A/N: The story behind this is that I made an amv about a month ago starring Kanda and Lavi and set to the tune of "If You Were Gay," from the musical Avenue Q. I just loved the complete ridiculousness of the idea so much I had to continue with it, and hence this story was born.
I do not own either D. Gray-Man or Avenue Q. They are owned by Hoshino Katsura and Robert Lopez/Jeff Marx, respectively.
Finally.
That stupid rabbit had been bugging Kanda the entire day-one of Kanda's few precious days at Headquarters in between missions. All the swordsman had wanted to do was spend some nice, solitary time eating his soba, practicing with Mugen, and meditating in peace. But no, Lavi had to follow him everywhere around Headquarters, telling Kanda "how utterly happy!" he was that his "most favorite exorcist buddy ever!" was back from his latest mission.
After Lavi had barged in on yet another one of Kanda's attempts to meditate in one of the common rooms in Headquarters, the Japanese exorcist had retreated to his own room, hoping rather foolishly that Lavi wouldn't think to look here.
When the annoying red-haired Bookman-in-training had failed to find him within fifteen minutes, Kanda ventured a sort of satisfactory half-smile and sat down in his meditative pose. At last, an afternoon alone with just him and some goddamn peace. No other exorcists-or even worse, those stupid finders-to bother him. How could it get any better than this?
That was when the door banged open.
"Yu!" Lavi fairly squealed, bounding into the room. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Go the hell away, you stupid rabbit. Can't you tell I'm busy? And don't call me by my first name."
Lavi ignored Kanda's statement and plopped himself down on the other exorcist's bed. "Yu, you'll never guess what happened to me in the cafeteria during lunch! Allen just kept smiling at me, and talking to me…."
"I don't care what that idiot beansprout was doing. Now leave me the hell alone."
"He was just being super friendly today…well, more so than usual, at least. And I know it seems really weird, because Allen's such an innocent little kid, but I think he was coming on to me. You know, he was acting like I was gay."
Kanda tried in vain to suppress a nervous cough. "Why are you telling me this shit? Why would I care about the beansprout? I don't care. Now get out of here and stop pissing me off."
"Well, Yu-chan, you don't have to get all defensive."
In one smooth movement, Kanda jumped off of the floor, grabbed Mugen, unsheathed the sword, and pointed it at Lavi's neck. "I AM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE! And don't call me by my first name!"
"Okay, okay…please don't stab the messenger."
Kanda glared at Lavi. That asshole was ruining his one quiet day alone. The red-haired exorcist really deserved a sword thrust through his neck. But after all the akuma Kanda had killed on that last mission, he wasn't quite in the stabbing mood. All he wanted to do right now was relax.
Kanda attempted to take a deep breath and sheathed Mugen. "Tch, why would I care about what the beansprout said or did? I'm trying to meditate."
"Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Yu. I just think it's something funny to talk about, you know, since we're such good friends and all."
Kanda glared at Lavi, certain that the redhead was being sarcastic. Yet when all he could find was Lavi's typical overenthusiastic smile, Kanda "tched," and growled, "Well, I don't want to talk about it." The swordsman sat down again and crossed his legs. "Now get out of my goddamn room and stop calling me by my first name. This conversation is over."
"But Yu…."
"Over!"
"Okay, okay, fine,"
Kanda closed his eyes. That should have been Lavi's cue to leave the room, yet the stupid exorcist just wasn't done.
"But just so you know, Yu," Lavi added, "I'd be okay with it if you were gay."
Kanda's eyes flashed open. "What did you just say?"
Lavi shrugged. "I'm serious. You'd be my friend either way."
"Kh. Take your stupid gay fantasies somewhere else, you retarded rabbit."
"Come on, Yu, it's not a bad thing. If it were me, I'd be fine with saying I'm gay to my bestest friend-I mean, not that I'm gay or anything."
"Get out of my room and take all this gay shit somewhere else. I'm trying to meditate."
But Lavi just wouldn't leave.
"Seriously, Yu. You're one of my best friends. I'd still be here for you even if you were queer."
"Get out of here!"
"I mean, of course you'd do the same for me…"
"Tch, I would? Think again, dumbass."
"…and be my friend even if I told you right now that I'm gay-but obviously I'm not gay. I like being your friend without benefits just fine, Yu. So whatever you want to do in bed with guys is just fine by me."
That got Kanda to lunge at Lavi once again. As he raised Mugen towards Lavi's body too close for the other's comfort, Kanda's glare intensified. He was never going to get some peace and quiet if this kept going on. "What are you, some kind of pervert?" he snarled.
"It's not perverted! It's normal!" Lavi protested, trying (and failing) to inch away from the very sharp sword. "Really, Yu, if you were gay, I'd be really supportive of you, I promise! I mean, I'd even host a coming-out party for you and all that if you wanted!"
"I would disembowel you before you'd even get to do something like that, you goddamn idiotic rabbit."
"I'd still stay your friend-but I wouldn't get in your way or anything."
That was too much for Kanda. Lavi's stomach met with a booted foot and Bookman Jr. went flying out Kanda's door. Kanda began to chase the unfortunate exorcist around the corridor, Mugen at the ready. Lavi seemed to be borderline suicidal, as he kept shouting back at Kanda.
"Yu, you can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay because you're just born that way…."
"You will not survive this day, you retarded rabbit!"
Kanda put on a burst of speed. He had to catch that asshole before all of Headquarters heard his messed-up rambling. Just as Kanda was about tackle the other exorcist, Lenalee rounded the corner-and Lavi slammed into her. Kanda ground to a halt. Lenalee was going to be pissed.
"What are you guys doing?" she demanded. "If it's not my brother's stupid inventions it's you two tearing up Headquarters! Stop acting like little kids!"
"I'm sorry, Lenalee…." Lavi apologized, giving Lenalee what Kanda thought were pretty pathetic puppy-dog eyes.
The girl sighed. "Fine, fine, Lavi. Komui wanted to talk to you about your next mission anyway, so come to his office with me." She strode off and Lavi followed her-but not before turning back to Kanda and shouting down the hallway at the top of his very capacious lungs:
"It's okay if Yu is gay!"