A/N: I finished playing this game last night, and it was physically painful for me. Before, during and for most of the time after the final boss, I couldn't cry. But my body wouldn't stop shaking, and I broke out in a cold sweat, I was babbling out loud, and I was dry-sobbing. My chest hurt, like someone has stuffed a hunk of shrapnel in there. And when the very final cut-scene rolled around, I cried. A lot.
I'm still grieving, because I was probably WAY too emotionally invested in that game, but I feel ... okay. This is my way of letting out my emotions for it as I digest them.
And Ryoji ... fuck. I somehow always end up hearing spoilers for things I get into, and this game was no exception (though only because I saw the hiimdaisy comic). But I did NOT expect what had happened. I only knew that Ryoji wasn't was he appeared to be, and he was going to tell everyone that Nyx was arriving and that you would be asked to kill him (I didn't know why though). But when I actually got to that part in the game ... it still hurt, just as bad. I was still surprised, because it came out of left field, even though I usually see these things coming from a mile away!
When he was first introduced, I was pretty neutral. For how much I heard of how he was adored, I initially chalked it up to fangirl insanity. As the game progressed, I started to like his character more. He was pretty funny, but I knew something was going to happen. When it did, I was blew right out of the water. Now I know why they all adore him. Now I adore him in pretty much the same way!
I can't help but ship him and the MC really hard. I played FES (but I don't think I can touch The Answer just yet), and I'm going to play through Portable on my brother's Vita as the female protagonist. I ship both of them with Ryoji. Maybe the female equivalent a little bit more than the male one, but I've finished the game as the male.
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"The moment man devoured the fruit of knowledge, he sealed his fate..."
"Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to a dim hope."
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Humans take life for granted.
They laugh and cry, create and destroy, live and die. Life is a dual existence, and it is fact – indisputable. They take the air and the sun as something ordinary, something they deserve.
Life is not a gift, and it is cruel. Yet they cling to it desperately, and they cannot understand that they make no difference to the universe, that their lives are so fleeting that they mean nothing …
Their arrogance is sickening to you.
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"Yes, the Arcana is the means by which all is revealed..."
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The world is ending, and you are one of the few that knows.
Suddenly, any certainty that the humans around you felt is gone without a trace. The truth shakes them up, and you watch as their minds come close to breaking.
But they forget, as they always do. It hurts you to know that those closest to you are still so weak. Life is pain, you've come to learn, and humanity is incredibly masochistic.
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"Attaining one's dream requires a stern will and unfailing determination."
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You wonder if you were someone else you would feel differently. You're not entirely human anymore; you are the Wild Card. The Fall has arrived because you decided to fight, and brought the fractured pieces of your other half together. It does not bother you – it was going to arrive anyway, you've only sped it along.
The others cannot bring themselves to understand. It frustrates you. Even though they watched those who set them down this path kill each other in flashes of blood and gunmetal – they've still never considered that they too will die, and they continue to live in blithe ignorance.
But wouldn't that make you a hypocrite? You never anticipated what these people would do to you. You used to be so detached from humanity that even though you also laughed and bled, you didn't live, you just existed. You existed because there was something you must do, and you could feel it in your bones that now is not the time to die.
It was peace, and they broke it – broke you. A part of you wants to hate them for it.
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"The silent voice within one's heart whispers the most profound wisdom."
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The change was not a quick one, and you can't determine when it started. All you know is that your empty existence has ended, and now you're alive. SEES dragged you out of your own head, and you came into your life kicking and screaming, just like the rest of them.
(You wonder if that's why you get along so well with Aigis, especially towards the end. It's partially because you were practically a machine yourself, and while you started to live a little sooner than she did, it's still something you've both had to learn. Something neither of you will ever take for granted.)
You started as the Fool, but your journey is almost complete. Your bonds thrum under your skin now, like they were meant to be there, and your progression though the Arcana is a journey you wouldn't let be undone.
Suddenly, before you feel ready, you care if they die.
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"Celebrate life's grandeur ... its brilliance ... its magnificence..."
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Your apathy is gone now, though you refuse to remove your mask. Dying does not scare you, and you accept that they too will perish, but you want to delay it as long as you can. You want to protect them and keep them safe. You're aware that it's just wishful thinking, but you are too caught up in how unfamiliar hope is.
You used to think them childish. You used to pity them.
You've never been so afraid in your entire life.
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"Only courage in the face of doubt can lead one to the answer."
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Looking into Ryoji's eyes, on that bridge at the beginning of December, you catch yourself remembering you parents. You recall the feel of your psyche shattering as you watched the fire and smoke mingle, the smell of burning flesh ripping through you like knives, and maybe that's why Death didn't destroy you from the inside. He filled all the cracks in your mind, and in turn, you filled the endless void of his being.
You can see how much pain remembering causes him. It's no wonder. The two of you grew together, lived together – for a long time, you were one. And maybe, in a way, you still are.
You made each other human, and only now at the end of the world can you grieve.
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"It is indeed a precious gift to understand the forces that guide oneself..."
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Just as you felt pain when Pharos left your soul, your whole being aches when Ryoji gives you the final ultimatum.
"Kill me."
You already know your answer, from the moment the words leave his pale lips. You even suspect that he knows it too. But you can't say anything against it – you're both too much in denial.
You're both cowards, and you know it.
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"There is both joy and wonder in coming to understand another."
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Both of you have never known what it was like to be whole.
While you are human there are parts of you that can never be like them. Now, only when you are together can you feel peace, and you cling to each other like humans cling to life.
It's absurd, really. You've never spoken about it to anyone in the dorm, because they're too busy feeling sorry for themselves. You may be the only human in existence to open his arms and embrace Death without fear. Sometimes quite literately.
Your life is his, in so many ways.
There are humans that have convinced themselves that they do not fear the blue-eyed boy, but they do. It may not be a fear for their own lives, but in some form or another, Death holds their hearts in icy claws.
You drink their life in like you're starved, and it stains your teeth red.
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"One of life's greatest blessings is the freedom to pursue one's goals."
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December comes and goes, and then there he is.
Sad eyes and tense shoulders – Ryoji looks desperate. Offering to let you forget is the true testament to how human he really is now. Mercy and kindness is not something he has experienced before. It kills him to see you all in pain.
And though he fights against you to try to get you to not be stupid and kill me already, he submits to you easily.
Because you're the same.
You would never take it back, and you somewhat hate yourself for it. You can see it's the same for him, when he gives you that familiar, wistful half-smile that the boy in striped pajamas graced you with so frequently.
And you're such fools.
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"To find the one true path, one must seek guidance amidst uncertainty..."
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The Fall is coming, and Nyx will destroy everything.
You're probably the only one to realize that dying is the least of your problems. She will not only kill every living thing, but erase any trace of them.
Humans have no meaning. There is no answer. Takaya was right all along.
But they are important to you, and the rest of the world can go to hell. You are selfish, and you cannot change it. You wouldn't want to. It's not your life on the line, but your soul. And if they don't exist, then the pain you now feel would have been for nothing and you cannot accept that.
So you let Ryoji live, even after he shows you the monster he is. Thinks he is. He doesn't scare you, and never has. Monsters have been flitting through your life for as long as you can remember, and you feel more comfortable around them, anyway.
(And, really, one could argue that you a monster too.)
You cling to Death, and he holds just as tightly, your heartbeats in sync, as though he was trying to become one with you again.
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"It requires great courage to look at oneself honestly, and forge one's own path..."
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It's like you're dreaming. All you can do is count down the nights to the promised day. There's nothing you can do, and you know it. It slowly drives you mad, going about your normal routine.
You want to scream and scream and scream until your frail heart bursts and you're breathing your own blood. They will all leave you, one by one, and only then can you die. Your other half has already left. You hadn't noticed before, but you could sense his presence, even when apart. He is a being engraved into your soul, in all his forms.
Now, there is nothing.
You enter Tartarus alone. You've already mastered this place, and the once nightmarish shadows squeal at your presence and flee. Not even the Reaper can stand up to you now. The gun in your hand is cold as you press it to your temple. You vainly try to reach for him, in your heart, hoping that he is still in there and he will appear before you, no matter the form.
"THANATOS!"
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"Alongside time exists fate, the bearer of cruelty."
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Remembering hurts, but running will not do you any good. Besides, you are the one that chose your fate, and you will accept full responsibility. Pharos was the one to give you the contract, and the repercussions of turning your back on it are very clear. But it's more than just that now.
You've always been a stubborn one, even if it was how you used to just go with the flow, never letting yourself be directly affected by any of the foolish nonsense those around you spread. In a sense, this is no different. You're laughing in the face of the gods, even if it's because the tears won't come.
You are human now. You can't – won't – forget.
And even if this is the end, there are no regrets, and you feel more whole than ever before. Your mind has never been sharper. And even though Ryoji is a gaping bloody hole somewhere in your subconsciousness, all of your broken pieces have finally clicked together. Soon enough, your anxiety disappears, and the peace returns, but this time you can actually feel.
The rest of his team has reached the same conclusion, even if it's different for them. They will not turn their backs on themselves either. Even though you all know you can't win, you'll still defy the inevitable with the entirety of your beings.
You finally have something you have in common. You no longer need to lie to them.
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"Only with strength can one endure suffering and torment."
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His mask is something you can see, touch. Yours is more subtle. But your gazes cut through them with ease, because you are one and there is no hiding.
He greets you as a friend, an equal, though you both know how this battle will end.
You're both smiling like demons, with a strange euphoric lunacy. Your gazes do not stray – and while the roaring in your ears is deafening, the grip of your katana rough beneath your palms, the smell of decay so overpowering you're sure you'll throw up – you've never felt lighter.
This fight is a formality, but at the same time, comforting. Death is humoring you, and it is his way of telling you that you exist, even if it's short-lived. It's his way of apologizing – his way of saying 'I love you'. You start to laugh half-way through because you've never felt more alive, and you're completely hysterical. Your hands do not shake.
It is because you are not alone. When everything is gone, and Nyx releases her son, you and Ryoji will have oblivion. And everyone you've cared for will join you.
You've reached the end together.
For the first time, you are genuinely happy.
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"In the face of disaster lies opportunity for renewal."
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The tears finally come when you realize that the impossible is yours.
It is the first time you've ever cried, and they continue to fall as you ascend. You know the others don't understand what is happening. Their minds are too exhausted and their bodies weak. They cannot see you cry, but you know they would think it is because you are afraid.
The fear is gone. Instead, you are relieved.
You can feel Death to your back, his arms wrapped around you and his wings lifting you through the sky. He smiles against your neck, and you realize that he is crying too. You may not be able to see him, but his presence is enough for you.
You want to laugh. Not even the end of the world can truly keep you apart.
His hands are holding your wrists, not tightly, but solidly, colder than the grave against your smooth skin, as you look Nyx dead in the eyes and pull the trigger.
The end arrives.
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"Beyond the beaten path lies the absolute end. It matters not who you are..."
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You were already dead when Graduation Day came.
You kept up the pretense of living for two entire months, but the truth was, if anyone were to touch you they would find no warmth in your body, no heartbeat beneath your ribs. The most you can do is simulate breathing, but you have to do it manually or else you just stop.
No one remembers, but they will. It's probably better that they don't just yet, or they would have noticed by now. They would have figured out that you are living on borrowed time, and cannot stay.
You made a promise … a contract. You must keep it. And in a roundabout way, these two months with your loved ones are Death's way of repaying you.
They cannot see him still, but Ryoji smiles at them when they come running towards you. This time, there is no sadness in his gaze – only pure affection. His cold hand rests on your thigh while your head is in the robot's lap, the scent of damp earth and melon bread mixing with steel and spring.
You do not have the energy to live much longer. Aigis cries, sensing your departure, and you hold her hand. Because everything must end, and you were one of the few privileged ones, to know what it really means to live. You lived … and that is enough.
Cold lips press against yours as your consciousness fades. Their voices are the last thing you hear.
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"Death awaits you."
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A/N: I think part of why this game hit me so hard was because ... the things they were talking about, especially at the very end, were things that I could relate to. I suffer from major depression, which is the result of my collective experiences, and to a smaller extent, biological statistics. Don't feel bad for me (I hate feeling sorry for myself in the first place), I just need to get my feeling out because I can't do it at home, as everyone just kind of gives me this weird smile because they don't have a clue of what I'm saying or don't give a shit.
The game really started to get to me when Fuuka was introduced. She was bullied so badly, and I remembered being in a similar situation when I was in elementary. My heart went out to her, even if she was really fucking annoying in the midst of battle (she's captain obvious). The Hanged Man and Sun SLink really messed with me, because I'm at a time in my life where what they were speaking about is my reality. The Sun esspecially. I've been in and out of hospitals all my life, and even if MY illness isn't going to kill me, I got where he was coming from. And well, I think you already know I'm a writer.
Afterwards it was pretty okay, until Chidori. She was an interesting character, but in some ways I really understood her because most days, I feel empty. So far, getting close to people just hurts me. I've learned to never let anyone too close, and it's painful.
But then, well ... I think I talked about Ryoji above. The only thing is, I've pretty much done the exact opposite. I used to be innocent and naive, and I just wanted to be friends with people. But as I was met by bullies and well-meaning cruelty in the form of the hospital and my mother, I closed myself off, and buried my emotions. I became a master of compartmentalization, and I suppose it's also because of trauma. It was only when I started to write that I started to reconnect with my humanity. But I'm still cynical, pessimistic, and a ruthless realist.
I think what hit me the hardest was when the player confronts Takaya for the final time. I listed in the story what it was, and that's honestly what I believe ... mostly. I mean, I'm sure as hell not going to become a raving religious extremist elitist homicidal lunatic, but I don't have hope for the future. And I caught myself thinking that, and I laughed because it's pretty funny that I have more in common with the batshit minor villain than I do the main cast.
Then the end came ... and it reminded me that I'm not completely hopeless. I do have people I love, even if the number is small and I barely understand them, and I have something that I love doing. It seems that recently, I need to be reminded of that a lot. Even if it's a video game that does it. This story is essentially ME playing the game. Because during the last battle, I felt unbelievably connected to him, and while I was babbling I was talking as though I was Minato. Not sure what that says about me, but whatever.
So ... since you've taken the time to read this, what were your thoughts on the end? Did you feel connected to the characters like I did? And after spilling my guts, if you leave a comment please don't so that weird 'I'm sorry for you' thing, because not only do I not understand it, but I find it annoying. Though my reasons for this is a whole other matter that would take too long to explain, and I'm not willing to go into too much detail.
I hope you liked this. Thank you.