Oh,you can hear me cry
See my dreams all die
From where you're standing
On your own.
It's so quiet here
And I feel so cold
This house no longer
Feels like home.-Ben Cocks, So Cold
It wasn't meant to be this way.
They were the Lightwoods. A well respected family of the area, three good, well behaved children. (At least, before Maryse found out her son was gay and her daughter partied, hard.) They fought their battles, they stayed together, they looked out for each other.
The Lightwood siblings were inseparable, and they wouldn't have it any other way.
Until the day that three became two.
When Isabelle was in a car accident with their little brother Max, she wouldn't talk to anyone. She hated herself for living because it shouldn't have been Max, it should have been her. He was the one who managed to convince her that it wasn't her fault, there was a drunk driver and there was nothing she could have done.
Isabelle blamed herself, yet the impact was on her side of the car because she'd turned the wheel so the oncoming car would hit her, not Max.
How was she to know he'd go through the wind shield?
"She has to talk sometime," Clary would whisper worriedly, and she would try to get into Isabelle's room, but the door was locked and Isabelle would throw a heel.
Jace tried to reason with his adoptive sister through the wall, but as soon as he mentioned Max being dead she started screaming and he heard crashing of things being thrown around and she didn't stop until he was all the way downstairs.
Her parents were too wrapped up in their own grief to help.
Simon tried, he really did. He got farther than the rest of them, she let him into her room. She didn't talk, she just sat there, clutching one of Max's toy soldiers that Jace had passed on to him. She didn't talk, so he did, doing what he did best. He didn't mention Max, he simply talked about anything and everything, and took to reading her books and telling her stories when he was allowed into her room, and he relayed the entire series of Star Wars to her as she lay curled against his chest, silent and clutching the toy soldier.
There was only one person left to try and get through to her. Someone who had been consumed by his own grief and guilt and who was just only able to pull himself together.
He was the head of the family now.
He was the oldest Lightwood sibling, and he'd be damned if he let his little sister fall apart.
"Isabelle?" he asked hesitantly at her locked door, noting the untouched plates of food outside her door. "Iz? It's me." Silence greeted him. "Come on, Izzy, let me in." There was still silence. "God damnit, Isabelle, open the door!" he snapped, and pounded on it. "We aren't going to walk on egg shells around you all the time! You aren't the only one being affected by this! We lost him too!" he yelled, tears forming in his eyes as he leant his arm against the door frame. "Damnit, Iz, we lost him too."
He heard a soft click of the lock being pushed back, and the door swung open. Isabelle stood on the other side, stripped of makeup, pale, gaunt, and for the first time in her life, Isabelle seemed...small. She seemed vulnerable. Without another word, he entered her room, shutting the door behind him. "Jesus, Isabelle," he chastised, taking in the mess that was her room, shaking his head. "You can't keep living like this. You just can't. This isn't you, this isn't a life."
Isabelle looked at him and was silent for a long time. Alec was getting ready to give up, when she finally spoke up for the first time since she found out Max was gone. "You can do it," she croaked, her voice raw from the screaming and not having talked in so long. "Do what?" he asked, confused. "Yell. Scream. Blame me."
"Why would I do that, Iz?"
"Because it was my fault, Alec!" her voice was growing louder and louder until it was a shout.
"It wasn't and you know it, Isabelle. The jury-"
"The jury weren't there, were they?" she sneered. "I could have done more, I could have-"
"You could have what? You could have turned the car?" he yelled at her, "newsflash, Izzy, you did! You turned the car so YOU would take the hit from the DRUNK DRIVER who was in the wrong!"
"It should have been me, alright?" she hollered back at him. "I turned the car so I would take the damage, not Max. He-he ended up with it anyway! How fucked up is that?" her voice caught. "I was willing to die is it meant he'd get out," she said quietly, wiping a tear from her eye.
"Maybe that's why you're here," Alec replied finally. "Your selflessness. It's what kept you alive. Like there was an angel, or something."
"What sort of angel would keep me here and let Max-" Isabelle's sentences cut off.
"I-I don't know," Alec answered earnestly. "But don't you dare think you don't deserve to be here."
Isabelle hugged herself. "I should have protected him, Alec," she whispered brokenly. "I'm his big sister."
Alec sat on the bed beside her. "I'm your big brother, Isbelle. I should have protected you both." They sat in silence for a while.
"There-there really was nothing either of us could have done, was there Alec?" Isabelle asked quietly, all anger gone. She was left without the guilt, the guilt and the blame, the anger and the rage were the only things keeping her together at the minute. Pure self contempt. She didn't have that any more, and she was simply left to deal with the fact that Max was gone.
He was dead.
Their little, baby brother was dead and he wasn't coming back. There was nothing she or anyone could do, there was no revenge to be sought
"There was nothing, Isabelle. There is nothing." Alec replied his throat closing up as his eyes started to feel wet.
"I-just-what are we going to do, Alec? I'm not going to be a big sister anymore." Isabelle didn't notice she was crying until she felt tears on her cheeks.
"We'll get through this, Iz," Alec smiled a wobbly smile, and as if they could read each other's mind, the siblings lunged for each other and held each other tight, like they would never let go. They were crying and it was sad and heart breaking and longing but also a little glad, and hopeful. Glad that they at least had each other and hopeful that Max was still with them somehow, and that they'd be able to live their lives and make him proud.