Where the Heart Lies, a without a trace fanfic

Title: Where the Heart Lies

Author: GEM

Rated: T

Author's Note: This is my first WAT fic. It goes back to season 1 namely fallout and uses dialogue from that episode and WYNOHYEB. A would like to thank DianeM for betaing this Feedback is appreciated.

Jack could hear the SWAT team shout behind him as he continued walking across the street. Barry Mashburn was being led away and Jack had no desire to remain at the scene. His mind was somewhere else and his body was heading in that direction. He handed both weapons to an agent across the street and kept walking.

Samantha. I want Samantha! Jack remembered saying the words. He had to get her out of there, but why? Was it because of love or because she was an agent under his command? He wasn't thinking when he walked across the alley. Paula was watching. This would go to OPR for sure but it hadn't mattered; the only thing that mattered was getting her out of that bookstore.

The sidewalks were wet with the recent rain, but it was warm. Jack wandered the streets deep in internal thought. Sam could have died in that bookstore and it would have been his fault. It was a simple drop. That was his reasoning for selecting her for the job, but it went bad. He put her life in danger. He would never forgive himself. He would never forget the way she looked at him when he entered the bookstore. She was so frightened—for her and for him.

His heart leapt into his throat as he brushed the stray hairs out of her face. He had to get her out of here. He had tried to be objective and play by the book, but it didn't work; his heart lead him in another direction. He looked at Sam and prayed that he wasn't too late.

He stopped by the bridge and looked down at the river. He wasn't too late. He had gotten her to safety. She was at the hospital now, alone but he was sure she was alive.

Barry spent the night lecturing him about the importance of family, of his wife, but at this moment the only place he wanted to be was at her bedside. He kept walking his brain telling his body where to go.

He walked toward and through the double doors. The florescent light bothered his eyes and for the first time that night he was cold. His shirt was wet from the elevated heat in the bookstore and the rain outside.

"Can I help you sir." A nurse approached him with concern on her face. She looked at his shirt soaked with sweat, water and blood. "Are you hurt? Is this your blood?"

"No…no…it's not." Jack acknowledged the young nurse. "It's not my blood."

"Okay. How can I help you?"

"My name is Jack Malone. I'm looking for Samantha Spade. She's a patient here.

"She was the FBI agent they brought in earlier. She's up in surgery now. There is a waiting room on the second floor. I will call up there and tell them you're on your way. They will be able to give you an update.

Jack wiped his face with his sleeve. "Thank you." Jack walked slowly toward the elevator; once he got on, he took the short ride to the second floor. When the door opened he was greeted by another sterile looking hallway. He really hated hospitals. They all looked the same, they all smelled the same, and they all had the same eerie feeling. He found the waiting room with little problem- a small, slightly more inviting room with padded chairs, end tables, magazines, and a television set. Jack paced the room for the first few minutes. He was trying to make heads or tails out of his life while waiting for any news pertaining to Samantha.

Samantha was one of the best agents he had ever worked with. She was kind and full of compassion. She was hard working, dedicated, and steadfast in her job and her beliefs. He loved her very much, so much in fact that he let his marriage and his kids suffer. Samantha, unlike Maria, made him feel alive. She was open while Maria was closed. She allowed him to be himself while Maria was always in control. Samantha was warm. She made him laugh. Maria was cold

He made his decision-- one could say he made his bed--, but he strayed. Barry had picked up on it right away. Tonight was the first time in twenty year that Jack had seen his life truly flash before his eyes. Well, you know, outside of this, I got a normal life. I'm married. It's troubled, but ..."

"Are you two still together?"

"No. We're separated. I moved out about, uh ... nine months ago."

"I'm sorry. You got kids?"

"Mm-hmm, two girls."

"They got names?"

"Hannah and Kate."

"What's your wife's name?"

"Maria."

"What happened?"

"I don't really know."

"Barry laughed at him "Oh. You don't know?"

"You know, my job is not exactly conducive to a good relationship."

"Oh, Jack, that's not a reason."

"Every day is the same. You're there. They're there. And you just get a little tied up in your ... job, your kids, your life. Pretty soon you forget the last time you had a real feeling."

"What about, um ... what about Samantha?"

"What about her?"

"Well, you seem to have a particular attachment to her."

"That's fairly observant, Barry."

"Yeah. Is that why you traded yourself for her?"

"I don't know."

"You were willing to trade your life for her life."

"In that moment, yes, I was."

"Right."

He knew Jack was hiding something. He figured out their secret in the two minutes he and Samantha were together.

"Unbelievable. You're such a selfish, selfish, selfish petty man. All the things that are happening in the world and you can't figure out how to love your wife. The mother of your children. You're so apathetic, you let it fall apart?"

Jack was brought back to the present when the door opened and a doctor entered the room. "Agent Malone?"

Jack stood up and the doctor came over. "Yes."

"Please sit down." Jack and the doctor sat and the doctor went through what happened. "I expect her to make a full recovery. The wound was a through and through, there was some minor tissue damage that we repaired and she had quite a bit of blood loss, but in a few days after some treatments and some pain medication she should be able to go home. She'll need some physical therapy before she returns to work. It's a little too soon to estimate the full recovery time."

"Thank you, Doctor. May I see her?"

"She should be coming up from recovery in a few minutes. I'll have the nurse come and get you when she's settled."

---

Jack collapsed back in the chair in a fit of exhaustion and happiness. Samantha was going to be okay. He covered his face with his hands; he couldn't control his tears.

Barry was a very perceptive man. It took him a few minutes, what it took some members of the team months to figure out. He had him pegged, and as Jack waited to see Samantha, Barry's words bounced around in his head.

The thing was maybe Barry was right, maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. He rubbed his hand over his face--Maria was his wife, and he hadn't seen his girls that much lately. Should he go home? Would she take him back if he did? He didn't know the answers, but he knew a part of him was pulling him that way. at time, his heart was screaming for him to stay. You love her; make sure Sam is all right before you leave her. He would stay and see her, but then he would go-- home. It was time to fix this-- for his girls; they needed their father.

---

He sat in the chair next to her bed. There were tubes coming from every direction. Jack was numb. He took her hand and was shocked how cold she was. He asked the nurse earlier, the young woman smiled sweetly and told him it was normal after such blood loss. He turned his attention back to Samantha. She deserved better than he had or could give her. His heart ached for her because he was the one who caused her this pain and he wanted to take it away, but he couldn't.

Jack wanted to stay here with Samantha, but they couldn't live a lie. The conversation outside the courthouse so many weeks ago came rushing back.

"You know, when Farrell asked me about us, my instinct was to tell him the truth ... because it's been really hard for me not telling anyone, ... being around you all the time and pretending like nothing ever happened, you know?"

"I know."

"I don't think I was lying to save you. I think, in that moment, I thought maybe ... if I say this, if everybody knows ... then it really will be over."

"It is over, isn't it?"

Jack reached out and lightly brushed his knuckles over the hair by her temple. He nodded his head slightly.

"Yeah, it's over."

Samantha looked into Jack's eyes, and then nodded her head as well. She slowly leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. Jack put his arm around her and rested his cheek on the top of her head.

It was over but he didn't want it to be. Jack squeezed her hand. He wanted to stay; he wanted to take back what he said to her on that bench He wanted to take care of her. He wanted to be here so she wouldn't wake up alone. His heart was with Samantha, but his conscience and his heart were with his girls. Barry's words plagued his memory. Barry had given himself a second chance, and it was time that Jack took his second chance. Jack leaned forward in the chair and placed a kiss on Samantha's head. He wrote her a note and left it on her tray and left the room.

---

It was early morning by the time he reached his townhouse. He slowly climbed the steps and hit the buzzer to let himself in. He looked around the quiet apartment, it was peaceful. It was about six in the morning, and it was nice to be home. He walked into the girls' room first. He gave them both kisses and pulled the covers up around Kate before silently leaving the room. He walked to Maria and his room next. He sat in the rocking chair next to the bed. Maria's back was turned to him and she was sleeping peacefully. Jack looked at the window at the destruction. The towers were gone. They were all still grieving. Barry wasn't the first to experience the fallout and he wouldn't be the last. He let silent tears fall as he looked out the window and watched Maria sleep. The tears were for Barry, for his friends, who were lost on 9/11, and most of all for Samantha. He would never forgive himself for the pain he caused her. He would be watching over her and he would be with her in every way he could through her recovery. Maria was his wife, but his true love lay with Samantha and his girls.

1-08-08