A/N: …
Allen: Alright, I guess it's my sad duty to inform you that our mutual friend midnightoasis has gone venturing out…only to stumble upon a plot hole and fall headfirst into it. I suppose that's what she gets for writing Sanctum Immemorial's ending before its middle, huh? Anyway, she had this backup fic tucked away for just such emergencies, and as her muse, I'll be taking charge of the intros from here on out. Or at least until she gets back and gets a rest from her backbreaking coursework. Bleh. Her fault for studying genetics.
So...here's the first chapter of Allen Gets Laid!! ^_~
MOMO: Um, Allen? I don't think that's the title. Isn't this story about me?
Allen: Gotta get the attention of all my adoring fans. And besides, I just thought I'd make it a little more sensational. You know, gussy it up to play to the older audience.
MOMO: Look at the rating…
Allen: Ah, that old thing. Heheheh, who ever actually reads the rating. Come on, now.
MOMO: I guess if you're not going to cooperate…Ziggy!!
Ziggy: Yes, MOMO? What seems to be the problem here?
MOMO: He's trying to make my fic dirty…**points at Allen, who begins sweating profusely**
Ziggy: I see. Come with me.
**begins dragging Allen off into the shadows**
Allen: Wait, Ziggy my friend…Buddy…I was only trying to get more readers hooked in. I swear! I wouldn't have done anything…
MOMO: Okay, now that he's gone to get his mouth washed out with soap, I'll take over as your host! Hi everybody! o^_^o
Allen (from locations unknown): No! Anything but that! Not the Irish Spring! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh---gurgle gurgle…
MOMO: Right…I just want to let you know that wherever midnightoasis may be right now, she does not own Xenosaga or any of Lewis Carroll's works or any of the pieces of literature or licensed items mentioned within this story…So please don't sue her! Thank you! **little MOMO glomps for everyone in the reading audience**
Now, here's the story!
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Wonderland:
or MOMO's grand adventure
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Mina cast one final glance at the smoldering remains of her would-be lover, now nothing but a pitiful mound of ash. A few remains that were beginning to scatter on the bitterly cold arctic winds. No one would know the torment she felt at that moment, the mix of gratitude and resentment she harbored towards her rescuers. Her master was…
"Hey, Jr. Whatcha reading?" MOMO peered over the boy's shoulder at the ancient pages.
Jr.'s face twitched as a few strands of strawberry blond hair brushed against his cheek. He turned to look at the young Realian. "Well, it's quite an old novel by a man named Bram Stoker. It's called Dracula."
"Ooh, really? What's it about?"
"It's kind of a love story, but that's hidden beneath the exterior of a traditional horror plotline, using a monster capable of creating a legion of undead followers as the object of the heroine's affections, and—"
"Um, that's…interesting." She forced a smile onto her face. Monsters…I don't like those very much. Especially the real life ones…"What other books do you have? Anything I might like?"
"Of course no—I mean, I-I'm sure I could find something you'd enjoy." He placed a dried leaf in between the pages and carefully closed the book, marking the exact spot where he was so achingly close to the conclusion. He let out a small sigh. I suppose Mina and the rest will have to wait once more. He stood up and stretched before taking MOMO's hand. "Come on. Let's see what I brought with me."
An hour and three dozen titles later, the two were sitting amidst mountains of books, of every imaginable style and genre.
"How does Pride and Prejudice sound?"
"Um, too mean."
"Ok. What about 1984?"
She wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I want to read a math book."
"Fine. Romeo and Juliet?"
"Ooh! Is there a happy ending?"
"Right…scratch
Shakespeare, then. Oedipus Rex?"
"What's that about?"
"Uh…never mind. Hey, here's
some Nietzsche…Beyond Good and Evil?
Nah, that's no good." He tossed it onto an already overflowing pile behind him.
MOMO rested her chin in her hands. "Jr., I don't want to sound rude, but this is getting kind of boring." She looked at the two trunks that were still packed with novels and compilations and encyclopedias and plays.
Jr. paused with a copy of Waiting for Godot. "Alright, MOMO. Seeing as I know all of the titles I have and their subsequent storylines, how about you tell me something that you're interested in."
"Something that I like?" He nodded. "Okay. Hmm…I know! Bunnies!"
"Bunnies, huh? Let's see…Watership Down would probably be a bit too serious as a starter for you. Wait a second…Yes!" He began digging through a mound of books. "Why didn't I think of that one before? Carroll…Carroll…Here we go! Perfect!" He handed MOMO a small, pale blue book with fading silver embossing on its binding. MOMO focused carefully, and with a bit of visual reconstruction she could just make out the words.
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by
Lewis Carroll. Does it have bunnies?"
"Yes, one very important
bunny. He's the one who—well, you'll see once you read it, won't you? You know,
the main character is also a young woman who has a predilection for rabbits."
"Really? I think I'm really going to like this book, Jr.! Thank
you!" She threw her arms around his neck in a tight squeeze, running off to
begin the book before noticing the young man's surprised blue eyes and
flustered expression.
"You're welcome…"
For the next hour MOMO delved through Wonderland, following Alice's adventure every step before, during, and after her fateful fall through the rabbit hole. She laughed when Alice's was happy, cried when she was lonely, and quivered in fear along with the young heroine as she faced the fearsome queen of hearts. She felt a momentary twinge of disappointment when she turned the last page to find it blank. Then, it suddenly dawned on her: she could read it again! It seemed even better the second time. The third time, she slowed her pace, savoring the words as one might sample a fine wine or hold the memory of a soft, sensual kiss. By the end of the day, she knew every word by heart, every twist and turn of that upside-down, inside-out world. The rest of the crew chuckled at the sight of the young girl reciting the chapters, while Shion joked that she didn't need to deal with yet another bookworm in her life.
Going to bed that night, MOMO placed the book lovingly beneath her pillow but soon found that it made her rest rather lumpy and uncomfortable. In the end, she decided upon clasping it to her breast as she closed her eyes. She wore a serene expression on her innocent face, and murmured softly, "I wish I could go to Wonderland," before succumbing to sleep's gentle embrace.
Chapter One: You made your hole. Now fall in it.
The first thing MOMO noticed upon awaking was the scratchy soft sensation of something other than her pillow against her face. She opened her eyes to see something blurry moving in front of her nose in a sea of green. She focused her eyes to see a tiny ladybug making its way up a slender blade of grass. Wow…I've never seen one of those before…She sat up, enjoying the cool feel of the grass against her hands. She was currently on the edge of a meadow where it met with a small copse of trees, beneath one of which she was presently seated. She let out a small gasp. Wait…it can't be…it is! It's gone!
"Oh no! I can't find my book! Where is it?" She franticly scoured the ground about her until she spotted the familiar faded blue and silver. "Thank goodness." She gave it a small hug.
Rising to her feet, MOMO yawned and stretched out her arms before looking down at herself in surprise. Her usual attire was gone. But wasn't that a part of my design? In its place was a simple pink dress with a frilly white pinafore on top of it. She looked down, remembering the illustrations from the book. Over a pair of white tights were two shiny patent leather shoes, with little buckle clasps. "Hey, this is kinda like Alice's clothing…Hold on." She looked around. "Where am I?" Deciding to explore, she carefully tucked her treasure into the pocket of her pinafore before walking into the trees.
Once she was a few steps in, MOMO noticed a rustling in the bushes. Suddenly, a long pair of white ears popped out from the top. Could it be…"Um, excuse me? Mr. Bunny?" She moved back tentatively when the ears turned to face her. There was more rustling as the rest of the rabbit rose out of the bushes. And rose. And rose. Wow. What a tall bunny. And he looks kinda—"Ziggy?!"
There stood the familiar form of the cyborg that had taken her under his wing. Only he had really long ears poking up from his hair. And…yep. He had a fluffy little tail, too. She supposed that and the gigantic pocket watch he kept glancing at nervously were a packaged deal. "Ziggy, what are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry, Miss. You must be mistaken. I'm the White Bunny."
"Um, don't you mean 'White Rabbit'?"
He gave an exasperated sigh before continuing in his monotonous tone. "No, if I meant 'White Rabbit,' I would have said so. I am the White Bunny. Now if you'll please excuse me, I'm on a tight schedule. I'm late as it is." He glanced again at the pocket watch, which MOMO noted neither seemed to be ticking nor moving.
"What are you late for?"
He flicked out the blade on his right arm. "Oh, you know. The usual. Just a few…housekeeping errands for Her Majesty."
"Her Majesty—Ziggy, wait!" He began to run through the brush. "Ziggy, don't leave me alone here!" She began to follow him as fast as she could.
After breaking though the trees into a small clearing carpeted in leaves, MOMO had lost sight of Ziggy—Mr. Bunny—whoever he said he was. She took a few steps forward. "Ziggy? Zi-iggy! Um, Mr. White Bunny! Where are yooooaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhh…" The sound of her voice dwindled and was lost when she fell into a hole that had been hidden beneath the leaves.
MOMO flailed her arms slightly, though she stopped screaming. If I time my fall correctly and land at the correct angle, then I should be able to minimize any damage. I have to concentrate. I have to stay calm. I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm—I'm—I'm falling. I'm falling I'mfallingI'mfallingI'mfalling…Daddy was falling, too. Her eyes opened wide, and she began to scream again. It stopped this time when she slowed and began to float gently down into the darkness. The stress of falling and her flashback caused MOMO to faint once she reached the floor, and it was some time before she awoke.
Coming to, she groggily looked about. The room she was in had a plush carpet over an earthen floor and naught but a table and chair in the center. She giggled with excitement. There they were—the little bottle and the little cake. Eat Me. Drink Me. Hah, she knew all about this part. Now which was first? Ah yes, the cake. She broke off a small corner and nibbled on it. Mmm…tastes like cinnamon. She closed her eyes and waited for any tingling feelings, a sinking sensation that might alert her to any shrinking. She peeked around with one eye. Nothing. Maybe I need to eat more of it? She took a large bite this time. Still…nothing.
"Fine. I'll try the bottle." She quickly uncorked it and gulped down half of its contents, before hiccupping slightly and grimacing at the bitter taste. "Eww…that tastes just like the stuff Captain Matthews drinks." She spit out what was left in her mouth and wiped her mouth unceremoniously on her sleeve. It had said Eat Me, so she ate it. It said Drink Me, so she drank. Yet, nothing had happened. "Wow. Looks like I just stumbled on somebody's moonshine and midnight snack." She giggled. "Whoever it was probably got so drunk that they needed to label the food to know what to do with it." For some odd reason, MOMO found her joke to be hilarious, and she snorted with laughter before letting out another dainty hiccup…that was soon followed by a rather un-dainty belch. This, too, was extremely funny to the girl, who giggled until the tears poured out of her eyes.
She walked around the room, now finding a door with a tiny window in it that she supposed led outdoors. As she opened it to walk out, she bumped into something large…and squishy. The smell of smoke filled her olfactory sensors as she heard a rough voice speak.
"Who the hell are you, and whaddya doing in my house?" MOMO poked at the mass of bluish-green flab before her. "Hey! Quit that, wouldja?" She looked up to see many legs poking out from the body, with a tiny head atop it all—although it was shaded by the brim of a red trucker's cap, so she couldn't make out much detail.
"You…you're the caterpillar, aren't you!"
She heard a sigh. "Yeah, I know who I am, Missy. Now I'll ask ya again. Who are you?" He curved his long body down to peer into her face and blow out a puff of smoke from the cigarette that dangled from the corner of his mouth.
Waving the smoke out of her face, she tried to bite back the laughter that was welling up inside of her. Captain Matthews stared at her from his caterpillar's body, his skin looking like several pounds of blueberries had been ground into it. "Captain!"
"Huh? No, I am the Caterpillar. Then again, they do sometimes call me Captain Sunshine or Tambourine Man…never really got that one, but if you need your jollies, I'm the guy to ask." He puffed out proudly.
What is he talking about? "Um, that's okay…have you seen Ziggy run by lately?"
"Have I seen what now?"
"Oh! I mean the White Bunny!"
His face instantly sobered up. "Listen, Missy. You don't wanna be goin' around and getting mixed up in that crew. He's one of the henchmen for Her. And believe me," He wiggled a few stumps on his left side that she assumed used to be legs, "you don't want to get on their bad side."
"Well, I really need to find him, though."
"I could always help you…"
Matthews scowled and looked around for the source of the voice. "Great, now that guy's here." He pushed MOMO out of his doorway. "Sorry, kiddo, but I just wanna go enjoy my, er, coffee break. You're on your own." He slammed the door shut.
"Wait, Captain!"
"Ah, so you've met our little Sunshine, huh?"
MOMO whirled around, looking for the mysterious speaker. "Who are you? Where are you hiding?" She swung her arms out in front of herself.
"Got a feisty one here. Well, I like feisty." MOMO closed her eyes and focused on the voice, narrowing down where it could possibly be. "What, no talking now, little girl?" Higher up. He's somewhere elevated. "Come on. I'll be disappointed if you don't play along. Be a sport." Not the house. To her left. A little further. She opened her eyes and smiled. So it was the tree. "Ah, she smiles. And what exactly amuses you, my dear?"
MOMO reached into her pocket and put a firm grip on her book. "Oh, nothing special."
"Really. Well, what is it you're holding there?" She could hear the grin in his voice.
"Do you want to know that badly?"
"If I didn't I wouldn't ask."
She pulled the book out and stared at the spot where he should be, where she knew he was. "Then I'll just have to show you, won't I?" Cocking her arm back, she heaved the book (I'm sorry…) exactly where his head would be and was rewarded with a loud thunk and groan. A figure suddenly materialized and fell to the ground.
Proud of herself, MOMO strode over to the fallen creature. "Hah! I know you, Mr. Cat! Didn't land on your feet this time, did you?" Still lightheaded from that bottle, she giggled loudly, not hearing the growl from her feet.
All of a sudden, she felt cold steel beneath her chin and saw two furious blue eyes boring into hers. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt, little girl?"
She blinked. "Jr.?"
He frowned at her and backed down a little, still pressing the barrel of his pistol lightly against her throat. "What did you call me?"
"I called you—wait, since when do you have fuzzy ears?" She reached out and pet one of the striped, pointed things.
"H-Hey! Cut that out!" He backed off and smoothed down the fur of his ear. "It tickles."
She saw something swish behind him and reached out to grab it. He held her by the shoulders with a shocked look on his face. "What do you think you're doing?!"
An expression of pure joy and amusement crossed her face. "You have a tail!!"
He held it protectively away from the enthralled girl. "Well, yeah. Of course I have a tail." He stuck his nose up in the air and sniffed at her. "I am a cat, you know."
"But, Jr…your face is normal—no whiskers or anything—and you still have your usual clothes on. And your guns." She rubbed her chin. "You know, Jr., that was mean. You really shouldn't joke around like that."
"Jr…you called me that again." He scowled and pointed a finger in her face. "You makin' fun of me, little girl? Nobody's called me that since my brother back in the litter."
"Huh? How would your name be making fun of you? Anyway, stop calling me little girl." She crossed her arms. "I don't like it."
"Yeah, well I dunno you name, little girl. So if you want me to call you something else, maybe we should have a formal introduction or something here," He stuck out his hand. "I'm the Chesterfield Cat. Some people call me Cat, some people Chester, and others just 'hey you.' Take your pick, little girl."
"Okay, Jr.! Well, you can just call me MOMO like you usually do."
"Listen, don't call me—"
"Don't call you what, Jr.?"
"Great, this one's a smart aleck."
Chapter Two: Twin freaks
"So you said this was the way Ziggy—er, the White Bunny was going?"
The cat scratched the tuft of crimson hair between his ears and sighed in frustration. "For the millionth time, yes!" He stopped in the middle of the path they had been traveling along. "Oh no." His ears perked up, and MOMO could hear singing in the distance gradually getting louder. "Just my luck. It's the twins."
MOMO clapped her hands and smiled, remembering that part from the book (which was now safely in her pocket once more). "I know! Tweedledee and Tweedledum, right?"
"Well, you got the dumb part right." The singing was clearly audible now. It sounded like that old stuff Matthews blasted on the speakers sometimes…She stopped in her thoughts when she noticed that Jr. had disappeared from her sight.
"Jr.! Where are you?"
"Shh! Act like I'm not here! Don't worry; I wouldn't leave ya with these goons. I just don't need them seeing me right now. I kind of…owe them money…"
"But gambling's bad!"
"Be quiet! Lecture me all you want later, alright? Just not now!"
MOMO frowned but remained silent, instead listening to the approaching singers.
"I can't get no satisfaction…C'mon, bro! Sing with me!"
"I can't get no sa-tiz-fak-shun…"
"Together now! 'Cuz I tried an' I tried an' I tried an' I tried…Hold on. Hold on a sec." The brightly dressed pair stopped in front of MOMO. The taller one snapped his rainbow-colored suspenders. "Well, well, well. What do we have here?" He grinned lecherously at MOMO. "Such a gorgeous girl as you all alone in these woods? What a shame."
The second twin pushed his spectacles up his nose. "Hey, bro. Cut it for a bit, will ya? She's just a little kid."
MOMO could now see that the two were not twins and, in fact, looked nothing at all alike except for how they were dressed. They, too, were familiar. If she could just place them…"Hammer? Tony?"
The blond one grinned at her again. "Come with me, and you can call me whatever you want. Ow!" He rubbed the back of his head and glared at his…brother? "Whaddya do that for?"
"Just chill, bro."
"Oh, I am chilled, bro. To the max. If I was any more chilled, you'd need a supernova to thaw me out. Come on, let's just do our bit."
"Uh, I don't wanna…"
"Don't be such a girl, bro!" He looked quickly at MOMO. "No offense, Miss." He put his hands on his hips and started tapping his feet. "Just say it already!"
"No! It's stupid…"
"Listen. Just think of this as practice for when a real broad walks through these woods. Like that Queen of Hearts. Man, is she a hot ticket!"
"Ah, whatever, bro. Let's just get this over with."
"Alright, bro! I knew we were related somehow! Okay, ahem." He cleared his throat and smiled more genuinely this time at MOMO. "Now this is our little way to get the ladies' attention if ya know what I mean." He winked at her and stopped when she stared blankly back. "And obviously you don't. That's no problem. You just listen and tell us what you think of it. Alright?"
"Sure. Why not!"
The Hammer look-a-like smiled at her. "What a helpful young lady."
The Tony twin slung an arm around his shoulder. "Of course she is! This girl's got class. So…anyway, here it goes…" Cheesy accompaniment began to play in the background, but MOMO couldn't tell where it was coming from. "Double your pleasure…"
Hammer looked utterly bored. "…double your fun…"
"Double your excitement…"
"and…aw, bro. Do I have to?"
Tony-twin hissed at him. "Just say it!!"
"…and…delight—uh—ment…"
"and…that's about as far as we've ever gotten with it. Usually we'll just tell 'em we're the Doublemint Twins then."
MOMO just stared at him. "Um, how often do they just slap you and walk away?"
Hammer-twin gaped at her. "How did you know?!"
"Yeah…well, it was nice meeting you two…"
"Oh, I'm Peppermint and he's Winterfresh, you know, cuz we're…the Doublemint Twins and all…"
"Uh huh. I'm MOMO. Honestly, I'm trying to catch up with the White Bunny, so I can't stay and talk with you."
The brothers froze. "Did you say…the White Bunny?!"
"Yes. Why? Did you see where he went?"
"Oh, everyone knows where that guy's heading. Straight to h—"
"The Queen!"
"That's not what I was going to say."
"Bro, she's like ten."
"Gotcha."
MOMO started edging past the two. "Sorry to leave so soon, but I have to run. Nice meeting you!" She dashed down the path, relieved that the only sound she heard was the quiet padding of Jr. somewhere to her right.
After they were a safe distance from the brothers, Jr. appeared again. MOMO snickered a little when she saw his tail twitching behind him. "So you see why I didn't want to talk to those two mentally challenged baboons?"
"They weren't all that bad…"
Jr. gave her a sideways glance. "Honestly?" She returned the look.
"They were just…energetic is all."
"Right…you think they're annoying, too."
"I never said that!"
"So you enjoyed they're sad little pick up routine?"
"Well, no. But—"
"Alright then. Let's just go find the Bunny so I can get you off my back."
"Fine then."
"Fine."
"Okay, Jr."
"Whatever, little girl…"
Chapter Three: Mmm…mock turtle soup
They were now beginning up a well-beaten path at the base of a small mountain. Once again, Jr. ruffled his hair. "How the heck do I always seem to end up seeing people I'd rather avoid when I'm with you?"
MOMO raised an eyebrow. "But there's nobody here yet."
"Yet. Up ahead is where that blubbering Mock Turtle lives. Him and that Gryphon. Boy, is she a noisy one. All she ever does is complain about the Mock Turtle's crying…so he cries more, and she whines more, and it's just one big mess I'd rather not deal with."
"So why don't we just take a different path?"
"Hah! It might be the shortest route, but I'll pass on that tea party. They're all mad, you know."
"Uh huh. Well, let's keep going this way for now."
"Why am I always stuck between a rock and a hard place?"
"Because we're on a mountain. Anyway, just walk. I think you're starting to sound like that Gryphon you mentioned."
Sniff…MOMO looked around. How loud could sniffles get?
"Stop it! For crying out loud, it was just a rock!!"
Sniffle. Definitely louder this time. SNIFFLE! Much louder…
"Y-You always say that! But he was my pet rock! Oh, Clyde! I shall never forget you! Oh why, cruel world! WHY!?"
As they rounded the next bend, MOMO saw what looked like a man wearing a big turtle shell with long droopy ears. And beneath the shell…yes, it was a mock turtleneck.
Next to him was a woman's head…with a few feathers sticking out of her hair…on top of a winged lion's body. She—MOMO guessed it must be the Gryphon—kept screaming at the weeping Mock Turtle. Filled with sympathy, MOMO rushed to his side and patted the back of his shell. "There, there. Don't be sad, Mr. Turtle."
SNIFF!! "You hear that, Gryphon? She called me a turtle. If only…If only I still were a turtle. You see, Miss…I used to be a real turtle. But now," sniffle!, "I'm only a Mock Turtle."
The Gryphon rolled her eyes at that. "And really, only even a mockery of that." SOB!!
MOMO frowned at her. "Well, you look like more of a sphinx to me than a Gryphon!"
Jr.'s eyes widened, and he made a cutting sound with his hand, shaking his head. "I wouldn't do that. She's kinda sensitive on that subject—"
"Well I never!!"
"—never mind…"
"At least I'm a real Gryphon." Sniffle! "Not like this sorry excuse for a companion…"
"B-but Gryphon…"
She glared with furious emerald eyes at the bawling beast. MOMO frowned. Where have I seen this before? "Really, Mock Turtle. Just stop crying for once to notice that you have nothing to cry about. Otherwise your crying will only give you a reason to keep on crying, and then your lack of a reason and pointless wallowing will dredge up even more tears…what is it now?"
"Maybe I just want the attention…"
"What? You mean you want me yelling at you?"
MOMO's eyes widened. That's where she's seen this before. "Shion and Allen…"
The Gryphon rolled her eyes once more. "Stop talking nonsense, girl."
The Mock Turtle looked over. "Right. Whoever asked you to get involved?"
"What? But she was so mean to you…"
"I don't really mind. Haven't you ever heard of a love-hate relationship? I hate to love her and she loves to hate me…so we're even."
"Wait…that doesn't make any sense."
"Neither do you."
"Oh! You're just wrong! Why aren't you like the you I knew before?"
The Gryphon looked at the Mock Turtle. "See? Clearly mad."
"For once we agree. She'd probably be better off at that tea party."
"Jr.! Why aren't you sticking up for me?! Jr.? Jr.!!" She looked around, but he must have slipped away in the commotion. A tear slipped down her cheek. "He left me."
The Mock Turtle cringed. "Ugh, she's crying. How horrid."
The gryphon smirked. "How quickly he forgets…"
"What did you say?"
"She should go to the tea party."
"No, I said that. What did you say?"
"I just did."
"What did you do?"
MOMO took this as her cue to leave and hurried back down the trail she had arrived on. She was restraining her tears for the moment, but she could not be sure for how long the dam would hold.
She made her way down the second twisting path to which Jr. had referred. It was dark and ominous and overgrown, but she couldn't take anymore of that awful pair on the mountain. Besides, this was supposed to be the fastest route. She paused with an ear to the wind as she heard something from up ahead. The sound of raucous laughter could be heard echoing through the trees, although, oddly enough, it sounded like a single voice. MOMO froze where she stood, beginning to shake uncontrollably.
She knew that laugh.
Chapter Four: Tea for me, Tea for you, Tea for one, Tea for Two
If there had been no other reason to continue forward than to pursue this adventure, MOMO would have turned and fled immediately. That man…that bad man…But Ziggy—the White Bunny—was somewhere ahead, and she just knew that she would have to find him before any of this could be over. Steeling herself, she began to take slow, measured steps towards the maniacal laughter in the forest.
She entered a large clearing and was a bit taken aback at the sight before her. A long table was loaded with an immense number of cups and saucers, teapots and tea kettles, milk and sugar and cream. This must be the tea party…Then she saw him.
He was sitting next to that scary man from the prison, the one with the scar. Margulis. Except he had two large rabbit ears sprouting from his head. Albedo was two chairs over, his eyes hidden by the wide brim of his ridiculously large top hat. Between them, with tiny mouse ears poking out from either side of her head, was Kirschwasser. Her sister-in-kind. She was asleep, and each of the men—er, creatures, rather—were using her head as an armrest.
MOMO gulped and approached the table, stopping once more when Albedo fixed her with his gaze. Suddenly he closed his eyes and smiled, waving his hands about and shaking his head, while the Margulis-rabbit (I guess he must be the March Hare) simply glared at her. The two said in unison, "No room! Sorry, no room here!"
She raised an eyebrow at the several dozen empty chairs that surrounded the table. C'mon, MOMO. You know what the book says is supposed to happen now. She took the chair furthest from Albedo. "You don't make any sense. There's lots of room here."
Margulis turned to her "Would you like to do some shots of tequila with me?"
"What?! Uh…" That wasn't in the story. "I don't see any tequila."
"That's because there isn't any, you silly little girl. Besides, children your age shouldn't be drinking. Shame on you!"
"But you're the one that asked me—"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did! You asked me if I wanted tequila!"
"But I never asked you to sit down. What a rude child!"
Suddenly, Albedo slapped his hands down on the table. "Why is cheese like a chessboard?"
"Is that
supposed to be a riddle?"
"It's not supposed to be anything."
MOMO slapped one hand against her forehead. "Why am I even wasting my time here?"
"You're not wasting your time. You're wasting our time."
Margulis peered into his empty teacup. "And wasting our tea!" He nudged Kirschwasser awake. She blinked her eyes groggily. "Yes. She's wasting our teatime!" She started snoring again.
"I'm not wasting anything!" MOMO was surprised to feel what she supposed was her first headache coming on.
"No, but you are wasting time. Hmm…" Albedo pulled out a rather battered-looking watch, holding it to his ear before banging it against the table.
"Does that thing even keep time?"
"Of course not! Nothing can actually keep time, ma pêche. But it hasn't worked since he went mad." He jerked a thumb towards Margulis, who was currently licking the bottom of his saucer for any spilled tea. "It happened when I was performing for the Queen. I was singing a classic tune. Now, how exactly did it go? Ah, I remember…Twinkle twinkle little rat. How I wonder, where's the cat? Chasing you with all his might, we're all higher than a kite…"
Margulis yawned. "Right. And then she smashed him over the head with the watch to make him stop. That's when it stopped working." He thrust a cup under MOMO's nose. "Have some more tea."
"But I haven't had any yet. How could I have more?"
Albedo looked flatly at Margulis. "I told you she was mad."
MOMO stood up. "No you didn't! You said he was mad!" She pointed at Margulis, who was now searching through the teapots.
"Of course he's mad. Everyone knows that. Now, drink your tea." He started to reach for her. MOMO dashed for the other end of the clearing.
"You're all mad! Get away from me! Just leave me alone!" She ran into the trees out of sight.
Kirschwasser sat up and blinked her eyes. "Well, she certainly sounded mad."
Chapter Five: It's All in the Cards
As soon as she broke through the last of the underbrush, MOMO found herself in some sort of garden, the scent of flowers pervading her senses. She saw several weapons-grade Realians wearing white t-shirts trimming a few rosebushes with hedge clippers. And airbrushed on the t-shirts were various numbers…along with several hearts.
She spotted one Realian with a megaphone to his mouth, shouting directions to the others. She saw an ace on his shirt. He must be the one in charge here…"Excuse me, sir!"
"NO! THAT'S TOO MUCH OFF OF THE RIGHT! JUST GREAT! NOW IT'S ALL LOPSIDED…" He turned to MOMO. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" She winced at the blast from the megaphone, and the Ace sheepishly switched it off. "Sorry about that. So, what can I help you with, little girl?"
"Um, could you please tell me where I might find the White Bunny?"
He almost dropped the device. "L-Listen, we're working as fast as we can here! This is precision work, and there's a lot of stress involved. Please don't tell him we've done a bad job!"
MOMO looked around, a little confused. "Aren't these supposed to be white roses that you're painting red?"
The Ace of Hearts looked horrified. "What kind of morons do you take us for?! Don't you know the penalty for even trimming these wrong?"
The Seven of Hearts poked her head out of the rosebush she was working on. "It's execution!"
The Ace turned to her and brought up his megaphone. "GET BACK TO WORK!!" He put it back down as Seven resumed her work. She managed to mumble, "At least Six treats me as an authority…"
Ace frowned. "That's just because he's scared of her."
MOMO didn't understand. "She seems okay…why would Six be afraid of Seven?"
"Because Seven ate Nine." ba-dum-bum! He whipped out the megaphone and screamed at the bush to his left. "FOUR!! I ALREADY TOLD YOU NEVER TO BRING YOUR DRUMSET TO WORK!!"
"Sorry…" A disappointed Four walked out of the bush, his head down low and a pair of drumsticks dangling from his hand.
He sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration as MOMO's face went deadpan. "You just can't hire decent work nowadays…Listen, I'll tell you where to go. Just head straight through that bush to my right, take a left, your third right, and you can't miss it. He'll be there with Her Majesty, no doubt."
"Thank you!" She began to run off when Ace called after her.
"Listen, put in a good word for us. Okay?"
"Sure thing. I have to go, so good luck with the roses!"
But he didn't hear the last part. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, FIVE! OK, FOR THE LAST TIME…I SAID OVOID, NOT SPHERICAL!!"
MOMO saw the two white ears poking up in the distance before she even left the garden. Finally…"Ziggy!" She ran through the last of the flowers, ignoring the occasional cuts and scratches. She stopped at the sight of Ziggy conversing with some woman in a bright red dress. As she stepped forward, a hand covered her mouth and pulled her back into the garden.
She struggled out of the grasp, and whirled around…only to see Jr. crouched there with a furious expression on his face. His tail also swished dangerously side to side. "What are you—stupid or something? You must have a death wish, 'cause I swear you were gonna just waltz right up to the Queen of Hearts!"
She turned away from him. "What would you care? You left me back with the Gryphon…"
He shrugged. "I figured you'd handle 'em pretty well yourself." He looked at her pointedly. "Which you did, or you wouldn't have made it this far. C'mon, little girl. If ya weren't so annoying—"
"Is that all I am to you? A bother?" She turned back to where the Queen was, and she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey…I didn't mean it like that, okay? Why do you even have to talk to the White Bunny, anyway? You could save yourself a whole lotta trouble and, er, neck pain by just forgetting about the whole thing. Besides…didn't you say he left you?"
Her eyes watered. "So did you. Why does everybody always leave me in the end?" She ran a sleeve across her nose and sniffled. "I have to talk with him. I don't wanna be here anymore, and I need him to get home. I just know it…"
Jr. backed off, beginning to disappear again. "Alright, don't say I didn't warn ya…and be careful."
She went back into the courtyard, and halted once more. Spilling out from beneath the Queen's crown were waves of translucent blue hair. Her ruby-colored eyes narrowed as she aimed a dart at a target on the wall before nailing its center. KOS-MOS turned to the girl emotionlessly, and Ziggy held out another dart to her.
"And who might you be?"
This was going to be a lot harder than she thought…
Chapter Seven: In the Home Stretch
"I'm M-MOMO."
"Affirmative. Are you aware of the regulations for competitive darts?"
What the—"Um, I think so…"
"Excellent. If you are able to top my optimum accuracy of 96.7894% barring unforeseen wind velocity changes or fluctuations in atmospheric pressure, then you may stay. Otherwise…" She extended an arm and equipped her R-Blade. "I must remove your cranium."
chaos, dressed in similar clothing, walked over with a friendly smile on his face. "In other words, 'Off with your head.'"
MOMO looked between the two…King and Queen of Hearts from those outfits…"Uh, could I just have a minute with Ziggy? I mean, the White Bunny?"
"I don't know. Can you?"
She stared at him blankly. "Yes I can?"
"Oh. Well, then. I guess you may speak to him if that's the case."
"Right…" She walked over to the cyborg, who had suddenly given her his full attention. "Ziggy! Please—why am I here?"
"Because you're not elsewhere."
"No, no. Wonderland! The book! Why am I in Wonderland?"
"You should have asked that in the first place. Haven't you guessed it by now? You're dreaming, MOMO."
"But my dream cycles are usually more rational…"
"You've been reading that book too much lately, haven't you?"
"Um…"
"Just say you want to wake up, and you will. It's not that difficult."
"Okay. Just one more thing, Ziggy. Why did you run off and leave me alone before?"
"Oh, that was just a manifestation of your own insecurities and phobia of abandonment. Just like I'm merely your operating system communicating to you through a persona that you find familiar."
"Huh, I guess that wasn't confusing at all. Bye, Ziggy!" She focused on being back on the Elsa, and the surroundings began to fade.
Epilogue: That Was a Really Short Chapter
MOMO sat upright in bed and looked down at the book clasped tightly in her hands. She set it aside and shook her head. "No more of that for now. Maybe I should try reading something else." She looked at the title of a novel that Jr. had left for her earlier that day.
"The Wizard of Oz, huh? Could be interesting…"
To be continued…maybe. ^_^
MOMO: Hmm…personally, I think midnightoasis rushed the ending a bit, but I still had fun!
Now read and review everyone! 'Cuz I'm adorable! o^_^o