People go through life following certain rules and norms that society implants, unaware of the origin of such things.
"Dress nicely to church!". Does God even care how we dress?
"Don't run in the hallway!". With so much space, how can I resist?
"Put down the toilet seat!" . Is it too hard to check before you sit?
"Marry a nice woman and make us proud!" . Now it gets complicated...
Ever since I was a small boy I knew I was different, but then again who isn't. Just like every other boy my age I experimented wearing mom's high heels and even tried on her makeup. They call this part of growing up, a stage where children learn the difference between right and wrong. I love the fact that there is a right and wrong when it comes to this situation. The word taboo seems to be a favorite of our present society. Allow me to say that I don't include everyone in this list, but rather everyone who is stuck in the past. In the second grade I learned the difference between right and wrong the hard way.
I was dropped off in school just as I was everyday, this particular day was a cold autumn morning where the leaves danced and the sun hid behind a dark cloud. I wasn't really the most social child yet I enjoyed every minute of school. I ran down the long corridor to get to class on time, which I did YAY ME!. I sat on our small wooden tables and remembered that we had a special assignment to prepare in class. The teacher explained..
"Students, today we are going to prepare a poster of what we want to become when we grow up. I expect to see nice and original work from all of you, so take out your materials and begin."
I poured out my crayons over the desk and began to draw on the trace paper. The poster seemed bigger than I was, still I covered the whole thing with my drawing abilities. I was quite good if I do say so myself. After about an hour I finished my assignment, rolled it and taped the edge of it. I handed it to Miss Galloza and she gave me a warm smile. I continued to walk to my next class with pride. The bell rang at exactly 3:00 pm and I ran down the hallway (again) to my mothers minivan. I must have gone blank almost the whole day because I only thought about my poster and what I would say when I presented it in class tomorrow. Time seemed to fly, yet my nerves were eating me alive. I always wanted to do a good job in school and I didn't want to let my teacher down, I have to make them proud of me. The next morning I hurried to school, but mom was driving about 15 miles under the speed limit, could she have been doing it on purpose? We finally got to school, I kissed mother on the cheek and went to my classroom. I asked Miss Galloza if I could go first to get this weight off my back, she agreed.
As my peers entered the classroom I began unrolling my poster and ready for my speech. When the teacher saw my poster she changed her look from excitement to confusion. My poster was a big blue house with a pool, a dog and a family. The family consisted of two daughters, two sons, a doctor (me), standing besides me was a man. I began explaining that I really wanted to become a doctor, get married and have 4 children. I want to live by the ocean in a big blue house with a pool and a brown dog named Max. My teacher, very curiously, asked me who was the man standing besides me. I looked at the poster, then looked her in the eyes and said
"Well, that would be my husband". Most of the students began chuckling, others laughed hysterically, except for Kevin who stared at me with a scared look on his face. Miss Galloza went up to me and told me to sit down, I had never seen her so red. I followed her orders and sat to listen to my fellow students and their future goals. When the class was over, I was not allowed to leave. Miss Galloza sat with me and asked me why I thought it was OK for me to have a husband if I am a boy. I couldn't quite understand her point.
"I don't understand, aren't people supposed to get married after getting a job. At least that is what my parents say."
She looked at me in awe and explained to me that love and marriage is something that happens between a man and a WOMAN. The words entered my brain but I couldn't quite process her words. I didn't comprehend what I was doing wrong, or what I had done wrong or what I would eventually do wrong. I began to cry and pleaded to her, I didn't want my parents to come and talk to her.
"I want to be a good boy, I didn't mean to do something so bad. I just thought that this was normal, a family with kids and a blue house. don't call my parents PLEASE!"
I was red and covered in tears (this must be what many call sin). I had never felt guilt to that extent. I was a bad boy who wanted to marry another boy. Since that day I fully comprehend between what is right and what is wrong... or at least I think I do.
My parents were never called and I was left off the hook after my sincere apology.
I have lived almost fifteen years with that day lingering in my mind, telling me that I am wrong and will burn in hell for eternity. But don't people usually say that it is more important to follow your heart instead of your head?
My name is Joe , I am 20 years old, I have dark brown eyes and Black hair and possess no interest whatsoever in dating girls. I have been aware of my so called homosexuality since I was a child, but I remained in denial until about 4 years ago when I began my friendship with Kevin. Many may not view Kevin as perfection, but in my eyes he was the closest thing to perfection on the planet. Tall and adorable. He has these big hazel eyes that I swear could read my mind, he is smarter than most of the guys in the school and has a sense of humor that is unmatchable. We began speaking in the eleventh grade although we had taken class together since second grade. His boyish charm along with his sense of humor had gotten a lot of attention from the ladies yet he remained single saying that he wasn't ready to take the plunge (whatever that means).
We were paired up as lab partners in chemistry class, and boy was there chemistry alright. He was the person who showed me how to open up in front of people and not to keep my head facing the floor. He really seemed to have a lot of faith in me and my abilities. Yet I always asked myself why such a popular person like him would ever befriend a loser like myself. Kevin and I would go out together all the time as friends even though I always viewed our "dates" as actual dates. We would speak about all types of things like film, books, music and even life itself. I aspired to one day win his heart but I remained convinced that we would never have anything more than a great friendship, which I was actually Ok with.
Our friendship remained strong, stronger when I turned 18. My parents were busy with their jobs and had no time to throw me a party, Kevin being the kind person he is showed up to my house and brought me a blue cake with 18 candles. I asked him to come in and make himself comfortable. I was extremely excited to have a friend beside me on this lonely day. We left the cake on the table and headed to our favorite hangout, the roof. I brought a blanket outside with me and placed in the place we would lie down in. I lied there with my hands behind my head just staring at the stars on this cold night. Kevin was doing most of the talking. I listened to his sweet voice and began to smell his hypnotic cologne. All of a sudden a shiver went down my spine when I felt him grab my hand. His head turned towards me, as did mine towards him. I looked into his eyes and listened to him speak.
"I remember that poster you showed us in the second grade. I remember the look in your eyes when you said you wanted a big house and a husband. I remember the kids laughing and the teacher frowning. I remember that you became my hero that day."
A small tear ran down my cheek, Kevin wiped the tear away and moved in closer. His nose was now touching my own, my hands on his sides and his on my face.
"I have been so many years waiting for you, my heart races every time I see you, and now I am not holding back". He moved forward very slowly and began to kiss me, I passed my fingers through his hair and lifted him on top of me. His body was warm yet he was shivering. The kissing began to get very rough, I could feel his tongue passing through my neck and ears. My hands were pressed tightly on his back and his hands moved slowly towards my bottom. The roughness was causing me to slightly moan in excitement as he whispered beautiful words into my ear. I had never felt accepted by society, yet I was feeling loved by the one person who truly mattered to me.
After 7 minutes we stood up and proceeded to go to my room. Again he harshly pushed me on the bed and jumped on top of me. His mouth tasted perfectly, natural like a mouth should taste. Every once in a while I would open my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but I wasn't. I had this handsome stud in my arms and would not let him go. I decided to take initiative and take off his shirt, exposing his beautiful tan body and partially erect nipples. He followed my lead and did the same to me and began to kiss every part of my chest. I began to feel stiff and hot, so I grabbed his hands and moved them to my crotch. He grabbed me roughly and started to rub it as he continued to kiss me. Our mouths had become one and so did our bodies, yet we detained ourselves before anything else happened. He layed bare-chested on my bed with my head on his chest as he softly put his fingers through my hair. He remained silent and stared at the ceiling as I continued to examine his perfect body.
It has been two years since that day and we still remain together, open about our relationship. Kevin has taught me that love is simply a feeling that we grow to learn, yet the ability to love is something you are born with and have no control over. I am extremely fortunate to have found a man to make me happy, and to help me comprehend everything that made me doubt myself ever since that faithful day in the second grade. We are born to live, our plans are set, the journey is lived and the future is chosen. My plan was set and I chose to face it because I possessed no control over it. I created my own destiny by embracing everything around me and dealing with my reality. I have found my Romeo and hope to have a big house and a family so that my second grade poster could transform from an idea to a reality.