Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone except an OC named "John" and the villain of this story whom you will meet soon.
Summary: With every prospect of reaching his dream of being an Olympic Gold Medalist, Rin suddenly finds himself face to face with his haunting dark past in Australia threatening to undo him. Trying to get into grips with his past, Rin retorts to sleeping around and secrecy which only sets him on the road to destroying his public image and his name being crossed out of the national team. Being in the national team as well, Mikoshiba seeks Haru's help and Haru in return asks Makoto to talk to Rin but can Makoto help Rin or will this meeting ruin his relationship with Haru?
Warnings: Dark themes, emotional turmoil, mentions of abuse and dubious consent.( nothing graphic for now).
Career and relationships: Rin, Haruka and Captian Mikoshiba are in the national team. Makoto has pursued singing and is a local celebrity, he also coaches Iwatobi Swim team. Rin also does some modeling so is quite popular.
Haruka and Makoto are together. Mikoshiba and Gou are a couple so that makes Seijuurou ... Rin's brother-in-law! Rin has many partners whom he doesn't give a s*** about but there's a special person for him whom you'll meet later and in case you are wondering, Yes... Rin's been abused in Australia and that's why he's sleeping around. Some rape victims do so as a way to cope with the trauma instead of seeking help and sadly Rin does the same thing.
I woke up to the smell of sex and the touch of a warm body entangled with mine, the usual numbness and emotional detachment that I've felt after sex for a time now and I thought I'd be greeting the face of yet another stranger. I opened my eyes and froze at the sight that greeted me. It must have been the shock of seeing that painfully familiar mop of sandy blond hair that had suddenly made my chest constricting so painfully and breathing impossible. Gods what had I done? Had I slept with Makoto, my childhood friend and Haru's boyfriend?
…
When I saw him, the first thing that crossed my mind was to turn the corner and leave, spend the night in the warm embrace of some stranger and return in the
morning. I couldn't face him, not now, not when I was barely keeping myself together, not when I was so much hurting… but who was I kidding? It was Makoto. I bet I
would find him right there and then, the only difference would be that worried look on his face as he would fuss over the hung over me, trying to coax me into drinking
that foul tasting remedy of his as he gave me that damned worried look.
If there was one thing in the world that I didn't want to see, it was that look in his eyes. It made make my heart ache. Why did he have to care? He would ask so many
questions, he would care and I hated that so much so I almost turned away.
I thought of that Yankee boy from the football team, whatever his name was, John, Jack?Never mind, I could always call him love and he would give me that goofy grin
of his and we would be good. He never asked too many questions, he would just give you a bear hug. He was such a good kisser and one thing would lead to another
when we were together. Soon we would be drinking, giggling and hitting the sheets. That was what I needed then; sex and that was my intention from the beginning.
I wanted to take a shower and call some body for a hard, rough sex. I didn't need to change my plans because of my stupid childhood friend and his caring attitude.
I couldn't deal with Makoto, especially not now that I was at my emotional end and barely hanging by a thread so I took my phone out and browsed through the list of
my contacts beginning with J. There he was, my John with that grin I loved so much. It was true that he liked it rough and I would be sore for the practice tomorrow but
in my current state of mind I needed a quick fix. I couldn't afford a break down and my quick fix had been rough sex for quite some time now plus he would always
make up for the fact in his own ways. I loved how he never left me to wake up alone in a cold bed and always offered to make breakfast while I took a shower or how
he would make a facetious comment or even a silly joke that would always fall flat but nevertheless made me smile for being so bad. I loved him for not pressing the
issue when I was simply not in a good mood and hence didn't want to talk which happened to be the case most of the times. I almost felt happy in his arms, sheltered,
even protected even though being with him sorta hurt as well because He reminded me so much of Makoto, of a big brother I never had. Whom I needed the most at
some point in my life and in whose stead I got a man who ruined it.
Oh no, why was I thinking of him… stop, stop Matsuoka, your current line of thinking is not healthy… for god's sake stop… stop… Focus on here and now… you're no longer a
helpless little boy plus here's not a good place to have a panic attack… so fucking stop… but how? How could I stop it, I mentally pleaded with myself or the voice of reason,
whatever that was. I could feel the tremors shaking my body…I could feel my mental walls closing in and trapping me there and then, in the memory whose stench I
could never get rid of, whose filth I could never wash away.
Suddenly John's face flashed back into my head. It was like he was trying to tell me something but I couldn't hear him say the words. I focused on his lips with tears in
my eyes desperate to find something to cling to because I couldn't fall into pieces. Not now that I was so close to my dream and with renewed resolve I could
hear him... loud and clear. He told me that he loved me and suddenly I realized why I hadn't been to John's for a week and why I was trying so bad to forget him. I
couldn't let him love me. It was a simple fact I had made peace with quite some time now: I couldn't let anyone love me. I couldn't fall in love. I couldn't feel happy. That
was why I could breathe again and I almost laughed at the gravity of my pitiful existence.
I realized that I had slipped to the floor. Maybe that was why I was so cold. I only knew one thing and it was the fact that I had to recover from my near flashback so I
wrapped my arms around my knees and lowered my head onto my arms and tried not to think about anything, not even John or how much I wanted to be loved by him
and love him back but I could never let him in because then I had to tell him about all those other warm bodies I had slept with. I had to let him know about what
happened in Australia. No, I could never do that. Even if I could, I'm damned sure he would be despising me afterwards. Who would want to love such a dirty,
deformed creature like me? Breathe Rin, just breathe … I had to focus on something to escape my dark thoughts…fuck who needed to feel real happiness? I could always
do what I was so good at: pretending. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be cool with whatever life threw at me so I focused on breathing.
I was so happy that Makoto hadn't decided to go back because there was no way in hell he could have walked passed me without noticing who I was. He had a
tendency to offer his hand to anyone hanging their heads low. But he could change his mind anytime so I tried to stand on my shaky legs, to feel normal, to set in place
my mask of not giving a shit. After a few minutes I was good to go so I just checked how I looked in the mirror to be on the safe side. You could never take chances
with Makoto. I played a loud rock song on my phone as I stuffed it into my pocket with haste and put the earphones in place and with my duffel bag over my shoulder, I
was ready to turn the corner and face Makoto.
Author's Note: I don't usually write "fan fiction", I just read and enjoy them and reading them quite often recently made me realize that in the love triangle of Rin- Haru-Makoto, Rin usually ends up alone so I'm going to give him someone he deserves this time but he should really find his own way, so enjoy the angst for now. I'd appreciate it if you could give me some feedback, even a few words totally make my day. Especially if anyone volunteers to be my editor or beta reader!
I'm sorry for the short chapter ... am writing a longer chapter ... *cheers*