'Twas the Night before Solstice
By I.N.K.
As told by Bilbo Baggins
(Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkein owns Lord of the Rings, I'm not sure who owns "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" This is strictly a Parody.)
Twas the night before Solstice and all through middle earth,
Not a creature was stirring—Not even the Hobbits who were usually stuffing their faces. So wide was their girth!
The elf bow strung up Galadriel's golden hair,
in hopes that Sauron, Lord of Gifts! Would be there,
The Hobbitses and Elf-children all nestled in bed,
Whilest Dreams of orcs and dragons filled their "Precious" little heads,
And Elrond in his nightshirt and Gandalf in his Hat,
Had just put out the fires on the library maps.
When off of the treetops there rose such a clatter,
Aragorn rose with a curse to see what was the matter.
We ran to Minas Tirith, ascending to the Wall,
And the sight of Helm's Deep could be seen by all,
And the moon through the trees on the river's glow,
Gave a sparkle like Mithril to the objects below,
When what to Legolas' elf-eyes should appear,
But a large flying dragon—and Nine ANGRY Reindee-….NAZGUL!!
The Rider so sinister and Happy and filled-out with brawn,
I knew in an instant it must be Lord Sauron,
Faster than eagles the ringwraiths—they came,
He called and he shrieked—it just was not the same.
'Now Darkblade, Now Glider, Now Saruman and Tim!'
'Now Wingwind and Dwarf-eat , Now Wraithring, Timbal, and Kingsly—Kill Him!'
'Hurry! Over Deep and Field and to the Top of the Wall!'
'Hurry Now! Hurry now! We Must Slay them all!'
The Lorien Leaves that before Wild Balrogs, fly,
When met with an obstacle they mount to the sky,
So to the Battlements the Ringwraiths—they flew,
With a Dragon's hoard of gifts—And Lord Sauron, too!
Than in an instant I heard the cries from their Maws,
And every tear and scrape of their sharp, dark claws,
As I pulled Gimli back in and Turned with a shout,
I was in time to see Sauron Lounging about,
He was dressed in his War-armor from his head to his foot,
And Smelled of brinmstone—he was covered in soot,
A bundle of rings he had in his sack,
I drew my Anduril—glad to have it back.
His Eyes—How they Flashed! His armor—So SCARY!
His skin like dark shadows, his demeanor of anger—Verily, very!
His usual scowl drawn up in a smirk,
Eomer lowered his hand to draw his dirk*,
A great black pipe held between unseen teeth,
The smell of it seemed to be "Old Toby!"
His armor so black as deep as the night,
His smile as deadly as the edge of a knife,
Tall and Brawny—Three yards he filled out! —No one could say that he was an elf.
That I started and screamed in spite of myself,
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
He began to search—and I to dread.
He spoke no common word but went to his work,
Searching then filling each backpack (with gifts), and turned with a jerk,
Slipping his finger a ring of pure gold,
He disappeared from sight, Elrond muttered "The One Ring of old!"
He mounted his dragon and took to the sky,
Away they all flew as he cackled 'Good Bye!'
But we heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
'Happy Solstice to all! May the Bed-Orcs Bite!'
I.N.K.: I came up with the idea for this on a jewelry site () that sells LotR Jewelry as well as telling you what your name would be if you were a Hobbit/Human/Dwarf/Elf/Wizard and Male/Female. If I were a wizard my name would apparently be "Sauron, Lord of gifts". Thus the idea formed. Enjoy.
* A dirk is a type of dagger often concealed for last-minute usage.
Isusarad 'elir - Merry Christmas (in Elvish) I am surprised it exists in Elvish but it does.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.