This is the first story in my new "Disneython" series where I'll be writing short, perhaps disturbing parodies about each of the Disney Animated Canon movies: one per film. These will be written in chronological order, making "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" the first. If you review please let me know if you thought it was funny or not. Thank you.
The Queen's Little Friend
The Evil Queen was down in the castle dungeons, concocting a plan to kill Snow White. She was paging through her numerous books of evil, trying to decide what to use, when she came upon a book that she didn't recognize.
"Weapons?" The queen paused. She had found it all the way at the end of the shelf. "Why…I don't remember this book at all."
She opened it and began to page through. As she read, a smile of cruel glee crept across her face.
"Yes…this is incredible. I cannot believe I had not looked through this book before!" She said to herself happily. The raven that lived down in the dungeons hopped nervously behind her to try to get a quick peek at the contents of the book. The Queen slammed the book shut with a loud THWAP, and the raven fell back in panic.
"This is perfect." The Queen smirked. "Yes…I'm not sure what it is, but it's perfect, I can tell. I must get to work."
The dungeon had enough random ingredients to make just about anything, even the bizarre weapon she had never seen before. The recipe was as follows: the pieces of wood from a barrel, the rage of a bull, cold steel, careful aim, and the hardest of all to find, the "Hare-Trigger".
All mixed into a boiling potion, the liquid solidified into an odd piece of metal with a long funnel. The Queen read through the "Weapons" book several times to make sure she understood the operations. When she thought she was ready she tried picking the thing up, but it was incredibly heavy.
"My…" The Queen gasped as she dropped the Weapon onto a table. "That is quite something. I may need…a stronger form."
She wandered back over to the bookshelf to grab a thick book titled "Disguises". The dungeon raven watched the strange Weapon carefully.
"Now…I need to be…stronger." The Queen paged her way through the book. "Hmm…yes…yes…perfect!" She stopped on a page and began mixing a new series of ingredients. Extra-protein beef, raw eggs, tasty yogurt, ten pounds of beans, and spinach were all mixed together into a drink. The Queen poured it into her cup and began to drink it nervously. It felt like swallowing a bundle of seaweed.
Lights flashed and lightning thundered. The Queen screamed as a rush of horrible burning sensations scorched her body. At last she blacked out as a feeling of painful weariness began to swallow her up.
When she woke she wobbly stood up and climbed the stairs up to the Magic Mirror. She gasped as she saw her new form: obscenely buff, with muscular arms and legs. The spirit of the Magic Mirror began to appear.
"What wouldst thou- Jesus Christ." The face began to disappear.
"Come back here!" The Queen snapped. The face reappeared warily.
"Um…what wouldst thou know, my Queen?" The Magic Mirror asked.
"I am doing this to kill Snow White, just so you know." The Queen said angrily. "This isn't for fun. I just wanted to let you know that."
"Well…I can tell you that you are the most…chiseled in the land, my lady." The Magic Mirror muttered, somewhere between disgust and laughter.
"Why don't you go back to the farthest space?" The Queen growled. "Just go away. Just…just as far away as you can. The farthest of spaces. As far as you can go. The farthest…just the most…distant corner away from me right now."
"My pleasure, my Queen." The face disappeared into the darkness. The Queen's face twisted with rage and she punched a hole in the mirror. The glass shattered, destroying it. The Queen looked down at her hand and picked the pieces of glass out one-by-one, none of which had left a mark.
The Queen eventually went back into the dungeon and grabbed the Weapon she had created.
"Laugh at me, will you." The Queen thought angrily about the mirror. "I'll show you- and Snow White!" The Queen picked up the hefty Weapon and climbed into a nearby boat leading down a dark underground river. She dropped the Weapon down and began rowing.
Several hours later the Queen stood in front of the Dwarf's cottage, the submachine gun at the ready. She knocked on the door with a beefy fist and pointed the gun straight ahead. The various animals watching nearby rushed off to warn the dwarfs.
"Hello…?" Snow White opened the door.
"Hello." The Queen replied, firing seventy-two rounds of hot lead into Snow White's face. Snow White didn't even have time to scream before her head was blown completely off and her dead body fell back into the opening of the cottage. The Queen smirked and made her way inside.
"Who's the prettiest one now, bitch?" The Queen spat on Snow White and then made her way over to a table. She tried to sit down on a chair. "God those dwarfs are small. Little bloody midgets." She positioned herself carefully and sat, but the chair creaked loudly under her weight.
Seven minutes later the dwarfs made it back to the cottage, along with the animals that had retrieved them. The Queen stood up slowly as the Dwarfs burst into the house, along with an army of deer, birds, and other cute critters.
"It's the ween, the bean, the Q-Queen!" Doc gasped, pointing at the Queen before even noticing Snow White's headless body. "And she's got muscles!"
"Rata-tat-tat motherfuckers!" Shouted the Queen, firing the submachine gun back and forth into Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey, and the animals. Blood, gore, wood chips, and various pieces of internal organs went flying all over the cottage, and the inside walls were painted red. The Queen laughed and laughed, and the few animals that could escape ran far, far away into the woods.
Several minutes later the Queen finally stopped. She gasped for breath and collapsed back onto the tiny chair she had been sitting on, almost falling off of it. She dropped the Weapon, which fell to the ground with a loud clattering.
"Holy shit." She muttered. She looked around the cottage, admiring her handiwork. Only the area behind her had been left untouched by the violence. She turned around curiously to see what was there.
Pie! She needed something to eat after her hard work. She dragged the pie over and messily stuck a thick hand in. She grabbed a handful and shoved it into her mouth.
"Damn." The Queen muttered. She grabbed another handful. "This is good. Wow. Goddamn." She stuffed more into her mouth.
"I should have kept Snow White around as my chef. I probably could've just punched her in the face a few times, make her uglier than my uncle." The Queen swallowed the entire rest of the pie. "Damn, that is one fine pie."
With a loud cracking sound the chair the Queen sat on collapsed and she was sent falling a few feet onto the hard wooden floor.