Harry Potter Meets You Can't Do That On Television
by Valerie Keller

"FEMINISM"

Graphic of Botticelli's "Birth of Venus," with Venus in combat boots, ripped fishnets, green spiky hair and a tank top that reads DYKE POWER.

ANNOUNCER: "The Feminine Mistake" will not be seen today, in order that we may bring you the following error-ridden production.

-OPENING THEME-

LINK SET-Intro

(Ron, Hermione, Fred, George)

RON: Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of You Can't Do That on Television. Today we're going to be looking at a very important and, er -- he shoots a look at HERMIONE, who eyes him-- sensitive topic: feminism.

HERMIONE: That's right, Ron -- it is important. Why, up until recent years, witches have had to --

FRED and GEORGE walk on behind RON and HERMIONE, appearing deep in conversation about the pros and cons of using dungbombs to get out of detention.

HERMIONE: Hello, Fred, hello, George. You're just in time to hear the introduction to today's topic!

She turns to face the camera.

GEORGE: Brilliant, mates. What is it?

HERMIONE: Feminism!

FRED: Grinning mischievously. Feminism, eh?

RON: With a quick glance at HERMIONE, as if to make sure she's listening. Yeah, equal rights for female wizards, the women's lib movement, things like that.

HERMIONE nods approvingly as FRED and GEORGE exchange a quick, devious glance.

HERMIONE: I was just going to say that up until recently, witches have had to fight for basic rights such as-

FRED: To RON, ignoring HERMIONE. Did you say 'women's lib?'

HERMIONE sighs loudly, frustrated.

RON: Sure, you know, 'women's liberation.'

FRED and GEORGE look at each other again, then explode into giggles, scampering off screen together.

RON: Hey, where are you guys…no, I don't think I want to know.

HERMIONE: Right, it doesn't matter. Now, as I was saying. Witches have long had to fight for what little respect and dignity-

A loud bang is heard off screen, followed by hysterical laughter from FRED and GEORGE.

HERMIONE: Throws up her hands. Oh, good grief.

RON: Did I say I didn't want to know? What I meant was, I really, really want to know.

HERMIONE: Resigned. Oh, just go, Ron.

Guiltily, he goes. HERMIONE takes a deep breath and smiles, as if about to start her spiel over, when more fizzing and popping is heard offstage, followed by laughter from RON.

HERMIONE: Helplessly appeals to the camera. Well, I can't just leave him with those two!

She runs off after them.

2. THE DURSLEYS' LIVING ROOM

(Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Harry)

VERNON is sitting in his easy chair, engrossed in his evening paper. PETUNIA is on the couch, struggling (in her vast yellow rubber gloves) to knit something large, shapeless and blue.
DUDLEY opens the living room door quietly and starts tiptoeing across the room behind his parents. HARRY follows shortly after, not trying to be at all quiet. DUDLEY'S face is cut and bruised, his shirt torn and dirty, as if he's been in a fight.

PETUNIA: Hearing DUDLEY but not turning around just yet. Oh, Dudley, you're home! I've been just itching to show you the sweater I've knitted for you; it says "Dudders" on the front-OH! She catches sight of DUDLEY'S face. Dudley, my sweet, what's happened to you?

VERNON looks over, starts, and jumps to his feet.

VERNON: Dudley, son, have you had a barney? VERNON and PETUNIA exchange looks-VERNON is delighted, PETUNIA horrified. My boy! Been in a good brawl, then, eh? D'you show him a bit of the old Dursley charm? Bet he had the other fellow begging for mercy, Petunia-say, Dudley, who was the other fellow?

PETUNIA: Vernon, don't encourage him!-Yes, tell us, Dudley. Tell us who did this to you. I'll call his mother straight away.

VERNON: Oh, for heaven's sake, Petunia, do you want to get the boy in another fight? Just let him-Dudley? Son, are you all right?

DUDLEY has turned greenish, but still hesitates, avoiding eye contact with his parents. HARRY, who has been watching with some amusement, arms folded, rolls his eyes.

HARRY: Go on, Dudley, tell them.

VERNON: Turning suspiciously on HARRY. You were there too, then? You haven't got a mark on you!

HARRY: Ignoring VERNON. You can't call his mother, Aunt Petunia.

PETUNIA: Oh? And why's that, you little boil? She pauses nastily. Hasn't he got one?

DUDLEY: Desperately. Harry, wait-

HARRY: Just as nastily. You can't call his mother, because it wasn't a he. Dudley got beat up by a girl!

There is a shocked silence. The DURSLEYS look at DUDLEY, who glares at HARRY.

PETUNIA: A girl, Dudley?

DUDLEY: Not just a girl, Mum. Brenda Bogswallop. She's built like a tank.

VERNON: Nonsense, it's just the jealous little wart making up stories. No son of mine could be bested by some…some pig-tailed, ruffle-skirted, soft-hearted little GIRL!

There is a tremendous pounding on the front door. DUDLEY looks terrified.

BRENDA: Off-stage DURSLEY, YOU BLOODY GREAT COWARD! GET BACK OUT HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

The DURSLEYS are thunderstruck.

HARRY: Grinning madly. Ah, there's the pig-tailed, ruffle-skirted, soft-hearted little girl now!

Cut as VERNON lunges for HARRY.

3. FIRING RANGE

(Capitano, Ginny, Amigos)

GINNY stands against the post, looking remarkably calm and brave.

CAPITANO: Raises his sword. Ready -- aim -- GINNY closes her eyes. Wait, wait, wait. Stop the execution.

GINNY: Annoyed Oy! What's the hold-up?

CAPITANO: Sighing loudly I can't have you shot, Virginia.

GINNY: Confused Why ever not?

CAPITANO: Because -- He eyes the AMIGOS warily, then lowers his voice, leaning closer to GINNY -- because, you're a GIRL.

GINNY: Oh, well spotted, Capitano.

CAPITANO: So you think that's funny, do you? Darn kids, always gotta make some smart comment -- He continues to mutter as he unties GINNY and shoos her off camera. He stops in front of the post with his arms folded stubbornly as the AMIGOS laugh and make catcalls.Yeah, yeah. What do you guys think I am, stupido? That would have been career suicide. I mean, shooting boys is fine, but as soon as you start executing girls then it's the women's leagues all shouting 'sexism,' and before you know it you're FIRED!

Pause

No, no! Wait!

AMIGOS fire. CAPITANO falls.

4. LINK SET-Part Two

(Hermione, Ron, Angelina, Alicia)

HERMIONE steers RON onto the set firmly by the elbow.

HERMIONE: Ron, I just don't think they're a good influence on you.

RON: Glaring at HERMIONE. For heaven's sake, Hermione, they're my own flesh and blood!

HERMIONE: That doesn't mean you have to act like it.

ALICIA and ANGELINA run in, clad in towels, dripping wet and furious.

RON: 'Ey, what's all this then?

HERMIONE, shocked, claps a hand over RON'S eyes, but he indignantly bats it away.

ANGELINA: All right, where are they? We know they came through here.

RON: Where…where are who?

ALICIA: Just wait till I get at those little gits with my wand!

She waves her wand menacingly. RON ducks.

HERMIONE: Who's a git?

ANGELINA: They'll be sorry they ever messed with us!

ALICIA: They'll be sorry they were ever born!

ANGELINA: They'll be-

RON and HERMIONE: Who will?

ANGELINA: Fred and George Weasley! Who else?

RON groans. HERMIONE steams.

HERMIONE: Muttering I should have known they weren't really experimenting with transfiguring wave particles!

RON: Er, don't beat yourself up, Hermione.

ALICIA: We were having our showers after Quidditch practice today when those wretched little snakes-

ANGELINA: Wretched, conniving, bottom-dwelling snakes-

ALICIA: --stole our robes from the locker room!

ANGELINA: And they left this she waves her wand in their place.

A large glowing sign floats magically over their heads. RON reads it admiringly.

RON: 'The Weasley Women's Liberation Front: Liberating women from their clothing since about 25 minutes ago.'

RON trails off, snickering to himself, until he notices the poisonous stares of the three girls.

RON: Hey, all in fun, ladies.

ANGELINA and ALICIA hurry off camera, swearing under their breath. HERMIONE stalks off after them, muttering to herself.

HERMIONE: …single-handedly set the women's movement back 50 years…

5. THE DURSLEYS' DINNER TABLE

(Vernon, Petunia, Harry, Dudley, Brenda)

VERNON and HARRY sit at the table while PETUNIA sets out a steaming dish of what appears to be vomit. HARRY pretends to gag until silenced by a glare from VERNON.

VERNON: Where on earth's Dudley? I called him three times.

HARRY: With mock concern He never misses a meal!

PETUNIA: Shut up, boil. Pleasantly, to VERNON. Didn't he tell you, darling? Dudley's bringing his new girlfriend for dinner tonight. HARRY chokes on his milk. A door slams. That'll be them now!

DUDLEY enters with an equally tremendous girl. HARRY gapes.

DUDLEY: Awkwardly Mum, Dad, I'd like you to meet-

HARRY: Brenda Bogswallop?

VERNON and PETUNIA: Brenda Bogswallop!

VERNON: But…but Dudders! Don't you want a girlfriend who-well, who acts like a girl?

DUDLEY: Holier-than-thou Real women know how to defend themselves, Dad. He gazes lovingly at BRENDA. Brenda's going to teach me her trademark headlock tomorrow.

VERNON sputters and whirls on HARRY, who holds up his hands in surrender.

HARRY: Calm down, Uncle Vernon…it's just-

He glances knowingly at PETUNIA.

HARRY and PETUNIA: The introduction to the opposites!

Screen flip-flops.

6. LOCKER ROOM – OPPOSITES

(Oliver Wood, Gryffindor Quidditch Team-Goblet of Fire)

The GRYFFINDOR TEAM sits casually in the locker room, some on the bench, some on the floor, some standing. They chat quietly, opening and closing lockers and tying their shoes. OLIVER WOOD walks in, wearing a gray T-shirt and sweatpants, sporting a baseball cap and a silver whistle around his neck. He is carrying a clipboard. He looks very coach-like.

OLIVER: OK, team, listen up!

The team goes silent and form a semicircle around OLIVER.

I realize we haven't had much time to practice, what with all the driving hailstorms this month.

Some mournful sounds are heard from the players.

And yes, I realize we're playing Slytherin, our sworn enemies. And of course we all know they've managed to get in several practices with illegal Drying Charms.

Even more disgruntlement from the team.

And yes, I realize that 25 of our team motions to the girls is coping with killer PMS-chin up, ladies-and another 25 this time indicates FRED and GEORGE has had 33 consecutive days of detention for putting a Windstorm Pellet on Professor Snape's chair during Potions.

FRED and GEORGE high-five each other. OLIVER smiles indulgently.

I realize that our MVP turns on HARRY with a dazzling smile is number one on the shit list of the most powerful Death Eater the wizarding world has ever seen, and has therefore been slightly, er, distracted as of late –

Everyone cringes, ducks, and avoids eye contact with OLIVER, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But I want you all to know that, whether we win or lose next week…I love you guys. He tears up. C'mon, everybody, group hug! Group hug!

He squeezes his eyes shut and holds out his arms. The TEAM exchange horrified glances and edge away from OLIVER.

FRED: Muttering I guess this is what you call 'getting in touch with your feminine side.'

7. HAGRID'S HUT – OPPOSITES

(Hagrid, Harry, Hermione, Ron)

HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are sitting at Hagrid's wooden table, chatting casually. HAGRID brings over three steaming dishes of food, which he places before each of the students with a flourish.

HAGRID: Dinner is served!

The kids exchange wary glances as they peer into the serving dish.

HARRY: Er – what's this, Hagrid?

HERMIONE: Freshly baked rock cakes?

RON: Stoat soufflé?

HAGRID: Shooting them dirty looks. D'I heard that! No, I though' I'd try somethin' a little different this evenin' – wha' we've got here is grilled chicken breasts, ligh'ly marinated in herbs – me own dear mum's recipe – and topped by diced tomatoes in a creamy velouté sauce, with a side of tender new potatoes steamed with sweet garlic and dill.

RON and HARRY stare at HAGRID, open-mouthed. HERMIONE grins.

HERMIONE: Beaming Why, Hagrid! It's so nice to see men taking an interest in traditionally feminine chores.

RON perks up at this, scooting his chair imperceptibly closer to HERMIONE.

RON: Casually You know, Hermione, I can make lasagna…

8. POTIONS DUNGEON – OPPOSITES

(Snape, Harry)

HARRY is sitting alone at a desk with an enormous book before him, opened to the first page. SNAPE paces back and forth in front of HARRY'S desk.

SNAPE: For your detention this afternoon, Potter, I'd like you to copy out pages two through…let's see… He flips carelessly through the book. one thousand, four hundred and thirty-eight.

HARRY: But, Professor, this is supposed to be an opposites sketch – and you give me detention all the time!

SNAPE: Quite right, Potter, quite right. However, if you'll take a closer look at the title of the book…

HARRY flips to the cover of the book and peers at it.

HARRY: 'An Exhaustive Encyclopedia of Women in Wizarding!'

SNAPE: As you can see, I've begun to embrace a more holistic, feminist curriculum!

SNAPE frolics out of the classroom, humming a happy tune to himself.