Little Me
It was the dead of night. July 20th 2015. As I slid the blade across my already beaten up arm. I thought to myself, was this the day I was going to do the final move and kill myself completely. That answer never came all I took a final look at the sealing all I could think of was poor little me...
The night of June 11th 1999 or as my parents once told me, the happiest day of their life, seeing me for the first time wrapped up in the light baby blue sheet after moments after they got to news that I was a boy (even if they told them they were having a girl) the smiles on their faces were proud and joyful as my mother held me tight and my farther held her. They looked so happy they even named me after the first school assignment they worked on. Even I I didn't complain haft of my life about the meaning.
As they sighed the the sheet of paper the words I remember coming out their mouth were
Wellcome to the world our Child
May 6th 2015
"Troy, wake up, it's time for school" Dad yelled walking up the stairs. I moved under the covers more to block out what he was saying
"Don't make me get you" his voice got louder as I heard the door open. I hid more deeper into the covers but the clear tube that connected to my B-Pad (I still don't get why I need this)
"Troy I know where you are" he left end off the covered to reveal me curled up into a ball like form as I felt him grab my hand and he picked me up
"Dad I'm sixteen years old I don't need help out of bed" I said as sat up on the bed
"If I let you get up yourself, you wouldn't get up at all" he laughed pulling remanding part of the tubes as a joke
"I still don't know why I need this god dam thing" I pulled the tubes away from my face and into my lap, he gave me the inshore look
"We been thought this hundreds of times, your lungs shut down at night and they can't takes in Normal oxygen" he sat down next to me "and at least it's not full time" I smiled a bit I know it's not the worse thing I lived with it all my life and he's probably wondering why I'm starting to complain about it now.
Dad hugged me on the side, turned off the B-pad and walked out of my room. He usually leaves a note with my clean clothes with a quote about being brave or speaking up. I walked over and got changed in the cloths pervaded for me, the same as I usually wear, plan red short, dark denim jeans and a black leather jacket (just so people don't see my arms)
I walked out of the room to be greeted by skipper, our west highlands crossed with a multiuser puppy. She jumped up into the air as I walked down the stairs
"Hey skip" I said patting her head, she just panted as she continued jumping up onto the air
"Well looks who's finally out of his room" dad walked over with his arms crossed
"Yea I just needed to get change for school" I smiled even if the word school was not my fave word of all or even place
"Well at least your enjoying it" he smiled "speaking of school, you'll be late if you don't get going now" I looked up at the time, 8:15am
We both got into the car, put the seat belt and away we went. It takes 10 to 15 minutes To get there by car I wished to be stopped at every red light ever but it's always green. As well pulled up in the schools parking lot.
"Okay, Troy" he looked behind the seat l tried to look away but I know I'm suck here now
"Do I have to go" I pleaded as I started to open the car door
"Yes you are" he said I cupped my hands together and forcefully hit my stomach
"That's not going to work son" he laugh I just looked at him as I exited the Car
"Hey" he rolled down the car window "try to speak up a bit" as I heard him drive off I knew there's no turning back from this place
As I walked into the school, kids laughing and talking to each other. I tried my best to not get involved with anything, but theirs always that one kid, the same girl. Lucky I escaped her because she was to busy with her boyfriend. She was nice and all but I don't want to get mangled up in a friendship.
The school bell rang as I placed the final book into my bag and walked off to class. I slipped in unseen and sat in my usual place in second back room on the right. The rest of the students went in and sat down in their seats. They all got their books and placed it on the desks. They were all talking out loud and being no theirs phones and other crap I don't know about. The teacher walked in and everyone went silent.
A man we all dread since day one. Our history teacher. Mr Smith. Tall, silky and all mean. And his favourite thing to do is pick on the shyer kids like me and this other girl at the back (she doesn't talk much) he had a bunch of worksheets in one hand and a suitcase in his other. He placed the worksheets in his desk and went to address the class.
"I hope you all brought your homework" he straight up said with no introduction. Most people pulled the sheet out of their bags some people didn't (lucky I did mine) he walked across the class room and picked up the sheets. He gave a look of evil when he walked past me. Does he know? He made his way back to the front of the class.
"For all you people who didn't do their homework, will have to stay back after class and to double of it" he exclaimed as people rolled their eyes.
I took my eyes off of him as Mr Smith started to talk again.
"Today we are learning about World War I" he said as a boy in the first row raised his hand
"Interesting fact, that the First World War was the first war to use chemical weapons against The enemy even if we were the first people to get attack with it" the boy concluded
"Well done Jesse, you people should learn from him" Mr Smith cheered I rolled my eyes as Jessie looked towards me with that same evil look that the teacher did
"Now class, who wants to write down in the white bored what other weapons they used in the war" Jessie putted his hand up again to answer
"Sir, maybe Troy would like to answer, he never answer questions ever" a grin when across his face as mine when blank
"Your right, Troy come up and write down the answer" he looked into my eyes as I tried to speak
"I-I-I d-don't t-think I can" I studded
"Just come up" he exclaimed
"Yea" Jesse yelled
I couldn't take anymore. I took a breath breath and stood up rom my seat. I slowly walked to the fount of the class. As I walked more, the more eyes turned my way.
"Well are you!" A females voice yelled, I finally walked up the the fount of the class. Mr Smith gave me the White bored marker. I took the lid off and started to write. My hands were shaking and my heard was raining. People talking behind my back and the teacher dead look locked on me. All the words I tried to write just turned into scribbles of letters joined together.
"You can sit down now" Mr Smith finally said I walked over to my desk with out making eye contact with anyone. I sat down and just powered off. I didn't get much work down. I felt like everyone was watching me from every angel.
The bell finally when as it seems like forever that I was suck unable to move from were I was. As I walked to my locker that girl came towards me with a smile and a spring to her step
"Hi Troy" she smiled stopping in fount of me, her dark brown eyes sparkle with every word
"Um, hey, E-Emma" I studded as she continued to smiled happily
"Wow, you actually talked to me " she cheered "that's improvement for you, you hardly speak at all, no body actually has told me about you speaking"
"W-well I kinder got the hang of it, you see, it's not easy being the shy kid" I said, she looked at me again and to this other boy with was walking to her
"Hey Jake" she called him over "Troy this is my boyfriend" the boy walked over with a slight smiled
"Ar hey, I'm Jake" he smiled
"I'm, I'm Troy" I said as we shook hands
"See you can trust us" Emma said as she placed her hand on my shoulder
"Yea" I looked over to the other side, they both smiled and asked me to join them. We sat at the place I usually sit at. In the outside bit under the tree. We talked for a bit, then they left to be with there other two friends. I liked being alone. As much as Emma and Jake are nice people. It I can't see them as friends. They will probably never let a boy with selfs harms and has a lung problem hang out with them. I seen their other friends. Ones that blonde girl from science and the computer geek from ICT. They are So out of my league. So high up on the ladder. And theirs me... Poor little me.
The bell rang for next class. I was takin out of that class due to the concert teasing and just the amount of people. Like my history class only has fourteen students in it and that class has thirty.
I was put in the unit class by my self with a teacher aid named Mr Evens. He was nice, he's one of the younger teacher aids here. He's only twenty three but knows how to teach. I was going to ask if a stuff from other classes or just talking about personal stuff.
"Did you have a nice lunch break?" He asked he as we sat down at the desk
"Yea it was aright, this girl and her boyfriend with up to me and said hi and spend some of it with me" I said
"So you talked to some people, I'm so glad to hear it" he smiled as he pulled out a work book "teachers have asked me to do more, tests on you, not work tests but, personal tests, like why are you this way and stuff" he gave me a pen to fill out the work booklet or two pages just colouring in circles for my answers. I gave the competed worksheet to him. He looked throw it and looked at me
"Your improving" he smiled, I smiled back as he continued flick thought the worksheets. I watched as he did this. He read all the answers that I coloured in and wrote on his own piece of paper (progress probably)
He handed me back the booklet and asked me to put it in my school bag to give to my dad when I get home. This lesson basically is my only class I like. Mr Evens lets me stay here in the lunch break that is after this lesson. I tell him everything. I told him about my stuffed up lungs. Me self harming, even what happen with my mother when I was four.
We talked today about what happen in history
"So what happen?" He asked
"Well, someone told the teacher to send me to the fount of the class and write down a weapon, and the same person was yelling at me to just write it already" I sighed
"So they pushed you into getting up in fount of people and writing?" He just stayed there looking at me
"Yea" I looked down at the desk, I felt his hand go onto my shoulder
"It's okay Troy, you been through worse than this" that made me smiled, I knew I have been through worst
Monthly trips to the hospital because my lungs do something stupid, teasing and name calling at my other school. Like, freak, bitch, whore I haven't even slept with a girl yet let alone done that, just because I an quite doesn't mean I don't hear anything that is said about me.
I kelp telling him all the words and the more I felt like I was going to break, but the bell rang before that could happen and he set me up a glass of cold water and the apple I didn't eat first break. Mr Evens had to leave so that means I was alone, again. But time goes quick if you thing of something else.
I was in hear for a hour. I didn't hear the bell go off and didn't go to my next class (which I hated as well) I wrote in the note book I was given by Dad to write down what I felt or ideas or even quotes I randomly come up with that could be used. I ended up getting one quote down
Speak up and stand up even if your standing alone
I feel like it was said before but in a different way, but I will probably never say it to anyone (bar my dog,she doesn't give a shit about anything we say)
Mr Evens finally came back in. He just looked at me and handed another book,et to me about the class I just missed, he said it wasn't my fault and if he was was me he would of just stayed in here too. I did The work and handed back to him to hand to my teacher I would of had in this period. Mr Evens told me when then home. Bell goes, which it did after he said it. I got my bag and we said goodbye as I walked over to my dads car behind the school were nobody goes.
"How was school?" Dad asked as I did my seat belt up
"Terrible as always" I answered back
"What happen today?"
"It's too stupid to talk about"
"Is it with that Jesse kid again?"
"Kinder"
The way home was silent only The sound of the people talking away of the radio as we pulled into the driveway. Skipper was going nuts as she heard us walk to the fount door. She was waiting at the door as we walked in she jumped into the air and in two minuets time she was back into one of our beds of in the bathroom
It was 7:00pm when dad called me down for dinner. We started eating as he asked me more questions about my day
"How was your support class?" He ask
"Like the same as every day" I sighed as I played with the spoon near the side of the bole
"Anything exciting happen?"
"No"
"It said in the booklet you actually takes to people today"
"Yea I know"
He continued to look at me I started eating but only a bit
"Can I go to bed now?" I asked
"You haven't even eaten" he said as I stood up
"I had a bit" I said putting what was in the bole in the bin
"Just take something before you go to bed" he gave me this packet of this snack thing and so I ate it as I walked to my room, I got changed into my night wear and waited to dad came up to turn the B-pad back on. Dad walked in to room as I put the clear tubes around my face and came down to the front of me. He turned it on, said goodnight and closed the door. I wasn't that tried but the sound from the B-pan making normal Oxygen to clean and straight oxygen was relaxing, it was soft hum like rain on a roof. I went to bed dreaming that it was just the rain.
It started out like every other morning, being waken up by dad, being disconnected, getting change, and being greeted by Skipper. Yep living the dream. But the going to school but was different, we were early for in reason. Dad needed to get more petrol and I stayed in the car. The smell of the petrol lingered through the air. Dad keeps his window because he knows I like the smell of it (even if it's doing no good for me). He comes out from paying for it with two bottles of water, handing one to me. Since I left mine in the freezer. The started up again and we were off. It was a different root to school. A more shorter root, which means I spend more time at school.
We got to school in the same place I usually off at. I said goodbye to dad and he said it back as I got out. I herd the car start up and he drove off. I looked back for a second but started walking again.
The school morning was... Shit... I talked to Emma again and we walked to home grope, home grope, was shit, as well, this whole class was shit. Our home grope teacher was, being a bitch. I was sitting doing my draft as the whole class was stuffing up like always. I felt like I was the only sensible person their.
Everyone started to walk to their classes. I took the furthest way as always, next class was not support class. I was sad about that. It was English. I'm no writer or someone to tell a story or make a book. But I do it get my grade up to a past. We did this assignment about the book Tomorrow when the war began. Dad told me that he met Mum doing a assignment on this book. Their names are the same as the main couple in this book, well before Ellie the main character gets with Lee.
The class read the book as I finished my daft I did in home grope and handed it in (everyone was busy reading to look) the teacher smiled and looked through it as I sat back down and started read this book about a girl named Hazel. She has the same crappy lungs like me but she's on full time and I'm not. She meets a plot twist named Augustus Waters. They meet at a support grope and fall in love how the book says it, slow but all at once. Love isn't my cup of tea and I don't feel like I'm different even I did have that special person in my life (currently its Skipper, even if she's a dog) but it I never thought about it, I think I'm saying single even if my three cats will complain. About it in the future.
The school bell rang as I just got in to the bit in the book when Hazel and Augustus kinder has like a first date type of thing at the park. Good book but knowing the author of this book theirs going to be a catch. I tucked my seat under my desk and headed off to my next class. A support class. Yay. I arrived there to see a note on the desk
Dear Troy
I won't be able to be here this lesson but just start on the sheets under this note. I will collect them at first break today.
From Mr Evens
So I did the work sheet and started reading again. And then when through my work books and tried to get down at much information as I remember from my last classes. Knowing my report card, all I will be getting is lots of C's. It's still funny how people think I'm the smart one with A's across my report card. It's is still hard to believe in some ways.
I herd the faint sound of the school bell. I put the sheets back under the note and walked out leaving the place like i found it. I was walking to my locker to put my books for my next class in when
"Look who it is, Tray isn't it?" A deep vice said behind me, I turned my head and who I feared the most was who I saw
"It's Troy, Jesse, you got my name right in history yesterday but don't know it now" I said as I turned away. I could feel him grab my shoulder as he pulled my view to him "what do you want now?
"Oh just to mess with your little mind" he smirked pushing me up against my locker, the force on his fist digging into my chest was hard
"Just let me go and I won't do anything to upset you again" I pleaded, he didn't let go only push me more into the door of the locker
"Let's see, err no, I know about you and your little condition" I didn't know what to say
"H-how d-did you find out?" I asked he smirked again pushing me again, the air around me was getting thicker with every breath I took
"I know a guy" he said as he let go of me. I took a deep breath in as I hit the floor but quicky exhaled as I was picked up and was pushed again. The more he pushed me the more I could feel myself drowning in my own breaths
"Please just stop" I tried to exclaim
"No you little bitch of a kid, I will not stop until you just give up and go kill yourself" his vice got deeper, I tried pushing him away but my strength was failing me
"Just give up" his words were a blare as I shut my eyes and clasped into the floor the last thing I heard was him laughing as the world when black.
The only thing I could here was the screaming of the sirens as I was wheeled over to a room were I feel back into the darkness...
I open my eyes slowly to see dad looking at me with wide eyes. I fully opened my eyes as he leaped over and wrapped his arms around me
"Thank god your alright" he cheer as he hugged me tighter
"Dad" I tried to say "your swishing me" he let got of me and just smiled
"Oh Troy, I'm just happy that your alive" he smiled, l looked around the room I was in. It was the same hospital room I'm always in when my lungs stuff up. I checked around the side of the bed to see the hospitals version on my B-pad. I was conettioned to the drip and the oxygen think I always need to be conetted to eveynight.
"I was also told this..." Dad begain to speak "the doctors said, that, since the damage done to your lungs when you were pushed against your locker door, they said your better off full time then just night..." I look of disbelief when across my face as looked at dad.
"They also said if you want to, pull you out of school and be homeschool" i smiled a bit from that bit, no more teaseing. Not more going in fount if the class, and best of all no more homework
"So I don't need to go to school anymore?" I questioned
"Yea, I will be teaching you, so don't think you will get out of it" he giggled as I did too
"Well I think this will be good" I smiled as I fixed up the tubes
I went home a cuple of days later. Skipper was happy to see me as always. Dad shut the car door as I walked to the living room wheeling the oxygen tank over and sat down on the floor as skipper licked my face all over
"Skip" I giggled as I picked her up dad walked over with a glass of ice cold water and gave it to me as he showed me a movie
"I think you might enjoy this" we watched the movie for the tomorrow when the war began, I got to admit it was good, we ate honey cone ice cream and let skipper eat the rest. When the movie stopped dad made dinner and we Ate. He looked at me like I was a new person
"Wow, your actually eating" he smiled as I put the spoon down back into th plate
"Yea, maybe I changed" I said
"See, being on full time isn't that bad Troy, it was just the way you thought about it" I looked at him as I thought about it, it was really that I'm not stuck at school
"I'm still getting used to it" I said "I still wish mum could see this, I'm finally actally getting somewhere" the room went silent as my dad started eating again
"I wish she was too" he sigh as we ate the rest of the dinner in sinlent, questions about my mum filled my head, why did she do that? Why did she kill her self? Right infount of my eyes
I walked up to my room and hooked myself up to the B-pad (which I'm trying to think of a name for) I desighed to call it Phill kinder like Hazles one. I sat up in my bed and looked out the window near it I could see the stars as they alined. I used to wish on the first start I see at night. But I learned that it wouldn't come true, since something bad happens that I wish on start that won't happen came true. I turned away from the window and laid on my bed. I looked up at the sealing and closed my eyes as the huming from the b-pad sang me to sleep
For the the first time in a while I got o sleep in. It was nice to wake up feeling refreshed than sleepy I smiled and looked at my clock. 10:00am on the dot. The first full breath on the clear air throght the tubes was sweet as.
I got out of bed and plugged the tubes into the oxygen tank and got changed. I walked down stairs with the tank in my left hand and when to the living room. Skip was fast asleep on the seat in the left corner. I looked around to find dad. He didn't leave a Note or anything. I got a bottle of water from the freezer and walked to the dining room table. I read the text book on the table and wrote down what I needed to do.
It was 4:00pm when dad came home with a smile on his face. He told me to come over to the kitchen. Their was a woman in her early thirtys with light brown hair that falls onto her back. She were a a lose purple dress and shoes.
"Who's she?" I qestioned takeing another look at her
"Her name is Cassandra, she and I met late In 2013" dad smiled
"And the reson why she is here?"
"Well, i ask her if she wanted to stay with us"
"Okay, I will set the spear room up for her"
"No Troy, I asked her to stay with us because..." Those words freaked me out
"We are engaded" he smiled kissing the woman's cheek as she smiled back,
"But, how, you never told me about this lady" I exclamed
"Troy, can we talk about this later" he whispured to me
"I just don't know why you didn't tell me" I walked up to my room, a while later dad walked on to see me tearing up
"Troy, it was hard to tell you about Cassandra, after all you been throught" he softy said sitting next to me
"You ddin't need to tell me like that, yes she is propbably a amazing person but I hardly know her" I exclamped
"Why don't you meet her, she's still down stairs"
"I can't, you know I'm shy"
"I will come down with you"
"Okay" I said as we walked down the stairs to see her sitting on a chair in the living room she smiled as I walked over
"Sorry about before, he's not really use to new people" dad said
"It's okay, we are all like that sometimes" she smiled, I smiled back
"So you must be Troy, your farther has told me lots about you"
"Really, he doesn't really talk much about you" I said
"It's okay, I'm not really a great person to talk about" she giggeld I went behind dads back as he started talking
"Troy, she's not going to hurt you" he smiled as he pulled me from behind him
"How do I know that for shore" he gave me a death look
"Why don't you two talk for a bit" he left the room and we just stayed sinlent
"So how did you and dad meet?" I asked her
"I was new to his work and he showed me around, after that we talked over lunch and started dating three weeks later"
"Oh so you work togeter?" I asked again
"Yes"
"Okay" I smiled
"So how's life after you were taken out of school" she asked
"Great" I said dad walked back into the room with a tray of iced water, we all sat down talking about stuff but I left after awhile and when to my room.
July 19th 2015
I went straight home after the creaminess. Dad dropped me odd even if he didn't want me to, he wanted me to stay with him and my new step mum, but I knew she will neve be my mother. I waited till they got home, dad had Cassandra in his arms as they giggel, he put her down and ran up to my room.
"He opened the door to see like he did when he first show me her, in tears, he sat next to me and hugged my sided say I'll be okay. He smiled and walked out and this were I am now
July 20th 2015
I dropped the blade onto the floor as tears started to form in my eyes, all the pain of the past years flooded into my mind. Why me, just why. Dad was out with Cassandra and I was left alone they were out for ages and he didn't even relies his own son was falling apart in his own home. I took a breath in and exhaled. I ddin't want to put the blade up and start again. But I did. I tried holding on but my hands shook and wouldnt hold still. I wanted to scream and yell and cry but my mind is telling me no. My breath were getting deeper as I tried to calm down I moved towards my bed as I dropped right in front of it. I brought my seft apun it as I laid my back againce it. With the marks of my blood from the cuts on my arm litey scattered across the sheets I closed my eyes as I desmantal my from the B-pad. I left a note next to me saying I was sorry for what I did. But I wasn't sorry I wanted to go like. I closed my eyes a breathed in.
"It's finally happening, I did it" I closed my eyes as I felt my life slip away from my grip...
A/N: this was a birthday story for a greatest friends I met on here late last year and god I wish I met her earlier, she's made me feel like I was not the only one being obsess with this character/actor. I wanted just to say thank you Discordence for everything:-)
This fic was based off the the song Little Me by Little Mix but only the personally of of main character (Troy) who is Out of character!. Happy Birthday to you Discordence!