haha. I like the thing about the kings son. its good though. keep writing!
Funny, but the reason I posted was because his name is spelled "Faramir."
Sorry, I'm a big Tolkien fan and little things like this tend to get on my nerves.
I love, love, Love, LOVE it not to mention I want MORE!
Chuckle, chuckle! I like the bit with "Can you see the bottom?" 'I can see yours."
I likes a good parody, I does!
wow! haha, this is great Dagvar! Got a good laugh out of this one. haha, can't wait for more!
Very funny Can't wait for some more!
Got a bigger laugh that time keep writing!
Funny, Dagvar!
Highly Clever!
Oh my gosh this is hysterical! Once again you write well! Post more soon!
Signed,
The One and Only Shasta
Very exciting! Can't wait for more!
Haha, I love the ciggaretts!
More, more (did you spell their names wrong on purpose?)
getting better and better! post more!
It is definatly getting better Post more soon!
It's sooooo good.
Signed,
The One and Only Shasta
Very funny Is there any more or are you just going to leave it there?
Funny, Christian!
Halarious I love the switch from 'home' to 'Rosy', that got the biggest laugh! Oh, I hope you write soon, I can't promise that I won't go insane if you don't but I'll do my best
I totally love it *pouts* though I wish you'd post more, at least till the hobbits are seperated or something. That way Sam and Pippin could fight the whole time.
Oh! More is up.
Signed,
The One and Only Shasta
haha, love it Dagvar! yeah, i agree one of the best was "Rosy" in place of "home". is that the end then?
Good ending though you left me hanging for, well, long enough! But I forgive you, I wasn't able to get on for the past couple days either so I understand.
A jolly good chuckle. Inspired by the movie rather than the book, I'd say. Am I right?
Prince Caspian~ King of Comical Narnia
(The sky is dark. The scene appears on Miraz's castle where the clouds cover the moon. Inside the castle is his wife giving birth. The midwives are getting stuff prepared for the coming baby or babies.)
Midwife 1 to Servant Girl 1: Get me a towel!
Miraz's Wife: I'm in great pain right now!
Midwife 1: Now calm down your majesty. I was asking another person to get me a towel.
(Miraz's Wife explodes.)
Miraz's Wife: Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down? I've probably giving birth to Bill Clinton! Or who knows? Hillary Clinton! Get my lawyer! Get my secretary!
Servant Girl 1: Mistress. I have a towel and a hair dryer at your service.
(Miraz's Wife squints at the servant girl and retains her explosion of anger.)
Miraz's Wife to Servant Girl 1: All things are at my disposal!
(Meanwhile, Miraz is looking out of a window and looking at the stars. General\Lord Glozzel comes into the room that Miraz is in. He then stands still and clears his throat to catch Miraz's attention. Miraz sighs.)
Glozzel: Lord Miraz, you have a baby.
Miraz: What kind is it?
Glozzel: Human my lord.
Miraz: I know it is you ape. I was asking is it male or female?
Glozzel: It's a girl.
(Miraz sighs and stamps his foot against the floor. He then turns around to face Glozzel.)
Miraz: Impossible! I didn't order for a girl! I've watched the stars since New Year's Day…
Glozzel mumbles: Which was just yesterday.
Miraz: And found that the heavens and gods promised me a baby boy! The heavens have cursed us!
Glozzel: His majesty's lady gave birth also to a boy.
(Miraz stops being angry and calms himself. He then smiles at Glozzel.)
Miraz: Good! You know your orders. Kill the prince.
Glozzel in confusion: My lord?
Miraz: Yes. What is it?
Glozzel: Are you sure my lord?
Miraz: Sure about what?
Glozzel: To kill the prince of the Telmarine Kingdom?
Miraz: I am always sure, captain.
Glozzel: I'm a general and lord, my liege.
(Miraz rolls his eyes and with a motion of his hand bades Glozzel to go away. A few minutes later, cursing and shouting of defenses for someone comes down from the hallway. And in the room that Miraz is in, comes in Glozzel holding Miraz's newborn son who is crying very loud. And behind him is a crowd of midwives and servant girls pleading to Glozzel to release the baby and let him live. Miraz's eyes grow wide.)
Glozzel to Midwives and Servantgirls: I'm sorry me ladies. But your's and my king bade me to kill his son.
Miraz to Glozzel: You fool! I could have you hanged for this!
Glozzel mumbles: I know that sire.
Miraz: I didn't want you to kill my son!
Glozzel: But you told me to kill the Prince.
Miraz: I wanted you to kill my brother's son! Prince Caspian the X!
(Glozzel nods and hands the midwives Miraz's son. Glozzel then goes into a hall and orders nine men in black to follow him. Meanwhile, a dark robed figure sneaks to Caspian's room and puts a hand on his mouth. Caspian gasps and sees its Gollum. Caspian slowly wipes the clammy hand from his mouth.)
Caspian: Gollum?
Gollum whispering softly: There won't be a Gollum if you and I stay here.
Caspian: Where's Doctor Cornelius?
Gollum: He couldn't make it.
(Caspian hears a thud and Gollum collapses unconscious. He sees Doctor Cornelius with a pan in his hand. Caspian exhales in relief and lies back in his bed.)
Caspian: Five more minutes.
Doctor Cornelius: There won't be another five minutes if you continue lying here and you won't be watching the stars tonight unless you get up now!
Caspian groans: But it's a Saturday, professor. I just want five more minutes.
Doctor Cornelius tapping Caspian's shoulder: Get up!
(Caspian immediately gets out of bed and follows Doctor Cornelius into the closet when they both hear footsteps.)
Caspian: Professor, what's going on?
Doctor Cornelius: Your Aunt has given birth…to some twins.
(Caspian thinks for a moment and follows Doctor Cornelius into the closet. They enter into the closet and Prince Caspian puts his eye to the crack between his closet doors and sees nine figures dressed in black, draw their swords out and start stabbing into his bed. Caspian turns to Doctor Cornelius.)
Caspian: What are they?
Doctor Cornelius: They were once men. And then Miraz your uncle gave them nine costumes of power, blinded by their professional skills in acting they took them with 20 questions. Now they have fallen under his spell. They are the Mirazgul. Assassins. Neither living nor dead. At all times…
(Black Riders stop stabbing and draw open the curtains and see that Caspian is not there. They scream and turn over the bed on top of each other. Doctor Cornelius gulps.)
Doctor Cornelius: They sense the power of the Deep Magic coming from one. They will not stop hunting you.
Caspian: What is the deep magic?
Doctor Cornelius: No time for anymore history lectures, come!
(Caspian follows Doctor Cornelius into the armory and puts on a leather jerkin, takes a sword, and gets on a brown horse called Brego. Doctor Cornelius goes over to him and holds out a megaphone.)
Doctor Cornelius: You must make for the woods.
Caspian: The woods?
Doctor Cornelius: They will not follow you there.
Caspian: But there's Ents there!
Doctor Cornelius: All the more why you should head over there.
(Caspian gulps. Doctor Cornelius pulls out something that is wrapped in cloth and hands it to Caspian.)
Doctor Cornelius: It took me 45 minutes to find this by the help of an employee at Wal-Mart.
(Caspian takes the megaphone and stuffs it into his personal bag.)
Doctor Cornelius: Do not use it, except at your greatest need.
Caspian: Will I ever see you again?
Doctor Cornelius: I hope so my prince. There's so much more I have to tell you. Everything you know, is about to change.
Soldier 29: Close the drawbridge!
Doctor Cornelius slaps the horse: Go!
(Prince Caspian rides away and into the courtyard. Two soldiers stop him with their spears but he rides past them while carrying one of their spears with him. He rides out of the gate and throws the spear into a cage of fire nearby and rides off. He gets over the drawbridge and comes to the village. He sees fireworks go off and hears one say,)
Citizen 4: A son, a son! Lady Prunapismia has this night, given birth to a son!
(Prince Caspian rears his horse and rides off. He sees a company of riders going after him and he rides and rides until he enters into the forest. Glozzel rides after him while the others hang back. Glozzel turns around and stares at his men.)
Glozzel: Which one of you superstitious old women wants to spend his night in a cell?
(All the riders go cross-eyed in fear of the forest and raise their hands. Glozzel growls, rolls his eyes and rides off after Caspian. Caspian continues riding hard and crosses a river. He looks behind himself and sees the rider stop at the river's edge."
Glozzel: Give up the pup, she-elf.
Caspian: I'm Prince Caspian.
(The guy realizes who he is talking to and draws out a crossbow. Caspian sees the rest of the riders ride up next to him. A rider rides up next to Glozzel while he aims his crossbow at Caspian.)
Soldier 39 to Glozzel: Mind your aim.
(Soldier 39 nudges his crossbow. Glozzel shoots and misses Caspian's head by a hand breadth. Glozzel gets frustrated.)
Glozzel: You idiot! You made me miss!
Soldier 39: Oohh.
(Prince Caspian becomes fearful and rides deep into the woods.)
Soldier 39 to Caspian: That's right! We warned you! Never come back!
Glozzel: You idiot! We want him back! Dead!
(The riders ride forward across the river, but lose a rider a long the way who fell off his horse. Caspian continues riding hard through the forest and looks back over his shoulder and then looks forward and gets hit by an overhanging dead tree and falls over. He gets dragged by his horse for a long way. He tries to reach his stirrup but can't. He then takes out a pistol and shoots the stirrup his leg is caught on and stops being dragged. He lays there for a while and then gets up and looks at his surroundings. He hears some growls and grunts and looks in the direction of the noise, and out pops Grishnak the orc with a spear through his shoulder.)
Grishnak to Prince Caspian: I'm going to rip out your filthy little innards.
(Caspian's eyes widen and he gets up, grabs his sword and megaphone, and starts running away from the orc.)
Grishnak: Come here!
(Caspian finally sees a large tree and starts climbing the thick roots. He stays there and waits until he sees the orc come out of the bushes and start looking in all directions for him. Caspian hears something creak and sees light below him. He sees two dwarves come out and see Grishnak.)
Nikabrik to Trumpkin: He's seen us!
(Trumpkin doesn't hesitate and throws a small knife right through the orc's body and walks over to it and nudges the body. Nikabrik follows after him and they inspect the orc. Caspian tries to make himself more comfortable and sets his foot on a branch but falls down right outside the entrance to a hidden underground cave. Trumpkin and Nikabrik turn around and see that it is a Telmarine. Trumpkin draws out his sword and runs towards Caspian and is about to kill him when he sees the megaphone and hears riders coming. He turns to Nikabrik.)
Trumpkin: You take care of him.
(Trumpkin runs toward the company of riders while Caspian looks at Nikabrik, and crawls quickly over to his megaphone and grabs it.)
Nikabrik: No!
(Caspian holds down the trigger and yells,)
Caspian: Help meeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Nikabrik takes the pommel of his sword and wops it over Caspian's head and makes him fall unconscious.)
(Meanwhile…)
(Back in our world, in England, Lucy is crossing the street when a car almost runs into her and slams its breaks and its horns.)
Driver 1: Hey watch yourself!
Lucy: Oh, I'm really sorry!
Driver 1: Mind yourself love!
(While Lucy is walking along the streets, Susan is at a magazine store and is reading one of the magazines there, when a man dressed in total white clothes, steps up to her and looks at her.)
Man 2: You go to Saint Finbars?
(Susan smiles slightly.)
Susan: That's right.
Man 2: I go to the Insane Asylum, right across the road.
(Susan smiles slightly and continues reading.)
Insane Man: I've seen you…sitting by yourself.
Susan: Yes…well sometimes I prefer to stand.
(Susan tries to ignore him and continues reading.)
Insane Man: Me too.
(Susan sighs and gets impatient.)
Insane Man: What's your name?
Susan sarcastically: Hillary.
Lucy: Susan! Susan!
(Susan turns to see Lucy come up the street and meet her.)
Lucy: You better come quickly!
(Several police are walking through the crowd and see the Insane Man.)
Constable 1: There he is!
(The Insane Man turns around dumbly and finds himself attacked and pushed down by several policeman.)
Constable 2: You won't escape us a second time!
(Susan and Lucy quickly leave the sight and enter into the subway where they find a group of men and girls shouting,)
School Group: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(Susan and Lucy nudge there way through the crowd and see Peter fighting with several Agent Smiths. Peter looks up during fighting and sees Susan with a disappointed and tired look while Lucy is worried. While the Agent Smiths are pushing Peter around, Edmund arrives and starts fighting with the Agent Smiths. After a while of fighting, two soldiers arrive and start blowing a whistle. They start separating the Agent Smiths and Peter and Edmund and shake them both.)
English Soldier 1: Act your age!
(One of the Agent Smith gets angry and slugs the English Soldier unconscious. He straightens out his clothes and pulls his dark glasses off.)
Agent Smith 2: I am acting my age.
(The Agent Smiths leave while the school group scatters and the other soldier becomes afraid and runs away. Several minutes later, the four Pevensies are sitting on a bench, waiting for a subway. Edmund puts his luggage down and sits next to Peter.)
Edmund: You're welcome.
Peter: I had it sorted!
(Peter gets up.)
Susan: What was it this time?
Peter: He wanted the location of Zion.
Lucy: So you hit him?
Peter: No. Then they said that they would have to interrogate me. That's when I hit him.
Susan: Really, is it that hard to give away a stupid secret?
Peter: I shouldn't have to! I mean, don't you ever get tired of people pretending that we live in a matrix?
Edmund: Um, Peter, we do live in the matrix.
Peter: Well I didn't always!
(Peter walks back to his seat.)
Peter: It's been a year. How long does Morpheus expect us to wait?
Susan: I think it's time to accept that you should be saying the right lines for your part in this comedy. It's no use making it more silly.
(Edmund sighs. Susan looks at the crowd passing by them and sees the Insane Man again.)
Susan: Oh no. (*turns to Lucy*) Pretend your talking to me.
Edmund: We are talking to you.
(Lucy then gets up.)
Lucy: Ow!
Susan: Lucy, your not playing your part. Talk to me!
Lucy: Something pinched me!
(Peter then gets up and looks at Edmund.)
Peter: Stop pulling me!
Edmund: It was just a joke!
Peter: When are you going to learn to grow up?
Lucy to Susan excitedly: It feels like we're being unplugged from the matrix!
(The subway rushes past them.)
Susan to the three: Quick! Everyone, hold hands!
(They all hold hands except Edmund.)
Edmund protesting: I'm not holding your hand!
Peter: Oh, yes you are, little brother.
Susan: We're going to miss our boarding time!
(They all hold hands and watch as the place seems to get torn up. As the subway passes them, they see small pictures of what they know to be, is Narnia. Their world around them begins to fade and the subway fades into oblivion and leaves them in Narnia. They walk out of a cave that they are in and see the beach and waves of the sea. Lucy turns to Susan who smiles at her and they start running for the water. Peter tags Edmund and runs after them while they all take off their school coats, ties, and shoes.)
Peter: Shame you're not as quick as me, Ed!
Susan: Last one's in, is a rotten egg!
(They all get into the water and continue playing around, when Edmund stops splashing water. Peter splashes water into his eyes.)
Edmund: Oww. Stop it, Pete.
Peter: You little…(*Peter then remembers and covers his mouth*) Sorry, wrong story.
Edmund: Where do you suppose we are?
Peter: Well, where else do you think?
Edmund: Well, I don't remember any Roman ruins in Narnia.
(Peter looks up where Edmund is looking and sees a ruin. They stop swimming and go up there and start studying the ruins. Lucy picks an apple and starts biting into it. She looks out at the sea and turns to Susan.)
Lucy: I wonder who lived here.
(Susan walks towards her and her foot kicks something. She bends down and picks up a solid gold chess piece formed like a centaur and looks at Lucy.)
Susan: I think we did.
Lucy: Well then this can't be a Roman ruin.
Susan: It could be Greek.
(Lucy lifts an eyebrow.)
Susan: You never know.
(Edmund and Peter come up to them and Edmund sees the solid gold chess piece and exclaims,)
Edmund: Hey that's mine. It went to my chess set.
Peter: Which chess set?
Edmund: Well I didn't exactly have a solid gold chess set in Finchley, did I?
(Edmund takes the chess piece and looks at it. Lucy turns and looks up ahead and sees something familiar to her.)
Lucy: It can't be.
(Lucy runs up ahead, followed by Peter, Edmund, and Susan. She goes up some steps and looks at Peter.)
Lucy: Don't you see?
(Lucy then positions her brothers and sister in certain places all in a line.)
Lucy: Imagine the walls. And columns there. And a glass roof.
(They all think for a moment.)
Peter: A green house!
Edmund: A silo!
Susan: King Louis the XIV's bedroom.
(Lucy sighs.)
Lucy: No. Cair Cavalier.
(Meanwhile, the riders come back, riding to Miraz's castle. Miraz is holding his twin babies and looks down to see Glozzel and his men come in; missing one rider. Miraz hands his babies back to his wife, and goes down to the stables where his men are unsaddling. He approaches a horse carrying a large bundle, but Glozzel stops him.)
Glozzel: Wait. Wait, my lord. It is not what you think.
Miraz: Then what is it?
Glozzel: We're not sure.
(Glozzel motions to one of his men standing by. The soldier throws off the blanket covering the bundle and Miraz gasps.)
Miraz: Impossible.
(Miraz thinks for a moment and looks at Glozzel. At the council, Lord Sopespian is standing up and talking with the other members.)
Sopespian: I warned this council, when it put it's trust in President Obama; there would be consequences.
Council member 2: No. No. We cannot accuse the president without proof.
Council member 5: How long are we going to hide behind that excuse? Until every chair in this room is empty?
Council member 2: Yup.
(Council member 5 rolls his eyes. Miraz enters into the chamber and walks over to his seat.)
Miraz: Lords of the council, my apologies for being late. I was not aware we were in session. My friend, Obama, could not make it today.
Sopespian: No doubt, he and you were otherwise preoccupied.
(Miraz leans in his chair.)
Miraz: My lord?
Council member 5: It seems that ever since the death of Caspian the Ninth, you and your friend have acted like you were the sole rulers of the land. And now it seems that behind these walls, even Prince Caspian has gone missing.
Sopespian mockingly: My condolences, my lord Miraz. Imagine, loosing your nephew, the rightful heir to the throne on the night that your wife has blessed you with a son.
(The Council murmurs in agreement.)
Council member 2 pointing out: And a daughter.
(Sopespian rolls his eyes.)
Miraz: Thank you lord Sopespian. Your compassion is a boon in this troubled time.
Sopespian: Perhaps, you can tell us how such a tragedy could have ever occurred.
(Miraz looks up and sees Glozzel enter and close the door silently behind himself. Miraz gets up.)
Miraz: That is the most disturbing news of all. (*walks over towards the throne*) Our beloved Prince Caspian was abducted (*turns around and faces the council*)…by Narnians.
(Council roars in doubt and amazement.)
Council member 5: You go too far Miraz. Do you expect us to stand by, while you blame such a blatant crime on fairy tales?
(Miraz motions with his hands and Glozzel opens the door where two guards bring forward a hobbit and a dwarf. The members of the council get up in amazement.)
Miraz: You forget my lords. Narnia was once a savage land. Fierce creatures roamed free. The blood of our forefathers was shed, to exterminate this vermin.
(Miraz points to a dwarf who is Trumpkin and then looks at the hobbit next to him who is Pippin.)
Miraz pointing to Pippin: And this vermin.
(Miraz turns toward Sopespian.)
Miraz: Or so we thought. And while we've been bickering amongst ourselves, (*walks over to the dwarf and hobbit*) they've been breeding like cockroaches under a rock. Growing stronger. Watching us.
(Miraz turns around.)
Miraz: Waiting to strike!
(He swings his fist at Trumpkin, but he ducks his head and Miraz misses him and instead hits Pippin unconscious and makes him fall to the ground. Trumpkin looks up at him.)
Trumpkin: And you wonder why we don't like you.
Miraz: Well I intend to strike back! Even if I have to cut down the entire forest (*looks at the council and walks toward the throne*) you have my word, my lords. I will find Prince Caspian, and finish what our ancestors begun.
(Meanwhile, back at the ruins of Cair Paravel, Edmund and the rest of the Pevensies are walking more into the ruins. Edmund bends down near a stone.)
Edmund: Torpedoes.
Peter: What?
Edmund to Peter: This didn't just happen. Cair Cavalier was attacked.
Peter: How do you know that?
(Edmund points to a piece of shrapnel. Edmund and Peter then look on a wall and walk over to it. They remove some dead branches and then push a fake wall away to reveal a wooden door. Peter breaks away the rotten wood and opens the door which falls off its hinges. He then takes out his knife and starts tearing up his clothes. He picks up a stick and wraps the piece of cloth around it.)
Peter to Edmund: I suppose, you wouldn't happen to have any matches on you by any chance?
Edmund: Well no, (*reaches into his leather bag and pulls out a flash light*) but would this help?
Peter smiling: You might have mentioned that a bit sooner.
(Edmund grins and leads the way. They go down some stone steps to reveal their private treasury. They reach the bottom and find all their personal chests in the same place they had left them, 1300 years ago. Each one goes to his own chest except Peter who picks up a gold plate with the image of Aslan and blows on it.)
Lucy: I was so much bigger then. (*holds up some of her clothes*)
Susan: Well, you were older then.
Edmund: As opposed to being a few hundred years, when you're younger.
(Susan picks up her sniper rifle.)
Susan: My megaphone.
Lucy: What?
Susan: I must have left it in a cart at Wal-Mart, the day we went back.
(Peter looks up at the statue of himself and goes over to his chest where he pulls out his lightsaber and reads the inscription on the handle.)
Peter: When Adam's Flesh and Adam's Bone, sits on Cair Cavalier on throne…
Lucy finishes sadly: All that there will be left is a carcass.
(Edmund rolls his eyes.)
Edmund: Read the other side.
(Peter looks on the other side of the blade.)
Peter: When Aslan bares his teeth, winter meets its death.
Susan: When he shakes his mane, we will have spring again.
(Edmund nods his head smugly.)
Edmund: That more like it.
Lucy sadly: Everyone we knew, Mr. Tumnus and the Beavers…they're all gone.
(Peter looks at everybody.)
Peter: I think its time we found out what's going on here.
(Lucy nods her head in agreement. Meanwhile, a few miles north-west, is a single Telmarine boat bearing two men, and two bundles. One soldier is holding a crossbow, and the other is rowing.)
Soldier 49 to Soldier 56: They won't stop staring.
Soldier 56: So don't look.
(Soldier 49 looks down and sees the dwarf, Trumpkin, with an angry look on his face behind his gag. While the other, a hobbit named Pippin, is grinning happily without a gag but is not saying a word. They continue rowing for a while and then Soldier 49 looks at his companion and stops rowing.)
Soldier 49: Here's far enough.
(Soldier 56 puts down his crossbow down and picks up Pippin and Soldier 49 picks up Trumpkin. They are about to toss them into the water, when they see a bullet plow into their boat. They both look up to see four strangers coming over the beach. All of them are dressed in lordly clothes. One has a knife and a cordial, the other has a sniper rifle, another has a lightsaber, and the other one has a sword. They are in fact the Pevensies.)
Susan to Telmarine Soldiers: Drop them!
Trumpkin muffled: Crows and Crockery!
Pippin: Proud foot and proud feet! There's a Jedi.
(Soldier 49 hauls Trumpkin over the boat and drop him in the water while his comrade drops the hobbit onto the boat. Soldier 49 reaches for the crossbow and aims but gets shot in the shoulder. Soldier 56 jumps after him out of the boat. Peter and Edmund rush over to the water and Peter plunges in into the water and brings Trumpkin ashore. Edmund grabs the boat and hauls it over and Lucy takes out her knife and cuts Trumpkin's gag and bonds. Trumpkin looks up at Susan with an angry look.)
Trumpkin: Drop him? (*throws his gag down*) That's the best you can come up with?
Susan: A simple "thank you" would suffice.
Trumpkin pointing at the river: They were doing fine drowning that silly hobbit without your help.
Peter: Maybe we should've let them.
Trumpkin: Yeah. You should've.
Lucy: Why were they hurting you?
(Trumpkin shakes the water off himself.)
Trumpkin: They're Telmarines. That's what they do.
Edmund: Telmarines? In Narnia?
Trumpkin: Where have you been for the last few hundred years?
Lucy chuckling: It's a long story, actually.
(Susan hands Peter his lightsaber and Trumpkin sees it and stares at all four of them with amazement.)
Trumpkin: You've got to be kidding me. You're it? You're the kings and queens of old.
(Peter holds out his hand to him.)
Peter: High King Peter, the Magnificent.
(Trumpkin hesitates on shaking his hand.)
Susan to Peter: You probably could've left out the last part.
Trumpkin chuckling: Probably.
Peter: Still (*turns on his lightsaber which burns a piece of Trumpkin's beard off*) you might be surprised.
(Trumpkin realizes that a piece of his beard is gone and he gets slightly angry.)
Trumpkin: Oh, you don't want to do that again boy.
Peter: Not me. (*looks at Edmund*) Him.
Trumpkin: Let him try!
(Trumpkin reaches for Peter's lightsaber and takes it away. He starts trying to hurt Edmund and succeeds in hitting him in the face with the handle.)
Trumpkin: Oh, are you alright?
(Edmund pulls out his sword which is lightsaber proof and does a few hits with Trumpkin and succeeds in hitting him in the rear with the flat. Trumpkin growls and they continue fighting until finally Edmund succeeds in knocking the lightsaber out of Trumpkin's hand and cuts off another piece of his beard. Trumpkin kneels down in amazement.)
Trumpkin: Beards and bedsteads. That megaphone must have worked after all.
Susan: What megaphone?
(Meanwhile, Prince Caspian wakes up and squints in pain when he feel his head very soar. He looks up and sees he's not in the forest anymore but in someone's house. He looks down at his arm and sees an IV that has been injected into his arm. He takes it out, looks at the IV pole and stuff near his bed and gets up quietly when he hears some voices. He creeps to the entrance of his room and peers out and sees a dwarf and a badger.)
Nikabrik in disgust: Ugh. We've had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin days.
Trufflehunter: I'll just get him some Jello then. He should be coming around soon.
Nikabrik: Oh yeah? Well I don't think I chloroformed him long enough.
Trufflehunter: Nikabrik, he's just a boy!
Nikabrik: He's a Telmarine. Not some lost puppy from a 101 Dalmatian clan. Besides, (*points a finger at Trufflehunter*) you said you were going to get rid of him.
Trufflehunter: No. I said I was going to take care of him. We can't kill him now. I just plugged him into an IV. It…it would be like murdering a patient. Or a guest.
Nikabrik: Oh yeah? And how do you think his friends are treating their patient?
Trufflehunter: Trumpkin knew what he was doing.
Nikabrik mumbling: Except that stupid hobbit that got into the fight.
Trufflehunter: It's not the boy's fault.
(Prince Caspian rushes from the entrance and tries to escape but Nikabrik stops him with a short sword. Prince Caspian backs off and grabs a plastic spatula and holds it out like a sword. Trufflehunter tries to stop them both but they fight each other. Nikabrik cuts the spatula piece by piece in Prince Caspian's hand until there's nothing left except the piece that he is holding on to.)
Trufflehunter: Stop Nikabrik!
Nikabrik: I told you we should've carbon-freezed him when we had the chance!
Trufflehunter: You know why we can't do that! We don't have the technology!
Nikabrik: That is no excuse! He's a Telmarine! He's seen us!
(Nikabrik slashes his sword near Caspian's stomach and Caspian sits down on some wooden steps.)
Trufflehunter: Enough Nikabrik! Or do I have to sit on your head again?
(Nikabrik growls quietly.)
Trufflehunter to Caspian: And you…look what you made me do!
(Trufflehunter picks up a bowl of Jello off the floor.)
Trufflehunter: Spent half the morning on that Jello.
Nikabrik: Why?
Trufflehunter: Because I can't read English on the box! I had to get a translator to read it out for me.
Nikabrik: What translator?
Trufflehunter: A squirrel.
Caspian: What are you?
(Trufflehunter heads for the kitchen.)
Trufflehunter: You know, it's funny that you would ask that. You would think that Telmarines would know a badger when they saw one.
Caspian: No…I mean…your Narnians. You're supposed to be extinct.
Nikabrik: Well, sorry to disappoint you.
(Nikabrik shakes his head in frustration and seats himself at the table again. Trufflehunter comes back and sets another bowl of Jello on the table.)
Trufflehunter to Caspian: Here's your Jello. Still cold.
Nikabrik: Thanks!
(Nikabrik reaches for the bowl of Jello but Trufflehunter snatches it away.)
Trufflehunter: Not you!
(Nikabrik goes sullen.)
Nikabrik: Since when did we open a cafeteria to Telmarine soldiers?
Caspian: I'm no soldier.
Nikabrik: Then why do you carry a leather jerkin?
Caspian: Because I can take whatever I want.
(Nikabrik picks up his short sword again.)
Nikabrik: Until today.
(Trufflehunter puts his paw on his blade and lowers it.)
Caspian: I am Prince Caspian…the Tenth.
(Nikabrik looks at Trufflehunter in amazement.)
Nikabrik to Caspian: What are you doing here?
Caspian: I'm running away.
(Caspian throws the piece of spatula on the table.)
Caspian: My uncle, has always wanted my throne. I guess, the reason why I have lived this long is because he didn't have an heir of his own.
Trufflehunter to Nikabrik: Well, that changes things.
Nikabrik to Caspian: Yeah. That means we don't have to kill you ourselves.
Trufflehunter: You would dare kill me?
Nikabrik grumbling: I was talking to this lost pup.
Caspian: You're right.
(Caspian moves toward the entrance and puts on his leather jerkin.)
Trufflehunter: Where are you going?
Caspian: Lord Glozzel won't stop hunting me until I'm a superstitious old man that wants to spend a night in a cell, or under the axe blade.
Trufflehunter: You can't leave now! You're meant to save us.
(Caspian stops packing up his things and sees Trufflehunter holding a megaphone.)
Trufflehunter: Don't you know what this is?
Caspian: Yeah. A megaphone.
Trufflehunter: Yeah. But not just any megaphone. It's from Wal-Mart! (*he starts holding it like a teddy-bear*) We hardly get anything from the outside world that is so shiny, bright, clean, and technologicus! How much can I pay to buy it off of you?
(Nikabrik rolls his eyes.)
(Meanwhile, the Pevensies are in a boat. Peter is rowing, Edmund controls the tiller, Susan sits between Edmund and Peter, and Lucy sits in front of Trumpkin and behind Peter. As they are rowing, Lucy is looking at the trees on the bank and sees them so quiet.)
Lucy: They're so quiet.
Trumpkin looking up: They're trees. What did you expect?
Lucy: They used to dance.
Trumpkin: It was not long after you left that the Telmarines invaded. Everyone retreated into their holes and left Narnia a seeming desolate place. And the trees…they retreated so far back into themselves that they haven't been heard from since.
Lucy: How could Aslan let such a thing happen?
Trumpkin grumbling: Aslan? I thought he got raptured when the lot of you did.
(Peter stops rowing.)
Peter: We didn't mean to leave you know. We didn't expect the first rapture to come so soon.
Trumpkin turning his face away: It makes no difference now, does it?
(Peter continues rowing.)
Peter: Stop reading Left Behind books, and get us to the Narnians, and it will.
(They continue rowing until they reach a rocky sandy shore. They put anchor there and Lucy goes out exploring. She finds a small, gray, thin creature bending in the water. It dives in and comes up with a fish which it holds in his mouth. Lucy smiles and walks toward it.)
Lucy: Hello there!
(Trumpkin and the Pevensies look in Lucy's direction. The thin creature, holding the fish in his mouth, gets up on two legs and looks at Lucy with a frightened expression.)
Lucy: It's alright. I'm a fan of yours.
(The thin creature, gets on its hands and knees and starts sprinting toward her.)
Gollum: My precious!
(Trumpkin hears Gollum and looks at Lucy.)
Trumpkin: Don't move your majesty!
(Lucy starts running away from Gollum while Susan loads her sniper rifle.)
Susan to Gollum: Stay away from her!
(Lucy falls down and finds Gollum towering above her. She screams, and Gollum yells, when a dart comes flying into his shoulder. Gollum screams in pain and falls down.)
Gollum: Ohhh, I've been skewered!
(Gollum lies their unconscious. Susan looks behind her to see who fired that shot and sees that it was Trumpkin holding a knock-out dart gun. He lowers it and goes over to the sleeping Gollum. Peter and Edmund run ahead and help Lucy up with their lightsaber and sword drawn out. Trumpkin goes over to Gollum and starts nudging it with his gun to make sure it has been knocked out.)
Peter to Edmund: It was crazy. I don't think it had the One Ring.
(Trumpkin bends near the body of Gollum and draws his tazer out.)
Trumpkin: Get treated like a wild fish eater long enough, that's what you become. You might find Narnia a more savage place then you remember.
(Trumpkin starts inspecting and tapping Gollum while Lucy stifles a giggle. Meanwhile, at Miraz's castle, Doctor Cornelius is walking in the corridors to his office, when he finds someone bustling inside with his stuff. He enters into his study and finds Lord Miraz there, looking at a book.)
Miraz to Doctor Cornelius: You have quite a library here, doctor.
(Doctor Cornelius moves toward his desk.)
Doctor Cornelius: Is there something my lord is acquiring?
Miraz: I think I already found what I was looking for.
(Miraz turns to Doctor Cornelius and slams a bullet without a shell into a painted picture of the Mona Lisa.)
Miraz: In one of my soldiers!
(Doctor Cornelius takes his glasses off and inspects the bullet.)
Doctor Cornelius: Probably a deer hunter.
Miraz sarcastically: Or probably a fisherman who missed his mark.
(Miraz seats himself in a chair and puts his boots on Doctor Cornelius's desk.)
Miraz: What do you know of Queen Susan's megaphone?
Doctor Cornelius: It was said to be controlled by the Force.
Miraz: The Force?
Doctor Cornelius: The Narnians believed it would call their kings and queens and Jedi's of old. At least, such was the superstition.
(Miraz rises out of the chair and walks over to him.)
Miraz: And what does Caspian know of this superstition?
Doctor Cornelius chuckling quietly: My lord, you forebade me from mentioning or letting him see the Star Wars films.
Miraz: Mmm, so I did.
(They both hear someone enter into the room and Doctor Cornelius turns around to see General Glozzel with several other soldiers. Doctor Cornelius realizes his predicament and turns to Miraz.)
Doctor Cornelius: I'll say just this one thing, if Caspian does know of the ways of the Force, his highness would have a good reason to be nervous.
(The soldiers with Glozzel, escort Doctor Cornelius away to the dungeons. Lord Sopespian comes into the corridor, just in time to see the soldiers taking Doctor Cornelius away. He looks at General Glozzel who is standing in the hall, and goes up to him.)
Sopespian: First our prince, then Obama, now his tutor. If the members of Miraz's house are not safe, who is?
Miraz calling from study: Lord Sopespian!
General Glozzel looks at Sopespian: Those are dangerous words Lord Sopespian.
Sopespian: But these are dangerous times, general. One must choose his words carefully, as one chooses his friends.
(Lord Sopespian walks away from Glozzel and enters into the study.)
Miraz: How long until the giant treadmill is finished?
Sopespian: Things are going on schedule.
Miraz: That's not good enough! I need my army across that river now!
Sopespian: May his lord, consider lending a few of his own men? I have only so many at my disposal.
(Miraz leans toward Sopespian.)
Miraz: A fact, you would be wise to remember. Go to Beruna. Take as many men as you need. We need to get to Caspian before they do.
Sopespian: They my Lord?
Miraz: It is time, you learned your history.
(Sopespian smiles and seat himself.)
Sopespian: Sounds fun. What do you want to teach me from history?
Miraz: That you are a complete idiot, my Lord Sopespian! You always have been and always will be if you don't use your wits!
(Miraz exits out of the room.)
Miraz: Get on with the bridge, now!
(Sopespian sighs and gets up and sees the bullet jammed into a picture of the Mona Lisa. Meanwhile, Caspian is walking through the woods alone, or seems like alone, when he hears some rustling behind him. He turns around.)
Caspian: I can hear you.
(Caspian looks down to see Trufflehunter and Nikabrik appear from behind two trees.)
Trufflehunter: I just think we need to wait for the kings and queens.
(Caspian thinks for a moment and then continues walking away from them.)
Trufflehunter: Oh fine. Let's see if the others will be just as understanding.
Nikabrik walking towards Caspian: Yeah. Maybe I'll come with you. I'd like to see you explain things to the Uruk'hi.
(Caspian stops walking and turns toward Nikabrik.)
Caspian: Uruk'hi? They're real?
Trufflehunter catching up with Caspian: And very bad tempered.
Nikabrik: Yeah. Not to mention, Babies.
Trufflehunter motions with hands: Huge.
(Nikabrik and Trufflehunter walk ahead of him.)
Caspian: What about Centaurs? Do they still exist?
Trufflehunter: Well the centaurs will probably fight on your side. But there's no telling what the others will do.
(Caspian stops walking.)
Caspian: And what about Harry Potter?
(Nikabrik and Trufflehunter stop walking, look at each other with disgusted faces and look at Caspian.)
Nikabrik: How do you know, so little about us?
Caspian: Stories.
Trufflehunter: Wait a minute. Your spies told you fairy tales about Narnia?
Caspian: No. My Palantir…it… Look this is not the time to be messing up our script.
(Caspian walks passed them but Trufflehunter stays and starts sniffing the air.)
Nikabrik: What is it? What do you smell?
Trufflehunter: Man flesh.
Nikabrik motioning towards Caspian: Who? Him?
Trufflehunter: No. (*looks back at where they came*) Them!
(Caspian, Nikabrik, and Trufflehunter look to see a company of Telmarine soldiers armed with crossbows and swords.)
Nikabrik: They must have picked up our trail.
Trufflehunter: Let's move!
(Caspian, Nikabrik, and Trufflehunter start running. A Telmarine Captain loads his crossbow when he sees the three running.)
Captain 5: There pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent. (*turns to his soldiers*) Hurry!
Soldier 72: Ah man! And we were so good at sneaking up on them.
Sergeant 2 turns to his soldiers: Come on you idiots.
(The whole company moves forward all except one soldier who is actually a hobbit enlisted into Miraz's army. He is breathing hard under the weight of the armor and weapons on him and stops walking.)
Pippin: Three hours of days pursuit. No food. No rest. No sign of my Longbottom Leaf but what bare bush can tell.
(The Telmarine soldiers unleash a rain of shafts and darts at Caspian and his two friends. Caspian and his two friends run down a steep hill and disappear out of sight. The Captain runs up ahead and sees a boot print and stops running.)
Captain 5: Not idly to the boots of Telmar fall.
(Sergeant 2 runs up to him.)
Sergeant 2: He may yet be alive.
Captain: Less then 20 yards ahead of us! Come!
(They run down the hill after Caspian and continue unleashing darts at them. One dart hits Trufflehunter in the leg and he stumbles over. Nikabrik turns around.)
Nikabrik: Oh no.
Caspian: No wait! I'll go.
(Caspian runs over to Trufflehunter and starts picking him up. Trufflehunter takes out the megaphone and hands it to Caspian.)
Trufflehunter: Take it! It's more important then I am!
(Caspian hurriedly slings the megaphone over his shoulder and picks Trufflehunter up and starts running away and catches up with Nikabrik. He gives him Trufflehunter.)
Caspian: Get out of here!
(Caspian draws his sword out. The men have Caspian in there sights, when one of them men cries out and falls down. The bushes start rustling among them and another falls down. And another. The company continues running toward Caspian but one by one, more Telmarine soldiers fall down. Finally there is only one soldier left and he drops his crossbow and pulls out a tazer and starts pressing the button in every direction around him.)
Sergeant 2: Ah! Where are you? You little LGM! Come out!
(Sergeant 2 accidentally shocks his leg and falls down. The bushes then start rustling again and start heading toward Caspian. Caspian is about to strike when he gets knocked down, a green figure lands on his stomach, and pulls out it's small lightsaber.)
Yoda: Choose your words carefully, Sith!
Caspian: May the Force be with you.
Yoda sighing: I was hoping for something less…
(Caspian hears two whacks on either side of Yoda's neck and Yoda falls over to the side, unconscious. Replacing Yoda's place is one large mouse who pulls out his sword by the help of his tail and points it at Caspian.)
Reepicheep: Choose your words carefully, Telmarine!
Caspian: You're a mouse.
Reepicheep sighing: I was hoping for something a little more original. Pick up your sword.
(Caspian looks at his sword and then at Reepicheep.)
Caspian: Uh, no thanks.
Reepicheep: Pick it up! I will not fight an unarmed Jedi.
Caspian: Which is why I might live a little longer if I choose not to cross lightsabers with you noble mouse.
Reepicheep: I said I would not fight you. (*points his sword at Caspian again*) I didn't say I would let you live!
Trufflehunter: Reepicheep, stay your blade!
(Reepicheep looks up to see Trufflehunter and Nikabrik.)
Reepicheep: Trufflehunter? I hope you have a very good reason for this untimely interruption.
Nikabrik to Reepicheep: He doesn't. Go ahead.
Trufflehunter: He's the one that called through the megaphone.
(Reepicheep looks at Caspian with an accusing glance of amazement.)
Reepicheep: What?
Glenstorm: Then let him bring it forward!
(All four of them look up to see a company of centaurs and a centaur named Glenstorm looking down on them.)
Glenstorm: This is the reason why we have gathered.
(Meanwhile, the Pevensies and Trumpkin are walking through a maze of big rocks and boulders with Peter leading them.)
Susan: I have no memory of this place.
Peter: That's the thing about girls. They don't carry a map in their heads.
Lucy smiling: That's because our heads always have something inside them.
Susan: I wish he had listened to the DLF in the first place.
Edmund: DLF?
Lucy: Dear Little Friend.
(Trumpkin stops walking.)
Trumpkin: Oh. That's not patronizing at all, is it?
(Peter stops when he comes to several paths leading in several directions and starts circling around.)
Peter to himself: I'm not lost.
Trumpkin: No. (*jumps down from a rock*) You're just going the wrong way.
Peter: You last saw Caspian in the frozen woods. And the quickest way there, is to cross at the River Rush.
Trumpkin: But unless, I'm mistaken, there's no longer any frozen woods. There's a forest called the Shuddering Woods.
Peter: That explains it then! (*points to a melting icicle under a rock*) You're mistaken.
(Peter continues leading them until they come to the River Rush. Peter looks down to see a deep gorge, 150 feet down, with the river at the very bottom.)
Susan to Peter: You see, every time water passes by, it erodes the land and rock carving deeper an…
Peter: Oh, shut up.
Edmund to Trumpkin: Is there any other way down?
Trumpkin: Yeah. Falling.
Peter: Well we weren't lost.
Trumpkin: There's a ford near Beruna that we can cross. How do you feel like swimming?
(Susan turns to go.)
Susan: Sound's better then walking.
(The four turn to go but Lucy stays behind when she sees Aslan.)
Lucy: Aslan? Aslan!
(The Pevensies and Trumpkin turn around. Lucy smiles at them.)
Lucy: Aslan! He's right over there!
(She looks back and sees that Aslan is gone.)
Trumpkin: Do you see him, now?
Lucy: He was there.
Peter: I'm sure there's any number of lions in these woods, Lucy. Just like when you saw Gollum.
Trumpkin mumbling: He's no lion if I ever saw one.
Lucy: I think I know Aslan when I see him.
(Peter thinks for a moment.)
Peter: Why didn't I see him?
Lucy: Maybe you were wearing your contact lenses.
(Peter looks at Trumpkin.)
Trumpkin: Look, I'm not going to jump off a cliff after someone that doesn't exist.
(Peter continues thinking and deciding.)
Edmund: The last time I didn't trust Lu, I ended up being pretty stupid.
(Peter looks at Lucy with regret.)
Peter: I'm sorry Lu.
(Peter issues leading them with Susan and Trumpkin following him. Edmund gives Lucy a knowing smile and motions for her to come. She looks at Edmund, and then back where she saw Aslan, and follows Peter. Meanwhile, at the Dancing Lawn, which is actually the Accusing Lawn, the Narnians are shouting accusations and disapproval against Caspian (like Liar! Murderer! Thief! Kill him!) who looks at them all with fear and amazement to see so many.)
Nikabrik pointing at Caspian: All this megaphone proves, is that they've stolen yet another thing from us.
Caspian: I didn't steal anything.
Minotaur 1: Didn't steal anything? (*points his axe at Caspian*) Shall we give him a list of the things they've stolen?
Centaur mom 9: Our homes.
Dwarf 6: Our lives.
Faun 15: Our freedom!
Nikabrik: And our twinkies!
Deer 4: You stole Narnia!
(Nikabrik gets angry and points to himself.)
Nikabrik: Me?
(Narnians shout in approval.)
Caspian and Nikabrik: You'd hold me…
(Caspian and Nikabrik glare at each other and then Nikabrik falls into silence.)
Caspian continues: You'd hold me accountable for all the crimes of my people?
Nikabrik: Accountable… And punishable.
Reepicheep: Ha! That's rich coming from you, dwarf. (*draws his sword and waves it at Nikabrik*) Or have you forgotten that it was your people who fought along the side of the White Witch?
Nikabrik taps Reepicheep's sword away: And I'd gladly do it again. If it would only rid us of these barbarians.
(Some Narnians shout in approval.)
Trufflehunter: Well then it is a good thing that it is not in your power to do it. Or would you have this boy go against Harry Potter, now?
Narnian Crowd: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Trufflehunter grumbling: I meant Aslan.
Narnian Crowd: Well then No! No! No!
Trufflehunter: All you creatures may have forgotten, but we badgers remember well. That Narnia was never right, until a son of Adam became King.
Nikabrik at Trufflehunter: He's a Telmarine! Why would we want him as our King?
(Narnian Crowd shouts in approval again.)
Caspian to Nikabrik: Because I can help you.
Centaur 7: To death with him!
Faun 2: At least hear him out!
(Caspian looks all around at the Narnian crowd.)
Caspian: Outside these woods, I'm a prince. The Telmarine throne is rightfully mine! Help me claim it, and I can help you to regain Narnia.
(Glenstorm steps out.)
Glenstorm: It is true. The time is ripe. I watch the skies for it is mine to watch (*looks at Trufflehunter*) as it is your's to remember, badger. Tarva the lord of victory, and Alambil the lady of peace; have come together in the high heavens. And now, a son of Adam has come forth. To offer us back our freedom.
Nikabrik adds: And our twinkies.
Squirrel on Tree to Caspian: Do you really think that we could get back our twinkies? I mean, do you mean it? I mean, Really?
Caspian: Two days ago, I did not believe in the existence of talking animals. And yet here you are, in strength and numbers that we Telmarines could never have imagined. (*holds up megaphone*) And whether this megaphone is loud or not, it deafened our ears and brought us together. And together, we can take back our hearing and what is our's.
(Sparse applause ensues from the Narnian crowd.)
Glenstorm: If you will lead us, (*draws his sword*) My sons and I offer you our swords.
(Nobody draws their swords. Glenstorm and his sons look around at the silence around them. Glenstorm glares at everybody and then smiles coolly and looks at Caspian. He then uses his sword to point to the rest of the talking animals.)
Glenstorm: And their heads.
(Everybody gets anxious and more swords and blades get quickly and hurriedly drawn out and held towards Caspian. Glenstorm is pleased. Reepicheep draws his sword and salutes.)
Reepicheep to Caspian: And we offer our lives, unreservedly.
Trufflehunter: Miraz's army will not be far behind, sire.
Caspian: We must gather and collect as many men and weapons as we can. (*looks at Glenstorm*) I'm certain that he will come.
(Meanwhile, at the river of Beruna, men are hammering and sawing trees and building a wooden bridge. The Pevensies and Trumpkin come up from the forest and survey the work. They duck down when Lord Miraz comes riding in to inspect the work. Peter, Trumpkin, and the rest leave and go back to the spot where Lucy saw Aslan.)
Peter to Lucy: So where do you think they are?
Susan whispering to Peter: Kids these days. They always want attention which gets them into a bigger mess.
(Lucy sighs frustratingly and looks at the others with accusation.)
Lucy: I wish you would all stop trying to get this comedy wrong by quoting from 101 Dalmatians and Barefoot Detective.
Trumpkin cocking an eyebrow: What?
Lucy: I didn't think I saw them, I know I saw HIM.
(Lucy walks over to the edge of the cliff)
Trumpkin complaining: I'm not even quoting from any movie.
Lucy: It was right…eeeehhhhhhhh!
(A piece of the cliff collapses and Lucy falls straight down.)
Peter: Lucy!
Susan to Peter: What have you done?
Peter muttering: Yeah. Kids these days…
Susan interrupting: Not her. You!
Peter: It wasn't a setup.
(The three Pevensies and Trumpkin go over to the part of the cliff that had collapsed and they find Lucy sitting still, trembling from slight shock.)
Lucy: Here.
Susan: Who?
Peter: Aslan?
Lucy: No. The path to get down and across.
(Peter points across the river.)
Peter: Then by Jove, why in all Narnia did you say the path was on the other side of the river?
Lucy: I didn't. I said…I…ugh! You're getting me confused. Let's just cross instead of bickering like grownups.
(Lucy jumps down and starts going to the edge of the river.)
Trumpkin hesitatingly: I am a grownup.
(The Pevensies and Trumpkin cross the river and get safely to the other side. After some more walking and hiking. They stop and camp for the night. The others go asleep while Lucy gazes up into the starlit sky.)
Susan: Lucy?
Lucy: Mmm.
Susan: Are you awake?
Lucy: Nope. Are you?
Susan: Nope.
Lucy: Susan, if you were sleeping, would you be talking to me?
Susan decidedly: Well…noooo.
Lucy indignantly: Then you're not sleeping! So just shut up!
Susan: Well you're talking to me also and you claim to be sleeping.
(Lucy gets up so that she faces Susan and she leans on her elbow.)
Lucy: How do you know?
Susan: Well we got across.
Lucy: And what in all Narnia does "getting across the river" have to do with you and I sleeping?
Susan indignantly: Well I just thought that we should be staying on track with the script. You, Peter, Edmund, and DLF just keep on messing up this script!
(Susan flops down on the ground with an angry sigh while Lucy remains in her posture.)
Lucy: Susan, don't you like this comedy?
Susan: While it lasts.
(The two then go to sleep. Lucy awakes and hears someone calling her. She gets up and starts walking towards the voice she guesses as Aslan. She walks through the forest which is coming alive and then walks around a corner to see Aslan. She cries out his name and runs to him, embracing him.)
Lucy: Aslan, why didn't you come rushing in and saving us as before?
Aslan: Since when did you need saving?
Lucy: I mean, not me. All of Narnia. How come you haven't come rushing in and saving us like last time?
Aslan whispering: Things, never happen twice, dear one.
Lucy: What did you say?
Aslan raising his voice slightly: Things, never happen twice, dear one.
Lucy: I still can't hear you.
Aslan: Why you silly girl! If I say things never happen twice, then that means things are never said twice!
Lucy: What did you say Aslan?
(Aslan is about to speak when they both hear a twig snap. Lucy awakens from her sleep and realizes it that it is all a dream. Lucy then hears someone calling her. She gets up and starts walking towards the voice she guesses as Aslan. She walks through the forest which is coming alive and then walks around a corner to see Aslan. She says his name and jogs to him, embracing him.)
Lucy: Aslan, why didn't you come rushing in and saving us as before?
Aslan: Since when did you need saving?
Lucy mumbling to herself: Woah. Deja vu.
Lucy to Aslan: I'm sure I've already have told you. All of Narnia.
Aslan: I was never informed that you told all of Narnia.
(Lucy hesitates for a moment.)
Lucy: How come you haven't come rushing in and saving us like last time?
Aslan whispering: Things, never happen twice, dear one.
Lucy hesitatingly: Well, I think I have dreamed of this moment before.
Aslan: Like I've told you dear one, things never happen again. Never twice.
(Aslan is about to speak more when they both hear a twig snap. Lucy awakens and to her frustration realizes that it's just another dream. Lucy again hears someone calling her. She withdraws her knife and walks towards the voice. She walks through the forest which is alive with dryads, and walks around a corner to see Aslan. She walks over to Aslan and touches his mane while Aslan is having a big grin on his face.)
Lucy doubtfully: Aslan…is this…is this just another dream?
Aslan: What are you talking about?
Lucy: I have been through this scenario before.
Aslan indignantly: Ridiculous. We haven't met for 1300 years. This has been the first meeting in a long time.
Lucy: But Aslan…
Aslan interrupts: Haven't I've told you before that nothing happens twice, DEAR ONE?
Lucy tired: Yes Aslan. In fact, seven times from what the script is showing me.
Aslan: Then let me tell you once and for all, nothing never happens more then thrice!
(Lucy cries with tears of joy and hugs Aslan. She expects to fell the warm fur of Aslan's mane, but instead awakens and finds she's been hugging a tree. Lucy steps back, horrified and looks back. Footprints in the dewy grass shows that she had been sleep walking the whole time. Lucy looks back on the tree she had been hugging and kicks it with frustration.)
Lucy: Wake up. Please wake up.
(Woody lips appear on the tree and say,)
Tree 2: I am not Aslan. And Aslan never wakes up.
Lucy pleadingly: Will he ever wake up?
Tree 2: He never wakes up. Because, he never sleeps.
(The tree chortles deeply within himself and the lips on the tree disappear. Lucy sighs and walks around a corner and hears true rumbling.)
Lucy: Aslan?
(A hand covers Lucy's mouth and pulls her suddenly backwards. She does a muffled scream before realizing that it's Peter. Peter motions her to be quiet. They then look from behind a bush and see a Telmarine. They don't know it is Prince Caspian because he is wearing a Telmarine Helmet. Peter turns on his lightsaber and slowly walks behind Caspian to strike him down. He then feels something knock his lightsaber away from Caspian. Peter then turns to see a young teenage boy with glasses on who is attacking him with a sword and wand. Peter defends himself easily and manages in cutting off the boy's wand.)
Young Boy 1: Hey! How dare…
(Peter does a side kick in the boy's jaw and sends him falling over one side. He then takes a step forward but the young boy moves both of his legs and tries to trip Peter. Peter jumps just in time while the boy is moving with magic in a full circle like a clock in less then a second. When his legs start coming around again, Peter lands on both of the legs accidentally and breaks both of them. The boy groans and slumps over exhausted while Peter is about to kill him with the Force.)
Lucy pleading: No!
(Peter then looks around and sees Narnians gathered about him with weapons at the ready. The young boy gets up clumsily and shakily, heals his wounds with his magic and sizes himself up to Peter. Peter then looks down at this young opponent and stares at him hard.)
Peter amusingly: Harry…Potter?
Harry Potter/Young Boy 1: Yes? And who are you?
Susan: Peter!
(Susan appears. Harry Potter then looks at Peter Pevensies' lightsaber.)
Harry Potter: Jedi Peter.
Peter: I don't believe you called.
Harry Potter surprised: Yes…but I thought you'd be older.
(Peter glares at Harry Potter and points his lightsaber right beneath his chin.)
Peter: Whatever you li…no. Actually, whatever you think, you can come back in 2000 in the other world.
Harry Potter hurriedly: No. That's alright. It's just that, you're not what I expected. (*looks at Susan with interest*)
(Susan doesn't notice Harry Potter but looks at Prince Caspian who has taken off his helmet.)
Edmund to a Minotaur: Well, neither are you.
(Minotuar 6 growls.)
Trufflehunter: The commonest of enemies, unites even the oldest of foes. (*turns to Peter*) Harry Potter has hardly heard of your splendid prestige and legend.
Peter sarcastically and coolly: Oh. (*to Harry Potter*) Been sick or in America?
(Edmund elbows Peter and clears his throat.)
Harry Potter coolly: Why no. I've been here in Narnia for the last 3 years.
Peter sarcastically and coolly: Oh. Buried.
(Edmund elbows Peter again. Reepicheep splendidly appears before Peter.)
Reepicheep to Peter: We anxiously awaited your return my liege.
(Harry Potter rolls his eyes.)
Harry Potter: I've only been away for five minutes.
Reepicheep to Harry Potter: I wasn't talking to you, you infidel.
(Peter draws his sword.)
Peter to Reepicheep: How dare you call me that!
Harry Potter to Peter: He was talking to me.
Peter to Harry Potter: No! He was talking to me!
Harry Potter: Fine. That was a good title you deserve.
Reepicheep to Harry Potter: Me? Why of all the disrespect to an honorable mouse!
(Reepicheep draws his sword. Peter jabs his finger towards himself.)
Peter: He was talking to me!
Harry Potter: Couldn't agree more.
Reepicheep to Harry Potter: Why you poltroon! I'd make your death quick and easy for your misdemeanors!
Peter to Reepicheep: Just when I've arrived to save Narnia, you'd dare put me to death?
Harry Potter: In this case, you both were talking to each other.
Caspian: ENOUGH!
(Reepicheep, Peter, and Harry Potter immediately quit.)
Caspian: This bickering is pointless.
Harry Potter pointing to Caspian: But you're not Darth Vader.
Reepicheep indignantly: Are you suggesting that I look like one?
Caspian: We will stick strictly to this comedy script and nothing more.
(Peter pulls out some paper.)
Peter: Actually, all those lines up to this line, are in the comedy script. Ahem. Beyond that, we're supposed to keep strict to the movie script.
Caspian: A good idea too.
(Reepicheep sheathes his sword.)
Reepicheep: Now where was I…ah yes. (*looks at Peter*) Our hearts and swords are at your service.
Edmund mimicking Harry Potter's voice: Oh my goodness! He looks so ugly!
(Reepicheep draws his sword again in anger.)
Reepicheep: WHO SAID THAT?
(Reepicheep looks around himself. Edmund steps forward and clears his throat.)
Edmund: I'm sorry Reepicheep for his bad manners.
(Edmund points to Harry Potter with his thumb.)
Reepicheep coolly: Well, well, well. The truth never surprises or shocks me.
Trufflehunter: Reepicheep, I thought we all had an agreement to go against Harry Potter.
Reepicheep: I was in that agreement.
Trufflehunter: Then why have we been lugging around this useless and dangerous weight with us all this time?
Reepicheep: Because, (*sheathes his sword*) his time will come. But I do believe, idiotic, poltroon, a two-horned cheeky faced donkey, or all-powerful-yet-not-so-powerful-because-he-has-to-wear-glasses, would more suit a member of the Pitcher family.
Trumpkin: That's a pretty long...but fine title to me.
Harry Potter to Reepicheep: My last name is Potter, not Pitcher.
Reepicheep: Ball Four. I get to take my leave.
(Reepicheep joins the continuing procession of Narnians. Prince Caspian looks at Peter and laughs nervously.)
Peter to Prince Caspian: That's good. Because we're going to need every sword that we can get.
Prince Caspian: Then you'll probably be wanting your's back.
(Caspian absentmindedly hands Peter his own sword.)
Peter glaring: I already have my sword.
(Caspian looks down at what he was handing Peter and his eyes grow wide and he hurriedly sheathes his sword.)
Peter: But we will of course, be needing every sword we can get.
(The Pevensies and Trumpkin then join Caspian and the Narnians on their journey to Aslan's Howe. Meanwhile, at the Fords of Beruna, Miraz is inspecting a Hostess Twinkie truck along with Lord Sopespian, General Glozzel and several of his men.)
Miraz to Glozzel: How much did they take?
Glozzel: Enough to feed two regiments.
Miraz: And the span?
Glozzel: There life span will extend to more then 200 years.
Soldier 98: How does that work?
(Glozzel turns to Soldier 98.)
Glozzel: Because a twinkie has a shelf life of 50 years.
Soldier 98: Oh.
Glozzel to Miraz: But there's more.
(Glozzel points to spray-painted graffiti on the doors of the truck.)
Miraz reading graffiti: "You suck John. Kiss my…"
Glozzel hurriedly: Oops. Wrong side.
(Glozzel closes the doors of the truck and locks them to reveal spray painted writing on the other side.)
Miraz reading spray-painted writing: You were right that there was a disturbance in Your Force.
Sopespian: X?
(Miraz looks down to see an X written on the doors.)
Miraz pondering slowly: X, marks the spot. So, that means, (*quickly*) there's treasure here!
Glozzel murmuring: This is not exactly the type of opposite Indiana Jones philosophy you should be believing right now.
(Miraz turns to Glozzel and his soldiers.)
Miraz: Who just contradicted me?
(Silence.)
Miraz: Speak up.
Glozzel: Forgive me my lord. The blame is mine.
Miraz: I know. Tell me general. (*draws General Glozzel's sword out of his sheath*) How many men did you lose?
Glozzel confused: What?
Miraz: How many men did you lose?
Glozzel: Just now?
Miraz: Last night.
Glozzel: None, my lord.
Miraz: None?
Glozzel: They came out like ghosts in the night. We all saw…I mean…ahem…we never saw them.
(Glozzel's soldiers nod their heads vigorously.)
Miraz: Then how do you explain to Andrew Adamson your injuries?
(General Glozzel looks at Lord Sopespian and sees betrayal on his face. Miraz backhands Glozzel in the face while he is distracted.)
Miraz: I asked, how many men were lost in this bloodless…Narnian…attack? Of which you (*holds up Glozzel's sword toward his face*) were an unfortunate survivor?
Glozzel: Why do you consider me "unfortunate"?
Miraz: Because you have to keep on playing in this comedy.
Glozzel happily: I love playing in this comedy.
Miraz grumbling: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sopespian clearing his throat: Ahem. Aren't we getting off the script?
(Andrew Adamson appears on set.)
Andrew Adamson: Cut! Cut! Cut! Listen all of you actors! None of you are getting off the script! Whatever you say, you are not getting off the script! WHAT YOU SAY IS PART OF THE SCRIPT!
Sopespian: Does that mean when we say, "We are getting off the script?" means that is not part of the script?
Andrew Adamson: YES! (*goes back behind camera*) Action! (*turns to comedy director*) Sometimes these Narnian actors give me a pain in the back.
Comedy Director: You're probably not showing enough backbone then.
Andrew Adamson: Very funny.
Miraz to Glozzel: General, how many?
Glozzel confused: Vertebrate?
Miraz: How many men accounted for you, idiota?
(Glozzel grabs the hilt of the sword which Miraz has held in front of him.)
Glozzel: 2.
Miraz: You didn't happen to lose three, did you?
Glozzel: No. Why do you ask?
Miraz: Because the royal chef is missing.
(General Glozzel's soldiers start doing a force cough.)
Glozzel: There were no others. Even if he is truly missing, the Narnians have won the war for us.
Miraz: And how's that General?
Glozzel: The royal chef was not the best cook.
(Miraz rolls his eyes and turns away. Sopespian gives Glozzel a smug look before following Miraz.)
Miraz to Sopespian: I apologize my lord, Sopespian.
Glozzel mumbling: Thanks.
Miraz to Glozzel: I was not apologizing to you and you are not Sopespian.
Glozzel: Fine.
Miraz to Sopespian: Prince Caspian is not the victim of this uprising. He is the instigator.
(Sopespian cocks an eyebrow.)
Sopespian: He's a lizard?
Miraz: Of course not idiot. (*mounts his horse*) I said he's an "instigator."
Sopespian: That still doesn't make sense to me. You're calling him an "insta-gator?"
Miraz growling: Ugh! Stupid idiots! Can't think correctly!
Sopespian: I know. Sometimes I have a problem with that too.
Miraz: Not me! You! It seems that Narnia is in need of a new King.
Sopespian: Have the polls come in yet?
Miraz smiles crookedly: Definitely.
Sopespian: So what are the polls?
(General Glozzel overhears the two talking and walks up to Miraz and Sopespian with two pieces of paper.)
Glozzel: Well, Lord Revilian came with a vote of 98. Lord Bern, with 107. Lord Argoz with 76. Lord Mavramorn with 75. Lord Octesian with 104. Lord Restimar with 68. Lord Rhoop with 35. Ummmm.
(Sopespian stares off into space smugly.)
Glozzel hesitatingly: Umm. Lord Sopespian with 113, and Lord Miraz at 220.
(Sopespian looses his smugness and his eyes grow wide and he looks at General Glozzel with anger.)
Sopespian: WHAT?
Glozzel: Actually? (*shuffles the papers in his hands*) Lord Miraz came in at 221. As head of the council, he got to vote for himself.
Sopespian: WHAT MADNESS! (*turns to Miraz*) HOW COME THE PEOPLE VOTED MORE FOR YOU THEN FOR ME?
Miraz smugly: I bribed the people.
(Sopespian furiously and repeatedly jabs a finger at himself.)
Sopespian: I BRIBED THE PEOPLE TOO!
Miraz smugly: Ohhh, let's just say, the royal postage intercepted your charity and added it to my collection.
Sopespian: YOU CHEAT!
Miraz coolly: All for the health of the empire.
Sopespian: YOU VILE CHEAT!
Miraz in mock Dutch: Farvel.
(Miraz spurs his horse and rides back to his castle. Meanwhile, Peter and Caspian are leading the band of Narnians to Aslan's Howe. Trufflehunter manages to get in a conversation with Trumpkin to find out his views on the legendary kings and queens of Narnia.)
Trufflehunter to Trumpkin: So…what are they like?
Trumpkin: Malcontents. Complainers. Stubborn as mules in the morning.
Nikabrik: Oh. So they're Democrats.
Trufflehunter to Nikabrik: I don't really see how that would work out.
Nikabrik: The Democrats are considered as donkeys, aren't they?
Trufflehunter: Well, a mule is not necessarily a donkey. It is merely the cross between a horse and a donkey.
Nikabrik: Oh. Which makes them Liberal, huh?
Trumpkin: Well enough.
(The band of Narnians then come to the edge of a field and see two lines of centaurs gathering on either side of the entryway into Aslan's Howe. The centaurs then draw their swords in ceremonial fashion and the four Pevensies then proceed forward with Caspian and the other Narnians falling in behind them. They then enter Aslan's Howe and start going into different underground passages and inspecting the weaponry and men.)
Caspian to Peter: I know this wasn't quite what you were expecting; but it is defensible.
Susan: Peter, I think you should have a look at this.
(Peter and Caspian follow Susan, Lucy, and Edmund down a different passageway that is covered with different pictures telling of the days of the Golden Age in Narnia.)
Edmund: This is our story. This is about us.
Lucy to Caspian: What is this place?
Caspian surprised: You mean you don't know?
(Caspian grabs a torch from a nearby wall and walks past the Pevensies leading the way. They come into a larger room. Caspian walks off to the side and touches his torch into a trough of liquid. The liquid bursts into flame, lighting up the whole place. To the Pevensies' amazement, they see that it is the Stone Table and a monument built to Aslan and the Pevensies. They look on for a while and Lucy walks up sadly to the Stone Table, touches it and turns around.)
Lucy: He must have known what he was doing.
Susan: What do you mean, Lu?
Lucy: Exactly what I meant. Why you said the lines yourself in the last comedy.
Susan: Umm, no. I didn't say any words about Aslan or this Stone Table.
Lucy thoughtfully: Now I remember.
(Later on, in the morning, a faun is acting as lookout on top of Aslan's Howe. The faun stares into the forest to see just in time, a Telmarine horsemen ride away. The faun notices the coming danger and goes into the Howe to tell Caspian and Peter.)
Peter: It's only a matter of time. Miraz and his war machines are on their way. Those same men, aren't protecting his castle.
Reepicheep: What do you propose we should do, your majesty?
Harry Potter at once: I think we should...
Caspian at once: We should start planning...
Peter at once: We should strike up a...
(Silence ensues immediately as Peter glares at Harry Potter and then tries to continue.)
Peter: Our only hope…
Caspian: The only option…
(Peter glares at Caspian also and makes him back down. He then continues.)
Peter: As I was saying, our only hope is to strike them before they strike us.
Caspian: But that's crazy, no ones has ever taken that castle.
Peter: Because no one has ever attempted to do so.
Harry Potter suggesting: There's always a first time.
Trumpkin: We'll have the element of surprise.
Caspian: But we have the advantage here.
(Susan steps forward.)
Susan: If we dig in, we could probably hold them off indefinitely.
(Peter gives Susan a disapproving look.)
Trufflehunter: I for one, feel safer underground.
Peter to Caspian: Look, I appreciate for all you've done here. But this isn't a fortress. It's a tomb.
Edmund: Yes. And if they're smart, the Telmarines will just wait and starve us out.
Harry Potter pointing out: We could use wands.
Reepicheep motioning with his hands: Yes. And wave it at the Telmarines. (*looks at Harry Potter*) Shut up! (*looks at Peter*) I think you know where I stand sire.
Harry Potter smugly: Why thank you!
Reepicheep: You are not a King! (*looks at Peter and Caspian*) And I think everybody in this room knows where I stand.
(A wry smile starts appearing on all the faces in the room and all look at Harry Potter who is starting to get nervous.)
Harry Potter: What's going on?
(Next moment, before Harry Potter knows it, he is being cast out of Aslan's Howe by one of the giants and lands right in a lagoon. Nikabrik looks angrily at Reepicheep.)
Nikabrik: Why did you convince everybody to cast out the most worthy pivotal ally that we can have?
Reepicheep coolly: Well, everybody at the Dancing Lawn was wanting to go against Harry Potter. So I did it for Narnia.
Nikabrik mumbling to himself: Don't worry. I'll find someone else to help us.
Lucy: That's what I'm afraid about.
(Peter gives Lucy a confused look.)
Peter: Sorry?
Lucy: Well you're all acting like there's only two options. Dieing here, or dying there.
Peter: I don't think you've been really listening Lu. We were just dealing with Harry...
Lucy: No, you're not listening. Or have you really forgotten who defeated the White Witch?
Edmund: Yup. And that would happen to be...me. After all, I broke the wand that she was carrying, which she stole from Hogwart's bedroom.
Harry Potter's voice outside the Howe: I heard that. Oww.
(Recognition of what Lucy's saying, occurs in Peter's face.)
Peter: I think we've waited for Aslan long enough.
Edmund in personal confusion: I'm not Aslan.
Peter walks away from the monument of Aslan. But since I don't want to mention or make fun of sad parts, like I did with the gruesome death of Aslan, I will skip post the battle at Miraz's castle. Lucy is inside, wondering if she will have to use her cordial of Buddumber, when she hears a horn blowing and puts it away. She runs outside and sees Peter and Caspian, returning with the Narnians.)
Lucy to Peter: What happened?
Peter: Ask him. (*shoots out a glare towards Caspian*)
Susan: Peter...
Caspian to Peter: Me? What are you talking about? We could've played the part of the battle at my uncle's castle; there was still space.
Peter: No there wasn't no thanks to you. If you had convinced the author of this comedy, we could've played a really cool part.
Susan murmurs: And get some of our men killed.
Caspian: And if we had just thrown out Harry Potter like I suggested, we definitely would!
Peter: We did, remember?
(Realization dawns on Caspian.)
Caspian: Oops. (*covers his mouth sheepishly*) My first mistake.
Peter: No. Your first mistake was when you thought you were good enough to play in this comedy.
(Peter turns his back and is about to walk away.)
Caspian: HEY!
(Peter looks at Caspian.)
Caspian: I am not the one, who kept on ruining his script.
Peter pointing a finger at Caspian: You ruined the script! (*Caspian pushes past Peter*) You have no right to play in this comedy, as Sopespian does. You, him, your father!
(Caspian stops in his tracks, in rising anger.)
Peter: Narnia's better off without the lot of you!
(Caspian screams and pulls out his sword, at the same time that Peter pulls out his lightsaber.)
Edmund: Stop it!
Susan: Whoa. Deja vu.
(Caspian and Peter look at Edmund who is carrying Trumpkin. Lucy runs over to Trumpkin, who Edmund lays down on the ground. Peter turns off his lightsaber and goes over to Edmund.)
Peter: What happened now?
(Edmund doesn't respond.)
Peter: Speak quickly, Ed! We're ruining the script as we speak.
Edmund: We...?
Peter: Just...(*raises a finger in the air but then thinks better of it*) ...what happened to Trumpkin?
Edmund speaking hurriedly: I don't know. Just when we were heading off to battle on Miraz's castle and then met with the author of this comedy who, as you know, told us all that we were not going to be playing this part, Trumpkin just keeled over and went unconscious.
(Peter looks at Lucy who has been studying Trumpkin.)
Peter: Lucy, your cordial.
(Lucy remembers her cordial and pulls it out. She opens it and starts pouring it into the unconscious Trumpkin's lips but nothing comes out. Lucy looks at it curiously.)
Lucy: It's...empty.
(Peter goes cross-eyed and explodes.)
Peter: Empty? How could it be empty? Your bottle has never run empty before!
Lucy chuckling nervously: Aha. Well...I did have a small sample of it, last night.
(Peter goes even more cross-eyed, faints, and falls backwards. A group of Dwarf paramedics show up with a stretcher and get to work on the High King. Edmund's mouth is wide open in horror towards Lucy. A female centaur shows up.)
Female Centaur 3: And what she means by a sample is, the whole bottle.
Edmund: Lucy, how could you?
Lucy: I've never been allowed to taste my own medicine. I mean, isn't that common enough among doctors these days that I have to be a part of it, too?
Female Centaur 3 to Lucy: What do you have, to say for yourself?
Lucy: I'm...innocent?
Female Centaur 3: Tell it to the judge!
(Female Centaur 3 bends down and is about to grab Lucy.)
Edmund: Wait! There must be another way to help him.
Lucy: We could try Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation.
Edmund and Susan: No! No. That won't be necessary.
Peter groaning in the background in semi-consciousness: Don't do it, Lucy.
(Caspian turns around and walks back into Aslan's Howe. On the same day, Miraz's men plug in the last cord to finish the giant treadmill that they have built at the fords of Beruna. The Telmarine army gets on the treadmill rank by rank, until they are slowly transported to the other side of the banks of Beruna. Meanwhile, Miraz is in court, along with all the noblemen and counselors. An ambassador is standing by, reading aloud from a scroll while King Miraz is being crowned.)
Telmarine Ambassador: Telmar pledges its troops! Ettinsmoore pledges its troops! Harfang pledges its troops!
(King Miraz ascends to the throne, turns around to face the counselors; and then waits for the ambassador to finish.)
Telmarine Ambassador: Calormen pledges its troops! The Seven Isles pledes its troops! Teribinthia pledges its troops!
(King Miraz taps his foot impatiently.)
Telmarine Ambassador: Burnt Island pledges its troops! Archenland pledges its troops! The Chief...
(King Miraz can't stand it any longer.)
Miraz: Get on with it you fool!
(The ambassador becomes startled from the sudden outburst and shuffles the papers in his hands nervously shaking.)
Telmarine Ambassador: Uh, uh...Calavar pledges its troops...umm...Zulindreh pledges its troops...
Miraz interrupting: ON WITH IT INSOLENT WRETCH!
Telmarine Ambassador hurriedly speaking: Azim Balda, Teebeth, Mezreel, and the Western Waste.
(Miraz smiles crookedly.)
Miraz musing: Very good. Tell me, where are the troops of the Marsh-Wiggles?
Telmarine Ambassador: Their leader, Willow-Cloud, can speak for them.
(A Marsh-Wiggle comes forward and bows gravely before Miraz.)
Miraz: Listen to me, filth, are you willing to follow in the train of your rightful king? Or will I have to descend on your people and drive you all out into the sea?
Willow-Cloud: Ah my Lord King. We will follow you wherever his majesty wishes to lead us. Us Marsh-Wiggles are ready to follow. Though we'll possibly never find the Narnians. Possibly all perish in some lone forgotten pool of quicksand, I shouldn't wonder. More than likely enough, possibility will turn to probability. My men are...
Miraz waving a hand: Yes yes yes. Your men will be placed behind ours as reserves. You may go now.
(Willow-Cloud leaves. Sopespian, without grudge, nods to a herald. All the noblemen and those of the Telmarine counsel, bow to Miraz while proclaiming,)
Herald and Telmarines: Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King!
(Meanwhile, Caspian is deep within the tunnels of Aslan's Howe. He is staring at a picture portraying the four Pevensies; when Nikabrik shows up.)
Nikabrik: Are you so glad about that Walmart megaphone now, boy?
(Caspian turns around to face him.)
Nikabrik: Your queens and Jedis have failed us. Your army's half dead. And those that aren't will be soon enough.
Caspian sarcastically: What do you want? Congratulations?
Nikabrik: You want to have some action in this comedy? So do we. You want your uncle's crown? We can get it for you.
Caspian: Even his iPhone?
(Nikabrik nods with a gleam in his eye, and then shuffles past Caspian; who follows him deeper into Aslan's Howe.)
Nikabrik: You tried one power of the Force. It failed us. But there's an even greater power. One that kept even Yoda ignorant for nigh a hundred years.
(Caspian stares off into the shadows of the cave when he hears something growling. He pulls his sword out.)
Caspian: Who's there?
(Caspian goes down the stairs and holds his sword out. Nikabrik stays behind to watch. A figure comes out of the shadows off of Caspian's right, wearing a black cloak.)
Mysterious figure, wheezing: (*talks slowly*) I am hunger. I am thirst. I can bathe in oil a hundred years and not fry. I can wander a hundred nights in poisonous fumes, and not breathe.
Caspian murmuring to himself: No surprise there.
(Caspian than sees another figure, coming towards him from his left. The figure turns out to be a hag.)
Mysterious Figure, wheezing: I can drink a river of Hi-C, and not burp.
(The two figures draw closer to Caspian, who is unsure of what to do but stands his guard. He looks back at Nikabrik who slowly nods his head in confirmation.)
Mysterious Figure: Show...me...(*wheeze rises to a pitch*) YOUR ENEMIES!
(Caspian takes a step back as the mysterious figure turns out to be a werewolf, once he takes his hood off. The werewolf starts coughing, since he has been smoking a cigarette the whole time.)
Hag: You know, you would sound a lot better if you didn't self-impose cancer on yourself.
Mysterious Figure/Werewolf: (*coughing*) Look who's...(*coughs*) talking! (*coughs*)
(Hag ignores the werwolf's remark.)
Caspian to Hag and Werwolf: What are you?
Hag: You know, its funny that you'd ask that. You'd think a Telmarine would know a bad-guy when he saw one.
Caspian: No. I mean, your servants of the White Witch. You're supposed to be extinct.
Werewolf sneering: Well, sorry to disappoint you.
Caspian murmuring: I actually feel quite different...
Hag: My friend's name is Coup de Main.
Werwolf: And my friend here goes by the acronym, S.N.B. (Snyb is how you pronounce it.)
Caspian: What does that stand for?
Werwolf: Skin and...
Hag interrupts: What you hate, so will we.
Caspian murmurs: What? Do you hate yourselves?
Hag: No one hates better than us.
Caspian under his breath: I find you absolutely revolting.
Werewolf: Sure thing. No one can possibly hate better than us.
Hag to Werewolf: Well, isn't that what I was just saying?
Werewolf: I was only backing you up.
Hag: Oh really? As if I need backing up?
(Caspian eyes them curiously.)
Caspian: And you can, guarantee Obama's death?
Werewolf: Duh, I thought it was your uncle you wanted dead.
Hag to Caspian: And more.
Werewolf: Yeah. Sure thing.
Hag to Werewolf: Shut up. Let me do the talking.
Caspian: So...you can guarantee...both of their death's?
Hag: Yes.
Caspian surmising: Hmm. Can you guarantee what day that will be?
Hag: Your uncle will die on a Narnian holiday.
Nikabrik to Hag: How do you know?
Hag: Because any day that he dies on, will be a Narnian holiday.
(Nikabrik nods his head in realization. Caspian is still not quite sure.)
Caspian: What proof can you give me to show that you even have such experience in these things?
Hag: I can prove more your Majesty. (*bows low*) In fact I know so much, that I can tell you what you will be wearing on your coronation day.
Caspian: And that is?
Hag: A black velvet cloak with a Disney icon on it.
Caspian: How do you know?
Hag: Because I'll make you wear it at your coronation!
Caspian: Oh. (*sheathes his sword*)
(Nikabrik nods his head with a gleam of anticipation.)
Hag motions to Werwolf: Come. Let the circle be drawn.
(Werewolf nods and puts a claw out and starts drawing a circle right before Caspian. The werewolf though claws so hard through the stone floor that he cuts a hole beneath himself.)
Werwolf falling: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (*falls into underground lake below*)
(The hag, Nikabrik, and Caspian gather around the hole and look down into it. There is no sign of the werewolf. The hag looks at Caspian.)
Hag: (*shrugs her shoulders*) Oh well. Now, time for some music.
(The hag pulls out the Witch's Wand.)
Hag: Salagadoola witchidy boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo Touch the witch and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
(The werewolf's voice is heard in the cavern below while the hag is singing.)
Werwolf: Can't you use a different incantation for making your ice blocks?
Nikabrik shouting back into the cavern: Shut your trap coup de main! This should do the trick!
Werewolf shouts back: IT'S NOT PROPER NECROMANCY!
Nikabrik: WHO SAID IT WAS?
(Werewolf groans below.)
Hag dancing around: Salagadoola witchidy boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo It isn't voodoo believe it or not bibbidi-bobbidi-boo This nonsense has no means, mechicka booleroo But the thingmabell that does the spell is bibbidi-bobbidi-BOO!
(Hag then smashes the Witch's wan into the floor, and ice starts emanating from it. It starts filling up the stone-henge that stands before the portrait of Aslan. It completes in a big rectangular block of blue and white ice so cold that everybody's breath comes in a vapor. The Hag steps up the ice block and stares into it, looking at her own reflection in it. She raises her arms towards the ceiling. Nikabrik raises an eyebrow in confusion.)
Hag: Mirror, mirror on the wall...
Nikabrik: Its not on a wall.
Hag rephrasing: Very well. Mirror, mirror, hanging in mid air...
Nikabrik interrupting: Its actually an ice block.
(Hag rolls her eyes.)
Hag: Fine. Ice block, ice block, hanging in...
Nikabrik interrupting: The ice block actually has support.
Hag: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?
(Nikabrik becomes silent. During this time, the White Witch has appeared in the ice but the Hag doesn't notice.)
Hag to Incantated-Ice-Block: Mirror, mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?
Jadis to Hag: Me.
(Hag still doesn't notice the White Witch in the ice but thinks that the Incantated-Ice-Block is magically talking to her.)
Hag: That's right, its me.
(Jadis rolls her eyes.)
Nikabrik sarcastically to Hag: And you should be doing your work.
Hag: Yes. Have lots of other people doing my work.
Jadis sarcastically: And you should be wearing a crown if you're going to be so fair.
Hag in confusion: I should be wearing a frown?
Jadis: No. You should be wearing a...(*sighs in audible frustration*)...
(Hag puts her ear to the ice.)
Hag to Incantated-Ice-Block: What did you say?
Jadis: GET ON WITH IT YOU IMBECILE!
(The Hag then notices the White Witch and she stumbles back in fear. She than looks around the room hurriedly and notices that Prince Caspian slipped away secretly. Nikabrik notices this too and swallows hard in fear of the Witch.)
Hag: Uh, morning mam...good morning.
Jadis to Hag: What are you doing loafing around?
Hag: I was just going to get the Telmarine prince to touch your hand.
Jadis slowly in rising, mysterious suspicion: And where is the Telmarine prince?
Hag: Ah, you see, once again...madam, has...like a laser...gone straight to the heart of the issue.
(Jadis' mouth slowly drops open in hidden anger.)
Hag: Now I'm not quite sure, where the Telmarine prince is.
(Nikabrik shakes his head.)
Nikabrik stuttering in background: Uh...actuallly your iceiness...I mean, majesty; we have the Telmarine prince's exact cordinates. Don't listen to Skin-n-Bones here. She doesn't know what she's saying...
Hag continuing: But I'll just check here with my friend, Coup de main. (*calls toward the hole shakily*) Coup de main?
Jadis: Get going from here, AND CATCH PRINCE CASPIAN!