Whispered Regrets

It had been a month since the Department to Mysteries and a month since he'd lost his best friend. True they had only reconnected two years prior, but they had been best friends in a time long before.

--

He had always thought he would be jealous of the other three of the group: James, Sirius and Peter. James because of his wit, his passion, and his friendly nature. Peter because he was content to be in the background, never caring so said what so long as he was included in the conversation. And Sirius. He envied Sirius for many reasons. First, because he was strong and independent yet was rarely away from James' side. Second, because behind his mask of indifference, he was just as human as the rest of them. And third, he had Jane. Remus knew in his mind that the youngest Potter never felt for him anything beyond friendship … but he had his hope.

Things changed quickly on Halloween night in 1981. He had been at his own home being entertained by … let's just call her a close friend. He'd heard screams and shouts and, quickly donning his pants, trousers and shirt and headed for the front door. An old witch smiled at him and relayed the information that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had been defeated by Lily Potter.

He figured something was wrong as soon as the woman's face fell from a smile and she started to tear up. "Shame about the Potters. So young."

He had begged her to tell him what had happened but she refused. Confused beyond measure, he called out to his companion to stay put, he would be back shortly.

When he got to Godric's Hollow there seemed to be a sick, eerie quiet.

"Albus," Remus whispered as he saw the elderly Headmaster standing outside the home that had been meant to protect his friends. "What's wrong? I thought it would be good news but this old witch …"

"James and Lily's location was compromised, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said. "One of our own has turned against us and revealed to Voldemort where the Potters were located. Around eight thirty, right after Jane Black left, the Dark Lord personally arrived at James and Lily's home. He quickly …"

"James was there though, right? James stopped him …"

"I am so sorry, Mr. Lupin, but Mr. Potter has been …"

"No! No, you're wrong!" Remus cried. "You … he's fine. He has to be …"

"Mr. Lupin, both Mr. and Mrs. Potter have been murdered. Poppy is looking over Harry …"

"Harry's alive?" Lupin asked sharply. "How is that possible?"

"Never underestimate the love of a mother, Mr. Lupin. Now, as for the care of Harry, I will be going over to the Black residence to inform Sirius and Jane. As they are Harry's godparents, they will become young Harry's warders until his seventeenth birthday," Dumbledore replied. "Ah, Hagrid," the old wizard said as the half-giant arrived. "Join me in going to the Black's home to retrieve Sirius, please."

When the two departed, Remus stood there silently for a few moments. James and Lily were dead. Harry was to be cared for by Sirius and Jane.

Jane. Dumbledore said she had just left before the Dark Lord arrived. She could have been killed as well. As could Phoenix.

He said a silent prayer for James and Lily before immediately apparating to Sirius' house.

The scene waiting for him was not what he expected it to be. Sirius was under arrest, Hagrid was shouting at him, and Jane …

His eyes widened and tears formed as he saw the woman he loved but could never have laying motionless on the ground. His eyes darted to Sirius, silently conveying that this never would have happened if he had married her. Not that he could have.

And then his eyes spotted the baby lying in his mother's arms. As he approached, he saw Edgar Bones trying to remove the baby from his mother. "Don't touch him," he said in a voice only loud enough for the fellow Order member to hear. "Leave them. Kingsley will return."

Edgar gave a slight nod before moving away from the bodies.

"I am so sorry," he whispered to Jane and Phoenix. "I didn't know. I didn't know he was a traitor. I would have stopped him. I … I've lost everyone in one night. I … I've lost you and … and all of my best friends …" his words were a whispered plea to the Gods, not really asking for anything but pity. Because that was what he needed in that moment. Pity and commiseration.

He slowly made his way to Mad Eye and Sirius. He took a deep breathe and thought, for a moment, that he wouldn't be able to control his urge to punch the man. "You deserve every bit of the punishment you're set to receive," he said simply. "You don't deserve to live."

The only shocking thing to Remus Lupin in that moment was the look in Sirius' eyes. They said it all.

I know.

--

Now, nearly fifteen years later, he was regretting those words. He and Sirius had made amends after the prison break and discovery of Pettigrew. Sirius had told him everything, in detail, about what happened that night. He had explained that he silently begged for the Kiss so he could see his wife and son again.

And Remus wasn't jealous anymore.

Not of James, who had to watch his son grow from the Other Side.

Not of Peter, who had ruined all of their lives.

And not of Sirius, who had to watch his wife and son die and then spend twelve years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

No, Remus Lupin felt nothing but anger and pity.

And now he felt empty. He had no friends left, no family, and no one to talk to.

He was alone in his study, a book open on the table in front of him, but he wasn't reading. His eyes were closed and his hands were folded. He was participating in a ritual that had become automatic in the last month.

He was praying. For his fallen friends. For the friends who wall fall in the coming days, weeks, months, years. And for Harry.

"I am so sorry," he whispered over and over again. "I should have protected him. I should have protected them. I should have known. I should have helped more. I should have …"

"Stopped beating yourself up over it a long time ago," a voice snapped from the doorway.

Remus looked up to see a clearly agitated Harry Potter. "Harry …"

"It was my fault he was there, okay? So you can stop beating yourself up. I'm the one to blame, not you. So stop."

Remus took a couple of breaths before standing and moving to Harry. "So much like Sirius," he whispered before pulling the younger man into a hug. "Please just promise me you won't turn out to act the same way. Please, Harry … I can't lose you too. You're all I have left."

Harry took a deep breath, trying to prevent the tears from falling. He gripped the back of his professor's tatty robes and buried his face in the older man's neck. "I promise," he whispered. "I promise."

"If you won't mind, Harry," Lupin said slowly, "I would like to tell you a story …"

"Of course," Harry agreed as they both moved to the couch.

"It all began with this ridiculous law passed in my last year at Hogwarts … Hermione could probably tell you all about it ..."

Unbeknownst to the other two, Nymphadora Tonks slowly slid to the floor outside Lupin's study so she could hear the story as well.