Title: Another Day On The Enterprise
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and technobabble are the sole property of Paramount.
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise glides through space past the camera. Don't ask my why they aren't at Warp speed. Anyway…
Archers voice is heard, "Captains Log, May 1, 2151. I have ordered the ship to travel at maximum speed towards the nearest star-base…I mean, Vulcan planet…to pick up fresh supplies. Now I have to report to duty…dang it's boring here…I mean, there's no techno-babble to make exiting things happen, there are no ensigns to kill in foolish away missions, and there is little to no sexual tension on the ship-"
T'Pol interrupts the captain, "Captain, please report to the bridge."
Archer replies, "Aw man…fine…be right up…"
Archer walks down the hall towards the turbo-lift…or elevator…or whatever it is called…but suddenly stops in the middle of the corridor. Archer turns, and walks down the hall. Finally, Archer reaches the mess hall. "How can I help you, Captain?" Says the cook.
"I'll have some of that fresh berry pie…I could smell it all the way down the hall!"
"I'll right then." The cook leans over the mess hall server-display console and suddenly looks up disturbed. "Captain, according to this, you've used up your entire weekly rations. It's only Thursday!"
"Oh, let me fix that…" Archer replies. Archer walks over to the display and pushes several buttons, and then says, "Command code Beta-101-47."
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 4 minutes, 47 seconds."
Archer says, "Oh crap, wrong codes, sorry cook…" Archer enters a new code and removes a piece of fresh pie from the shelf. "I think that should fix that ration problem…see you later!"
Archer walks of the elevator/turbo-lift/transport device and onto the bridge. T'Pol comments, "Captain, you are 7.47 minutes late for your shift on the bridge, and let me also mention you are not allowed to eat blueberry pie on the bridge."
Archer hides the pie behind his back. "What pie?" he asks innocently.
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 3 minutes."
Archer jumps, "Crap, I forgot to turn that off!" Archer drops the pie on the floor and runs over to the nearest console. "Abort self-destruct Captains Authorization Code Beta 101-47!"
Computer replies, "Self-destruct abort requires Sub-Commander Authorization Code."
"T'Pol, get over here and turn of the self-destruct sequence! I can't get it to stop!" Archer whines.
T'Pol calmly states, "Abort self-destruct Sub-Commander Authorization Code Delta 47-Pi."
Archer states, "Hoshi, put me on intercom…thank you. This is your captain speaking. This has been a test of the Emergency Self-Destruct System. Had it been a real self-destruct, I would of ran down the hall screaming towards the captains personal escape pod, and the rest of the crew would of evacuated through the other escape pods, the shuttle-pods, and the transporter room. Thank-you. That is all."
T'Pol looks up at the captain with a skeptical look. "Captain, 33% of the crew have already abandoned ship during the self-destruct warnings. Also, two ensigns panicked and tried transporting of the ship."
"Were are the ensigns now?"
"They got caught on the warp nacelles and picked up by an escape pod. Aside from some massive internal injuries they should be fine after a couple of weeks down in the sickbay."
Archer nods. "That's very, very good news. I mean, with only 82 people on the ship, we can't afford to lose an ensign to something like a transporter accident…well, that was fun, but I have to go to the bathroom now…" The Captain excuses himself from the bridge.
Half an hour later, T'Pol looks around annoyed. "T'Pol to Archer. You were supposed to report back to your shift 15 minutes ago. Please report to the bridge."
Ten minutes later Archer walks onto the bridge and slumps into the captain's chair. "Hey, Mayweather, why aren't we at Warp speed?"
Mayweather turns around, "Captain, you said to go at maximum speed and this is maximum speed. You see, Albert Einstein said that nothing could go faster then light speed. When we go to warp we bend time-space and travel through the little space-time bend at 3 quarters impulse. So technically full impulse outside of warp is the fastest-"
"Aw, cut it Mayweather. That isn't even real techno-babble. So shut up and take me to warp speed, now!"
"Right away Captain!" Mayweather leans over his sensors. "Oh wait captain, there's still one escape-pod that hasn't docked yet…"
"Who's on board the space-pod?"
"Three minor crewmen and two ensigns with massive internal injuries."
Archer nods. "Well, they can wait to be picked up, but our mission can't wait. Mayweather, set coarse again for the nearest Vulcan planet, Warp 9."
Mayweather rolls his eyes. "Captain, we don't have Warp 9."
"Okay then…Warp 4.7. And straight on 'till morning."
T'Pol comments, "Captain, at Warp 4.7, we will reach the planet in only 3 hours, not one day."
"Alright! All right! Just let us be on! Make it so! Engage!"
Captain Picard begins to walk on to the bridge to protest Archers use of his line, but the crew of the time-ship Relativity drag him away before he can interfere with the time line.
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and technobabble are the sole property of Paramount.
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise glides through space past the camera. Don't ask my why they aren't at Warp speed. Anyway…
Archers voice is heard, "Captains Log, May 1, 2151. I have ordered the ship to travel at maximum speed towards the nearest star-base…I mean, Vulcan planet…to pick up fresh supplies. Now I have to report to duty…dang it's boring here…I mean, there's no techno-babble to make exiting things happen, there are no ensigns to kill in foolish away missions, and there is little to no sexual tension on the ship-"
T'Pol interrupts the captain, "Captain, please report to the bridge."
Archer replies, "Aw man…fine…be right up…"
Archer walks down the hall towards the turbo-lift…or elevator…or whatever it is called…but suddenly stops in the middle of the corridor. Archer turns, and walks down the hall. Finally, Archer reaches the mess hall. "How can I help you, Captain?" Says the cook.
"I'll have some of that fresh berry pie…I could smell it all the way down the hall!"
"I'll right then." The cook leans over the mess hall server-display console and suddenly looks up disturbed. "Captain, according to this, you've used up your entire weekly rations. It's only Thursday!"
"Oh, let me fix that…" Archer replies. Archer walks over to the display and pushes several buttons, and then says, "Command code Beta-101-47."
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 4 minutes, 47 seconds."
Archer says, "Oh crap, wrong codes, sorry cook…" Archer enters a new code and removes a piece of fresh pie from the shelf. "I think that should fix that ration problem…see you later!"
Archer walks of the elevator/turbo-lift/transport device and onto the bridge. T'Pol comments, "Captain, you are 7.47 minutes late for your shift on the bridge, and let me also mention you are not allowed to eat blueberry pie on the bridge."
Archer hides the pie behind his back. "What pie?" he asks innocently.
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 3 minutes."
Archer jumps, "Crap, I forgot to turn that off!" Archer drops the pie on the floor and runs over to the nearest console. "Abort self-destruct Captains Authorization Code Beta 101-47!"
Computer replies, "Self-destruct abort requires Sub-Commander Authorization Code."
"T'Pol, get over here and turn of the self-destruct sequence! I can't get it to stop!" Archer whines.
T'Pol calmly states, "Abort self-destruct Sub-Commander Authorization Code Delta 47-Pi."
Archer states, "Hoshi, put me on intercom…thank you. This is your captain speaking. This has been a test of the Emergency Self-Destruct System. Had it been a real self-destruct, I would of ran down the hall screaming towards the captains personal escape pod, and the rest of the crew would of evacuated through the other escape pods, the shuttle-pods, and the transporter room. Thank-you. That is all."
T'Pol looks up at the captain with a skeptical look. "Captain, 33% of the crew have already abandoned ship during the self-destruct warnings. Also, two ensigns panicked and tried transporting of the ship."
"Were are the ensigns now?"
"They got caught on the warp nacelles and picked up by an escape pod. Aside from some massive internal injuries they should be fine after a couple of weeks down in the sickbay."
Archer nods. "That's very, very good news. I mean, with only 82 people on the ship, we can't afford to lose an ensign to something like a transporter accident…well, that was fun, but I have to go to the bathroom now…" The Captain excuses himself from the bridge.
Half an hour later, T'Pol looks around annoyed. "T'Pol to Archer. You were supposed to report back to your shift 15 minutes ago. Please report to the bridge."
Ten minutes later Archer walks onto the bridge and slumps into the captain's chair. "Hey, Mayweather, why aren't we at Warp speed?"
Mayweather turns around, "Captain, you said to go at maximum speed and this is maximum speed. You see, Albert Einstein said that nothing could go faster then light speed. When we go to warp we bend time-space and travel through the little space-time bend at 3 quarters impulse. So technically full impulse outside of warp is the fastest-"
"Aw, cut it Mayweather. That isn't even real techno-babble. So shut up and take me to warp speed, now!"
"Right away Captain!" Mayweather leans over his sensors. "Oh wait captain, there's still one escape-pod that hasn't docked yet…"
"Who's on board the space-pod?"
"Three minor crewmen and two ensigns with massive internal injuries."
Archer nods. "Well, they can wait to be picked up, but our mission can't wait. Mayweather, set coarse again for the nearest Vulcan planet, Warp 9."
Mayweather rolls his eyes. "Captain, we don't have Warp 9."
"Okay then…Warp 4.7. And straight on 'till morning."
T'Pol comments, "Captain, at Warp 4.7, we will reach the planet in only 3 hours, not one day."
"Alright! All right! Just let us be on! Make it so! Engage!"
Captain Picard begins to walk on to the bridge to protest Archers use of his line, but the crew of the time-ship Relativity drag him away before he can interfere with the time line.