the bag".
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir..." began Duckworth, thoroughly expecting to have to pay for the vase.
"What for? It was me nephews' fault, not yours. Besides, it was a cheap imitation I keep around to impress clients." Mr. McDuck said, without being able to stop himself from doing so.
Mr. McDuck thought it was weird he blurted out the truth twice, without being able to stop himself, but he just thought he was tired and cranky. He hadn't made the connection with this and the backscratcher yet.
Then he noticed that there was writing on the backscratcher. At first, he thought it was just a decoration but when he cleaned it, he looked at it more closely and realized it was writing.
Translated into English, it said: "I force others to tell the Truth, then I force YOU to tell the Truth to them." And he already knew it forced others to tell the Truth.
I hope you can see how this would be a big problem for a businessman, to HAVE to the Truth, especially when you never know exactly WHEN you're going to blurt out the Truth without being able to stop yourself.
It hadn't been too bad yet, since he tried it on Mrs. Beakly and Duckworth first. They got annoyed with him when he later blurted out an inconvenient truth about each one of them without knowing why later. But that was it.
"What happens if I use this on my business rivals but it forces me to tell the Truth later? That may cost me more than it's worth!" Mr. McDuck mused.
Now, remember that earlier unsuccessful raid on the Mansion by the Beagles? It wasn't totally unsuccessful. They left behide a tiny "bug", and Flintheart heard Mr. McDuck telling Duckworth about the backscratcher. So Flintheart paid the Beagles to steal the backscratcher.
"Go at 11 o'clock in the morning. Scroogie will be at a business meeting. Mrs. Beakly will be shopping, it's Duckworth's day off and Gizmoduck will be at the Money Bin. You should be able to sneak in, grab the backscratcher and sneak out."
The trouble was, Magica Despell had used her magic to spy on the Mansion and she had overheard Mr. McDuck telling Duckworth what the backscrather could do. Great minds thinking alike, she decided to steal it and use it to force Mr. McDuck to tell her the combination to the Bin.
Magica didn't orginally plan on stealing it during broad, blazing daylight. However, when she saw the Beagles trying to steal it, she hopped on her broom to beat them to it.
Now, Launchpad somehow has the habit of making deliveries to the Mansion when Mr. McDee is NOT around whenever possible. I can't possibly imagine WHY.
Launchpad got there in time to see Magica and the Beagles fighting over the backscratcher. Nobody knew about the catch to its powers, not Launchpad, not Magica, nor the Beagles.
Launchpad got on his radio.
"I hope Giz is listening THIS time." Launchpad muttered. "Giz, this is Launchpad. The Beagles and Magica are trying to steal something from the Mansion. Get here quick, please!"
Giz learns from his mistakes and had made sure his radio was on as soon as he put on the g-suit.
"Sure, Launchpad. Since they're the ones who usually try to rob the Bin, there's not much point in staying here." Giz replied.
And Giz activated his jet pack and was there post haste.
While the other Beagles fought off Magica by shooting at her, throwing things at her, Launchpad snuck up on Big Time. Big Time was standing back, busily giving orders to the other Beagles. Launchpad grabbbed Big Time.
"OK, Big Time, what's going on here? Why are you guys fighting Magica?" Launchpad asked.
"Flinty hired us to swipe something from the Mansion. Magica wants it, too." Big Time shrugged.
Launchpad applied a little pressure to Big Time's arm.
"What something were you trying to steal?" Launchpad asked.
"A stupid backscratcher! I don't know why Flinty wants it, never mind Magica." Big Time replied.
"It's a magic backscratcher, that's why!" Launchpad muttered.
Then, seeing Giz, Launchpad yelled out.: "Hey, Giz! They're trying to steal a backscratcher! It's magic!"
"I kind of guessed the first part, Launchpad." Giz replied.
For Magica and the Beagles had grabbed the backscratcher, trying to wrest it from each other. Magica was trying to zap the Beagles, the Beagles kept dodging and throwing stuff at her.
Then, it happened: the Beagles fired a gun at Magica, she dodged out of the way, the bullet whizzed on until it bounced off of Gizmoduck who was trying to grab Bicep Beagle.
That bullet went right thur the stupid backscratcher that had started all this., breaking it in half. With all the bullets, rocks and fighting going on, something was bound to break the old, thin wooden backscratcher sooner or later.
The Beagles and Magica stared at the broken backscratcher a moment. Then, the heard the sound of approaching police sirens and the sound of Mr. McDuck's limo as it came, too. The Beagles and Magica were long gone by the time the cops and Mr. McDuck arrived.
Gizmoduck and Launchpad braced themselves, they were sure Mr. McDuck would give them what for when he saw the backscrather was broken. But the sooner Mr. McDuck found out, the sooner it would be over with.
Mr. McDuck saw the broken backscrather.
"We're sorry, but the Beagles and Magica were fighting over it and it got broken..." Launchpad and Giz began in unison.
"Thank God. I found out that stupid thing forces YOU to tell the Truth after you force somebody else to tell the Truth. What good is that? I am so glad it's gone, I might have made the mistake of trying to use it anyway, now I can't." Mr. McDuck said.
The End.
(1) It's written down in his address book. Among the multitude of real names and real phone numbers, there is a fake name- the name of his first grade teacher, long since deceased. And a fake phone which is the combination to the Bin.
(2) That's what Dufus made the paperweight out of, mostly. A fuel regulator.
(3) There was absolutely nothing wrong with the plane. No point in telling Mr. McDuck that.
(4) UT strikes again. Even if he knew how to fly a plane, I wouldn't count on HIM bothering to rescue anybody if I were you. He doesn't WANT to do anything brave, so why would you expect him to? That's not fair.
(5) This scene was lifted from the "movie".