(Whew...sorry for the super long wait y'all! But I'm back again with a new fic. Now this is for the BlazBlue crowd, and it was inspired by me getting cyber bladed to death for the ohh...one thousandth or so time by Nu, I've grown to despising her for the hellish amount of long range, mid-range and short range of ass kicking she gave me to just about everyone I've fought her as. Ragna was the big one since he seems to fair very badly against her in both canon and my hands. So without further ranting against that super cheap bitch-er..yeah, I present, BlazBlue: WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF NU!)
Me: Tao! If you'll do the disclaimer please..
Taokaka: The author of this work does not own the series of BlazBlue or any of it's characters, and we of the BlazBlue Crowd acknowledge this. We belong entirely to AKSYS Games and Arc System works. This is a work of fiction about fiction, and should not be taken seriously by any people who might find this insulting. It is a work of Parody and as such has no place on the actual storyline or characters who might be involved. Meow and my fellow BlazBlue cast members hope you enjoy and laugh at this particular work of fiction...except for the flappy flap thingy person.
Me:..Uh..that was..pretty good Tao.
Litchi: Um..yeah..it was.
Taokaka: Hehe...welll...I might've peeked at the script once..or twice..or three times..
Me and Litchi: Sigh...
With a grunt of irritation, Ragna the Bloodedge spat out some blood as he looked at the psychotically smiling cyborg Nu as that annoying accented woman called her. She looked at him with a crazy smile as she licks some of his blood off her weird floating swords with a giggle," Hehehahahaha! What's the matter Ragna? I JUST WANTED TO HUG YOU AND BECOME ONE WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU SOOOO SAD!"
He just glares at her as he grips his sword and pushes himself off the ground, where three massive cyber swords take turns impaling and crushing him for the sixth time in a row," RAGNA LOSE!" The annoying announcer lady says as he looks pissed off," WHAT THE HELL! I DIDN'T EVEN DIE!" He yells out as it just ignores him.
At last, after eating the squeaky clean floor for the eight hundredth time, Ragna finally has enough; he pulls out a cell-phone and dials a number as a cool and collected voice answers him," Yes, you have reached the telephone of the Alucard family, how may I help you?"
"Hey Old bastard, put the damned Rabbit on." "I beg your purdon-!" The phone is snatched from the butler of the Alucard family, Valkenhayn as a rather calm young female voice replaces his,
" Hello Mister Grim Reaper, how may I help you today?"
"Rabbit...fuck...I need your help with somethin'..."
Rachel Alucard raises her eyebrow as she hadn't heard Ragna ask for her help once, not since she took of his blood that is; before he know what she truly was." Yes? I am listening Ragna."
" Urgh..Rachel, call everyone you can and who you have a connection with...I need a favor, and a big one."
"Hm..what shall be in it for me Ragna? I don't do these sorts of things for just anyone you know."
"..rgh...you help me out Ra..Rachel, and I'll give you as much of my blood as you want."
Her eyebrows go up now as she has to control her urge to drool, she despised herself for drinking his blood, but at the same time lusted for more of it as she had never drank such a delicacy before; she gulps in a barely heard breath as she answers him," You..you do know what you are offering, correct Ragna? I could very well drain you half to death, and then where would your little quest be?"
"..Rab..Rachel, I don't care...Just do it! Please..."
" Very well...I'll call as many of your little friends and enemies as I can."
All the while, Ragna as he talked to Rachel, he was playing a game of," Dodge The Cyber Pointy Death Weapons While a Sociopathic Cyborg Chick Laughs." Fun game, sadly it's a rather one sided affair with the penalty of loss equals death by fusion inside of a huge mana melting pot with said Cyborg
A home-phone rings loudly as a beautiful young woman of Chinese ethnicity means to answer it, but a sudden hyperactive blur grabs it before she can," BOOBIE LADY'S HOME, HOW CAN TAO HELP YOU?"
" Yes, I'd like to enlist your aid with a matter that is most urgent Taokaka."
"Huh?"
" Sigh...The Nice guy needs your help and is offering you free food."
" NICE GUY NEEDS MY HELP! BOOBIE LADY WE'VE GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!"
"Wha..Tao? WAIT, PUT ME DOWN!" The beautiful female yells as the catlike blur carries her away rapidly.
A cell-phone rings as a young boy in a top-hat,glasses and cape answers it politely, a weird doll like woman is busy hugging him," Yes, this is Carl Clover, the up and coming vigilante of Kagatsuchi. How may I help you?"
"Yes little boy, I have infomation regarding a dangerous criminal, head to these cordinates.."
"Sis! You hear that? We've gotta go now!"
The boy says urgently as the emotionless doll strangely looks upset as a metal tick mark appears on it's face and it's silvery eyes turn red, but the doll grabs him and jumps off none the less as the boy directs it.
A business phone rings, as a handsome blond haired man is praying to a huge poster of Ragna's face," Big Brother..I Will make you proud of me, I will be the one to save you from yourself, and I will be the one to ravage you when I have broken your spirit and mind.."
He looks up irritably as the phone continues to ring, he answers it with a scowl," Yes, who the hell is it and what do you want?"
"Hero, your precious Big Brother wishes for your aid."
"WHAT! WHERE IS HE?"
"He is in this area..."
The voice tells him as he grabs a katana and his coat, then runs out as a young girl in a beret walks in with a tray of tea and biscuits," Sir..? I made you some Green Tea and sugared honey dipped biscuits..."
She states weakly, until he smashs the tray from her grip and yells at her," SHUT UP AND GRAB YOUR GUNS NOEL!"
"Bu..but Si..r.."
"SHUT UP AND DO IT!"
"R..ROGER!"
They run out together as Noel glares weakly at Jin's back, upset that once again when she tried to do something nice for him he just acted like a jerk to her.
A cell rings as a man with an X like scar on his face kicks the crap out of a huge dummy made to look like a man with a spiked haircut and yellow shades on" HIYAH! BANG'S MAGNIFICENT ULTIMATE KICK! TAKE THAT YOU RED DEVIL! HOW DARE YOU MISTREAT MY GODDESS! Hm? YES! THIS IS BANG SHISHIGAMI, THE PROTECTOR OF LOVE, HOPE AND JUSTICE! HOW MAY I, THE HERO OF KAGATSUCHI HELP YOU?"
"A dangerous Criminal is wreacking havoc in this area..go there and fight alongside these fellow seekers of justice.."
"HAH! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT THIS TIME, SO I, BANG SHISHIGAMI SHALL HELP THEM AT YOUR REQUEST MY FAIR YOUNG MAIDEN! REST YOUR TREMBLING HEART AS I WILL FIGHT ALONGSIDE THEM TO HELP BRING JUSTICE TO THIS CRIMINAL!"
The man runs out and jumps heroically through a window as bright lights flash around him.
He falls down four stories before he crosses his arm's with a serious look in mid-fall," Hm. I knew I was up high..but to fall this far without even thinking..Truly I am absent minded today."
With a loud crash as he falls through a bunch of hanging clothes, then onto a bouncy umbrella stand and finally a landing on a huge cart full of fruit, Bang Shishigami, clad in a frilly pink dress, a cute sun-hat and high heel's walks out of it covered in fruit juice stains.
Despite this humiliating appearance, his loyal people and fellow survivors of the Ikaruga tragedy cheer him on as he goes to do battle with whatever evil awaits him. But beware! For with a punch and a kick of flaming power and justice, Bang Shishgami will save the Day!
A filthy cell phone rings inside of a black pile of goo, a mask with three small black dots forming it's eyes and mouth reachs into the slime and grabs the cell phone before answering it slowly," Ello ow ay I Arne elp ou?"
"Greetings you disgusting insect, go to this area at once."
"Ery ell 'll o."
The slime ball puts the phone back into it's body, then disappears into the ground before reappear on a higher area then before, it slithers all about over rotten pipes and through all manner of distasteful filth; multitudes of insects join it in it's movement, going inside of it's body like so many tiny soldiers would a battle ship or carrying plane.
A head-set rings as a massive red demonlike man answers it calmly," Yes? Who is this and how may I help you? Oh, and how did you ever obtain this number? I was unaware that my frequency could be contacted by normal phones.."
"Hello Mister Red Devil, I require your assistance and I would much appreciate it if you would oblige me."\
"What...?"
The man asks in confusion, until he gets another call, he answers it and grits his teeth in pain as a very loud and pissed off female voice yells at him,
"TAGER! GET YOUR MASSIVE ASS TO WHEREVER RACHEL TELLS YOU TO GO!"
"Wha..? But Kokonoe..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO AS I SAY TAGER! OR YOUR ASS IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL YEARS! GOT ME?"
"...Yes. Understood Kokonoe..."
He sighed to himself as he answers Rachel who was waiting rather patiently,
"Where do I go?"
"Head towards these coordinates and do try to move a little faster then you normally do."
She hangs up as he sighed again, but lumbers off anyway.
A rather old fashioned cell-phone rings, it was one of those old ones from the nineties, an armored hand picks it up from it's place by it's owners side, a distorted and cold voice answers it,
"Who are you? And how have you gained knowledge of this number?"
"Hello Harlequin, you will obey me and do as I say."
"...Hmph, I suppose that you will force me to obey then Vampire?"
" That is correct Harlequin, now go."
Rachel orders Hakumen off, he just growls to himself silently as he sets down the cell-phone and moves off slowly.
All of the people Rachel contacted arrive exactly at the place she told them to, namely the deep catacomb's underneath their city, Rachel had purposely given them all slightly differing coordinates, so they'd arrive without meeting the other's.
Jin Kisaragi is the first to arrive with his ever present lieutenant Noel Vermillion, Jin walks in with a cold expression as Noel carries her gun's, Bolverk in her hand's. They look around until a loud pained yell is heard," AAGHHH! GOD DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!" "RAGNA...LOSE!" "HEEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW I'M TIRED RAGNA! I want to melt together with you..Forever...Our bodies as one, pierced together as we make love forever and ever...Ohh..it's a dream come true...our blood and juices mixing as we lie in a bed of eternal peace..."
Jin had heard all he could, No one, and he meant NO ONE could make love with Ragna except him! "BROTHER! WHO IS TRYING TO STEAL WHAT IS MINE?"
He rushes into the chamber as Nu stops, she had Ragna in her arms and was about to impale herself and him with a massive sword, she had her hands ripping apart his pants while her armor's lower crotch slides apart...Jin sees red as his eyes glow an unholy crimson.
"BROOOOOOOTHHHHERRRR! STAYYY AWAY FROM MY BROTHERRRR! ARTIC DAGGER!"
He screams as his slices his Katana, Yukianasa out, a huge shockwave made of ice shoots out and blasts Nu away from Ragna, she gets up slowly as a long white trail of ice leads up to her. Jin rushes at her as she creates a bunch of her cyber blades, until Jin freezes them with his sword, Noel spares a brief glance at Ragna with a dark blush as she observes his ripped pants, a pair of black boxers shown through them. He glares at her as she blushes even more.
"Ptoo." He spits out some blood and glares darkly at her face.
"You're a real pervert girl, stop starin' at my crotch dammit!" He says angrily as he looks at her face some more, his eyes taking in her features as they widen.
"S...saya...?" He asks in shock as she shakes her head and then looks at Jin as he fights Nu," MAJOR KISIRAGI! Stay right there Ragna the Bloodedge, after this fight, you are under arrest!"
She says as she runs at Nu with her guns opening fire, two gun like symbols appear in the air as an explosion blasts Nu away, she gets up with ice and smudge marks on her body," You cannot defeat m...URK!"
She says emotionlessly, until a streak of teeth, fangs and hyperactive speed runs into her, she suddenly appears in a field of flowers, with fish, meat, and tons of food flying in the air behind her, Taokaka appears as her eyes glow red and her claws pop out," I CANNOT FORGIVE THOSE WHO HURT GOOD GUY!"
She says, as she then teleports around the field in a blur of speed, smashing Nu into the air again and again as her claws rip long tears into the Cyborg's armor, she finally appears in the air as she blurs down and through Nu with her claws," THIS IS FOR THAT TUNA!"
Nu drops down as suddenly a black glop appears from, the ground, it morphs into a strange mouth as a puff of noxious purple gas blasts into her face," Ou st ie azre azre azre...!" it cackles suddenly as it turns into a massive spider which moves under Nu with a huge amount of insects that form into a purple beam, Nu flies through the air as more insects slam into her rapidly.
Litchi runs into the room as her rod spins out and slams into Nu, with a flip, she kicks off of the rod and smashes her leg into Nu's chest, unaware that she gave Ragna and every other male a nice flash of her modest white panties, Litchi wasn't a whore after all, Litchi pummels the psychopathic doll with a string of martial arts combo's, before she spins into a flip kick which knocks Nu away.
By now the robotic girl was feeling the pain, as her armor was showing numerous cracks, her visor was almost completely destroyed as she is smashed by a powerful burning fist, Bang has manly tears running down his eyes as he kicks Nu into the air, he jumps up and flings a bunch of Nails into her as he sobs loudly," MISS LITCHI! WHY DO YOU FEEL FOR THAT..THAT VILLAIN MORE THEN I? BANG'S SORROWFUL KICK OF FLAMING DESPAIR!"
He cries as Litchi had accidentally tripped on some ice Jin left around, and Ragna had caught her and steadied her, much to the beautiful doctor's embarrassment.
As Nu gets up slowly, a sudden bolt of electrical energy hits her, she flies up as Tager stands to attention, his right fist morphs as four long plates pop out of the sides, with a charge of magnetic energy, she zooms into it, he grips her tightly then does a perfect throw into the ground. She's dragged through it before he tosses her away with a grimace.
A white form appears in her dazed vision, before a huge Katana is unsheathed," I am the White Void. I am the.." he begins to say, before his cellphone crackles loudly, having turned it to speaker phone on Rachel's orders.
"Oh, do get on with it Harlequin. Your theatrics do bore me oh so much."
"Vampire...!"
He growls in response, but obeys as his sword slices into Nu's body with a metallic clang, he grabs her by her hair and swings her about wildly, with a neat kick, he knees her in the face before with a look of contempt, his sword glows and he lets loose a huge blue shockwave of energy.
She flies into the floor with a cough of pain, while getting up slowly, a shadow appears above her. With a tired look, she sees a female doll like being towering above her with blood red eyes.
The doll grabs her by her neck, then starts a long string of blows as the doll's eyes glow madly, it thinks to itself with an angry huff.
"Damn you bitch! You interrupted my time with MY Carl! It was our special time! My beloved Master was HUGGING ME! WE WERE CUDDLING! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS CRIME!" It grabs her by her hair and tosses her into a huge spinning gear, Carl spins his cape with a flourish as Nirvana AKA Eda his beloved older sister starts knocking Nu back and forth into the gear, playing robot ping-pong with it as a sadistic expression or as close to one appears on the expressionless face.
Ragna by this time had all healed up, he runs forward with his massive sword glowing with dark energy," THIS IS FUCKIN' PAYBACK FOR ALL THAT SHIT YOU PUT ME THROUGH BITCH! JUST GO TO HELL AND NEVER FUCKIN' COME BACK! DEAD SPIKE!"
He yells angrily as Nu gets hit by a glowing beastly head, she flies out of the Cauldron chamber and breaks through the walls of the huge chamber, she becomes a tiny twinkling star in the distance as she screams angrily," I'LL BE BACK! TEAM RAGNALOVE IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"
"Ting!" Her star disappears as Ragna sighs in relief," Whew..fuckin' hell...that was tough..."
He rubs his forehead with a pant, until with a yell, Taokaka barrels into him while licking his face happily," Purrrraawwwaaarrr! Goodguy's safe! Taokaka is happy! Rarrpurraarrrr! Nyow Tao can have his yummy fish sausage and meatballs!"
"T..TAO! did you learn such language?" Litchi yells out with a huge blush, she was no stranger to sexual attraction, many of her costumers were young,healthy men that had a crush on the beautiful doctor after all. But she never entertained ideas that Tao knew anything other then food, fighting and sleeping.
"What's the matter Boobie Lady? Tao's a big cat nyow! The Elder said so! So Tao wants to see what that thing...'Sex' was! Tao heard that a man's thingy is called his 'Meatrod and Balls' so she wanted to see if she could eat it!"
"H..HEY! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME TAO! Jeez..you've got a dirty mouth." Ragna yells as he pushes Tao off of him, she jumps back on him as he growls angrily to himself.
A dark portal opens up, with rose petals flying out of it as Rachel looks amused by this display," Ragna, your first time belongs to me, I'll my fun out of you at any rate, we had a deal, did we not?"
"Y..YEAH! But it was for MY Blood Rabbit!"
"A man's Penis, I believe, will erect and become hard when blood flow is directed to it, is that not true? We agreed on blood, but I did not say if I would drink it or not. Remember Ragna, Loopholes are extremely easy to find for the prepared and intelligent."
"...F..fuck...me..."
" I believe that is what I'll be doing. Although in not as crude terms as you put them I believe."
As they talk, a green haired man in a suit, hat and tie laughs insanely," AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Hello shit..head's?"
He laughs as he thinks his plan of getting the true power of the Azure Grimoire would happen without a hitch, unaware that Rachel had personally dismantled Take-Mizazuchi while exploiting a loophole in the rule of," Immortals may no interfere in the affairs of mortals" the loophole was that when in a direct deal with a mortal being, an immortal may interfere with said affairs as long as it pertains to the deal involved, the Satan clause as it was known.
Aptly named for the legendary betrayer of heaven and the current Ruler of Hell, demon's were well known for their ability to slither through rules, and this one was no exception.
So Rachel kicked the Nox Nyctores butt and sent it's pieces on a one-way visit to the sun, Terumi, unaware of all of this, laughs madly until he sees everyone present.
A long silence occurs, as everyone draws their weapons while Rachel uses Gii to create her lightening rods,"..Oh...Fuck."
Is all the ghost gets out before an unholy ass kicking is granted to him.
Nu crash lands into a huge crater, slowly getting up as her eyes glow red," Hehehehehahaha...! I'll be back Ragna..My love! AHAHAHAHAHAHA..." "KRAKOOM!"
She laughs insanely until a huge lightening bolt fries her. With a dizzy moan, she falls back with swirly marks replacing her eyes.
( AND DONE! Whew, sorry it took so long to get this out, but like I said in my one shot"Aizen Wants the shiny thing," my computer doesn't like 's document system, so just as I was busy finishing this up and getting ready to upload it, my computer just fucked over this document and made me lose all of my progress. Thus forcing me to rewrite it all. The whole RagnaXHarem thing was inspired by the "Melancholy of Ragna the Bloodedge." A great crossover fanfiction that is WAYYY better then this fic, but hey, I tried my best. And for all those who wanna flame me and bitch at how I didn't do anything right and made no sense, remember what Taokaka said, and that is all I need to say. I did this for fun, not profit, and this was me getting my revenge on Nu for all of the crap her A.I put me though when I fought her. Well, this was the Master of Pages, over and out!)