A/N: Based on the episode "The Entity" with my own slashy twist.
"Here you go Kyle two, and here's yours Kyle," said Mrs Broflovski laying bowls full of stew in front of the two boys.
"What is it?" asked Kyle's cousin.
"Its mums special stew, she makes it every Monday and I love it…"exclaimed Kyle, digging in with relish.
"Oh is this beef?" Kyle cut him off.
"Yeah dude it's great!"
"Well actually I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining and beef really gives me gas."
"Oh I'm so sorry Kyle, what else can I fix you?" fretted Kyle's mother.
"Oh no I don't want to be a bother…"
"Nonsense! Can't I make you some nice pasta, or a frozen fish fillet?"
"Well some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble." Kyle exchanged looks with his dad.
"I'll put it in the microwave right away," said his mother and promptly left for the kitchen.
His cousin's labored breathing quickly destroyed Kyle's appetite, and heavy with disappointment he went in search of his mother. He found her in the kitchen breaking apart a stack of frozen fillets.
"Mum?"
"Yes Kyle two," she said
"How am I related to him again?'
"He's your cousin Kyle two, I told you already," said his mother; a hint of frustration in her voice as she battled to break the fish into edible pieces.
"Yeah but like first cousin, or distant cousin?"
"He's my sister's son, that makes him your first cousin."
"So we have the same blood?"
"Now Kyle two listen to me, Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place. He's going to rely on you to fit in at school.
"What?! How on earth am I going to do that?!" he exclaimed
"I'm sure your friends will love him," she assured him.
"What about Cartman, huh?" Kyle asked, his boyfriend coming to the front of his mind, condescending smirk and all "he rips on me for being Jewish, he's going to tear this kid apart!"
"Kyle two he's your responsibility!" said his mother, the tone of her voice leaving no room for argument.
"Oh my god," he mumbled, already turning to walk away.
"I'm sure you two will become great friends," said his mother, "with lots of late night pillow talk." That caught Kyle's attention like nothing else, and he quickly spun around.
"What do you mean? What room is he sleeping in?!" Kyle panicked. This didn't bode well.
Lying in a single bed with an annoying, asthmatic kid showing early onset of Münchausens; was a scenario, Kyle preyed, he would never again encounter for as long as he lived.
"What's this comforter filled with, oh it isn't filled with down is it?"
"I don't know dude!"
"It sure is quiet out here in the mountains, and dry too; do you have a humidifier?"
"I don't think so."
"Can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the nightstand? Make sure they're close by because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to the bathroom later on."
"Ok," muttered the ginger, and was finally surrounded by blessed silence; only to be disrupted moments later by the wet, scratchy rasp of Kyle's breathing.
Once he was sure his cousin was sound asleep, Kyle rose from the bed. Throwing on his coat and ushanka he made his way down a water pipe outside his window and ran all the way to Cartman's house.
"Oi Jew, you know what time it is?" yelled the fatass from his bedroom window. He had to rise his voice when his mother's screams of pleasure drowned him out.
"Goddamn it you stupid whore," yelled Cartman at the room above him.
"Just let me in fatass," screamed the Jew, knee-high in a pile of snow.
"Alright, but only cause I don't want you bitching to me about freezing of your nuts Jew boy!" smirked his sadistic boyfriend and a moment later appeared at the front door. Kyle pushed past him, ignoring his boyfriend's childish insults like he was deft to them. He couldn't do this "whatever they had" if he let these things get to him. Part of getting into this "not relationship" relationship was realizing that he wanted Cartman the way he was, and not a touch different. He was a manipulative, racist asshole; but he loved him anyways. Sometimes, check that, all of the time, he would go off at him for some racist, insensitive remark; but they always made-up; Kyle smirked, 'and how.'
Sometime later, after they settled under the comforter together and Cartman was running one of his hands through his boyfriend's hair, Kyle spoke up.
"Cartman I need to talk to you."
"Oh Oh!" he sing-sang, but Kyle felt the hand in his hair tense.
"My cousin's staying with me for a couple of days and…"
"Does this have something to do with you coming over to my house in the middle of the night in nothing but your Jewjamies?" he teased.
"Yeah, don't pretend you didn't like it fatass" Kyle rolled his eyes, "but that's not what I want to talk about."
"Alright shoot."
"My cousin, he's" Kyle hesitated and for once his boyfriend surprised him with a rare display of patience, "a little bit...moppy."
"Moppy Goth or…"
"No, more like whiny…"
"Like a Jew," Cartman cut in.
"No you fatass," growled Kyle, "I'm a Jew and he's nothing like me."
"Then what?" demanded Cartman, his voice growing petulant.
"He's just having a really hard time right now, ok!" exclaimed Kyle, pulling out of his boyfriend's hold and rolling away from him.
"Oh Kyle I didn't mean…" Cartman laughed, cooing like one might to a disgruntled cat.
"I'll make you a deal Cartman," Kyle cut in.
"I'm listening," said the other, scootching closer to Kyle so the dip of the mattress under his weight would eventually force the ginger to roll back into his chest.
"If you really care about me you won't rip on him at all."
"But Kahl..."
"This is not negotiable," said the Jew, letting go of the side of the mattress so that gravity could do its work and roll him into Cartman. The cushioned chest he met was rather tempting, but Kyle forced his mind to stay on track. "I mean it Cartman, no smart-ass comments, nothing; and you especially can't say anything about Jews."
"Oh jeez, but I say that shit around you and you're my freaking boyfriend. Why should some random Jew get better no-ripping privileges than you?"
"Cartman!"
"You gonna drop the stereotype for Hitler's propaganda right in front of me and I can't even make one joke?! Oh Jesus why don't you just cut of my balls Kahl?"
"Cartman! No Jew jokes!"
"Alright, alright…" Cartman trailed of defeated. "So what do I get?"
"Me.'
There was a moment of silence before Cartman burst out in a chorus of laughter.
"Neh, seriously Jew what do I get?" he asked again, wiping away a tear.
"I'm serious fatass," growled Kyle, beginning to grow frustrated with the whole conversation. "If you can hold it together for the duration of Kyle's visit we stay together, if not I'm leaving your fat ass."
"What?!" Cartman's voice lost all trace of humor and he leveled Kyle with a wide-eyed look, "you can't be serious."
"Very," barked the Jew and placed his head over his boyfriend's heart; the conversation was over. There was a long moment of silence, and Kyle was all but certain that Cartman had fallen asleep, when the gentle stroking of chubby fingers resumed.
"His name is Kyle?"
"Yeah."
"Pfft what a gay name."
"Kyle this is Cartman," Kyle interrupted his cousin's rant in an effort to save Stan and Kenny," he's my sort of friend-dish," he finished lamely and watched carefully as Kyle approached his boyfriend.
"Nice to meet you Cartman. You know I saw that exact jacket you're wearing at BOSCO's," he pinched the jacket between his fingers and Kyle noticed Cartman bite his lip, "for twenty-nine ninety-five, how much was yours? I'm just wondering if BOSCO's is a rip-off."
"Oh Man," muttered the neo-Nazi and moodily kicked a rock.
"Cartman!" Kyle warned a bit stringently.
"Nice to meet you Kyle," he backtracked, putting on a friendly demeanor that screamed fake from a mile way. That is if people could see Cartman from a mile away, which, judging by his enormous size, Kyle would safely bet they could. "I can certainly tell," continued the fatass, shooting Kyle a smirk "that you're a relative of my good friend Kahl here."
'Son of a bitch,' Kyle swore in his head, and then they boarded the bus
"Oh well I grew up in the city," Kyle's cousin began introducing himself to the class, "I really don't care for it, and I come from a Jewish family which you of course already know because Kyle is from the same family. I like to read and I have these polyps on the back of my hands and I don't know what they are…" he trailed of, examining his hands critically.
"Oh my god! I'm not gonna make it!" Kyle heard the fatass muttering from his seat.
"Oh and I want to become an investment banker," finished Kyle, and Cartman all but exploded with more mutters of "oh my god, not gonna make it" and "have to stay strong".
After his cousin seated himself at his desk, Kyle shot a curious look at his partner, who looked like he was close to having an epileptic fit. The teacher only just continued with her class when Kyle's cousin decided to interrupt her.
"Are wooden desks all that is available, because I usually prefer plastic. These give me splinters," he whined. Cartman made a series of strenuous grunts, that made the ginger more than a little nervous. Sounds like should never be heard outside the bedroom.
"I'm sorry Kyle you're just going to have to make due, now lets get back to the…"
"Is it cold in here? I realize we're in the mountains but do we have to freeze to death?" Miss Chokesondick didn't look impressed.
"Now Kyle," she said, "you need to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate." Cartman's held back chokes grew in volume. "I need you to concentrate," she continued, and Kyle could have sworn he saw a pressure-release valve pop-open in Cartman's mouth.
"Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp!" he cried, but when he caught sight of Kyle he cursed and sagged into himself. Not lifting his eyes from his tabletop he began beating his fist with a litany of "damn it! damn it! damn it!"
"Cartman!" cried Kyle, his eyes flashing in equal part anger and hurt. The pain of betrayal overrode the anger, and his spent the rest of the class trying to stay focused on his work.
It was lunch break when Cartman first approached him.
"Kahl, Kahl!" he yelled, interrupting his game of ball with his cousin.
"What do you want fatass?"
"I just found out that in WWII some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps!" his voice full of childish disbelief that anyone who didn't know Cartman as well as Kyle might have believed without pause.
"Yeah fatass," he yelled in agitation.
"But you see I didn't realize that!" pleaded the brunette, using his puppy eyes for better effect. "I understand now how you might have thought what I said in the classroom was a racial slur, but you see I had no idea…"
"You did too," growled Kyle and pocked him hard in the chest. "You are so full of crap!"
"No I'm seriously, um I was, I was talking to Craig and Craig was all like 'hey did you know that in WWII they really had concentration camps?' and I was all like 'no way!' and a green light went off in my head and I was all like 'no wonder what I said to Kyle's cousin, Kyle thought was directed at him', but I was literally talking about concentration camps, like where you go for a week to learn and focus. Oh man," he laughed and came around to drape one arm around Kyle's shoulders, "what a misunderstanding huh?"
Kyle angrily shrugged him of.
"You blew the deal Cartman!" he yelled, shoving the heavier boy away when he made another effort to grab for him.
"God damn it!" he swore, "give me another chance!"
"Nah-hah, I knew you were going to make fun of my lame cousin, so I offered you a deal, you ripped on him, deals off!" All through his rant Cartman was looking somewhere behind him, which only frustrated him more.
"You did what?"
Kyle spun around and came face-to-face with his cousin. Cartman fled with a parting jeer of 'serves you right asshole'; and Kyle was left alone to cover the damage. He made a quick save by explaining the evil that is Cartman, and made a false confession of having offered the fatass a $40 payoff to keep his racist mouth shut. However, when it turned out, Kyle had more of a problem with Kyle's lack of negotiation skills than any hurt-feelings; the ginger knew it was time to get rid of him.
A week after Kyle's cousin returned home, Cartman came to Kyle's. He stood outside his window and threw rocks until the Jew was forced to open the window.
"What do you want Cartman?" he hissed, cautious to not wake his parents.
"Well Kahl," he said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice "I've thought about this long and hard, and I decided I'm ready to take you back."
"What?!"
"You see even though you're related to that terrible monstrosity of a Jew, I have learned to dissociate the two of you in my mind and this allowed me to…Oi!" he yelled when Kyle gave him the bird before promptly shutting the window. "I'm not done you Jew rat!"
But when Kyle vanished from sight, Cartman panicked and tossed up a handful of rocks so they all rained in unison against the window, causing a sound like gunfire from an automatic. Immedietly the window flew open and a glaring Kyle, bearing his teeth was hanging half-way over the windowsill.
"What the fuck fatass, do you want to wake up the entire country or just my parents?" he hiss-yelled.
"Your mum can wake an entire country," laughed Cartman.
"What. Do. You. Want!" Kyle spat.
"I want you back,"
"Well I don't want you back!"
"Look Jew," began Cartman his voice becoming small and uncertain, "the truth is you're more important to me than I let on, and I can't lose you. Believe whatever you want but I tried really hard not to rip on your cousin; it almost killed me Kahl, seriously. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd hate to loose you over something stupid like this," he paused and glanced cautiously at the ginger, whose poker face revealed nothing, "and you can't pretend you like him either, he was a douche and you know it! That's why you followed all my ideas to get rid of him!" said Cartman, going on the defensive. After a long stare of, Kyle simply stepped away and shut his window. Sighing in defeat, Cartman watched the lights in the room go out and with them felt a prickle in his eyes. He was turning away, wiping his hand over his nose, which suddenly became runny; when the porch light flickered on and the front door swung open to reveal his Jew; standing with his arms crossed like that would protect him from the strength of his boyfriends monstrous hug.
"This doesn't mean we're back together," he said after Cartman eased his hold around him enough to let him breath.
"Of course not Jew," replied the other, already halfway up the stairs.
"But we can try again," said Kyle, catching up to him on the stairs and laying a hand on his lower back.
"Yes we can Jew," said Cartman, turning once they reach his bedroom to catch him of-guard for a kiss "and we'll keep trying until we get it right."
R&R