I couldn't kill Albus Dumbledore. That tiny little fact has been haunting me all summer. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Why, you may ask? At first I didn't even know why. But I've had plenty of time all god damn summer to think about it. With absolutely nothing to do but just fucking sit here. So I think I know why now.
But the reason why is just so fucking stupid. I was scared, that's for sure. As pathetic as it sounds I was absolutely terrified. I've never killed anyone before. I always thought that I could. I thought it would be easy. Obviously I was wrong. But there's another, more pathetic reason why. That night, as I stood in front of him ready to kill him I realized something. I realized…this is hard to admit even now…I realized that I respected the old man in front of me. That's it. That's the fucking stupid; fucking pathetic reason I couldn't carry out the Dark Lord's orders. I realized at that moment that Albus Dumbledore was an amazing man and a remarkable wizard.
All my life all I've ever heard was bad things about Dumbledore. That Albus Dumbledore was a stupid, old, mudblood loving fool. My father says it. My mother, who agrees with my father on absolutely everything, says it. My grandma says it. When my grandpa was alive he said it. My Aunt can't stand Dumbledore, you should have heard the way she used to talk about him. So the idea that Albus Dumbledore was just a stupid old man has been embedded in my head for quite some time now.
But, once I got away from my stupid over-bearing parents, I started to form my own opinions. And come on, look at all that Dumbledore has done. He's just…cool. Oh, correction. He was cool. Now he's just dead. But when he was alive he did some pretty awesome stuff. He kicked that one guy, Grindelwald or whatever, he kicked his ass. He did all that shit with Alchemy with that one old guy, Nicholas Flamel. He discovered the twelve uses of dragon's blood. And event the Dark Lord was scared of him.
As I stood there that night ready to kill him, I realized that I couldn't kill him. I just couldn't. How could I take someone as cool as Albus Dumbledore out of the world? I just couldn't.
So fucking Snape did it. He got all the credit and he's still the Dark Lord's favorite. Bla bla bla. Who cares? Not me. Fucking Snape. He thinks he's sooo cool, playing his double agent role and soaking up the Dark Lord's attention. Newsflash buddy: I. Don't. Care. I fucking don't! So just stop telling me what to do. Snape is getting so god damn annoying lately. I used to kinda respect the guy, now I just want him to leave me the hell alone. Really. I've had to deal with his ass all summer. I think he's trying to be a substitute father or something gay like that. He should just stick to potions, because fathering just isn't his thing.
It used to really bother me that my father was in jail. But now, it's just like, whatever. At least I don't have him hovering over me all the time. Telling me what to do, what to think, what to feel. But he's always been like that. So have all the other Death Eater fathers. Theodore Nott is a clone of his father. So are Crabbe and Goyle. And Blaise Zambani is just like his mommy; she's one of the few active female Death Eaters. I used to be just like them all. Before I started to think. Now, I'm like my father in many ways, but I'm still a little different. I have my own thoughts and opinions. Like this whole respecting Dumbledore thing.
God, it's a good thing that my father is in jail. He'd beat my ass for not killing Dumbledore when I had the chance to.