Bucky walked the streets in black, hood pulled up, head down, hands shoved in his pockets.
Fighting with the Avengers was good. He helped people on a scale that most could never imagine doing. But it wasn't enough. It didn't alleviate the guilt he carried from the countless acts of violence he committed as the Winter Soldier.
Most nights he had trouble sleeping. Nightmares had him reliving past missions. When he had that kind of night he took to the streets. He roamed around, looking for people causing trouble. He figured the more people he helped, the more it could offset the people he'd killed. He saved thousands at a time working with the team, but it didn't sink in. It wasn't personal. His kills had been personal. Up close. Hands on. He needed his saves to feel the same.
Over the course of five months, he lost track of how many muggings he stopped. Burglaries, beatings, vandalism. Not to mention the women he'd gotten out of bad situations. He didn't like to think what would have happened to them if he hadn't been there.
Sirens wailed in the distance. Bucky was already too late for whatever happened there. He'd leave that to the cops.
The rattle of metal froze his steps as a small potted plant crashed at his feet, and he looked up. A woman struggled to hang on to a balcony, dangling from the fifth floor. Bucky didn't waste time. He kicked off the opposite wall in the small alley and grabbed the first floor balcony, then swung himself up to hers.
Her eyes were wide as he pulled her back onto the balcony.
"You ok?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"How'd that happen?"
She motioned to a high pedestal next to the railing. "I knocked my plant over the edge and tried catch it. I guess I leaned over too far." She stared at the spot he'd come over. "How did you get up here?"
"Shortcut."
She grinned. "Well, I won't question the guy who kept me from plunging five floors. Do, uh... you want to come in for coffee or something?"
Bucky shrugged and ran a hand through his hair, his hood fallen back. "I don't want you to go through any trouble. Plus, it's late. You should get some sleep instead of falling off balconies."
"I wasn't sleeping well. And I'm really awake now. Pot's already made. I would appreciate the company."
Bucky nodded. He knew the feeling. "Sure."
She extended her hand. "Casey."
"Bucky."
She motioned to the window, but he stepped aside and let her climb in first. She motioned to the sofa.
"Cream or sugar?"
"Black is fine."
He glanced around her small apartment before he sat on the sofa. His back was to her, but he could hear her moving around the open kitchen. He let himself imagine this was his life. Home, resting, someone to care enough to make him coffee after a hard night.
She sat next to him a moment later and handed him a warm mug.
"So, what's it like working with the Avengers?"
He froze with the mug at his lips, and she smiled.
"I'm sorry. I recognize you from the news."
"And you still invited me in?"
"You saved my life."
He studied her face until she looked away.
"Sorry, I don't mean to stare."
"Then don't," she said with a chuckle.
Bucky laughed. "I guess I was just looking for signs of fear." And a flaw. She wasn't what he would call a bombshell, but she was beautiful.
"Is that what you usually get?"
"Yeah."
"Try not to take it personally. People don't get that people can honestly change. They see your past, and not your present. But if you've changed, turned your back on who you were, then your past is the past. People love to harp on past mistakes when the mistakes aren't their ow―"
Bucky kissed her, hand to the back of her head, his tongue seeking entrance, until she whimpered. He broke the kiss, and slid his hand to her face, but he didn't move away. He closed his eyes, afraid to see the fear or disgust in hers.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't think―"
The force of her kiss made him open his eyes. She was kissing him back. When she tugged his shirt up, Bucky didn't need any more encouragement. He scooped her up and walked the few feet to her bedroom between a flurry of kisses.
――――――
Bucky lay on his back staring up at the ceiling. Casey was asleep, her arm draped across his waist. A peace washed over him that he hadn't felt in years, but he squashed it. He didn't deserve peace. Not when he had so much to atone for.
But he needed this tonight. She seemed to sense that, and drew him in. He wasn't ready to leave. He turned into her and she pressed her face into his neck.
When he woke up two hours later, a hint of light filtered through the curtain. He slipped from under her arm and out of the bed. He watched her while he dressed. She seemed so peaceful. He couldn't ruin her. His life was anything but peaceful. He was far from it. The nightmares alone would wear her down, night after night.
He buried the urge to kiss her goodbye, and he climbed back out of her window. He jumped down to the ground and flipped his hoodie up as he took off running.
Back at the compound, Bucky went straight for the kitchen. He knew he wouldn't get back to sleep, and he was hungry. He looked through the fridge and found half of a leftover pizza. With two slices on a plate, he sat down as Steve walked in.
"Hey, Buck."
"Hey."
"Do anything interesting last night?"
He shrugged. "Not really."
Steve put his iPad on the table and pushed it toward Bucky.
"You sure?"
Bucky glanced at the screen and saw big bold letters: THE BLACK HOOD. A grainy picture was below, but there was no view of the person's face.
"I went to talk to you last night about a mission, and you weren't here. Then I see this. Why do I think that's you?"
"Maybe because it is."
"Damn it, Bucky. What are you doing?"
"Just trying to help people."
"They're calling you a vigilante. The cops don't like vigilantes."
"Isn't that what you are? What all of these people are?" Bucky waved his hand around.
"It's different and you know it. We were put together as a team."
"And then disbanded. Didn't quite take, though, did it?"
"Come on, man. Talk to me. What's going on?"
Bucky sighed. "I just need to help people."
"You do help people. With the team."
Bucky shook his head. "It's too vague. Too big. I need to get down in the gutter and help people."
Steve finally sat across from him. "You need to know you've helped, on a personal level."
Bucky nodded.
"I get it. I do. You just run the risk of getting into trouble on your own."
"I'm careful."
Steve pointed back to the screen. "This makes it hard to be careful. People will be watching for you now."
"I'm not stopping."
"I kind of figured. Just... tell me if things go south. Ok?"
Bucky nodded. "So, what's the mission?"
"We're going after some HYDRA members who went underground. Tony flushed them out."
"Where?"
"Germany. We leave at noon."
――――――
The three week mission did nothing to keep Casey from Bucky's mind. Every spare moment he had, his mind drifted back to her and their night together.
As the sun went down his first day back in the States, he hopped on his motorcycle with no destination in mind, but he ended up at Casey's building. He tucked the bike away beneath her fire escape, and counted the windows to hers from the street.
The nerves that wracked his brain were almost foreign to him. No woman ever had that affect on him.
He knocked, part of him hoping she wasn't home until she opened the door and he saw her face.
"Bucky?"
"Hi."
She stepped aside and waved him in. Once the door was closed, anything he wanted to say to her went out of his mind. He put a hand to her face and leaned in, giving her time to stop him if she wanted to. Instead, she leaned up on her toes and met his lips with hers.
Casey clutched the lapels of the button-down shirt that Bucky wore open over a plain black t-shirt, and pulled him toward the sofa. He lay her down and nestled a thigh between her legs, drawing a moan from her.
"Where've you been?" She slid her hands under his shirt.
"Out of the country." He trailed kisses down her neck.
"I thought maybe you regretted that night."
Bucky stared down into her eyes and took her chin between his thumb and forefinger.
"Not a chance, doll."
Casey smiled. "You remember the way to the bedroom?"
Bucky grinned. Casey yelped as he lifted her over his shoulder and carried her to the bedroom.
――――――
Bucky brushed his lips over Casey's face as their breathing slowed. She swept the hair from his eyes and caressed his cheek.
"I honestly never expected to see you again."
"You thought I wouldn't come back?"
"I woke up and you were gone. The apartment was locked up like no one had been here."
Bucky grinned. "I didn't want to leave your door unlocked, so I climbed back out the window and closed it."
"I was starting to think I dreamed the whole thing."
"You saying you dream about me?"
"I didn't before that night."
Bucky's grin faded. He ran his fingers through her hair, and sighed.
"I thought about you the whole time I was gone."
"Why did you leave that way?"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"Then don't."
"It's not that simple. My life..."
"Is complicated."
"It's more than that. What I am..."
"What you were?"
Bucky sighed and pressed his forehead to hers. "This is why I shouldn't be here. You're so good."
"So are you."
"I'm not."
"You help people."
"You don't know what I've done."
"You're right. I don't. But I know what you do. You're with the Avengers. You save dorks who end up dangling from their balconies."
Casey smiled, and Bucky laughed. She trailed her fingers along his smile.
"You're beautiful," she whispered.
"I'm broken."
"That's okay. You can be both."
Bucky rolled her onto her back as he kissed her. His hand trailed down her side to her hip and he gave a firm squeeze. Casey pulled out of the kiss.
"Bucky?"
"Yeah?"
"Whatever this is between us, can you promise not to leave again without saying goodbye?"
"What if you're asleep?"
"Wake me up."
He brushed his thumb over her cheek. "I promise."
――――――
Bucky was still awake when four a.m. rolled around. Holding Casey in his arms felt so right that it terrified him. He couldn't bring her into his life.
He slipped out of bed and dressed, and was on his way to the window when he remembered his promise.
Bucky kissed Casey's forehead and whispered her name until she came around.
"What time is it?"
"A little after four."
"You can't stay?"
Bucky shook his head. Casey got up and put on her robe to walk him to the door.
"Will I see you again?"
Bucky caressed her face. "I don't know."
"Well... I'm here. Just know that."
Bucky leaned in to kiss her, but stopped just before their lips touched. He pressed his forehead to hers and sighed.
"Goodbye."
She said goodbye as he left, but he didn't turn back.
――――――
The punching bag was taking a beating under Bucky's assault.
"Keep it up and you'll punch a hole right through that thing," Steve said. "Trust me."
Bucky dropped his hands to his sides.
"Bad night?"
"Depends on how you look at it," Bucky said.
"How do you look at it?"
Bucky shrugged. "It wasn't all bad."
"Anything I should know?"
"Nothing that would affect the team."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
Bucky grabbed a towel and tugged it around his neck. "Since you've been back... have you been interested in anyone?"
"You mean romantically?"
Bucky nodded.
"Yeah, I guess."
"You do anything about it?"
"No, not really. I mean, there was Sharon, but that didn't go anywhere. There have been a couple others... same thing. Why?"
"Before we went to Germany, I saved someone."
"Something serious?"
"She slipped off her balcony. She invited me in after and we talked a minute, and..."
"You were Bucky."
He laughed. "Yeah. I left before she woke up."
"Is she why you've been distracted?"
"You could see it?"
"Yeah. I didn't bring it up because it didn't interfere with the mission, and I figured you'd talk about it if you wanted to."
Bucky nodded and walked to a nearby bench. "Yeah, well, I went and saw her last night."
"And?"
"I like her, man." He sat with his face in his hands.
"That's not a bad thing, Buck."
"Yeah, it is. You know what I am."
"Does she?"
Bucky nodded.
"And she still wanted to be with you. You know why? 'Cause that's not who you are anymore."
Bucky shook his head. "She said the same thing."
"Sounds like a smart girl."
Bucky glared at Steve, but they both chuckled.
"You going to see her again?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to?"
Bucky nodded.
"Does she want to?"
"I think so. But she doesn't know how messed up I am."
Steve sat next to Bucky and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Then let her get to know you. But let me tell you this... it's not so much that she needs to see how messed up you are, but you need to see that you're not as bad as you think. You have to forgive yourself, Buck."
"I'm trying."
――――――
Bucky knocked on her door with his metal hand. The slice across his flesh knuckles hurt more than he expected.
Casey's welcoming smile slipped as she took in his appearance. His jacket had been cut in several places. He hadn't seen his face, but he knew he had a couple of cuts.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
She pulled him inside and onto the couch.
"What happened?"
"The guy had a knife. Was pretty good with it, too."
"Um, no offense, but aren't you supposed to be a super soldier?"
A tired grin pulled at his lips. "I try not to use that against people."
Casey scooted closer to him and brushed the hair from his face. She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, below a cut on his cheek, but he stopped her when her hand skimmed over his thigh.
"Can we just talk?"
"Why? So you can prove to me that we can't be together?"
Bucky lowered his eyes.
"You think I don't know where this is headed? The way you leave before the sun comes up? You didn't wake me up last week until you were dressed and ready to leave. Something tells me if I hadn't asked you to say goodbye you would have just left again, like the first night."
"I don't deserve you."
"Shouldn't I be the judge of that?"
"Not when you don't have all the details."
"Then tell me."
Bucky looked away.
"You know what I know?" Casey said. "I've lived here for five years by myself, and I have never felt alone. The night I met you... that was a great night, but when I woke up, and you were gone, I felt alone."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not. Bucky... I know we don't know each other well. Most of what I know about you I learned from the news or the museum," she took his hand, careful to avoid the cuts, "but there's something between us."
"There shouldn't be."
"Is that really what you want? Because I want to try this."
Bucky stared at her hand on his, and sighed.
"I haven't slept more than two hours in the last three days. I'm good with a day. I'm even okay with two. But three days is pushing it. I'm tired."
Casey ran her fingers through his hair, and Bucky leaned into it.
"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I have nightmares of the things I've done. Things that I only remember in my subconscious."
"You get those a lot?"
Bucky nodded.
"You ever try talking to someone about them?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."
"Okay... do you want to tell me?"
"No."
His answer was so forceful that she flinched.
"Sorry."
"It's okay," she said. "What do you want to talk about?"
He stared at her for a moment, his eyes roaming over her face. He wanted to memorize every detail so that maybe, just maybe, her face could chase away the nightmares.
"Where do you work?"
She smiled. "At the museum. I give tours. That's how I learned all about Captain America and the Howling Commandos."
"I rediscovered myself at a museum."
"That must have been strange."
"Yeah."
"To see what a good person you are when you can't even begin to think that about yourself..."
Bucky shook his head. "Don't do that."
"Do what? Remind you that you're a good person?"
Bucky took her face in his hands and kissed her, then pressed his forehead to hers.
"Your heart is so pure and good. I'll wreck it."
"You have a good heart."
"It's dark."
"I don't believe that."
Bucky wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap. He kissed her a while, then carried her into the bedroom.
――――――
It took a while for Casey to fall asleep. She kept asking Bucky questions, or talking about things in her life. He knew she was worried he would leave. He knew that if he did, he couldn't come back. It wasn't fair to her.
He stayed until almost five in the morning, then slipped from the bed. After he dressed, he stood over her, just watching her breath, then he leaned over to kiss her cheek.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
He slipped out of her window and down to his bike. As soon as he hit the highway he gunned it. When she woke up she would be hurt, but it would pass. It wouldn't be like the pain of dealing with his struggles every day. The nightmares, the depression... redemption was the only thing that kept him moving forward. It also kept him out all night, most nights.
The sun was finally up, and the air was unusually warm as it beat against his face.
He took a turn at seventy miles per hour, and a driver in the oncoming lane laid on his horn. The sound pulled Bucky out of his thoughts just in time to see that the turn gave a sudden curve, and he was going too fast to stop.
The bike slid off the road and over a cliff with Bucky still in the seat. He let go, knowing the bike would likely explode when it hit the ground. The fall felt like slow motion, but he hit the side of the cliff all too soon, and tumbled to the bottom.
He tried to move his legs, but the pain shot through him. His right arm was broken. He'd protected his head as best as he could, but the warm wetness dripping down his face as he lifted his head told him he was bleeding. His metal arm was dented, but mostly unharmed.
The motorcycle lay engulfed in flames a couple of feet away. The heat was so intense that Bucky almost felt he were in the fire himself.
He reached into his pocket, silently praying that the cell Steve made him carry wasn't broken. The large cracks across the screen didn't stop him from trying. He hit Steve's number, and held his breath until he heard the first ring.
"Buck? What's up?"
"Things went south."
"Where are you?"
"Bottom of a cliff. Ambulance... helicopter... something."
His voice trailed, and darkness took him.
――――――
Bucky panicked. The voices around him were garbled. Was he drowning? Was he deaf? Why couldn't he see?
He focused on one voice. It sounded like Steve. And a beeping sound. He wanted to move, but he couldn't. Then he realized he couldn't see because his eyes were closed. He put all his focus on opening his eyes, but could only get them to flutter. He tried again.
"Hang on." That was definitely Steve. "I think he may be waking up."
Bucky moved his right arm only to find it restricted.
"Whoa, Buck, take it easy. Your arm's in a cast."
"Casey," Bucky whispered.
Steve said something, but the sound faded into darkness.
When he finally opened his eyes, there was just a hint of light through the window. He glanced around. He was in a hospital. Why? He had a vague memory of Steve telling him his arm was in a cast, but it wasn't. He moved his hands and feet. All seemed fine, just sore.
Movement on the small sofa in the corner caught his eye, and the memory of what happened came rushing back. The fall, the pain, and the reason he missed the curve in the road.
Casey was asleep on the sofa. He called her name, but his voice sounded like it was being dragged over gravel. He called again, and she stirred.
"Bucky?"
"What are you—"
She jumped to her feet. "No, save your voice. I'll get the doctor."
Half an hour later, the doctor finished examining Bucky, and Steve arrived.
"How you feeling, pal?"
"Like I fell off a cliff."
"Yeah, well, any normal person would be dead right now. What happened?"
"I was going too fast. Missed the curve." He stared down at his arm. "I thought you said I was wearing a cast?"
"You remember that?"
"Yeah. Where's the cast?"
"Buck, that was two weeks ago. You've been in and out of consciousness for a month."
"That bad?"
"That bad. You had us worried."
"Us?"
"Casey."
"Right. What's she even doing here? How did she know?"
"You said her name a few times when you were conscious."
"I did?"
Steve nodded. "I tracked her down with the GPS on your phone."
"You shouldn't have done that."
"Buck, she's been by your side every night for two weeks. She cares about you."
"I know she does. Steve, I walked out on her that morning. I didn't plan on going back."
"Well, your subconscious didn't seem to agree with that decision. Don't toss her aside, Buck. It's hard find people who care." Steve walked to the door. "I'll send her in to see you."
Casey seemed hesitant when she came into the room. She leaned against the door after she closed it.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Hey. I hear you've been here every night."
"I was worried about you."
"Casey, I don't understand why you care. Especially after the way I left."
"I won't lie. I was hurt when I woke up and you were gone. I spent two weeks being angry and hurt."
"I'm sorry."
"But when Steve called and told me what happened, none of that mattered. I needed you to be okay."
"Why?"
Casey walked over to his bed and gripped the side. "I could just smack you. I care about you, you jerk."
A tear slipped down her cheek, but she wiped it away.
"I know you do."
"Then why can't you get it through that thick skull. That's how it works when you care about someone. You drop everything. You make sure they're okay. You take care of them."
"Even after—"
"Yes, you idiot, even after the way you left."
Bucky brushed another tear from her face.
"I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that."
"It's true."
"Bucky—"
"You don't know my past. Not really. I'm damned for the things I've done, but I figure maybe I can make up for some of it. That's what I was doing the night we met."
"What do you mean?"
"The Black Hood."
"That's you? I should have known."
"I need you to know, because you need to realize that a life with me is not stable. The Avengers, The Hood, the nightmares... I barely sleep, and I'm not always home, and my moods aren't always great." He took her hand in his. "It took me being so distracted by thoughts of you that I drove off a cliff to realize that I can't stay away. I would have come back, and I would have hurt you again."
"Bucky—"
"But I don't want to. Casey, I want to be with you, damned or not. So, the choice is yours. If you can handle me, including my past, then I want to give us a try."
Casey laughed, and kissed him. He pulled her closer with a hand to the back of her head.
"I'm sorry I hurt you."
"It's in the past." She brushed the hair from his face, and stroked his jaw with her thumb. "It's nice to see you in the daylight."
Bucky smiled. "The light's wherever you are."