Determination



AN: JKR owns HP.


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They say family defines who you are.


You know who your family is. Your father's relatives are hapless, happy Muggles who think of you and your mother as being part of a whimsical, happy world. You like them all well enough. Your mother's family is a completely different story. You know they aren't whimsical, happy people, but you also know that you can't change who they are. You can't even deny their existence, like they do to you. You know that who they are affects you on a deep level, because you are family.


Aunt Bellatrix was only a few dim memories of black hair and sneering, indistinct words lost in the tides of your thoughts. You know of childhood stories starring the dark woman, who had followed in familial footsteps all the way to terror and prison, stories telling of mischievous pranks and bitter arguments over dollies. You also knew of the sneering face that glared down at your desk from one of the many Wanted posters that now decorated Auror headquarters. You didn't know this woman well enough to miss, and knew enough about her to know she was to be feared.


Uncle Rodolphus left even less of an impression.


Aunt Narcissa was ice. You had bumped into her with your mother a few times, around London and such, but no scenes had ever occurred. That would be unseemly for a woman such as Narcissa Malfoy, and your mother had been brought up in such a way that she wouldn't cause a fuss in public either. You sometimes wonder why your mother had married your mutt father at all, since she was so stuck on appearances.


Uncle Lucius was imposing.


Your mother stood with all the nobility of one brought up to think of herself as a princess, even as she cleaned house and visited her husband's Muggle parents. Time had put wrinkles on her face and callouses on her hands, but it had done nothing at all to her posture and poise. You are jealous, insanely so, of your mother's bearing, something you are doomed to never achieve for yourself.


Your father was the most human of them all. He was sloppy and never picked up after himself, and had never quite mastered perfect table manners. You loved this about him, the stark contrast that was created against your mother's impeccable manners. You favored your father, and never even blamed him for the horrid name that you had been saddled with. You know he would have named you Jane if your mother hadn't still clung to the last ideals of her upbringing. You are named after a long dead ancestress, and fear that you will never manage to claw your way out from underneath that shadow.


It helps that you are special. You possess a great gift, as your mother told you as a child. You just thought it was neat how you could make yourself look silly. Once, you gave yourself an elephant nose that took nearly three hours to transform back. As you grew older, you realized even more advantages to your gift, as you twisted and transformed your plain body into more glamourous shapes. Sometimes you didn't even know what you were supposed to look like anymore, and then a vague terror would attack you. You were sure that you wouldn't be able to go back to your real self. No one would ever get to see what you looked like underneath the fancy appearances.


It was after that that you started to stay with your real appearance more. You altered your hair more than anything else, because hair was safe. Hair could grow back, and you didn't have to worry whether it was the same or not.


You had decided, much to the incredibility of your Head of House, that you wanted to become an Auror. You were explained that Aurors were expected to have a certain amount of grace and coordination, but you ignored them. You had confidence that you could do well at it. You never mentioned that your mother's sad face when speaking of her family was what had made you decide on the most useful, good job to counteract it. Your mother could be proud of what you had become.


You did well enough at Auror training, your gift coming in handy more than once. You never quite conquered the clumsiness that stems from never really knowing how long your legs ought to be, but you were whole-hearted in your attempt and worked hard, so your positive aspects outweighed your klutzy tendencies.


You sometimes wonder if you would have chosen a different career if your parents had been anyone else, but such musings are pointless. You would be someone else had your parents been anyone else. Besides, you enjoy your work.


You know that your mother is proud of you, and you are happy with yourself. Family defined who you were, and family keeps you happy with who you are.




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Thanks for reading!