Pizzal Ranchstination 6: Cactus Dread (Avocado Edit)
Composed by Launchpad Mcquack and the finest amphetamines money can buy
(LMQ: This is the Avocado Edit of Pizzal Ranchstitation, the Final Destination fanfic I wrote starring all of my Pizza Ranch co-workers. In this version, all names have been changed, some inside jokes have been erased, and since this was written for just a few select people, I will do my best to explain some of the details in the paranthetical assides labeled LMQ)
Kooky Kharacter Kast
George Lucas-Not sure what this guy does, I've seen him do chicken a couple of times. (LMQ: He's the owner)
Roberta Lucas-Owner and Propreitor of Morris Pizza Ranch (LMQ: Owner's wife)
Suzie Makbule- AKA the Suez Canal. Wanted in 30 States, Unwanted in 30 more.
Love Wait-"I don't wanna Wait, for this line to be oveerrrrrr..."
Launchpad McQuack-Unbiased Sex Deity
Kelly Kelly-Silent but meddling
Dawn Drechser- LOL JK Wut okkkkkk XD LOL
Brittney Brittany-Local girl (LMQ: I lost my virginity to this girl)
Steph Oscope-The B is for Bargain
Davey Hrugruba-hfkhaf ldjfbalsb lfbdaskbfd afad (LMQ: This person is hard to understand.
Rebecca Hrugruba- Davey's lovely Wife.
Kari Gatomon-Digimon Season Rankings: 31425
K.C. Missouri- I've never met this person, but I'm going to stylize her as a cowboy. (LMQ: K.C. only works, weekdays, I only work weekends)
Duke Marazzo-Starred in a hit 70's cop show, Murder Police!, that ran from 1985 to 1988
Marshall Weare-OMAHA! (LMQ: Marshall only speaks in sports cliches)
Bob Mould- Fuzzy driver with a heart of mold, err, gold
Mandy Patty-The sarcasm chasm, the cynical pinnacle.
Jacob Ryan-Chris Rock meets Chris Tucker, in a library. (LMQ: He's Quiet)
Emily XYZ-(LMQ: This person is a clone of three former co-workers named Emily, two of them were nice, one was a bad egg).
Esmeralda Van Eps- Like most installments of Scooby Doo. Get it? Van Eps? Van Episodes?
Sam Pickle- I've met this person once, so expect an extremely vivid character portrait of both tradgedy and triumph.
Vivica A. Wolf- 1/10th the size of Shaquille of Neal, 7/8th the size of Roberta, 5/9th the size of Neil Patrick Harris, 7/17th the size of... (LMQ: George and Roberta's 14-year-old daughter)
Seth Thomas-doofus (LMQ: This is the person who asked me to write a story for him)
Joe Rinky- The Burger King of Comedy. George Carlin is the Filet Mignon of Comedy (LMQ: An ongoing joke between me and Seth is that Joe is the unfunniest person in the world).
Hoozah! Completion of Wet Willy's Wet N' Wild Water World in downtown Cyrus has offically occurred! Erected (hehe) at the site of the Ol' Haunted Middle School, what this facility lacks in width it more than makes up for in height. Standing a Harry Potter (seven stories) high, it casts a bleak, dewey shadow upon uptown Cyrus down the hill. As a reward for years, months, days of reliable service, Pizza Ranch Head honcho George Lucas has used his community presence/mafia ties to secure 24 exclusive tickets for his loyal clue. Little does George know, but the waterpark has not been properly safety tested as of yet and is actually doing Wet Willy a tremendous solid by securing twenty-four able-bodied lab rats to tryout this underwater maze. The crown jewel of WW's WN'W WW, the only ride in the park as a matter of fact, is Magellan's Journey: nearly 5,000 miles of spruce-thick tube, twisting and turning through nearly inch of the building, even the gift shop! In fact, park architects studied the intestines of fresh cadavers so the the labryithine maze accurately matches the human digestive system. Not only that, the inside of the tubes have been meticulously painted so that a silent Tom and Jerry cartoon animates itself as swimmer travel through the slide at over 40 miles per hour. The park is closed down on the last Sunday of every month in order for a new cartoon to be drawn. And water, nearly 9000 gallons of glacial springwater pumps through the Magellan daily. But fear not, Kenya, for a water treatment facility in the shape of a brain was built at the top of the giant building, ensuring that the same water is used over and over again.
Every current employee as of 4/2/16 showed up, creating a cricket-like cacophony of shivers and murmuring like patrons of a very large and wet elevator.
"I'm excited to ride the thing," says Vivica.
"I'm excited to see everyone in their swimwear," says Launchpad. Smash-cut to Davey and Duke in matching lime-green slingshot speedos.
"This is going to be the greatest day of our lives!" bemuses a starry-eyed Bob, wrapped in a Buzz Lightyear towel.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..." begins Seth.
"I'm in a bikini." says Dawn to no one in particular.
"Fgsfdg gasgg adfv dafaad," Davey says to his sensible one-piece wearing wife.
"Yes, I hear it's lovely this time of year," replies Becky.
"Boy Howdy, this place is sloppier than my pa's kitchen spitoon, yee-haw!" bellows K.C., twirling her Walker Texas Ranger towel around like a lasso.
"Water," says Jacob.
"Is this your first time at a water park?" Sam asks Brittney.
"Umm, yeah." says Brittney.
"That's astounding!" says Launchpad.
"This place smells like Chlorine," Esmerelda observes.
"Water Docking a Boat? What are you talking about?" explains Joe
"Kobe!" says Marshall.
"Stop calling me that," says Emily.
"Park," says Jacob.
Suzie and Love show each other pictures of their kids that they've lamenated so they won't get wet.
"wwwwwwwww yeah." ends Seth.
"Alright everybody settle down," says George. All talking immediately ceases; although they are indoors, George is wearing a mustache of suntan lotion above his nose. "I'd like to thank everybody for the blood, sweat and tears put in the store over the past few years, especially Suzie." Mild applause. "And I figured the only way to repay that debt was to secure first dibs for the greatest waterslide mankind has ever seen and to get all of you soaking wet!" WILD applause. "One of the specialties of the Magellan is that the whole staff can ride it at once; the entire journey takes about 25-minutes total, so each of us can enter at one-minute intervals. I know everyone is excited to be the first to ride this architectural marvel and affront to God, so a round-robin Yahtzee tournament was held to determine the batting order, and the order is as follows." Rob pulls a Pizza Ranch napkin out of his trunks and reads the order.
"It's weird how the more boring people are near the front of the list," Mandy observes.
"That was one hell of a tournament though," Marshall says.
"K.C. sure was good with that Dying thing," says Suzie.
"You mean rolling the dice?" says Love
"Yahtzee!" says Jacob.
"Not now Jacob." says Kari.
Here are the Yahtzee Round Robin Tournament Final Standings
K.C. (24-0)
Emily (22-2)
Sam (22-2)
Becky (21-3)
Jacob (20-4)
Kari (20-4)
Vivica (18-6)
Kelly (17-7)
Duke (16-8)
Dawn (16-8)
Esmeralda (16-8)
Love (15-9)
Roberta (13-11)
Steph (12-12)
George (10-14)
Brittney (9-15)
Suzie (8-16)
Marshall (6-18)
Joe (5-19)
Bob (4-20)
Launchpad (1-23)
Mandy (1-23)
Seth (1-23)
Davey (0-24)
Everyone climbs up the green ladder in their assigned position. The edifice creaks and groans over having to support human weight for the first time. Gigantic beads of sweat trickle through the pulsating veins and get a few Ranchhands wet for the first time.
"FVCK YEAH WATER," an absolutely amped Duke begins shaking the ladder in anticipation, and the gigantic metal thing jiggles a little more than one would assume it could. When Seth isn't hypontized by the back of Mandy's neck, he notices that a few of the screws are only halfway in.
"Is this OSHA acceptable?" Seth asks Launchpad, who spends 700 hours a week in a factory making metal shit.
"Don't worry about those OSHA shitheads Seth, screws are strong. Screwing screws in half-way saves a ton of time. I should know, my factory had a hand in making this satanic slip n' slide." This does nothing to quell Seth's nerves.
"Launchpad! Turn Around!" yells Mandy and Launchpad obeys, whimpering like a seel.
"I can see my house from up here," Joe says.
"I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me," three people say at once.
Seth's digestive system starts to feel like a water-slide of its own as his co-workers enter the void. Launchpad says something ironic like "You can have my dog if I don't make it" as he disappears. Thomas' feet dance on the egde as he sits in the lukewarm base. The 35-year-old lifeguard who only has ravioli and porn to go home to gives him a "hey kid are we gonna be here all day or what" look. Seth swallows the dew drop of spit remaining in his mouth and takes the plunge.
Seth thought the controlled excitement of a water slide would be enough the quell his nerves, but the apparatus was very poorly constructed. Several lose nails and ridges peeled his skin off as he traveled and the tube started to become claustrophobically small. The water was the color of peanut brittle and the Tom and Jerry cartoon was a seizure-inducing blur. It was like spiraling down Satan's colon. Seth, being one of the scrawnier employees, expected to end up in a logjam composed of everyone behind Steph and drown within the human beaver dam. Something far grizzlier happened instead. The constant force of twenty-four vessels shifting and shaking caused a tube at the bottom of a very steep decline to unscrew itself. The amount of speed the average human being has at this point in the ride is 80 mph. A physics professor looking at the schematics for this fun slide would probably shit their pants in laughter.
The loose tube acts as a hydro cannon, spewing half-naked co-workers on an unsuspecting city. K.C. is flown through a shelter-belt of maple trees and the branches gather her guts like red streamers. Emily hits the water tower, leaving a big red exclamation point after the S. Suzie sees the silouhette of Emily flying out the window and begins to scream, but everyone is all in at this point. The tube becomes a nightmarish scream chamber, where determining the distance and direction of the screams becomes impossible; escape is impossible. Sam's entire body is pushed through a sewer grate at warp-speed like an envelope. Becky's head gets lopped off by the automatic doors at the grocery store just as they are about to close. Jacob gets shot at the McDonald's Golden Arches and the upper portion of the right arch peels all of his skin off. Kari goes full-force into a stop sign about 10 feet away. Vivica was actually too short to ride in the first place and drowned half-way through. Kelly is one of the few who do not scream and is driven ten feet deep into a sandbox. Duke is impaled by a flag pole, his blood turning the Star and Stripes into a banner that resembles China's. Dawnwaves to shocked on-lookers like a parade balloon and crashes into the side of Coffee Shop, disrupting several lattes. Esmeralda becomes John's (LMQ: Local video store, that's right, LOCAL VIDEO STORE) first customer of the week, but passes away before she can buy used copy of Big Momma's House 2. Love is shot very high up at a 90 degree angle. Roberta crashes through a house-window but a couple making love breaks her fall. She walks out of the house relatively unharmed but Love lands on her, killing them both. Steph burrows out like a cannonball but a strong gust blows her into the nearest wind turbine. George actually built up a tremendous amount of velocity while on the slide and is sent rocketing into outer space, where his head explodes. Brittney suffers an anureysum and dies in mid-air. Suzie collects several powerlines like spagetthi on a fork before landing in the lake near the fairgrounds and vanishing in a puff of purple smoke. Marshall crashes head-first into a Cenex gas pump, causing a tremendous explosion of pyre. A worker at Dairy Queen had just finished cleaning the windows as Joe crashes through and disrupts a Blizzard; truly the funniest thing he ever did. Bob is sent straight down 5th Street but his progress is impeded by an oncoming train. Launchpad lands directly on a barbed fence directly across from where he used to live on East 2nd Street. He begins to regret his decision to stay in this town as he sinks to the bottom of the fence but his organs remain on top. Mandy goes through a chain-link fence at the elementary school, turning into several cubes. Seth's life flashes before his eyes in slo-motion as he unceremoniously crashes into a brick wall: his first steps, school field trips, becoming a lead at Pizza Ranch. Just as he is about to hit brick, a small drop of water from the Magellan hits him right between the goggles, knocking him out of a zen-like trance. George has just finished reading the list and everyone is slowly walking up the stairs to their doom.
"Hwhhaa wha what? Ibba got what, I mean, huh blood people everywar guba whahey" Seth babbles incoherently.
"Speak a little quicker Seth, I can't understand you." Mandy says.
"There's There's There's There's There's."
"Uh huh."
"There's going to be massive bloodshed!"
"In Rwanda?" Bob asks.
"Noooo! Here!." Seth frantically scoots his way to the front of the line, nearly breaking his neck a dozen times as he climbs up the wet staircase. He is able to grab K.C. by the straps just as she is about to slide down.
"What in tarnation?"
Before K.C. has a chance to European Uppercut him, Seth grabs the lazy lifeguard's megaphone without much effort and stands at the base of the Death Slide, careful not to tumble down Alice in Wonderland style.
"LISTEN EVERYONE. I HAD A, ERR, UH, A VISION. ALL OF US WILL DIE HORRIBLY IF WE GO DOWN THIS SLIDE. EVEN SUZIE. WE ALL NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY." At first everyone is a little hesitant, but there is certainly something sinister about this complicated design. In about five minutes, the entire Pizza Ranch staff walks down the stairs, gets dressed, and is out of the building just in time for it to collapse, killing every migrant worker still inside.
"Holy Hell," says George.
"Good gracious," says Roberta.
"Oh my gosh that could of been us you guys," says Suzie.
"That's some chronic shit, y'all," says Love.
"And that's the way the news goes!" says Launchpad.
Kelly's mouth open a little.
"wut," says Dawn.
"Umm, ok," says Brittney.
"Goddammit, left my car keys in the locker," says Steph.
"Ofsf datgd hymfigbd" says Davey.
"I love you too, Dave," says Rebecca.
"I finally understand Joe's 'Water Docking A Boat' joke," says Kari.
"Well shoot me sideways with a gravyboat made of cornbread," says K.C.
"Not again!" says Duke
"Quite the fourth Quarter collapse, eh John?" says Marshall.
"Is anyone going to help those people or are we all just spouting catchphrases now?" says Bob.
"Mamma Mia!" says Mandy.
"Rubble," says Jacob.
"Dear God, does Adam look cute in that shirt," says Emily.
"Fuck," says Esmeralda.
"Purpose is a towering obelisk. Joy is its eventual rubble," says Sam.
"I can't see," says Vivica
"SEE? SEE? I TOLD YOU," says Seth.
"I'm giving that building collapse a 9 out of 11," says Joe.
"Seth," George begins. "I apologize on behalf of everyone. Sorry we ever doubted you. You saved all of our lives."
"Three cheers for Seth!" Mandy says.
"HIP HIP!"
Everyone calls their loved ones in hushed tones to tell them what almost happened.
"HIP HIP!"
Several people kneel down and pray, while several others sit down on the curb and think.
"HIP HIP!"
Everyone breathes into their hand, just to make sure they're ok.
Despite the divine brush with death, everyone returned to their low-paying jobs. While the traditional morning shift prepared for the day ahead. K.C. practiced her dice-rolling with five mints in a see-through plastic cup. Although she appreciates Seth for saving her go nowhere life, that little cowpoke cost her the grand prize of the Round Robin Yahtzee tournament. George has made it clear that he will not redistribute the prize in another form. A sharp pain begins performing a Tribal Dance around K.C.'s wrist, forcing her to cease shaking cup and get to work. She takes it upon herself to rotate all the pop bottles in the front cooler so their labels are facing outward. Two things 1) The Coke Dealer who delivers the beverages to the store has secretly been shaking every bottle because one of the few joys in his life is imagining one of his plastic darlings spraying someone in the face. 2) A local wastoid kid also has been shaking all the pops because his parents won't talk to him. It's common knowledge that a pop bottle that has been shaken more than 100 times may as well be a live grenade, and the median number of shakes for every soda in the cooler is roughly 113. K.C., unwittingly reeanacting a scene from the Hurt Locker, slightly rotates a 2 Liter of Mello Yello. That Yello is anything but Mello, as it sets of a chain reaction of fizzy drink eruptions. Caps bearing Sweepstakes fly everywhere. However, this isn't K.C's first shootout, and she deftly dodges them all. The mixture of Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mello Yello, and etcetra create a nasty black bubbling puddle of sucrose. As K.C. walks to the back to grab a wash cloth, she slips on the Dark Matter and cracks her head on the front counter. It's impossible to determine how much blood she lost because it mixed with the sugary solution almost immediately. The pain in K.C.'s wrist disappears.
A little bit about Emily that was glossed over in the Water Park scene: with interest in getting a Pizza Ranch job at a all-time low, George decided to get into the buisness of cloning humans to work at his buisness. His first experiement was Emily, composed of the DNA of the 3 previous Pizza Ranch Emilys: X, Y, and Z. The experiement was not a success, Emily is 340 pounds and 16 feet tall. She exhibits the dominant personality traits of all three: loves God (X), loves God (Y), loves cock (Z). She once had a threesome with Joe and Launchpad without neither man realizing that they were participating in a threesome. Anyway, to avoid hitting her head on the Back-of-House ceiling, she walks in a perpetual limbo. She notices K.C.'s demise on the JumboTron Rob recently had installed above the prep table. Hauling ass to aide K.C., Emily fails to notice that the oozing sludge of pop and blood has extended itself into the buffet territory. She slips near the cut station garbage can and, being sixteen feet tall, gouges her left eye out with the handle for the ice cream machine. (LMQ: If you knew the layout of this Pizza Ranch, this would be hilarious) Although she is barely breathing, the weight of her hydrocephalic head forces the handle down and pours vanilla ice cream down Emily's two foot throat. She soon dies of hypothermia. Although Heaven exists in this story, Emily is not invited to the pearly gates because she is a clone.
Hearing all the commotion, Sam takes a break from counting her fingernails over and over again in the ladies room to investigate. She steps in the black concoction, which now has taken up the entire front portion of the store floor, and immediately loses her balance. Just like one of those Family Circus cartoons where a black dotted line follows Jeffy's path around his backyard, Sam slips and slides in figure-8's, pentagrams, and infinity signs every which way around the dining area. It's actually a pretty silly spectacle until Sam crashes mouth first into the metal recepticle of the Super Ball machine. The force off the blow causes every superball to come rolling out from their slumber. Sam has braces in this story, and they lock her into to place. So she is forced to swallow all 216 super balls to avoid choking on one of them. She eats the first 215 no problem but the final ball gets lodged in her throat and she suffocates. The entire front of the house is a Salvador Dali painting come to life. Roberta and George have been making out in the office this whole time, unaware that all three of their waitresses have died. They get the grim news when an old woman who was waiting at the counter for 15 minutes, unaware of the carnage around her, grew tired. George is heard yelling at Roberta in the office later that day, "This is what happens when you have three people work front of the house on a Tuesday morning!"
Roberta and George were able to get Vivica out of school and make her clean up the entire mess before the night shift arrived. It should be mentioned that Vivic is only two eyelashes tall and successfully cleaned up all the gore with a Q-Tip. This conversation happened:
Mandy: "None of my back-ups are ready."
Suzie: "Three people died this morning."
Mandy: "None of my back-ups are ready."
Then this conversation happened:
Bob: K.C. died from Blunt Force Tramua
Joe: Is that an action movie?
Bob: Emily froze to death.
Joe: You should chill out, Bob.
Bob: Sam choked on a superball.
Joe: Sounds like she had a ball.
Bob: What's wrong with you.
Ranchhands have died before -(INSIDE JOKES ERASED)-but three in consectutive, increasingly loopy ways was mystifying to the whole crew. Davey and Becky talk about it over Evening Break. Married for 45 years, Davey and Becky are as in love as they ever were, each finding the presence and conversation of the other as intoxicating as Merlot. Davey has several theories springing from the well of his mind, he used to be an Anthropology professor at Cal-Berkely. Rebecca has a well-thought out addition to whatever Davey is talking about that she intends to divulge once she finishes her lemonade-sip, but she never gets the chance. Like a clamp, the plastic cup, the same as all the other cups used for buffet becomes stuck to her face. She panics and swallows all the lemonade, but the cup is still firmly stuck to Becky's face, cutting off all the air to her mouth and nose. Davey has heard of people gaining superhuman strength when a loved one is in danger-a mother lifting a car to save her child for example. Several customers yelp in fear, but Davey is unable to remove the cup; he looks at his hands like "why me?" The other people working that night rush to help, but Davey holds them back. Knowing that Death can't be thwarted, he holds his wife's hand and recites Emily Dickinson poetry to her until she breathes her last breath. He stoically returns to work and starts doing dishes.
Rebecca, at least, had a sparesly attended funeral out back. Rob called the families of K.C. and Sam to tell them that the girls hit the road Thelma and Louise-style and were now crime solving lesbians. Emily was converted back into stem cells in an attempt to make a clone of Nick Pitts and Nick Hansen (named Nick Pants). It was also the last day for another front of the house veteran, Jacob (writer's note: I'm writing this on 4/11/16, the day after Jacob left Pizza Ranch in real life(LMQ: This is true)). Jacob is quitting the store to explore his options as a motivational speaker; Mandy baked fresh M&M cookies for the occasion. "Thanks," said Jacob. As 8:00 came into the evening's mouth, Jacob took one last walk around the back kitchen before he punched in the last 4 digits of his Social Security number (8183). He traces his fingers through the speckled groves in the wall, dips his hand into the fine grain of struecel mixture. "Home," Jacob says softly. He hears the telephone ring once, twice, three times. Everyone else is busy: Seth is doing eleventy million things at once, Esmeralda is dealing with a Latino customer that wants her telefono number and Davey hasn't answered a phone since March of '78. Also his wife just died. Jacob picks up the the phone and grabs a pen and paper, figuring that he can stall for time until things get situated. He takes the lid and examines his lemonade: only two more gulps until he no longer drinks for free.
"Hello?" says Jacob
Heavy breathing on the other end of the phone.
"Pizza?" says Jacob
Heavier breathing on the other end of the phone.
"Asthma?" says Jacob
Ridiculously heavy breathing on the other end of the phone.
Seth finally gets a free hand and reaches for the telephone.
"Death becomes you," a graven, inhuman voice says to Jacob over the line.
In an instant, a high-pitch supersonic yelp is emitted, rendering Jacob deaf.
"Help!"
He clutches the pen he's holding in agony and it squirts jet black ink into his face, turning him blind. For some reason, he takes a drink from his cup that is now overflowing with ink, nuking his taste buds. He grabs towards a paralyzed Seth, stripped of three senses. Jacob instinctively grabs the shelf that holds the employee cups, tipping it over and slicing himself in half and pouring internal organs all over the place. Jacob had three kidneys apparently.
"Something fishy's going on here," Seth says while examining Jacob's nonexistent pulse.
The next night, Love and Steph make an order for Seth' Mom: a small Steak and Onion, Hot Wings, corn, 2 BBQ Wraps, a chocolate dessert, ranch wedges, and ranch chips (LMQ: Seth's mom always makes complicated orders in the middle of a rush). It's extremly busy. To pass the time and pad the story, they ponder back and forth.
"How could all this happen, they were so young," Love says.
"K.C. wasn't that young," Steph says. "Accidents happen everyday; we were just unlucky enough to have it happen four times in a row."
There's no way Love could take Steph in a fight, so Love agrees.
"Life is so fragile y'all," Love says. "As a recovering drug user I've done my best to enjoy every moment. She rolls the small crust with the docker again and again and again.
Kari walks by carrying a stack two dishes high. She turns to give her two cents on the current conversation but her ponytail gets caught by the dough roller and, in a hiccup, rips out her brain and spinal cord and presses them into a thin sheet. Love tries desparately to put the organs back in but it doesn't work.
"Cracks under pressure!" Marshall shouts horriffically.
"Ohhhhhh Shit," Launchpad had just came in to check his schedule.
Kelly makes a bubble with her mouth.
With her last breath and 3/8th of her brain, Kari says "Skol Vikings" and dies in Steph's arms-who had passed out moments before and was in Courtney's arms. Everyone was sad once again, but they had a job to do.
As mentioned before, Roberta's daughter Vivica is the same height as two snowflakes stacked on top of one another. Life is very difficult, but she gets by with a ton of effort. To answer an incoming customer call, she has to lasso the vibrating beast with a shoelace, wrangle it off the receiver, and use a very long stick to access the Speedline Touch Screen System. She also has to listen on one end of the phone and run all the way to the other end to speak, while still remembering everything the customer has just said. To pick up dirty dishes, she flies around the store in a toy helicopter, picking up plates with a complicated pulley mechanism. Punk kids always try to intercept her helicopter, so Vivica likens these trips to being a WWII Bomber. George put her on prep once, but it took her 11 hours to make a medium Stampede. Still, her passion for the buisness and relation to the bosses are undeniable; are her payment of one sugar cube per hour technically makes her the most cost efficent worker in the entire store. Meanwhile, Dawn has picked up on the fact that a lot of people have been dying strangely and has constructed a large post-it note chart in the back that encompasses the entirety of Boxtopia (LMQ: Boxtopia is what we call a large stack of pizza boxes). Seth has to take it down everytime he needs a box, which is often. The chart contains loose ends, absurd theories, info on the deceased, possible Illuminati connections, and more. It would actually be pretty impressive were it not a total glittery eyesore.
"Maybe the deaths are connected to the store." Dawn says, wearing glasses.
"Yep," says Duke.
"But that can't be, because Jacob quit," Dawn says, wearing glasses.
"Yep," says Duke.
"Perhaps this bizarre chain is going by astrological signs, is there anyone here with an April birthday," Dawn says, wearing glasses.
"Yep," says Duke. Dawn puts down a single Post-It note and wipes her brow.
"You just killed Vivica," says Duke.
"Oh no!" Dawn says. She flips over the Post-It note and sure enough Vivica is squashed like a bug-crushed under the weight of what to her must have felt like nine thousand cinder blocks. Dawn cries and ruins her mascara; Duke cries and ruins his mascara too.
A berserk George emerges from his office, on cue. "Dawn, if it weren't for the fact that all of our waitresses are dying, you'd be so fired right now." George slams his door shut.
"I could call Danae and ask if she could work," says Launchpad, who's just hangin' out, eatin' an apple.
"Why do you have Danae's number?" asks Seth.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
After another doldrums-heavy day, the tired, rapidly-depleting Wednesday Night Crew huddles around the cramped schedule area for warmth and chatter. Most of the Jacob goo was cleaned up by Suzie that morning (with the Blue Mop, a fireable offense if it weren't for the circumstances (LMQ: We can only use the Red Mop for the kitchen area)). The whole crew was there, glumly drinking their beverage of choice (Brittney a Blue Powerade, Kelly an Arnold Palmer, Esmeralda warm milk, Joe Tomato Juice, Bob a Red Bull/Monster cocktail, Mandy a Miller Light, and Seth a goblet of mead). Everyone was afraid to check the schedule for fear that they might be next. Every onion chopped, every pepperoni placed, was done with extreme caution.
"I don't understand why this is happening," says Mandy.
"Uh, yeah," says Brittany.
"That water park we went to was next to a graveyard and built atop a Haunted Middle School built atop an Indian Burial Ground," says Bob.
"Pssssssst," says Joe.
Esmeralda bitterly sips her milk, praying she lives to see Joe die.
"Sigh," says Sigh.
"Kelly, go get more cups," commands Mandy.
"Me?" asks Brittney.
"No, Kelly."
Kelly obeys, knowing better than to get on Mandy's bad side (=the side without the Conan O'Brien poof). She grabs the key from the office, gingerly stepping over a fetal George, and heads outward. The equipment shed is like a minature version of the warehouse that stores the Ark of the Covenant; everything is meticuosly labled: paper shit, pizza shit, cup things, tops for cup things, broken stuff, oily rags, Playboy (1996-2000), Playboy (2006-2010), oilier rags. She grabs a bunch of cups stacked together to resemble an elephant trunk, and pauses for a moment to admire the anti-gravity dance a bunch of skin cells are performing in a ray of light. Across the street, Doug (LMQ: former co-worker who now works across the street) lights a well deserved cigarette and blows a Q-shaped puff of smoke in the general direction of his former place of employment. A single orange cinder escapes from Doug's cig and travels through the air like the feather in Forrest Gump, doing several loop-de-loops and ring-around-the-rosies. It finds it way through the keyhole of the shed and looks for a place to land. Kelly sees the spark traveling toward the box of oilier rags like a world-weary firefly and holds up an "Uh-Oh" sign like Wile E. Coyote. The shed whooses up in a plume of fireballs and smoke about eight miles high, but weirdly only a few feet wide. Everybody throws their drinks on the fire to put it out but look at each other nervously. Doug returns inside to Olive Garden, whose staff is currently in a scenario similar to There's Something About Mary.
To wit:
Pizza Ranch=Final Destination
Olive Garden=There's Something About Mary
Subway=Platoon
Taco John's=Space Jam
McDonald's=Cannibal Holocaust
DQ=12 Angry Men
Pizza Hut=Air Bud
The next day, Duke arrives at 4:13 for his 5:00 shift. A high-profile actor in his heyday, he now drives in an endless circle. He was an actor on several cop shows in which he'd solve homicides in under 30 minutes plus commercials. Nowadays he's lucky to get to Hancock (LMQ: Town we deliver to) and back in 30 minutes plus commercials. His days of doing rails of coke off of Beverly D'Angelo's stomach are long over. He does his pre-work workout stretches, because he stands around so much at work. A couple toe-touches, ten Iroquois twists, stretches a leg on the HHR, stretches a leg on the van, stretches both legs on both vehicles simultaneously. Unfortunatlely, the spurs on Duke's cowboy boots accidentally latch on to the bumpers of both vehicles, and he is unable to lodge them free. Also unfortunately, Joe and Davey each run out to the two yellow delivery vehicles carrying big concession orders. There are so many pizzas and the two drivers are in such a rush that both fail to notice Duke desparately trying to detach himself. Joe and Davey both start the engines at the same time and dial their radios to the same station. They peel ass out of the parking lot, ripping Duke apart at the crotch and dragging his entrails all over town (Davey got the bigger piece, and thus gets to make a wish). George calls Launchpad in to work Duke's shift, even though he just finished a 10 hour shift of his own.
Despite all the surrounding death and destruction, Dawn has kept an upbeat additude. Swirling Top 40 pop plays in a loop in her head. She knows that when she dies, she'll be transported to Hot People Heaven via a Great Glass Elevator. She's spent the last 40 minutes arranging the markers by color, then size, then width, then age, then boldness, when she is told by someone to fetch some peas from the freezer. Dawn skips mightily to the freezer with a song in her heart, then spends 10 minutes making sure to take only the big ol' peas from the pea box. She reaches for the handle but it is sealed shut. Apparently, Joe spilt chicken blood all over the door to the freezer and decided to mop it, turning the freezer into an icy tomb. Even as she slowly became a popsicle, Dawn kept a positive attitude. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough you can still hear her humming (in reality, it might just be the vents).
Esmeralda begins restocking the napkins one sandwich-sized stack at a time, thinking about mortality. It doesn't seem fair for someone to die without attending college first. She loses her train of thought and gets a papercut on a napkin. She gets a hyphen-sized cut on her left pointer finger and a scarlet teardrop weeps out. She uses a napkin to hold the wound shut but the brown paper turns into a soaking wet slip in a matter of seconds. Esmeralda is bleeding a surreal amount of blood and getting it all over the main guest room. She runs to the back sink, careful not to slip in any of it, but the other workers are slipping in it plenty. Marshall does a full 360 slip in the air and lands on his noggin. The oddest thing about this is that Esmeralda doesn't feel the slightest bit woozy despite losing ounces, liters, swimming pools of blood. Perhaps she is losing the blood of her fallen comrades and some trickster God has put that blood inside her to lose, and she'll start to feel faint once she gets to her blood. 30 minutes go by and the profusive bleeding has started to become more horrifying than distracting. Esmeralda had to switch to sauce cans while Steph prepared the olives. Eventually George tells her to go find a sewer grate or something because she's really creeping the staff out with this Moses shit. Esmeraldacomplies and brings a potato bucket outside with her. She wonders if this bleeding will interfere with the Social Studies test she has tomorrow. A little while later, Brittney goes outside to check on Esmeralda.
"Esmeralda passed on," Brittney said.
"She bled out?" Roberta asked.
"No, she got hit by a bus."
Although she never talked to Esmeralda before, that was the last straw for Love. She grabbed her keys, visor, purse, lighter, her pack of smokes, Duke's pack of smokes, and several potatoes as she headed for the exit.
"Love, you can't go, we need you for the store," Roberta says.
"FVck you, can't you see people are dying? This place is haunted or some shit like that. I'm so out of here." Love made a wild exclamation with her arms like WHOA HEY but Marshall was slicing potatoes at the same time and accidentally cut Love's hand into four fleshy wedges.
"Owwwwwwwwwwcuyahoga!" says Love, holding her battered paw.
"The thing is Love," Roberta says with a grave tone. "I don't think we can leave. The only thing we can do is stick together and wait this thing out." She extended a hand for Love to shake, but Wait waited, looking at the hand that once flattened dough and guided her daughter across the street. Instead, she bitch-slaps Roberta with her good hand and gives her a spinebuster to the floor.
"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" says the remaining crew.
The two disproportionate woman roll around in who knows what struggling to get the upper hand. Love's at a distinct disadvantage because he left hand is royally fvcked. Flour and Sauce get involved. A ghost-white Roberta tries to slice Love's throat with the circular sauce can lid but it's knocked asside like a ninja star. Love grabs a big hunk of dough and bashes Roberta over the head with it. Then she starts smothering Roberta with the dough like it's a pillow. Roberta eats through the dough and bites a finger off of Love's good hand. Roberta attempts to get back to her feet but is superkicked by Love. With almost no strength remaining and zero feeling in her hands, Love lifts up the doughroller that sucked out Kari's brain in an attempt to smash Roberta with it. Love trys to think of a pun to say before she goes through with it.
"Now, uh, let's see, Now who's on a roll?!"
But before she can followthrough, the shelf holding all the pans collapses onto the dough machine, bringing about 500 lbs right onto Love's neck. She died.
"Now..." Roberta said, dusting herself off like nothing happened. "GET BACK TO WORK!"
Roberta attempts to go into the little girl's room, becuase she's three feet tall and slathered in viscera, but it's ocupado. She goes into the boy's bathroom instead, which hasn't been cleaned since the Obama administration. While Roberta cleans the bits of Love plasma underneath her fingernails with a toothpick, the surviving employees that night debate a master plan.
"A playoff atmosphere in here tonight," Marshall says nervously.
"Marshall's right, who knows which of us will be next," Mandy says.
"Ddfgdfg tthgewrs gdfsdh fdgsd gsfgdd fsdgsdgddgf," Davey says.
"Davey has a point," Brittney says, "The employees seem to be dying in the final standings of the Yahtzee Tournament, and thus the order they would have died on the doomed Water Slide."
"I'm not following anyone of this," says Seth. "What was the order?"
Dave rattles off the batting order: Katie, Cornmeal, Sum, My Beloved, Notalk, Car, Chandellier, Brickwall, Scoot, Brrr, Cassannder, Courtland, Meal, Steps, Rube, Lollolita, Sussex, Van, Bologna, Goddamn, Scrooge, Duh, X-mas, me.
"So Roberta's next, eh?" Mandy says.
"Maybe we should speed up the process, hehehe," says Seth.
"A major comeback in the 4th quarter!" says Marshall.
"Lol, you guys," says Brittney.
The five tip-toe Scooby Doo style to the boy's bathroom door, where Roberta has just turned on the sink. Unbeknowest to Roberta, but Launchpad has been jerking off in that sink for ni-upon five years (before he was employed), and the splooge has finally hardened to the point where it has blocked off all the waterways. Roberta tries to stop the sink from overflowing by shutting the faucet off but the handle has rusted into place. On the outside, Seth Marshall and Davey have taken off their shirts and stuffed them in the crack of the door.
"Water's still seeping through, we're going to need another shirt!" says Seth. Davey takes off his pants and stuffs them in the crack.
"Clutch!" says Marshall.
Roberta begins to panic as water starts to gather on the floor. She flies for the doorknob but the combined strength of Mandy and Brittney keeps the door sealed shut. Roberta begins to claw on the door like a puppy that hasn't been out in awhile, but that is moot also. After about a minute, Roberta gives up and drowns in about three feet of water. The door is opened and Roberta floats out like a seal.
"George is not going to be happy," says Mandy.
"Uh, yeah," says Brittney.
"Draining threes!"
"Marshall's right," says Seth, "We got to get this water down one of the three drains. Hurry!"
Because of the recent homicide, George called a mandatory meeting of everyone still alive right then and there once Roberta's carcass was zipped up by the authorities. Everyone was working upwards of 80 hours a week to cover for all the departed employees, fearing that they'll be next were they to leave the store. Launchpad, being forced to quit his factory job to cover Duke's shifts, was the crankiest of all. Everyone alive was crowded in the back left table as far away from Rob as possible. Three people were playing the harmonica. This is probably the biggest pickle Pizza Ranch has ever been in, and it was up to George to lift everyone's spirits with a heartwarming speech.
"Gang, I know times are tough. I know you murdered my wife. But I want you to think of all the Jews captive in Auschwitz. Sure, some of them died horribly. But some made it out! And the only way they survived was by keeping their head down and just continue shoveling rocks. We'll get through this as a team if we just continue making pizzas.
"Will you at least pull your own weight around here?" asked Suzie.
"No promises. This meeting will conclude with a special employee pizza made by me, that will only cost all of you a dollar apiece." George went back to the kitchen and returned with an extra-large Stampede pizza George made with a specially-welded extra-large pan. The tantilizing steam rose like indian smoke signals and danced upon employee nostrils. Because they've been working non-stop in the store for several days, most have run out of money to pay for employee buffets and thus were starvin'. They all quickly gobbled down the 32-slice pizza like rabid gerbils.
"Rfsfsf gdfgb gfggdf."
"Davey, don't talk with your mouthful."
"This pizza is like sex."
"How would you know?"
"Delicioso!"
"Shut up, Joe."
"Bob here, I too am enjoying this pizza."
"Hey, where's Steph?"
No beating around the bush, George murdered Steph with one of the pizza cutters and made her into a pizza. He hoped by making it into a Stampede the 65 other ingredients would disguise this fact. It did for awhile, but one of Bob's slices had Steph's Driver's Liscense in it.
"Mur-mur-mur."
"Stop murmuring Suzie," says Joe.
"Murderer!" says Suzie.
"It's not murder, she was next to die," says George.
"Tfsdfsd yroy rfgdgf sdfsd."
"That's true Dave. I may be next to die, but if I kill one of you, that person will take my place."
"But who will take the place of the person you killed?" asks Brittney.
"I don't know, I got all this information from the Final Destination Wikipedia page, it's all a little spotty."
George pulls a pitchfork from off the wall while the employees run around like their joysticks been jammed. It's kind of like a Scooby Doo episode where the villian is chasing everyone around except the only doors are dead ends. Davey has to repeatedly take off his pants to thwart a rampaging George. Eventually, the gang comes up with a Scooby Doo plan while running all over the store. Suzie starts making a Bronco, Mandy, then Marshall add to it, and Seth finishes it and puts it through the oven. 8 minutes of running later Brittney cuts it into two, Launchpad cuts it into four, and Bob cuts it into 8 and slides it into slides it into a box. Then Joe puts the medium box underneath a large box propped up by a stick. The succulent scent wafts through the air into George's nose.
"Ooooooooo," says George as he floats through the air to the box. Then Launchpad kills George with the flat screen TV he ripped from the wall. The beating goes on long after things become uncomfortable.
"That's for making employee buffett $2! And... for making us eat Steph, I suppose."
With George dead, the remaining eight employees became Co-Co-Co-Co-Co-Co-Co-Co owners of Pizza Ranch. Although workers were limited, Launchpad was able to reorganize the store where only one person worked one 14-hour straight shift for each day of the week. That way everyone only worked one day a week and there was a rotating schedule to who got the entire week off. The 8 could work whenever they pleased for some extra cash. For example nobody showed up to help Joe but everybody showed up to help Amanda. It was Brittney's week off.
"Guys, I just got off the phone with Brittney's Dad," Mandy said.
"The dart's champion?" asked Seth.
"Yeah, apparently she passed away while at home for the weekend."
"But everyone previous died at or around the store."
"Yeah, I don't know."
"How'd she die?" asked Launchpad.
"Quite peaceful actually, she died in her sleep. The evening before was full of fun and laughter with her family and closest friends. After a scrumptious dinner she gave a lovely speech to everyone about how much they meant to her and basically gave off a glow of complete understanding."
"Awww..." says Launchpad. "That's pretty unfair. Like, I'm going to get my guts ripped out through my cock or something like that."
"That's the way the cookie crumbles," says Joe.
"Shut up, Joe."
In order to save time on making dough, Suzie makes 50 batches on Monday that will be used throughout the week. If the dough gets to gnarly the prep worker just has to put the necessary amount in the microwave for a 30 second cleanse. It's long, back-breaking work, but someone has to do it. All the employees have been forced to make Pizza Ranch their permanent home. Anytime someone takes an unauthorized step outside, their hair bursts into flames. Oddly, Death allows all delivery drivers to do their duties without penalty. Even though everyone is smelly and destitute, they keep each other company while awaiting Death's icy grasp. Living with Joe, though, might be a fate worse than death. Having exhausted his "joke" supply long ago, he has resorted to saying random phrases in a Seinfeld-like inflection in hopes that it will get a chuckle. Launchpad's been employed at the store longer than anyone still living at this is easily in the Top 5 most uncomfortable times of his tenure. Bob has grown a beard in the shape of a cabbage patch. Mandy was forced to go on with a normal haircut. Everyone gathers round the dough machine as if it were a warm flame.
"How's this dough look Marshall?"
"It's good!"
"I don't see why we have to keep making food for customers, shouldn't they be helping us?"
"We've asked for help a million times, they don't give a fuck."
"Sock-a-doodle-doo!"
"How many people have to die before it's Joe's turn?"
"I don't even know whose turn it is."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Oh no, Suzie got caught in the dough machine."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Should we help her?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"I would, but I'm to tired."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"A poor teammate when the going gets tough!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"You want to fight me, Marshall?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Leeeeeeet's Get Ready to Rummmmmmmmmble!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Rumble in the Jungle, right guys?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Tfddffsdf fdfsfdfdfsd fdfsffdsff."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Davey's right, on three we pull..."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Onewq"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Tqweqw"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"TEhds!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Wait, what do we pull?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Suzie died. A murder of crows exited a nearby tree.
"Birdie on the 18th hole..."
Ever since the ironic, Pizza Ranch-related deaths began, Marshall knew in the back of his heart that he was fated to go deep-sea diving in the bottom of the broaster. There was no way around it. Although he could only speak in vague sports cliches, Marshall had aspirations beyond Pizza Ranch but now those aspirations seem like a half-remembered dream. For the past three months, Marshall has been tenderly tossing chicken hunks underhanded into the broaster and using a broom handle to shut the cover. Each touch sends glimmering coins of hot oil flying around the room, bathing everyone in white freckles. Although some end up on the dusty ground, Marshall has managed good accurracy.
"He's 9 for 12 this afternoon," says Marshall. Mandy starts to say something sarcastic but begins to choke on the Mento she was sucking on. At the same time, Davey has gotten a Diet Coke for an order. Thinking quick, Seth applies a textbook Heimleich manuever to Mandy, dislodging the sinister Mento. The Mento is shot through the air to the broaster, where it percariously rolls around the rim about 15 times.
"What a manuever," says Marshall.
Mandy accidentally pushes Seth backward, and the boy who lived is knocked right into Davey, causing the bottle of Diet Coke to fly through the air and land in the broaster at the same time as the Mento. The result is a minature thermonuclear explosion that sends a huge bubble of hot oil shooting right into Marshall and melting his face off.
"He's on fire!" says Marshall. The shock of not having a face sends Marshall running frantically around the room until he slips into the big broaster. The mechanism shuts by itself. Everyone is mortified but they all agree that he smells delicious once the 10 minutes are up.
This meant that it was Joe's turn. The remaining crew took it upon themselves to throw a Death Party; sort of a reverse wake. Balloons shaped like severed heads and napkins resembling last will and testaments decorated the foul smelling dining area.
"You guys, this really isn't necessary, the same way wearing bologna for clothes isn't necessary," Joe says.
"I INSIST," says Launchpad as he shows a DVD copy of Eddie Murhpy RAW into Joe's face.
"Joseph, we feel that although we've given you a hard time, you still deserve a proper sendoff. The light festivities have taken the collective gang out of their dour mood." Bob is certainly right. Mandy and Davey squaredance on a table while Seth plays the fiddle. Launchpad loads himself up on pizza sauce cupcakes.
"No...it's not that," says Joe, his voice turning sinister. "It's just that I'm not going to die next." Joe reveals a revolver that he's been hiding in his pants pocket.
"Guh-"
"-uh-"
"ughdgd"
"nah"
"Bro..."
Joe points the weapon at his co-workers, mentally debating who to shoot first. There's Davey, whose excellence at driving and lack of conversational skills made Joe feel left out whenever he was unfortunate enough to get assigned a delivery shift. There's Mandy, who rejected his many advances, mixtapes, peons, homemade strawberry shortcakes, and rainy day confessions. There's Seth, who rejected his many advances, mixtapes, peons, homemade cheesecake, and rainy day confessions. There's Launchpad, whose hatred burns through Joe like a magnifying glass owned by Jesus Christ. Joe fires at Bob thrice from point blank range, missing once. Bob drops to the floor like several potatoes in a sack, pouring a scarlett ooze onto the floor. The Ranchhands rush to their fallen friend, not caring who is shot next. In a rare moment of compassion, Joe pauses to let everyone say goodbye to Bob. Mould lays quietly in Davey's lap, with Mandy caressing his hair, Lauchpad holding his left hand and Seth the right.
"Adam, buddy, you gotta fight this fucker."
"I see a little light."
"Don't go into it!"
"400 W. 5th St."
"Don't deliver that pizza Bob!"
"Thdgdfd dadadffsv fadddxvxbcb fsfgdfgxbbcc ffssfffsfsffsrsr xvcbbfgfgdggdg bcbcbbc fsfffsf vvxsfff vvxvbcb ffsfferettt ggfgggggddf dsdsvcbbdgferr zddsfgggfgggg ffdggdggdgdgg ddsdsdsddsdsdsddse sddsdsddsdv dsdaadaadddd."
Davey's wise words put Bob at ease with death, and he breathes one last minty breath into the Minnesota air.
Launchpad yells "Nooooooooooooooo!" to the heavens for a solid six minutes while Joe spins his gun by the handle.
Joe took his sweet old time deciding who to kill next. He even began doing a 90 minute stand-up set.
"Just kill me," said Lauchpad.
"You got it!" says Joe. "But first I'm going to go number two. None of us can leave the store so I expect all you sitting ducks to be here when I get back."
Joe's right, Death only allows Ranchhands to enter the store for a delivery. Luckily, the 7th order of the night had just come out of the oven. Discreetly, Mandy cut it, boxed it, quietly yelled "Delivery," and Davey bagged it up and took Launchpad, Seth, and Mandy along in the HHR delivery car. Heading out of the bathroom, Joerealizes he's been duped. He orders one 2 Liter Soda for himself on a delivery and takes the van in hot pursuit. He catches up with them in two minutes; he correctly guesses they were driving West.
"I knew you shouldn't have taken that bathroom break Seth!" says Manda.
"SORRY," says Seth, holding back tears.
The death race reaches triple digit speed, as Joe tries to shoot the passengers.
"Roll up your windows!"
"They're jammed!"
The car comes equipped with two pump-action shotguns just in case, but Launchpad forgot to reload the bullets the previous day.
"Whoopsie!"
"We're doomed!"
"Yep," says Davey.
"Guys, I have a plan." Launchpad says and climbs out the window to the top of the moving vehicle.
"Where's he going?"
"Valhalla, Mandy. Valhalla," says Seth.
Joe leans out the driver's window in an attempt to get a better shot. But, from above, Launchpad jumps from the top of the adjacent car and delivers an RKO to Joe going about 100 miles per hour. The sudden impact of being pulled out the window caused Joe to jerk the steering wheel violently to the left, causing the car to overturn onto the airborne dudes. No coroner was able to examine the damage of the supersonic RKO, because the delivery car did just as much damgage, twisting and tangling both boys organs inside-out until it was impossible to tell who was who.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaamn," said Seth, as Davey drives him and Mandy safely into a setting sun.
(LMQ: This next section has been deleted. Mandy and Seth go to Paris on a honeymoon, defeat ISIS, and are impaled by the Eiffel Tower. This was the last part I wrote and I forgot to save it, it's super long and I don't feel like re-writing it.)
Davey reads the news of Amanda and Thomas' demise in the next issue of The New York Times. He is the last one left. As the last living person on George's will, he receives full control of Pizza Ranch. He has it torn down and has an identical Pizza Ranch on the exact same site. He hires a hard-working, friendly crew and in a few months has the store up and running better than ever. Although he is much too busy to be a driver anymore, he sometimes drives around town just to knock on random doors. Dave awaits for his death but days, months, years go by and it never comes. Around is 130th Birthday, with the Pizza Ranch empire spreading across the globe, Dave starts to realize that maybe he IS death and is charged with leading souls to the river Styx. K.C., Sam, his dear sweet Rebecca, etcetera. He feels the wait of all their lives. The pressure overwhelms him. He has to clear his mind somehow. So he writes a story: this story. I, Davey, have been the narrator of this story the whole time! I am Death. I am Davey.
FIN?