Set post 5.08 'Changing Channels', pre 5.19 'Hammer of the Gods'. Warnings- general series spoilers. Excessive angst. Implied onesided Cas/Dean. English spelling.
Disclaimer- I wish.
Enjoi.
"Hey, kiddo." Gabriel pops into the room, then stops short at the sight. "Dude. You aren't looking too hot. Or angelic, for that matter."
Gabriel isn't saying anything Castiel doesn't already know. But to hear it from one of his brothers cuts deeper than the quickly suppressed mental voices he's been ignoring for weeks now do.
His grace is fading. And Castiel knows in the heart of his essence that he is doing the right thing, so he has to be okay with that.
He is okay with that, for the most part. It's only when he lets the all-too human emotions creep in, the ones that are symptoms in and of themselves that should be cauterised like a wound, that he starts to regret.
"Castiel." Gabriel's voice is not raised, but it reverberates with his power. "What are you doing to yourself? And why are you letting this happen?"
Castiel has the irrational desire to strike out back at his brother. He is feeling petty and wants to hurt Gabriel as Gabriel's frank assessment has hurt him.
(These questions shouldn't hurt. In the line of duty, angels are prepared to shoulder any burden, weather all pain and come out stronger for it. Castiel wants to ask himself why this frank assessment hurts, but knows the answer is pure folly. The answer would not bring him comfort.
The answer is that he is now closer to human than he is to angel. And humanity is not so easily rationalised away.)
He wants to hurt his archangel brother, and so Castiel does. He excuses it by knowing that it is not the most human thing he has done lately, and besides, Gabriel is hardly the most angelic of the host himself anymore.
"I was cut off from heaven," he states in a monotone. "I am fading, brother, unable to restore myself in His grace-" Castiel abruptly cuts himself off. He does not want to dwell on the fact that God, his father, apparently cares nothing for him nowadays, despite the grand gesture of resurrection.
He re-focuses on the point of his speech. "But as I am aware, you've been ignoring us for centuries. I am unsurprised that you did not know of this already."
Gabriel winces, as was his aim. It is strange, Castiel thinks, that an angel (an archangel) can delude himself so comfortably for millennia to the extent that he does not care for the events in heaven, then suddenly in the present he is wounded by the bald statement of that fact.
Castiel hates Gabriel in that moment. Gabriel has no right to feel hurt by words when he has not been cut off from heaven, from their father. Gabriel has not suffered as he has, yet he seems to take more pain from his suffering.
Castiel is lying to himself. He takes as much pain from his suffering, if not more, but he refuses to feel that pain from the fear that admitting as such would reduce what little grace he clings on to.
Castiel hates the conflict he feels. He wants to hurt Gabriel, but honestly thinks that Gabriel has no right to be hurt by his words. Castiel decides to hate Gabriel instead, and not only for a moment. Here is someone who could have helped, who could have mediated or delayed or even prevented the breaking of the seals. And they stood by and did nothing.
That's not true, Castiel realises. Gabriel has had contact with the Winchester brothers previously. Gabriel tried to have Sam used to living without Dean. Gabriel indirectly supported the idea of Dean dying, of Dean going to Hell.
Gabriel indirectly supported the breaking of the seals.
(Gabriel supported the idea of Dean going to hell.)
Castiel decides in that moment that hating Gabriel is not so hard a thing.
Gabriel indirectly supported the will of heaven that Castiel denies because he knows it is the right thing to do. Gabriel should, theoretically, be an enemy for the way he has stood aside and used none of his considerable powers to better the world, rather than just watching it fall.
Gabriel isn't trying to help them, and he should be an enemy. Yet his very appearance this day speaks of caring, and Castiel cannot turn aside the only overture from a heavenly body that he has entertained since being cast off.
He hates and he wants, and the contradiction is anathema to him.
The archangel visibly gathers himself and rephrases his question. "Why do you suffer so, Castiel?"
And the question is so direct, so blunt, that Castiel wants to laugh.
He doesn't, but it is a close run thing.
Gabriel cares. Gabriel is as good as an enemy at this point (is indifference any better than honest enmity? Castiel can't honestly decide) and he cares. So Castiel answers him honestly, brutally.
"Have you ever seen anything so beautifully broken that you want to fix it because you know it would shine were it whole?"
Gabriel is shrewd. He knows Castiel is not entirely talking about the world at large anymore. His voice is world weary in its own honestly.
"What you yearn for broke years before you ever discovered it."
Gabriel knows. He met (Sam and) Dean before Castiel did, and he can sense the taint of a broken soul from miles away.
Castiel smiles mirthlessly. "How does that matter? It doesn't diminish its beauty."
"It tears you up, brother."
He tears you up, brother.
If Castiel had never met Dean Winchester, even now he would be following the will of heaven and believing that the angels giving his orders could do no wrong.
It is frightful to think so.
Castiel cannot imagine an existence where he is not exactly as he is, suffering and all. He cannot imagine not trying to do the right thing, and he cannot afford to wonder if his judgement is now so flawed that he cannot tell if what he is currently doing is actually the right thing to do at all.
Doubts are a human failing, and Castiel has no desire to entertain them.
Castiel met the other angel's eyes. "He is a believer, Gabriel."
And he believes in me, went unsaid, but Castiel thought the archangel heard it anyway. Castiel has lost count of how often Dean has prayed to him, but he cherishes each individual prayer regardless.
Stronger, he continued. "And I will not abandon him now."
He has Anna to thank for his courage. Even after he betrayed her, gave her over to the angels, he considered her words. And now, he does his best to live by them. It will never be easy, but God willing, it will be right.
"But why?"
Castiel senses that Gabriel cannot understand what he is driving at.
(Gabriel is still an archangel. Gabriel has not been cut off from heaven. Castiel hates him for that, and it is frightening how easy it is.)
Castiel's answer is slow and measured. Not a syllable goes to waste. "Because- I believe in him, too."
And he hangs his head in shame- because he believes more in this one broken, tattered soul than he does in the will of his father.
Gabriel takes a different track. He senses, correctly, that Castiel will not be steered from his current path.
"And if he is healed? If he succeeds, and the world becomes sunshine and roses, what will you do? What will you become?"
Gabriel doubts, Castiel knows. Gabriel thinks that Dean's soul is irreparable. He thinks that by the time that Castiel makes even the slightest shred of difference, it will be too late for him to heal himself.
Castiel knows this is probably the truth, and he ignores it.
"Have you ever felt something so broken, you want to fix it at the expense of yourself?" He asks rhetorically. "Have you ever sensed something so worth healing with the broken shards of your own soul that you shattered yourself to help them?"
Gabriel is silent. Castiel has his answer.
"It doesn't matter, you know. Angels are created to suffer; this is what I have come to understand. We place our faith blindly in a being that has only said He loves us; what do His actions say instead?"
Gabriel moves like he'd like to defend God, but Castiel is already speaking over any denial.
"Dean has proved himself over and over with his actions; it is more than our father has done for me."
Gabriel looks like he has been slapped, but then, Gabriel has never searched fruitlessly for their father months on end.
On actions alone (the growing human inside of him insists that actions are all that can count, nowadays), Castiel judges Dean Winchester more worthy of his devotion than God ever was. His next words feel more like catharsis than wound.
"I would break myself into pieces to see him whole."
Gabriel looks stricken anew.
"If you said that to a demon, they would be negotiating already."
And Gabriel is still not saying anything Castiel does not already know. He half shrugs. "If Dean required it of me..."
"You cannot!" Gabriel shouts for the first time. "You- you cannot, and you cannot realise what you are saying-"
"I know exactly what I am saying," Castiel interrupts. "I dragged Dean's soul from hell; do you really think I don't know what awaits me there?"
The archangel stills. He has just realised what Castiel has known for months. "You believe that you will go to hell."
Castiel smiles mirthlessly. "Is there any other place for those who betray God?"
"And yet" frustration silences Gabriel's words. He knows that anything he says has already been considered by his brother. "And yet you persist."
It comes out as a whisper.
Castiel's voice is strong, in contrast. "I believe in Dean. I believe in doing the right thing. And I believe," (and he can't believe that he is so used to culture references that this best describes the way he is currently feeling) "that the way to hell is paved with the best intentions." He meets Gabriel's gaze head on, and the archangel flinches away. "I know the path I walk. I know the likely result."
Dean told him what he saw in his vision of the future. Castiel knows that it is the best result he can expect for himself, to be human and decadent; it would be a mercy compared to what he suspects actually awaits him.
But he also knows they are changing that future with their actions in the present, and he thinks that broken souls have no use for hope, anyway.
Gabriel takes in his words with a sober expression. "But... why, Castiel?" He repeats himself, honestly beyond understanding.
Castiel half smiles in reply. "Your asking the question means you won't ever comprehend my answer." And Castiel has had enough of trying to explain himself to other angels.
It might be an overture from another angel (the only overture from another angel) but their conversation is quickly reminding Castiel of why he betrayed them all.
They don't understand his faith in humanity. In Dean.
If even Gabriel doesn't get it, he can't imagine any of the others even trying. It is easier to say, he knows they won't, because after all, isn't he still cast off and alone?
"You should leave," he tells Gabriel. They are too different to ever understand each other, he thinks. There is nothing to be gained by prolonging this visit.
Gabriel thinks differently, but he also thinks that Castiel won't ever want to hear it. Castiel thinks that he hates Gabriel. Castiel and Gabriel are more alike than one would immediately assume-
-they've both turned their backs on heaven because they thought it was the best thing to do. Perhaps not the right thing, but-
-and Castiel needs no extra ammunition to hate himself. So Gabriel keeps his silence, waves a negligent hand in goodbye, and flies off to parts unknown.
Castiel doesn't expect he'll see the archangel again, and he thinks that is how he prefers it. He has no hope left to spare for brotherly forgiveness.
Hope is of no use to broken souls, anyway.
He thinks that maybe, just maybe, he has no hope left at all.