Originally written Dec 1998
Title: Without You
Rating: K+
Summary: During "Once Upon a Time," B'Elanna thinks about what life would be like if she lost Tom. P/T.
Alone in her bed, she tossed and turned, thoroughly exhausted but unable to sleep. There was still no word from the away team since their last distress call.
Voyager had tracked the Delta Flyer to a planetary system only 0.6 light years away. Unfortunately, there was a level five ion storm in the way, and with the Delta Flyer's primary systems damaged and life support failing, she was worried that they wouldn't get to them in time.
She didn't even want to think about what kind of condition the Delta Flyer must be in if they were searching for a place to make an emergency landing. The ion storms must have caused severe damage to the shuttle... and perhaps to its passengers as well. As she stared at the ceiling considering that possibility, her unease and anxiety intensified. What if they were seriously injured?
Stop thinking about it and get some sleep, B'Elanna scolded herself. Everything's going to be fine.
But she couldn't stop worrying about them. About him.
Tom.
She sighed, troubled by her thoughts.
I love him so much... what would I do without him?
Even though she and Tom hadn't been spending many of their nights together lately, at that moment she would have given anything to have him safe and sound in bed beside her. She felt so lost and alone without him.
He has to be all right, she told herself. At least, she fervently hoped so.
With a growl of frustration, B'Elanna finally threw off the covers and resigned herself to yet another sleepless night. She settled for studying her data PADDs instead, wondering what she could possibly do that would help Tom.
There would be no peace for her until he was safely back.
B'Elanna lingered at the table even though the Mess Hall was nearly deserted by now.
All throughout dinner, Harry had attempted to reassure her that everything would be fine. That Tom would be fine.
If only I could believe that.
She closed her eyes, remembering how they had said goodbye a few days ago when the away team had left. He had hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead, telling her not to worry, promising her that he'd be careful and back in no time.
Their relationship had been strained these past few weeks, but they were still together. And she wanted to keep it that way.
They had been through so much together. Countless arguments, misunderstandings, and tension, of course, but also many happy moments. They had shared their hopes and dreams with each other and confronted their deepest fears together. Facing the future together. Their future.
They had even faced death together and survived.
But what if he didn't survive this time?
Don't think about that. Think about the good times.
There were plenty of those. Why, just last week they had gone to a quaint little Japanese restaurant that Captain Janeway had recommended in the Species 8472 "Starfleet Headquarters" habitat. And after that, a romantic evening stroll along the San Francisco harbor. She smiled at that pleasant memory.
They had also been spending a lot of time together working on the Delta Flyer lately. After its maiden voyage, she had realized how much potential the shuttle had and was more enthusiastic about improving it. Not quite as enthusiastic as Tom, of course, who enjoyed working on the Delta Flyer almost as much as working on his Camaro... but she had grown fond of the sleek new shuttle, she had to admit. It was their baby, after all. She loved to see Tom so caught up in the excitement of this project, even though she couldn't resist teasing him about the "Captain Proton" control panels he had installed in the shuttle. His argument in defense was that he could pilot it better that way.
He'd better be taking good care of my engines, she thought in mock seriousness.
But then her thoughts grew somber as she remembered the seriousness of their predicament. Tom was an excellent pilot and understood the rudimentary workings of the shuttle, but he was no engineer.
If only I'd gone with them, she thought with regret. I should be out there with him. I might have been able to repair the damage to the Delta Flyer.
But there was no use thinking about that now.
Sighing, she stood up and decided to return to Main Engineering even though her duty shift was over. She had to keep busy. Keep working. Otherwise, she would start thinking about all the horrifying possibilities...
No. He's still alive. Somewhere out there, he's alive. It would only be a matter of time before he safely returned to Voyager. She had to be optimistic.
Because it scared the hell out of her to think that she might lose him.
In Main Engineering, her staff was running around, busy with their various tasks.
There was much work to be done, but B'Elanna was having difficulty concentrating.
I love him more than anything... Though she hadn't been acting like it lately, she still loved him. She truly loved him. She couldn't imagine a life without him.
Because of him, she had opened up her heart and allowed herself to believe in love again. He made her feel so safe and loved. With him, she felt... alive.
No... I can't lose him, she thought. Not like this. Not without telling him how much I still love him. Not after everything we've been through.
He had to be all right. He had cheated death so many times before.
B'Elanna sighed. Tom certainlyhad a knack for getting himself into life-threatening situations, she thought ruefully.
The last time that he had been this close to death was when he and Harry had been lost on the Demon planet. She had been crazy with worry that time as well.
But he made it alive out of that one, she reminded herself. He would be fine this time, too. They had probably landed on some nearby planet and were waiting for Voyager to find them.
A young ensign nervously approached her, and B'Elanna returned to her work, welcoming the distraction.
She hated feeling so helpless. She had to do something, or she would go crazy.
Stop it! Harry's tracking the shuttle at this very moment. As soon as he had pinpointed the location, the captain would send out rescue teams.
One thing was for certain – she would be part of the rescue effort this time, she vowed. Chakotay had excluded her last time, on the Demon planet, but she wouldn't let that happen again. Not this time.
B'Elanna left the bridge, re-energized by the latest progress. All of her energy was focused on the rescue effort. It felt good to know that they were heading in the right direction.
Harry had tracked the shuttle to the northern hemisphere of a class M planetoid composed of a nickel-iron core and a benomite mantle. According to the latest calculations, the Delta Flyer was either vaporized or buried under kilotons of rock. She preferred to believe that the latter was the case.
Sensors weren't detecting anything. No life signs. No sign of the Delta Flyer. But that could just mean that it was buried so deeply in rock that sensors couldn't detect it. At this moment, Chakotay was preparing to lead rescue teams down to the surface. An endeavor she had every intention of being included in.
She tried to concentrate on the best way to estimate their location beneath the planetoid's surface, but her thoughts kept turning back to Tom. Not to mention the pile of debris fragments and plasma fires at the crash site. The fear and worry gnawed at her incessantly.
Lately, everything had seemed so empty and meaningless in her life. She was still struggling with her own problems and not feeling completely herself.
But now, faced with the possibility of losing Tom for good...
That was true emptiness. And the thought of it was unbearable.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
She had taken for granted that he would be there for her. He always was when she really needed him. She wished that he were here right now to make her laugh and reassure her that everything would work out. He made her stronger, made her feel secure, brought clarity to her confusion...
What if that changed? Could she really go on without him?
Back in Main Engineering, B'Elanna was barking orders left and right.
"Carey, you're in charge. Vorik, you stay here with Carey. Mulcahy, Strickler, Nicoletti, you're with me. We've got work to do."
Her mind was going in a million directions at once, her heart racing.
At that moment, Chakotay came in to assemble the rest of the search teams.
"We're ready to go, Chakotay. I've handed out duty assignments and prepared the search equipment. Let's go." She impatiently headed for the exit.
Concerned, he stopped her. "Hold it, B'Elanna."
"We're going to find them. They're alive. I just know it," she said fiercely.
Much as he wanted to believe that, he knew they had to prepare for the worst.
He took a deep breath. "B'Elanna, I think you should stay here."
That remark earned him a glare.
"No. You need everyone you can spare down there to find them and dig them out. I'm going, and that's final." She crossed her arms defiantly, daring him to contradict her.
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Oh, no. You're not leaving me behind this time."
He held her gaze for a long moment, then finally relented. "All right, you can be part of the rescue team. But not just yet. I want you to wait until we've got a better idea of the location of the shuttle. Besides, we're going to need more phaser drills, transporter pattern enhancers and med kits. Assemble your team and equipment, then meet us at the transport site after I contact you."
She opened her mouth to protest, but the look he gave her made her change her mind.
"All right, Chakotay." It would have to do for now.
Three rescue teams were working frantically to locate the Delta Flyer on the planetoid. Seven had mapped out the system of underground caverns, which was proving to be extremely helpful. Under the supervision of Chakotay, Alpha Team had narrowed down the general vicinity of the shuttle.
On Voyager, B'Elanna strode down the corridor as her team struggled to keep up. They were preparing to beam down, as Chakotay had given her the go-ahead. Finally, she thought impatiently.
"Strickler, we need three more phaser drills." He nodded.
She addressed the other two ensigns trotting behind her. "You two, pattern enhancers and med kits."
"Aye, sir."
The three ensigns scurried off to gather more equipment, while the rest of her team followed her to the Transporter Room, already carrying phaser drills and other equipment.
"We're going to have to recalibrate these tricorders," she muttered as they arrived.
"Put us with Alpha Team," she instructed the ensign manning the transporter controls.
"Setting coordinates."
In a shimmer of blue light, they re-materialized at the transport site on the planetoid. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the darkness of the cavern.
"Any luck, Chakotay?"
"We've found a fragment of what appears to be the starboard nacelle and also detected a hull signature," he informed her. "Rescue teams Alpha and Beta are still searching for... survivors."
Survivors. The word echoed in her head.
She nodded briskly, then turned to her team.
"Okay, people. They're around here somewhere. Let's find them!"
"Still no sign of them, Lieutenant," Ensign Strickler reported. B'Elanna resisted the urge to throw something in frustration. Damn! Where are they? We're running out of time!
They were so close... she could feel it. But they weren't quite there yet.
Stay calm. She took a deep breath to steady herself. "Keep looking. They've got to be here somewhere. We'll find them."
Nicoletti and Mulcahy exchanged glances and nodded tightly. Everyone was on edge, especially around B'Elanna.
"One of you give me a hand over here –" She was interrupted by the beeping of her commbadge.
"Chakotay to Torres. We've found them."
Her heart skipped a beat.
"We're on our way."
B'Elanna and her team raced to the designated coordinates, anxious about what they would find.
"Chakotay!"
"Over here!"
"The hull is 80 meters directly below us," Seven said calmly, indicating the area with her tricorder. There were already a few phaser drills set up.
Chakotay nodded. "We can beam the shuttle back to Voyager if we clear out enough of the debris."
"All right. Set up more phaser drills here and here," B'Elanna commanded her team.
Three ensigns quickly scrambled to obey. They set up the drills and began drilling alongside the others.
B'Elanna tuned out everything except the task at hand. She and Chakotay were alternating turns with two of the phaser drills while Seven scanned for the shuttle with a tricorder.
Almost there... Hang on, Tom...
She had faith that they would find them in time. They had to.
Just a few more meters... A few meters. That was all that was separating them from the shuttle.
A commbadge chirped. "Voyager to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
B'Elanna dimly heard the captain's words over the din of the phaser drills, but the beeping of Seven's tricorder distracted her.
"I'm detecting... unusual readings."
So close... We'll be together again soon.
"Commander –"
"There's another ion storm approaching!" Chakotay shouted. "We've got six minutes to get them out of there!"
"We're almost there! Get ready to set up the pattern enhancers!"
Finally, the outer edge of the primary hull was exposed.
"There it is!"
"Everybody move out!"
The cavern began rumbling and shaking as the edge of the ion storm drew closer and closer.
"Pattern enhancers are in place!" she yelled to Chakotay.
"Prepare for transport!"
The Delta Flyer and the rescue team beamed out just as the cavern began to collapse...
Voyager had gone to warp with the ion storm right on its tail. They were safe for now.
In the Shuttle Bay, the rescue team was prying open the door of the Delta Flyer.
B'Elanna just stood there, unable to move. She was filled with dread at what they might find. Were they too late?
The hatch finally gave way, revealing the severely damaged interior of the shuttle. Slowly, two figures staggered out, carrying a third.
Ensign Wildman was unconscious. The rescue team members rushed over to help her.
"Emergency transport to Sickbay! She needs surgery!" she heard a familiar voice hoarsely call out.
Samantha was immediately beamed to Sickbay, leaving only Tom and Tuvok standing there, gasping for breath and weakened from the oxygen deprivation.
"We're all right," Tom managed to say as Chakotay and Seven assisted him out of the shuttle. Tuvok seemed to be in better condition.
"Report to Sickbay anyway," Chakotay advised.
They nodded.
Suddenly drained, B'Elanna turned to leave. She felt strangely numb.
Tom had seen her and turned towards her expectantly. But she didn't approach him. Her face was an unreadable mask. She could only stare at him, pale and still somewhat in shock from his latest brush with death.
There was so much she wanted to say to him but couldn't. Too many things that she couldn't put into words.
Mumbling an excuse to Chakotay, B'Elanna left the Shuttle Bay in a hurry, leaving Tom to stare after her, hurt and confusion evident in his expression.
He hesitated outside the door to her quarters, uncertain as to whether or not she would even want to see him.
But he definitely wanted to see her, so he took a deep breath and pressed the door chime.
"Come in."
She was huddled in the corner of her sofa, a lifeless, distant look in her eyes. He could see that she hadn't bothered to change yet, since she was still in her uniform, covered with benomite dust.
"B'Elanna..." he whispered.
She spared a disinterested glance in his direction, then withdrew again. His heart sank.
He sat down beside her anyway, reaching for her hand and clasping it in his own.
"Are you all right?"
No response.
Not to be deterred, he tried again. "I know that things haven't been right between us lately," he said quietly, "but I don't want to give up on us."
He paused again, waiting for some sort of reply. When he didn't receive one, he was left at a loss for words.
Maybe she doesn't care anymore.
Trying to keep the anguish he was feeling out of his voice, he forced himself to continue. "Please talk to me, B'Elanna. I don't know what you want; maybe you don't even want to see me right now. If you want me to go..." He stopped as he heard a muffled sound in her direction. "B'Elanna?"
She didn't say anything.
"B'Elanna." He carefully enfolded her into his embrace, hoping that she wouldn't reject him. She didn't.
Ever so gently, he tilted her chin up and was astonished to see that her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Don't leave me," she sobbed. "Don't ever leave me..." By now, the tears were coursing freely down her face.
"Shh... It's all right, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere," he whispered in her ear as he held her close, offering comfort.
She continued to sob.
He closed his eyes, fighting back tears of his own.
"I'm here," he repeated, tightening his hold on her as she wept.
"Tom..."
It had been too long since they had fully acknowledged how much they needed one another. Neither one of them spoke, but they both knew.
How many times are we going to have to through this? I came so close to losing you again. It tears me up inside every time.
When I was down there, all I could think about was you. I was afraid I'd never see you again.
I've been abandoned too many times to count. I'm afraid to care about anyone too much.
I'm not going to leave you.
Gradually, the tears abated, and the strain and anxiety of the past few days dissipated as well. Exhausted, they remained entwined on the sofa, gazing at each other in silence. There was so much that they wanted to say to each other, but no words came.
Instead, she clung to him, almost desperately, as he pulled her into his lap and held her just as tightly.
Hold me. I love you. I need to be close to you right now.
Don't ever push me away again. I love you.
I'm so glad you're all right. I missed you so much.
I need you so much.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Say that you need me, that you want me to stay with you always...
Stay with me.
I love you.
There were so many words left unspoken, but somehow it seemed all right. They understood each other even without the words. Everything would be all right, because they were together again.
There would be plenty of time for them. Time for more pizzas, more beach trips, more holodeck dates, more everything...
Smiling slightly at that thought, she rested her head against his chest.
"B'Elanna?" he murmured.
She sighed, more at peace than she had been for a long time. "I'm all right," she said softly.
He nodded silently in agreement.
As long as I'm with you.
The End :)