What Hurt the Most.

Summary: Dan gets killed in a terrible car accident and Serena is devastated. D/S...


Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl!!

XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...XOXO...

Serena sat next to Rufus and Jenny in the waiting room of the sterile white hospital. It felt like there was an elephant sat on her chest, restricting her breathing, making it come out staggered and fearful. Rufus ran a hand through his untidy hair as they waited. They'd been waiting for the past two hours, in the same time Serena had her wrist placed in plaster, it had broken as Dan pushed her out of the way of the car. Jenny placed a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her, while at the same time knowing that she could say or do nothing to help at the moment.

"Friends and family of Daniel Humphrey" A doctor called and they hurried over to him, afraid of what they'd hear.

"I'm sorry, his injuries were extensive and traumatic, in the end we couldn't...I'm sorry" The doctor shook his head.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

The funeral had been a quiet, personal affair. Dan's family all came down, cousins that Serena had never met before all looked at her, surprised at how protective Jenny and Rufus were over her. Vanessa sat in shock, silent tears falling down he cheeks at the loss of her best friend. Alison and Rufus mourned their son and Jenny her brother. Serena felt out of place, all these people knew extensive background details of Dan, yet he'd always told her that no matter how long he'd know Vanessa, she was the person who knew most about him and who would always own his heart.

"I'm so sorry" people kept saying, over and over, as if it would make a difference, but the truth is, it didn't. At a later time you may feel thankful that people cared and were actually sorry for your loss, but at this moment in time, all that you can think about is the pain, the agony that's consuming you from head to toe, like you're being burned alive.

What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do

"It hurts so much" Serena cried into Blair's arms.

"Hey" Blair said in a hushed voice, rocking Serena backwards and forwards.

In a way she hated Dan, he'd left this world, left Serena in this state, she never stopped crying and probably would never get over him. In another way she loved him and would always be grateful, if it hadn't been for him it would have been Serena's funeral that she'd have gone too, and Eric or Nate or Dan and maybe even Chuck that she'd be comforting. Either way, Dan Humphrey was gone, and this loss had affected everyone, including Chuck.

"I feel like I'm drowning, inch by inch" Serena confessed.

"Dan loved you, more than anything and you loved him. You were each other first love, and everybody knows that you never get over you first love. He gave his life for yours because he wanted you to have a full life, and I'm not saying start right now, but he would hate to see you like this" Blair told her softly, still hugging Serena tightly, afraid if she let go it would all crumble away.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret, but I know
If I could do it over

I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart

that I left unspoken

Serena sorted out her makeup and picked up her bag, getting ready for her first day back at school, it was also Jenny's first day back, they were going together. Blair took Jenny's and Serena's hand in hers while Chuck placed a comforting and protective arm around Serena while Nate did the same to Jenny and they walked into the school gates. Eyes followed them everywhere, expecting them to crack at any moment. They split up for their classes, Jenny going one way, Chuck and Nate another while Serena and Blair headed to English Lit. Dan's favourite class.

She opened her book, which she hadn't done since Dan had died, and a piece of paper fell out into her hands, a photo attached. She recognised Dan's untidy scrawl in a instant, the same writing that she'd never get to see writing again. 'Your mum took this, thought you might like it to cheer you up in lit. I know how bored you get. Love you loads and loads, your Dan.' She looked at the picture, tears streaming down her face, the teachers words fading away into the distance. It was a picture of her and Dan curled up in each other's arms, textbooks spread around them, fast asleep.

"I'm sorry" Serena muttered, standing up and running out of the classroom.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

She cried and cried as she clutched Cedric and one of his cardigans closer to her. He'd left them at her house the last time he was over and they still smelt of him, the same subtle aftershave mixed with his natural must. It was a scent that used to drive her crazy. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't eat, she felt like being sick every time she ate anything, she couldn't think without thoughts of Dan clouding her thoughts. Her mum came into the room, silently she sat next to Serena, pulling her close to her and hugging her. She didn't need to say anything, she couldn't say anything because nothing she did would make her feel better.

"I loved him" Serena kept repeating over and over.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

"I miss you" Serena sat in front of a grave, the same grave that read 'Daniel Jonah Humphrey'.

"So Chuck and Blair are back together, no surprise there then. JL Hall had a new book out, I bought it, you'd really like it" Serena continued to talk, telling him everything that was new in her life. Things he would have been interested in if he was here.

Serena stared at the grass, she'd come here once a week, or whenever she just needed to talk to someone. He was her safe haven, he'd always had been and she knew that he probably always will be, "I love you"

Serena stood up and left the graveyard, looking over at the grave as she did she walked away. Today marked the start of a new chapter in her life, she couldn't live in the past forever, she had to move on, even if Dan would always possess her heart, he did not die so she could be an empty shell, he duded so she could live...


Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

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