Tears of a Clown
Disclaimer: New Tricks and all it's characters belong to the BBC. I make no money from these stories...Unfortunately.
Rating: T.
Episode: Big topped.
This story is a sequel to 'Witch's Brew'
/
"You going to mope about in here all evening!" Sandra jumped and looked up at her office door. She gave Gerry a small smile.
"That was the general idea. Yes."
"Look, I know you're angry at Jack, but in the end..." Gerry trailed off, shrugging. "What could he do?"
"I know. I'm just angry that everyone has lied to me for thirty odd years. And the worst thing is that just about every other person except me seemed to know about it. I just don't see my Dad as a killer, that's not the man I remember."
"Yeah, but you only knew him as your Dad, you never knew him as a man. I thought my Dad was the greatest person in the world, until I grew up and realised that he was a total wanker." Gerry grinned. "Trust that prick from upstairs to upset the apple cart." He stopped smiling as she looked down at the desk, her face hidden, but he had seen the tears welling up in her eyes.. "What? 'as he been back down here, giving you more grief." His voice had taken on an edge, boss or not, he had wanted to punch the git yesterday when he had left them with that sarky comment, if he had been having another go, nothing would stop him from rearranging the bastard's face.
"No, no he hasn't. That's not it."
"Then what? Sandra, I know I'm not the typical agony aunt type, but I'm your friend. You can talk to me." He sat down opposite her. She looked up at him, her eyes moist. She regarded him as one of her closest friends, she trusted him with her life, but she wasn't sure this was something she could share with him. Jack was the only one who knew her secret, but at this moment he was probably the only one she couldn't talk to. He must have sensed her torment, because he reached down and grasped her hand in his.
"Sandra, whatever it is, you can tell me." She looked into his pale blue eyes, so earnest, with such a depth of care, she knew he had a good heart, and right now, she needed a shoulder. His were good and strong.
"I went to see Christy Berlin, at her office. I...I confronted her about her relationship with Rob...Strickland." She closed her eyes at her slip, she knew Gerry would notice.
"Rob eh, anything you want to tell me?" He questioned, only half joking. She continued as if she hadn't stopped.
"She's using him Gerry. She told me straight that the only reason she's with him is to get her fathers' case re-opened. She's going to hurt him."
"And? Why is that our problem, I mean he got us into this under false pretences."
"Yeah, and none of us are guilty of that are we?" She scolded. He grinned.
"Fair point." He conceded. "But again, why are you so concerned about him?"
"She'll chuck him as soon as she's got what she wants. Gerry, he's been so hurt this last year, this could destroy him."
"Why do you care?" He echoed, but he wasn't being unkind, she could see the question was leading to something else. "Sandra, I know in the past I have pulled your leg a bit about you and him, but you can be honest with me. Do you 'like' him?" He put a special emphasis on 'like', so she knew what he meant. She sighed.
"If only it was that easy."
"Try me."
"Gerry, if I tell you, I want you to promise that you won't interrupt, you'll let me tell you the whole story." He nodded.
"Okay."
"Do you remember the witches?" She asked. He smirked.
"Is that a trick question? I've been married and divorced three times!" He was pleased to see her laugh out loud. "Any particular witch in mind?"
"Craig Rossiter." She clarified. He nodded.
"Not likely to forget that one. Why?"
"I went to see Rhoda Wishaw in the woods, and she drugged me."
"Yeah, I remember, you were out of it for several hours..."
"No. I wasn't out of it. The tea she gave us, it was..."
"Brian gave us the details from his little book. But Jack said you must have only drunk a little because you fell asleep."
"He was protecting us. I didn't fall asleep Gerry, I got the full dose of the potion, so did the DAC." She fell silent, watching his face, trying to read his expression. She could see he was processing the information, and she waited nervously for some kind of reaction. Eventually he nodded.
"Right, I assume you and he..."
"Several times." She confirmed.
"Sandra, can I ask you something?" She nodded, slightly surprised at how calmly he had taken the news. "After the 'witches' you kept on wearing...well...odd clothes." He saw her raise an eyebrow and held up his hands. "I mean, long sleeved shirts and jackets in the middle of summer. High collars and scarves. I mentioned it to Jack at the time, he said you'd had some kind of a reaction to some perfume and not to worry..." He looked pointedly at her. She nodded shyly.
"I got some bruises, but before you get angry, it wasn't his fault. The brew made us lose control completely. You should have seen the damage I did to his back and shoulders." She tried to sound flippant, but she was terrified that the most volatile member of her team would lose his cool at any moment.
"I know there must be a really good reason why you are telling me this."
"When I confronted Rhoda, she told me that her tea couldn't create an attraction between people, it only amplified existing feelings..."
"So, you do like him, you did then." Gerry sighed. "I'm assuming neither of you said anything."
"Oh I said something alright. I took the cowardly way out and told him I wanted to forget all about it!" She laughed harshly. "That's the problem, I know she is going to hurt him, but I'm just as guilty as her.."
"No you're not." She blinked in surprise.
"How do you mean?"
"Because you care about him, she doesn't. That makes you better than her."
"No, no it makes me worse, because I broke his heart, knowing full well how much he cared, and I knew the pain I was causing him..."
"So why did you?"
"Because I was scared shitless! I've never been so out of control before, and I was terrified that it wasn't so much to do with the potion, as it was to do with him! I have never felt so utterly dependant on anyone, and I couldn't face it, so I told him it meant nothing!" She couldn't hold the tears in any longer, and she let Gerry enfold her in his embrace as she sobbed against him. "I told him it was nothing..." She kept on repeating. He held her, trying to give her some sort of comfort, until eventually the crying subsided and Sandra straightened up, wiping at her eyes with a tissue from the box on her desk. Gerry smiled.
"Better?" He asked, she shrugged, smiling ruefully.
"A little, thanks." She admitted. She sighed. "I never thought it would hurt so much."
"What?"
"Seeing him kiss someone else. I wanted to run over and rip her hair out, what kind of person does that make me?"
"A scary one!" He exclaimed, making her laugh, she gave him a friendly elbow. "Seriously, what right do I have to be jealous, I had my chance. It's not his fault if he has decided to try and move on."
"Oh, I don't think he's moved on."
"Eh?"
"Think about it. Christy Berlin, a strong woman who has succeeded in a male dominated world, beautiful, ballsy, blonde...Remind you of anyone?"
"You think he's..."
"Oh, not consciously. But I don't think he's over you."
"Oh, I don't know what to do, should I warn him?"
"God no! Just...just be there when he needs you."
"Gerry. Thank you. You don't know how much it means to me that you are my friend. I must say, I'm a little surprised though, I really thought you'd hate the idea of him and me..."
"I suppose a little bit of me already knew. There was a change, after the wicca thing. He stopped flirting with you, in fact, he really backed off. At the time I thought it was because of his marriage falling apart, but there was always a little bit of me that suspected something had happened between you. What can I say, he's a tosser, but he's our tosser."
"Gerry, will you promise me something?"
"Can I know what it is before I say yes?" He grinned. She smiled.
"Will you always be my friend?" He laughed.
"That's an easy one to keep. Even I can manage that!"
/
"Jack. About my dad, you're wrong."
Sandra walked away from the group, she knew she had to face the business with her father, and with Jack's involvement in his death, but all she wanted to do at this moment was catch up with Robert. She had seen his face when Christy had given him the brush off, it had been an echo of the look he had worn back then, when she had been the one rejecting him. She headed for the car park, casting around searching for him, then her eyes found him, sitting on the bench by the bus stop, his head hanging down, a picture of dejection. She approached him softly, not sure of what to say, until she stood behind him, she smiled gently.
"Do you need a lift?"
He looked up, his eyes fixing on hers, she took a breath, the usually sapphire blue orbs were dull and he looked like a shadow of the man she had made love too all those months before, the burning passion she remembered, extinguished.
"My ride seems to be otherwise engaged." He said softly. She nodded.
"I know. I'm sorry." She paused, trying to find the right words. "I can take you home, if that's where you want to go. Or we can find a pub and drown our sorrows." He looked at her, confused. She sat down on the bench next to him. "Finding out that my Dad was being investigated for murder just before committing suicide. I always thought he had died of a heart attack. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I could do with a drink myself." She saw his eyes widen.
"You didn't know?" She shook her head. "Jesus! I am so sorry. It was a cheap shot, I had no idea..."
"It's alright. I'm glad I know now. Seems I was the only one who didn't."
"Still, I shouldn't have said it. I was out of order..."
"So was I. I should never have tried to push you into a corner, using your relationship with Christy. Though, if you had come to us and told us from the start that you were emotionally involved, you know we'd have helped, God knows we've all played that card at some point."
"But that's because you are a team, you all care for each other. I can image what the boys would have said had I come to you all and said, 'my girlfriends Father died mysteriously, can you look into it?' They'd have had a field day." He shrugged "Anyway. I am sorry. I still shouldn't have thrown personal insults at you, it was unprofessional and you certainly didn't deserve it." He looked back down on the floor. She reached out and took one of his hands which were handing limply between his thighs, she entwined her fingers with his.
"You're forgiven." She whispered. He looked down at her hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze. "So, do you want to go for that drink?"
"Maybe a quick one."
/
It was early evening when Sandra pulled up outside the block of private apartments which Robert had directed her to. They had only had one drink each, and he had asked her to give him a ride home, as his car was still at the station. She was mildly impressed, the building was an old Victorian school which had been renovated and converted, the arched windows and ornate mouldings gave the building an elegance and the grounds were clean and well kept, the mature trees and grass verges softening the architecture and creating a peaceful corner within the centre of the busy metropolis.
"It's beautiful." She muttered as she climbed out of her car. He smiled."
"I like it."
"Which one is yours?"
"That one." He pointed to one of the top windows."
"Second floor. I take it they built a lift in, that could get tiresome if you have a lot of shopping." She grinned. He laughed.
"What can I say, I enjoy looking down on people."
"Maybe it's more of a way of distancing yourself from the bustle of the city."
He looked at her, his face unreadable.
"You know me better that I know myself." He murmured. She looped her arm through his.
"Can I see inside?" She asked. "Please." She didn't want to just leave him at the door, she needed to make sure he was alright. He nodded and led her inside. They rode the lift in silence until it stopped and Robert pulled back the old fashioned concertina door. He unlocked the large white wooden door and showed her into the most beautiful area. The ceilings were high, and the apartment was open plan, with a modern kitchen and dining area leading through to the open and spacious lounge area. The enormous arched windows bathed the flat in glorious natural light. The colours were muted and natural, creams and pale greens mixed with the polished wood floor and fittings and leather upholstery made the place a calm and relaxing feel. Sandra sighed.
"This is beautiful." She turned and smiled at him. "Really beautiful."
"Yes it is." He agreed, though he wasn't talking about the flat, he was looking at her. Their eyes met for a second before he looked away. "Thank you for the ride." He said, she could see him pulling away from her, shutting himself back behind the walls he had built to keep the world away.
"She didn't deserve you." She said, the words leaking out before she could pull them back. He shrugged. She decided to bite the bullet. "How long had you been going out with her?" He sighed, making his way to the kitchen and switching on the coffee machine.
"About five weeks. We met at a charity function arranged by the Commissioners wife. She started to chat to me, and it blossomed from there. I should have known it was too good to be true, a beautiful, successful woman choosing me out of all the men there, there had to be a catch."
"I'm sorry, but she was a bitch. She only wanted one thing and she's used to getting her way, no matter who gets hurt in the process. As I said, you deserve better." He shook his head.
"I'd really not talk about her. I know she was only with me to get her father's case re-opened, but...well...It was better than being alone, if only for a short while, and even if it was fake." He looked at her. "I'm sorry, I expect you are the last person who wants to hear about my personal life. I promise I will keep things 'professional' from now on." He turned back to the coffee, unaware of how his words had stung her. The words she had spoken to him back when she had rejected him, echoed in her head, like a train thundering through a tunnel. "Would you like a coffee before you leave?" He continued, but when no answer came, he looked back over his shoulder. He noticed the pained look on her features and turned and took a concerned step towards her. "Sandra? Is everything alright?"
"No, no it's not. I lied to you. It did mean something to me, that day. I was scared of how I felt and I took the chicken's way out. I lied and I hurt you. I am so sorry." She took a step towards him and raised her hand to his face, but her heart sank as he took a step back, out of her reach.
"Sandra, I...I..." He shook his head. "I can't." He watched as the tears formed in her eyes, cursing himself for putting them both in this situation. She gathered herself and reached for her keys.
"I had better go." She was almost at the door before he called out after her.
"Sandra! Wait!" She stopped, her hand on the door latch. "Sandra, you have to understand, watching you walk away from me once was bad enough. I don't think I could face it again."
"Why do you think I would do it again?" She didn't face him, she couldn't risk looking at him right now.
"Because everybody does. Sooner or later everybody leaves." His voice shook, and she realised that this time he was the one who was scared, but she was the one who had made him frightened, she had pushed him away when he had been at his most vulnerable, and now, he was seeing a pattern that wasn't there. She did turn to face him now, the open fear in his face broke her heart, she needed to tell him the truth.
"Rob. I spoke to Rhoda Wishaw, she told me that the tea she gave us couldn't create attraction, it could only amplify it. I realised then that I did care for you, and it terrified me. But not as much as the other day, when I saw you kissing her, and I realised that I may have lost you to her. That terrified me even more." She closed the gap between them. "Rob, please." She didn't know what she was asking him, just that he needed to understand. He looked down for a moment, before reaching out and caressing her face with his fingertips.
"Oh Sandra." His words almost came out like a prayer. "I have loved you from the first moment I met you. I was trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman who did as she pleased with whoever she pleased. The thought of seeing your face everyday kept me sane, then we started to become friends and I thought that maybe, with a little time you would see the person I really was. Then that witch happened, and everything turned on its head, and suddenly I meant nothing to you. I nearly died that day. It was that morning that my divorce was finalised, and suddenly I meant nothing to anyone. I had never thought about taking my own life before, but that day I really couldn't see any point in carrying on." He had tears running down his cheeks, his voice was hoarse. Sandra was crying as well, she hadn't realised how the timing of her rejection had nearly tipped him over the edge.
"Can I ask, what stopped you?" She whispered. He nodded.
"You. You stopped me. I decided that it was enough to see you from day to day, even at a distance. If I couldn't love you, then I would protect you, and the unit. If I couldn't be the one to share the light with you, then I would sit in the dark, and make damn sure the light would always shine for you." He took a breath. "I love you Sandra. I always will, no matter what." He reached for her with his other hand, as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Before either of them could think about it, they were caught up in a tangle of arms, their lips locked in a dance of passion. Robert drew back just long enough to whisper. "Are you sure!"
"Oh, God! Yes! I've never been so sure in my life."
"I want to tell you something first." He looked at her earnestly, she nodded slightly worried. "She never came here. I want you to know that I'm not the sort of man to jump from one relationship to another..."
"Oh Rob, I know that, you don't have to explain yourself to me." She smiled at him, a warm bright smile which thawed his heart for the first time in months. He laughed.
"Do you realise that I haven't been formally 'dumped' yet."
"Well, if I were you, I'd send her a quick text, get in there first!"
"End a relationship by text? Isn't that supposed to incredibly bad form?" He asked, she smirked.
"Yes it is. Something along the lines of 'you have a lot of things to deal with at the moment, so it would be best..Yada yada.' You get the idea."
"Sandra Pullman, you can be very scary sometimes." He grinned. She smiled and caught his lips in another searing kiss.
"Oh, I can be a complete witch."
/
A few hours later, they lay side by side, bathing in the afterglow of their passionate reunion. Sandra sighed, laying her head on Robert's shoulder affectionately rubbing his arm which was lazily draped around her. She played with his fingers, absent mindedly rubbing the white mark where his wedding ring used to be.
"Do you think you'll ever wear a ring again?" She wondered out loud, he kissed her hair, breathing in the smell of her shampoo.
"Well, it depends."
"On what?"
"On whether or not you say yes." He whispered, "That is, when I pluck up the courage to ask you of course." He smiled against her head as he felt her freeze. "Too soon?" He asked innocently. She let out a laugh.
"Maybe just a little. We haven't even been out on a proper date."
"True. Though I did take you for dinner that time."
"Dinner? When."
"When you had to present that award. I took you for lunch." She looked up at him.
"I'm not sure scampi and chips at the local pub counts as a romantic meal."
"Really! Then I'll have to arrange something more 'classy'". He paused as his mobile beeped. He glanced at it. "Oh. It looks like she beat me to it. 'Dear Robert.." He read. "I'm sorry, there is so much going on in my life at the moment, I really don't feel I can give you the time you deserve. Also, if they decide to prosecute my father, you will be put in a difficult position. So I think it would be better if we didn't see each other any more. I'm sorry, I hope there are no hard feelings." He looked at Sandra. "I've been officially dumped."
"May I?" She asked, holding out her hand for the phone. He watched as she tapped out a message and pressed send. "There." She handed it back to him. He looked at it suspiciously.
"Do I want to look?"
"Go ahead." He read the message out loud.
"Dear Chrissy, I'm afraid I was thinking along the same lines. I was going to wait until later though and ring you, I'd never send a 'dear john' by text. You really do have enough on your plate at the moment, I'm glad you have found what you wanted. It was fun while it lasted. Rob." He put the phone to one side before turning towards her.
"You are amazing."
"I've just had more experience of being dumped." She smiled, capturing his lips with hers. He moved so he could respond to her, his hands wandering. She sighed. He looked into her pale blue eyes, his mid blue orbs sparkling with emotion.
"Will you answer a question for me?" He asked. She nodded. "When I do pluck up the courage to ask you, do you think you'll say yes?" She smiled, a bright smile which lit up the room.
"Without a doubt. After all, a certain witch once told us that we are very compatible." She leaned in closer, so that she could whisper into his ear. Her hand snaked under the covers, finding her target and making him gasp.
"And she was right, the sex is incredible."
/
Author's note: I found it hard to bring this to an end, I hope it's not too abrupt. Sarah.