After-the-Math
"Grandpa, wake up, you wrinkled senile sack of potatoes!" Two years after Kefka had died, Relm had grown to be a sweet little angel, or so her parents said.
"AAhhhgghhg…..agag!" Strago had been asleep for who knows how long, "What is it now, is it the millennium? Am I back at the studio? Is Oprah queen yet? Where's my Vicodin?" Strago's age finally had caught up with him, and so had the Alzheimer's.
"Grandpa," She whined, "I could really use some help with my math homework instead of watching you sit there rotting away the years on that chair upholstered with Kefka-carcass until we can't pay for your medication anymore!"
"Oh," Strago belched, "That reminds me, my testing supplies need to be refurbished…And I need my…opium…mmm opi-O's" He wheezed under his breathe.
Relm glared at his cloudy unfocused eyes, and then in the distance, thinking of the several ways she could brutally distort this old geyser. "Forget your medication; I need e-JEW-macation. Now go smash your head your against the wall until you begin to even contemplate what a number is or how the Count on Sesame Street got a visa."
"Yes sex queen, your sex driven wishes are my command." The very old Strago, for once didn't mumble.
"Excellent." Relm/Mr. Burnes said…
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Meanwhile, Mog and Umaro were "playing" in Umaro's cave, trying to figure out what the heck they were.
"Umaro, what's a gender? Do I have one? How do I get one?" Mog regurgitated.
"Stop asking stupid questions you skanky moogle. As long as you don't know, no one else has to know. It'll be our little secret, okay. Heeheehee." Now forget about it and get on your back. We need to practice the "swan" position for the school play.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I feel so used I could be a model at Ross!
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Over the years Locke had decided to become a secret agent. He was on a mission to kill someone with his super-mega-death-harpy-ray-gun-dagger, which he loved more than all the world, except for his dear wife Celes.
"Ooooh," Locke heard a quiet voice from around the corner, "This one's got a LOT of fire power. Ghha, but this one has pretty beads dangling from the end. Although it wouldn't compliment my empyreal personality."
It was a voice Locke knew, but before he could react he heard and saw a loud "BANG" shoot his right ear off except for a few strands of skin. He grabbed the side of his head in agony and toppled to the floor.
"OH NO, did I miss!? OOOLALA, aren't you a cutie." A person came around from the corner holding a wimpy looking pistol compared to his super-mega-death-harpy-ray-gun-dagger. "Too bad I have to KILL YOU!"
"Celes, wait it's me, Locke!" he tried to grab his super-mega-death-harpy-ray-gun-dagger, but it had broken when he fell. Guess it ironically didn't have that much resistance to SPY WORK!
"UUUUGGh," she pulled off her ski mask which had been put on rather molestedly, "Are you kidding me? This is what happened last time! I'm still sorry Shadow's Father!" She mumbled under her breath. "I love you too much for us to be separated!! I shall join you in the afterlife!!"
Locke gasped in a feminine tone. "No, I'm not dying you idiot!! Just kiss me with your fat Jolie lips!!!
Ignoring the comment about her easy-button sized lips, Celes dove in and planted a very wet kiss on her lover. Saliva went every which way, but her hand had smacked the super-mega-death-harpy-ray-gun-dagger on her way down, which then shot a hole in the wall. They stopped their love making for just a moment, waiting in silence. As soon as Locke pulled her back, they heard a giggle.
"Fufufufu…… What do we have here?"
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On Setzer's too-big-for-its-own-good airship, a pair of dice fell and hit someone on the head down below. This man later died.
"Ohohoh. Let's throw something heavier!!" Cyan rummaged through his pack, digging to find the one thing that would please his dear friend Setzer. "Come on! We don't have all millennium!!"
At last Cyan's face popped up from his bag. "Aha! I've found it. Let's hope who ever finds this isn't Buddhist." For indeed, it was a heavy brass Buddha.
"MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE!!!!!" Setzer snatched the figure and hung it out the window. Cyan rushed over to watch "3! 2! 1! YIPEE!!!!!!" They both chanted in unison as the shining beauty plummeted down.
"Whewww that was a work-out!!" Setzer plopped sown in his big comfy chair which had also been upholstered with Kefka-carcass. "Hey Cyan, hand over the goodies…"
Cyan stared straight at Setzer with a hungry-looking face. A slight growl and drool emitted from his mouth. "CLEAVE!!" In a flash, Cyan soared across the room, slashed Setzer with his super-Asian sword, and then Cyan started devouring the corpse.
Some say Cyan had turrets. Some say he was possessed by his long-lost family. But really, he was just pissed because Setzer had already had twenty-two snorts of cocaine that afternoon….
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Deep within the sands of Figaro, a bunch of men were having beer and fun. Yes, it was a gay bar. There was some dancing and hip shaking, but the heat of the party was not because of the simpletons who wanted to see some man-face. No, it was the two Princes of Figaro. The twins: Edgar and Sabin. They had picked the best songs to dance to, and everyone loved them, except for their parents up in Heaven.
"What do ya' say we ditch this place and get some real action in your castle?" Sabin was sweaty and tired. Only a miracle would get him up and going.
Edgar replied with a smile of glee on his face. "Yeah, when this song is done, let's head up." So, they waited for the song to end, and when they were finally done dancing, they started walking to the stairs. Hands were rubbing against them as they walked, but they shoved them aside.
Once up in the castle, they rushed to the main entertainment room. They plopped onto the couch and Edgar dimmed the lights. "Aww, this is going to be totally awesome!"
Sabin grabbed for something, and then replied, "Yeah, once this turns on, then the real action can start." Then he pressed the button.
"HOORAY! BOURNE ULTIMATUM!! OUR FAVORITE MOVIE!!"
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Outside the buildings and villages, two cold and wild creatures roam around the Veldt, but still get around seeing what else is out there.
"Oo GAAU!!" pointed a small green-haired boy. He seemed to be searching for a fallen crow. The caped man that stood next to him nodded.
"Yes, 'tis time." Shadow, the lone thief, (well, used to be alone) grabbed the boy's hair and lifted him up. They ran towards the small village of Albrook, taking out there knives and sticks and other bandit items. When they reached the entrance, a mid-sized man with rancid feet greeted them. He smiled, and then said, "Hello, what business do you have, or do you have business? Or are you my neighbor's pets? Oh please, I thought I did away with you years ago! Wait, no! You're my wife's lover, and you're her to take her!? NOOOO!!!"
The man then killed himself rather violently, plopping on the wet grass with his smelly feet shtanking up the place. "NO SHTANK YOU!" Gau croaked. Shadow slapped the back of Gau's head and his dog, Interceptor, bit both his bare feet. Gau covered both the hurting areas, and stupidly tried to grow an extra arm to cover the third. Shadow motioned for Gau to follow, and reluctantly he did.
"Now, we need to sneak into the weaponry shop first, then the armory, then the relic shop, and finally the pub. The drunken hobos shouldn't be any harder than last night's meal.
"Roasted antelopes and Kefka-carcass." Gau blabbed. After a belly rub, he added "Yummy yummy!!"
Shadow picked him up and whisper-yelled, "YOU REALLY NEED TO SHUT UP BEFORE I SEW YOUR MOUTH WITH INTERCEPTOR'S CLAWS!!" Gau was let go and then quietly followed, walking like his arms were twice the length of his legs. They reached the weaponry and barged right in. Shadow was busy stabbing the shop owner, so Gau quickly grabbed that yappy dog and ran. Shadow didn't notice until his heart gave and he started having an aneurism. Gau began devouring the poor pooch with his razor-like jaws.
"MAHAMAHA….GAUwowow!!!" He had been waiting for this moment for quite a long time. It was when the dog's butt was left to eat that Shadow crept form behind Gau and slashed his throat with a sickle-blade, the thinnest blade known to man. Gau was still chewing when a gust of wind came to blow his head off. Shadow's heart had been hurt, and guards began to surround the man and his dog's butt blood. He then looked off into the distance. "I forgive you Celes." And when he was about to cut his own throat, a giant Zu bird swooped in and bit his head off.
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Terra was in the esper world now, and things were going okay. Her boyfriend had been cheating on her for sometime, but she liked girls. DARLA!! Gogo, on the other hand, had been figuring out a way to meet his/her true love and join the espers. Finally after much hardship, he succeeded and fell on top of Terra as she was dropping a wave-of-babies over a cliff.
"What are you doing to those children!?" Gogo was shocked.
"What children? This is my garbage for the week. But, why are you here?" Trying to understand the excitement he/she was having, Gogo stared pleasingly at Terra.
"Hello? Are you retarded now Gogo, or should I say Goho!!"
Gogo was offended, so he/she mimicked her, saying, "Are you retarded now Terra, or should I say Lesbian-erra!! Both of them felt sad and sick, so they shook hands and walked together to Terra's house.
"…and then I popped up here!" Gogo had finished telling the story over a cup of Kefka-carcass coffee.
"Well, erm, good story! I laughed, I cried, I gained ten pounds, lost five."
Gogo stared blackly at her, wondering how he could-
"HEY!" Terra snapped, "STOP UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR EYES! NOW BEGONE! I don't even know what gender you are! Nobody does! So Gogo left and never spoke to Terra again. He/She went to finish Terra's dumpster job before he too plummeted to his/her death over the cliff.
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Relm had finished her math homework and quietly stuffed it in her backpack to avoid waking up her half drugged-half senile grandfather. She decided if she was mean to her family then she would be awful to people she didn't know! So she went up to her Strago and hit him with a frying pan. She wanted to be evil to everyone in the world so she could CONTROL!! She cackled, while Strago groaned in agony. Relm chanted upstairs, "I hit better than Peach! I hit better than Peach! I hit better than Peach!!
Author's Note: I hope you noticed how Kefka-carcasses are really pouplar among these people! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!