Author's note: It's been a long time since I posted an update. Life has taken over. I have deleted my prior uncompleted stories as I have yet to come up with updates for those. But here I am now with a new story. Just hope you guys like it! Give it a try… reviews will be very much appreciated! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee and any of its characters.
xxx
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.
You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down
I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
Xxx
Rachel wondered, as she waited for her flight to be called, how simple lines of some old song which meant nothing to you when they were current now makes you realize things that were unclear until this moment. She stared at her iPod like it would give her the answers she was suddenly seeking. When the stubborn music player merely stared back at her, refusing to provide her with more clues, it took all of Rachel's strength not to slam the stupid device at the airport window.
Shaking her head because of her utter foolishness, she wiped off the iPod with her thumb for non-existent dust, as some sort of apology for blaming the innocent thing. She could not even blame the song. It was not the reason for her impulsive decision that led her to book a flight even before asking permission to take a leave from her show.
It was supposed to be another mundane day for one Rachel Berry. Routine dictated that she wakes up at exactly 6 AM to go out for her 1-hour run in Central Park. Thereafter, she would go home to take her 30-minute shower and then a breakfast consisted of coffee, scrambled tofu and toasts; all the while with the morning news in the background. After said meal, calls to her people should be made to inquire or rather confirm her schedule for the day. Then, she should be off to rehearsals until time for the show comes. Her day would then end up around 10 PM in her apartment at the Upper East Side where she would watch the evening news until she feels tired enough for bed.
Routine dictated this to her for 3 years now.
Routine dictated no deviation therefrom.
Until she decided to tell "Routine" to go fuck itself.
Xxx
Earlier that day…
Sitting while enjoying her scrambled tofu and reading the newspaper, Rachel was perfectly content in her own little world. She was told that it was kind of redundant to be perusing the New York Times while Good Morning NY was playing in the background but Rachel could not care any less as she believed that it did not take anything from her; it was her routine.
"Today we are very excited to be interviewing through phone patch such talent and beauty that is Quinn Fabray."
Not even a second from hearing the name, she dropped the Times and swivelled from her stool at the breakfast bar to focus her attention on the TV. And there it was…Quinn Fabray. Well, a picture of and a voice belonging to her. The girl who was currently promoting her latest movie. The girl who was said to be taking the whole world by storm. The girl who, after all these years, made Rachel feel things she had kept to herself for fear of being hurt again.
Quinn Fabray.
The interview was standard. They talked about the movie where the blonde played a spy opposite Tom Cruise. It was pretty boring that was until a simple question was thrown by the interviewer.
"With all the things you have achieved at young age, is there anything you still wish for?"
Simple, right?
Simple question that required a scripted reply, right?
"*extended silence* Since I was a little girl I only dreamed of being happy. Of course, I wished for success but at the end of the day, I am still an ordinary girl that hopes for a happy ending.
"And are you there now or getting there?"
"I once thought that I was but…people are given detours by life. At times you won't even recognize yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror. I am not saying it's a bad thing. I am really grateful for the career I have been given. But sometimes you just wonder of those what-might-have-beens, you know?"
"Wow…hmmm…care to elaborate on that one?"
"*laughs* I don't think so. I think I have dug a deep enough hole that is probably going to cause me phone calls from my people after this interview. So, let's just leave it at that."
"Okay. I bet we're also gonna be receiving many questions from your fans for that. So, would you like to invite our viewers to watch your movie?"
Meanwhile, a vegan alone in her apartment was left dumbfounded thinking about happy endings, getting there, detours, success and what-might-have-beens.
Xxx
She was startled from her reverie by the airport voice announcement informing passengers of boarding. She was on the process of retrieving her purse when doubts came barrelling her mind.
What was she doing?
Was she seriously on her way to California to see a girl she hadn't been in touched with for the past 3 years?
And because of what, a vague answer she was not even sure if it was connected to her?
Taking three steps backward and shaking her head because of her impulsiveness, Rachel was stopped when she bumped a passenger on his way to the boarding gate. After receiving a frown from the said man, she took steps toward the near wall to lean on it and take deep breaths.
What was going on with her? She thought she moved on from her past or so she let herself believe. She was happy now. Yes, she was still by her lonesome but she was happy. Right? She was the star of a critically-acclaimed Broadway show where she received her first Tony, first Drama Desk and first Grammy. She had done several guesting for some TV shows, one of which earned her an Emmy. She was successful here in New York. The state that is more than 2,000 miles away from Los Angeles, the city that holds one Quinn Fabray. She did not need this trip to complicate her peaceful existence here in her sanctuary.
But there they were again…phrases like happy endings, getting there, detours, success and what-might-have-beens haunting her mind. Why did the blonde have to open her mouth and make her question things?
Damnit, she has no right to do this to me. After 3 years, she has no right to have this hold on me. But I'll be damned if I will let her get away with this! She has no right! Absolutely no right to talk about the past and make it seem like she regrets her actions! I won't be begging for apologies. I just want her to know that she has no right!
And with that thought, Rachel Berry was on her way to Los Angeles to tell Quinn Fabray that she had no right…to do what she did. How she will accomplish that did not even crossed the mind of the diva.
Xxx
Here she was now. With both hands fisting the steering wheel tightly that her knuckles had gone white, Rachel took deep breaths whilst staring intently at the gated mansion that housed the girl that broke her heart 3 years ago. Actually, if she was being honest with herself, this same girl was still shattering her heart with each day that passed. Because of her, Rachel did not believe in love anymore. Because of her, Rachel found it so hard to trust anybody. Because of her, Rachel had long forgotten her dreams of building a family of her own. Because of her, Rachel believed that long lasting loves were just figment of imaginary minds.
This Rachel Berry was nothing like the girl that she was 3 years ago. Long gone was the girl who dreamt of having success in Broadway and finding that elusive real-life leading man (or in this case, leading lady). She had it once, or so she made herself believe then. They were in love and filled with shared dreams and plans. Until one day, one of them suddenly decided let go and forget.
It hurt like a bitch.
It still hurt like a bitch.
Not knowing how it ended the way it did.
Just having the memories of a heated argument, screaming and yelling, tears, lots of tears, luggage being filled and the front door slamming.
She had a lot of questions that remained unanswered to date.
She convinced herself that she would never get said answers; that she did not need them.
And yet, here she was.
Xxx
3 years ago…
Her body was physically shaking with excitement. She could not wait to share this huge news to Quinn. Since graduating from their respective colleges, there were some struggles when it came to finances as their lives were filled with unfounded hopes and blunt rejections. But they survived it all because they had each other. Their love was instrumental in them making it through every challenge.
Thus, at this moment, Rachel could not really ask for any more. She had the love of a perfect girl who treated her like a queen and the dream of Broadway was finally within reach.
She could not help but to almost run when their shared apartment was insight. She burst through their front door and was ready to shout til her throat hurt the news she just got.
She was about to open her mouth when she caught sight of her girlfriend. The girl was sitting on their couch, eyes trained on the wall, seemingly unseeing. She did not even react on the fact that Rachel just surged through their front door.
"Babe?" the brunette inquired, cautiously approaching the blonde who remained stoic. "Baby?" she repeated. Still nothing. She carefully touched the girl's shoulder before taking a seat next to her. Nothing. "Quinn, is everything okay?" She was getting nervous by the minute now. The blonde might as well become a statue the way she stayed frozen. "Honey, you are making me nervous. Please tell me. Is something the matter?"
Rachel was used to her girlfriend shutting off everyone when things get rough so the diva waited patiently. After around 5 minutes with the blonde saying nothing, the brunette was about to open her mouth and attempt to bring her girlfriend back to earth when with a tiny voice, Quinn finally spoke.
"I got another rejection," Rachel had to try a bit harder to catch the words. "I got another rejection and I don't think I can do this anymore, Rachel. It hurts too bad," Quinn uttered louder this time.
"Oh honey…" Rachel started. She wanted to be sympathetic to her girlfriend. She wanted to be comforting. However, she got a different reaction from the blonde who roughly shrugged the arms that were trying to envelope her and stood abruptly.
"I don't want your pity, Rachel! God!" Quinn was suddenly screaming which made Rachel's head spin.
"Baby, I was not…"
"I don't want anybody's pity, especially from you! You should know better! You are in the same situation as I am. You give your best in every fuckin' audition and for what? For those fuckin' assholes just to shove it in your face that you are not good enough! Fuck them!" Quinn was like a madwoman now with her pacing the floor and wild hand gestures. Her anger was vibrating through the walls of their tiny apartment.
"Quinn, just try to calm down, okay?"
"I WILL NOT FUCKIN CALM DOWN! They have no right, absolutely no right, to just crush someone's dream just because they have some huge stick up their asses! I nailed that audition!"
"I know, baby…"
"DON'T YOU FUCKIN PATRONIZE ME, RACHEL! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO KISS MY ASS!"
"Quinn, I don't know what you want me to do here. Why don't you just sit down and let's try to talk this over. Tell me everything."
The blonde was breathing heavily through her nose while gripping her hair tightly.
Rachel was one of the few people who knew that despite Quinn's hard façade, when the going gets rough, just like normal people, a hug would go a long way. So, gingerly standing up, the brunette made an attempt to just do that. But then, the blonde suddenly turned around with much wrath in her eyes that made Rachel take a few steps back.
"Don't you dare turn yourself into a victim here. Just like you always do. I AM THE VICTIM HERE, RACHEL! NOT THEM AND DEFINITELY NOT YOU! You've been there. You saw how I rehearsed for that role! You saw how I can practically recite those lines even when asleep! You also know that I am bigger for this role and yet I auditioned because as you said everybody has to start somewhere. And what do I get in return, huh? I was told by those mother fuckers that I, Quinn Fabray, was not good enough for a supporting role in a pilot that is not even certain to be picked up! SO NOW TELL ME RACHEL TO FUCKIN CALM DOWN! TELL ME!"
"I am not patronizing you, Quinn, for what I am about to say. I read the script. I know you since high school so I know your potentials. You deserve so much more than that role and if they can't see that, well, it's their loss not yours, baby."
"Really? Would you go out of your way and tell them that if you TRULY, TRULY believe it is their fuckin loss?" Quinn said through a smile and in a tone that was both mocking and terrifying. All Rachel could do was close her eyes and gather all her strength not to snap back at her girlfriend who was obviously hurting at the moment. "You couldn't, right? Because if you could, you would have told every producer who rejected you in all of those auditions. Or are you saving it for the latest audition? Tell me, have you heard from them already, hmm? A piece of advice, Baby, don't get your hopes up. As I see it we are being punished for all the crap we did in high school. Me for being a bitch and you for being a one-tracked mind ambitious diva who would crush anybody who got in her way whether it be for one pathetic solo or a lead in a play that was not even recognized by the school district as anything but abysmal. So, my darling girlfriend, let me save you from further heartbreak and tell you that you are just setting yourself up for yet another rejection."
This was the final straw for Rachel. She tried. God knows, she tried to understand where Quinn was coming from. It had been months full of shattered dreams and survival to get through the day with their minimal income. She too was tired until a light was shone her way earlier that day. But if things were reversed and she was rejected and Quinn got the role, she would be happy for her. Hell, she would even forget her own heartbreak to celebrate her girlfriend's success. Because ever since she fell in love with the blonde, Rachel centered her universe around Quinn. Quinn's happiness was hers. Quinn's pain was like daggers to her heart. Quinn's dreams added to her own pile. She was convinced that they were one and the same person. And so she thought. Judging from the way Quinn was acting now, it felt that the blonde treated her as a separate person. For how could she say such terrible things to her. She was still human and humans react to their environment.
"Actually, Quinn, I got the part," Rachel confidently but through tears informed the other girl.
She should have just slapped the blonde.
Quinn's jaw slacked and she took careful steps back until she was leaning against the nearest wall. A staring contest ensued between the two. Both refused to back down. No words were uttered. Silence was deafening as it was a prelude to something bigger, uglier.
"Wow…" Quinn breathed, finally ending the silent war. "Couldn't have picked a better time for that one, huh, Rach? You just have to stick the knife deeper into my gut because those assholes hadn't done enough."
Rachel was immediately filled with guilt. It was true. She shouldn't have allowed her own emotions to overtake. She should have just let Quinn blurt out all her frustrations and paid even if in the end, she would have been a little bruised by it. She should have known better. Quinn loved her. Quinn wouldn't do this on purpose. She was just hurting. Once again, Rachel cursed her big mouth. "Quinn, I didn't…"
"You didn't what, Rachel? Mean it? Why? Is it not true? Did you not get the part?" Quinn's demeanour was no longer mad. She was defeated.
"I did but…"
"But what? It was the truth. Why spare me the truth? It wasn't you who was not good enough. It was me. And I shouldn't have been surprised. You were always better than me," the blonde was no longer looking at her. Her head remained bowed. Her voice was just above a whisper. All fight was lost in her. Even though Rachel could not see her eyes, by the way the blonde's shoulder was shaking, she knew Quinn was crying.
Rachel took 2 long and quick strides towards the blonde and wrapped her arms around her waist. She was sobbing as she buried her face in Quinn's neck. "I am so sorry, Quinn. I really am so sorry."
Their sobs echoed through the room for what seemed like hours to them. They continued to be wrapped in each other's arms but for the first time since being in a relationship with Quinn, Rachel had never felt so distant from the blonde. She very well knew that although she was hurting for Quinn, the latter was in her own world, one which was far away from hers.
And Quinn did not disappoint.
She felt Quinn's sobs subside right before she felt herself being nudged away from the blonde. She looked up to Quinn's face and was not able to recognize the person staring back at her. "Baby?" She had to summon the love of her life back.
"I can't be here anymore, Rachel," Quinn was not angry but she was replaced by this cold and emotionless person.
"Wh-what do you mean? Quinn?"
She was not given an answer. The next thing she knew was she was alone in the living room and sounds of zipper being opened could be heard from the bedroom. Panic run through her body as she ran to the room she had shared with the blonde. The blonde who was now filling up her luggage with clothes and other things.
"What are you doing, Quinn?" Rachel asked while standing by the doorway.
"I can't be here anymore. It hurts so bad."
"You're leaving me because of this?"
Once again, she was not given an answer. Rachel knew she had to act quickly; otherwise, the life they had struggled to build would just end up in smokes because of this petty argument. She move towards Quinn and caught her wrists to stop her from packing. "Quinn, please. We can talk this through. You don't have to leave."
"What's the use of talking this through, Rach? I know it's so selfish of me but I cannot watch you reach your dreams while I fail with mine. I know I am being self-absorbed again but it is better this way than me pretending to be happy for you because I know that sooner than later I will resent you. I am not proud of this but it is the truth, Rachel. I have to find my own success and I don't care if I have to travel to the other side of the country to achieve that. I have to do this."
"So you are choosing your own dream over what we have built and strived for for two years?"
"Like I said I am not proud of this decision but I can never be more honest and truthful to you than at this very moment."
Rachel's head was spinning. She could not comprehend how her life turned into this when just a few hours ago she felt like she owned the world. But now, everything was crumbling around her. A few hours ago, she had the best of both worlds, Broadway and Quinn. Now, she had to make the painful decision: Broadway or Quinn. It was painful but it was not Sophie's Choice.
"Then I will come with you," she revealed her choice clearly that left no room for doubt.
Quinn merely responded with a humourless laugh. Shaking her head, the blonde stared at her and said, "That is a great sentiment but I don't need you to sacrifice anything for me." Not so gently she removed her wrists from the brunette's grasp and continued filling up her luggage.
Rachel Berry had always prided herself for being determined and stubborn and there was no way in hell she would stop being like that now. Not now when her world was in the verge of being torn apart. So while Quinn was rummaging through the closet for more clothes, Rachel decided to take the obvious step. She sat on the luggage with chin held high and arms crossed in her chest.
When the blonde turned to her luggage and saw what her soon-to-be ex did, she simply sighed, dropped the clothes in her hands and went to the side table to pick up her purse. Seeing the blonde about to move towards the door, Rachel with lightning speed jumped and successfully blocked Quinn's path.
"Rachel, please."
"Is it that easy for you to just turn your back from me?"
She saw the blonde swallow visibly.
"I know you are hurting, Quinn. I love you and I want to be there for you. This is not me making any sacrifices. This is me showing you that everything else pales in comparison when it comes to you. Your happiness is my happiness. And if moving to California would make you happy and forget whatever pain you experienced here in New York, I would whole-heartedly go with you. Broadway means nothing, New York mean nothing if you're not with me here. So please, if you badly want to go now, just wait for me to pack and we could book a flight to wherever you want to go. Please."
She was begging now. Quinn did not answer. The brunette knew she had to do everything to make Quinn stay or allow her to go with her. She cupped the girl's face with both hands and kissed her with all the love she can muster. At first Quinn did not kiss back but Rachel only kissed her with more ferocity and passion. Before long, they were moving backwards towards the bed.
Rachel would like to believe that she had finally convinced the blonde to stay. But she should have known better. The kisses though passionate had something akin to goodbye. It was like Quinn wanted to convey not only her love for Rachel but regret of not being a better person than what she was about to do. Rachel should have known better. She should have stopped Quinn from conveying those thoughts through acts of passion.
And when all was done, they were both in tears. Quinn rolled away from her and Rachel knew it was a lost cause. So, she turned her back away from the door and just silently feel how Quinn embraced her from behind and gave one final kiss to her neck before whispering "I love you, Rachel Berry. I know I am going to regret this forever. But it is better than hurting you in the long run. I wish I was a better person for you. Goodbye, my superstar."
She tried to silence her sobs while she felt Quinn get dressed. She tried to muffle her cry while she listen to Quinn's footsteps walking out of the room and halting for a few seconds only to continue moving to the living room. She tried to hold her body to stop it from violently shaking as she heard the front door open and slam close. She tried to shut her eyes from the reality that her world had just been shattered to pieces. She tried to eject from her mind the fact that she just let that one person who mattered to get away.
Xxx
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